History DeadpanSnarker / Literature

* The title character in ''[[{{Ptitleqii0sgwl}} Ratman's Notebooks]]'' (the source material for the ''Willard'' movies). He's so good at it that he often comes across as a satirist or an observational comedian rather than the Ed Gein-inspired criminal he is.

--->'''Father of boy possessed by evil spirit:''' But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.\\

--->'''Elijah:''' Call at the top of your voice, for he is a god; for he must be concerned with a matter, and he has excrement and has to go to the privy. Or maybe he is asleep and ought to wake up.

---> They asked Baruch, saying, "How did you write all these words at [Jeremiah's] instruction?
---> Baruch: "He pronounced all these words to me with his mouth, and I wrote them with ink in the book."

----

* [[DeadpanSnarker/HarryPotter]]

* Gail Carriger's ''The Parasol Protectorate'' series has quite a few of these. Professor Lyall is a big one though. He has to be, being Lord Maccon's beta.

* [[TheLongingOfShiinaRyo Kouma Yon]].
* Mr. Skree in TheKingdomsofEvil.
* Alan Dean Foster's spinoff ''{{Dinotopia}}'' novels feature a wisecracking ''Protoceratops'' named Chaz. Bix from the main books also shows hints of this.

*** Another example: As the Roman guard tie Paul up to beat him, Paul casually asks if it's actually legal to beat a Roman citizen (it's not). The guard captain, upon hearing that Paul is a citizen says, "With a great price I obtained this citizenship" to which Paul simply replies, "I was born a citizen."

* While in the main ''{{Outlander}}'' series, Lord John Gray is an example of the OfficerAndAGentleman played relatively straight, he displays some definite tendencies towards being a deadpan snarker. (Well, when he's not mooning after Jamie.) Again, to some degree in his own series as well.

* ''InDeath'': Eve Dallas is so very much this.

* Moist von Lipwig, Angua...actually, most of the characters on the Disc are DeadpanSnarkers.

* Elizabeth Bennett of JaneAusten's ''{{Pride and Prejudice}}'': "I give you leave to like him. You have liked many a stupider person." She gets it from her [[InTheBlood father]].

* Christopher in ''The Lives of Christopher Chant'', sometimes more than is good for him.

* Keith Laumer's {{Retief}} often displays a casual snarkiness regarding the rest of the CDT and how the organization is run. He often exploits his superiors' disdain for this in order to get sent into the thick of things as a punishment. Many of the aliens or human natives encountered also get in on the act.

* Ron from JKRowling's ''HarryPotter''.
--->'''Hermione:''' Look, if I picked up a sword right now, Ron, and ran you through with it, I wouldn't damage your soul at all.\\
'''Ron:''' Which would be a real comfort to me, I'm sure.
--->'''Hermione:''' Everyone knows. Well, everyone who has read Hogwarts:AHistory.\\
'''Ron''' Just you, then.
** And, of course Fred and George.
--->''While planning to move Harry from the Dursleys:'' \\
'''Moody:''' Arthur and Fred – \\
'''Twin:''' I’m George. Can’t you even tell us apart when we’re Harry? \\
'''Moody''' Sorry, George – \\
'''Fred:''' I’m only yanking your wand, I’m Fred really – \\
'''Moody:''' ''(Angrily)'' Enough messing around!
** Can't forget the twins' CrowningMomentofFunny when Mrs. Weasley freaks out about Ron being a prefect:
-->'''Mrs. Weasley:''' Oh, that's wonderful! That's everyone in the family!
-->'''George:''' What are we? Next door neighbors?

** Snape's response to when Dumbledore orders him to kill somebody:
-->'''Snape:''' ''(voice heavy with irony)'' "Would you like me to do it now? Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?"
:: Or this burn on Harry from ''PrisonerOfAzkaban'', after Malfoy saw Harry's head sticking out of the Invisibility Cloak in Hogsmeade:
-->''What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter? Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade. No part of your body has permission to be in Hogsmeade.''
:: ''{{Goblet of Fire}}'' has the scene where he read the "Witch Weekly" article about how Hermione was supposedly cheating on Harry with Viktor Krum. Snape, saying the following:
-->'''Snape:''' Miss Granger has developed a taste for famous wizards which Potter alone cannot... satisfy.
::Snape's response to Harry about ghosts:
-->'''Snape:''' Oh, very good. (interrupted Snape, his lip curling.) Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter. 'Ghosts are transparent.'
::This moment in the sixth film when Harry accuses Malfoy of cursing Katie Bell:
-->'''Snape''': Your evidence?\\
'''Harry''': I just know.\\
'''Snape''': You just... know. ''[long pause]'' Once again, you astonish me with your gifts, Potter, gifts mere mortals can only ''dream'' of possessing. How grand it must be... to be TheChosenOne.
** Though quite rare, Harry himself has his moments of cold, literalist sarcasm. From the fifth book:
--->'''Draco:''' You're dead, Potter.\\
'''Harry:''' Funny, you'd think I'd have stopped walking around...
*** Also from the fifth book:
--->'''Draco:''' You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.\\
'''Harry:''' Yeah, but you, unlike me, are a git.
*** Harry has this [[CrowningMomentOfFunny Crowning Moment of Snark]] in the sixth book:
--->'''Harry:''' Yes.\\
'''Snape:''' Yes ''sir''.\\
'''Harry:''' There's no need to call me sir, Professor.
*** But perhaps Harry's [[CrowningMomentOfFunny Crowning Moment of Snark]] comes from ''Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone'':
--->'''Dudley:''' They flush people's heads down the toilet first day at Stonewall. Want to practice?\\
'''Harry:''' No thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head in it; it might be sick.
** Voldemort gets some pretty decent snarks in as well.
--->'''Voldemort:''' Wormtail, I need someone with brains, someone whos loyalty has never wavered and you unfortunately fulfill neither requirement.//
--->'''Voldemort:''' I'm going to sit here and watch you die. Take your time Potter, I'm in no hurry.
** And don't let's forget Draco's dad, Lucius:
--->'''Hagrid:''' What're you doin' here? Get outta my house!
--->'''Lucius:''' My dear man, please believe me, I have no pleasure at all in being inside your- er- d'you call this a house?
** Minor PosthumousCharacter Phineas Nigellus Black outdoes everyone in this department, despite his relatively small role.
--->'''Harry:''' Don't call Hermione 'simple'!
--->'''Phineas Nigellus Black:''' ''(sighs)'' I grow weary of contradiction.
** Minerva [=McGonagall=] comes up with some great quips. One of the best comes from Book 3, when Trelawney brings up the old wive's tale that when 13 sit down for dinner, the first to rise shall be the first to die. Later, when Ron and Harry get up to leave, Trelawney demands to know which of them got up first. Cue:
--->'''[=McGonagall=]''': I hardly think that matters, Sybil, unless there is a mad axeman waiting outside the hall to decapitate the first person to leave.
*** And:
---->'''[=McGonagall=]''': Well, I'm glad that you listen to Hermione Granger, at any rate.
** Even Madame Pomfrey gets at least one in:
--->'''Pomfrey''': You must not overexert yourself. You need rest.
--->'''Harry''': I don't want to rest. I want to find [=McClaggen=] and kill him!
--->'''Pomfrey''': I'm afraid that would fall under "overexertion."
** JKRowling ''herself'', especially when responding to some of the more [[EpilepticTrees bizarre speculation]] about the books or her personal life:
--->"[[HarryPotterAndTheHalfBloodPrince Book Six]] is called ''The Toenail of Icklibõgg'' -- Well, if you believed the '[Pillar of] Storgé' one..."
*** She later admitted she ''made up'' the "Toenail of Icklibõgg" rumor (the "Pillar of Storgé" one, however? 100% real[[hottip:*:Storgé is a Greek word for platonic love, and the rumour was apparently a TakeThat to Harmonians.]]).
*** Responding on her website to whether the seventh book would be called "''Harry Potter and the Pyramids of Furmat''", Rowling wrote "The Pyramids of Furmat lie a few miles east of the famous Fortress of Shadows, not far from the magnificent Pillar of Storgé. Many tourists prefer to view these ancient monuments at night, when they are illuminated by the Green Flame Torch." (Those are all previously rumored titles.)
*** She said that she might name the seventh book ''Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackeldirk''. [[SarcasmFailure Yes, there were some people, as indicated by Mugglenet's Hall of Shame, who actually took that seriously and thought it would be the title.]] [[TooDumbToLive Ouch.]]
*** Rowling's first husband apparently once claimed that he had helped her with the first ''Potter'' book. Her reply was "He had as much input into ''Harry Potter'' as I had in ''ATaleOfTwoCities''."
*** "I've already answered this in [=FAQs=], but as this rumour is still cropping up in fan letters I thought I'd reiterate here that there will be NO chapter called 'Lupin's Papers' in [[HarryPotterAndTheHalfBloodPrince book six]], nor will there be chapters entitled [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal 'Pettigrew's Pamphlets', 'Sirius's Circulars']] or 'The Pocket Crosswords of Severus Snape'."
*** When fans started speculating there would be a character named Icicle in the sixth book (based on a misheard interview), Rowling said "There is no chararcater named 'Icicle' in Book Six. There is however, a Professor Bicycle."

* It tends to get lost in translation, but the gospels often portray Jesus as quite the DeadpanSnarker. [[http://artfuljesus.0catch.com/viney.html This article gives a pretty good overview.]]

*** She said that she might name the seventh book ''Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackeldirk''. Yes, there were some people, as indicated by Mugglenet's Hall of Shame, who actually took that seriously and thought it would be the title. Ouch.

* When fans started speculating there would be a character named Icicle in the sixth book (based on a misheard interview), Rowling said "There is no chararcater named 'Icicle' in Book Six. There is however, a Professor Bicycle."

* Ron from JKRowling's ''HarryPotter''.

--->'''Hermione:''' Everyone knows. Well, everyone who has read Hogwarts:AHistory.

* Ron from JKRowling's ''HarryPotter''.

* Snape from JKRowling's ''HarryPotter''. His response [[spoiler:when Dumbledore orders him to kill him]]:

** For that matter, Harry himself tends to cold, literalist sarcasm. From the fifth book:

** Ron also gets into the act a lot.
--->'''Hermione:''' Look, if I picked up a sword right now, Ron, and ran you through with it, I wouldn't damage your soul at all.\\
'''Ron:''' Which would be a real comfort to me, I'm sure.
** And, of course Fred and George.
--->''While planning to move Harry from the Dursleys:'' \\
'''Moody:''' Arthur and Fred – \\
'''Twin:''' I’m George. Can’t you even tell us apart when we’re Harry? \\
'''Moody''' Sorry, George – \\
'''Fred:''' I’m only yanking your wand, I’m Fred really – \\
'''Moody:''' ''(Angrily)'' Enough messing around!
** Can't forget the twins' CrowningMomentofFunny when Mrs. Weasley freaks out about Ron being a prefect:
-->'''Mrs. Weasley:''' Oh, that's wonderful! That's everyone in the family!
-->'''George:''' What are we? Next door neighbors?