History ArsonMurderAndJaywalking / LiveActionTV

'''Police Officer:''' (holding Chris in handcuffs at the front door as his mother answers) Ma'am, your son killed the governor, kidnapped his daughter, robbed the President and ran a red light.\\

* ''Series/LifeOnAStick'': Laz claims his girlfriend has a hatred for old people, a hatred "most people have only for terrorists, serial killers and [[TheScrappy Jar-Jar Binks]]".

** InvertedTrope once in one episode. Randy and Captian Stottlemeyer are discussing why a certain athlete cannot be a suspect and Randy names off one less important reason to remove any motive for the suspect to kill the victim, then says, "Number 2, he's dead," and the third, is that even if he were alive, he had moved to Europe in the late 1980s. The really funny thing about that is, he starts continuing to list them even after that one, but Stottlemeyer stops him.
*** In his defence, it wouldn't be the first time Monk had solved a case with a man believed to be dead. See "Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra," and Sonny Chow, the martial arts guy for that incident.

* The Top 5 lists on ''Series/MyGreatBigAdventure'' had a tendency to go this way during the first series, the the Number One tip being Jaywalking. As an example, in the episode "Happiness", the list provide such gems as being surrounded by people that make you happy, giving yourself praise, and doing things you enjoy. The number one tip: ''tape up your mouth into a smile''.

* ''Series/{{Neveneffecten}}'': This Belgian TV show has a polar bear listing his hobbies as being: farting in igloos, hitting baby seals on the head and watching them die a slow and painful death and crosswords.

'''Blue Centurion:''' Uh... [[GoshDangItToHeck Fiddlesticks!]][[note]]This is even funnier if heard in his distinctive robotic voice.[[/note]]

-->'''Gus:''' Some people are just born evil -- the kid from ''The Omen'', ''[[Creator/StephenKing The Children of the Corn]]'', Creator/ChadMichaelMurray.

* ''series/Bones'': Intern Vincent Nigel-Murray must make amends as part of a 12 step AA process. He apologizes for Peeing in Hodgin's tadpole tank, saying he slept with Cam, Angela and Brennan, used Angela's letter opener to clean his nails, and stole 3 coupons (one for a soda, one for a cheese cracker snack, and one for a fish meal) from Cam.

* A number of shows have used this joke where someone will list the crimes and/or atrocities they've committed, and the last one is (to this extent) retransmitting a televised sporting event without expressed written consent of the sports league (opting instead for implied oral consent) -- a TakeThat on the warning ''every single'' major sports league gives during their game broadcast.

** Doug tries to console Mark over his ex-wife's remarriage by admitting that he never liked her and listing all of her negative traits--"demanding, unsupportive, hypercritical, skinny legs. . ." This backfires slightly as Mark mock-angrily demands to know "what are you doing looking at my wife's legs?"

-->'''Rachel:''' OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.

-->'''Rachel''': He takes naked pictures of us, and then he eats chicken, and then he looks at them!

-->'''Blair''': Your dad wrote you a letter? You have to read it! \\

-->'''Ted (To Barney):''' "You've dated convicted felons, arms dealers, and pageant moms."

* ''Series/{{Life On Mars 2006}}'':

* ''Series/{{Life On Mars 2008}}'' (the American one): Ray is talking about the counterculture.

* ''Series/{{Lucifer}}'': In season 2, episode 3, the eponymous character comments the state of the body of a murder victim :

-->'''Lucifer:''' You tried waterboarding?\\

-->'''Host:''' And later on we'll be talking to a man who actually ''does'' gardening.

-->'''Shawn:''' You're a striking man with strong features, eyes that women wanna do cannonballs into, you have great posture and penmanship the likes I've never seen.

-->'''Shawn:''' Murder, attempted murder, conspiracy, unlawful carving of a spruce tree.

--> '''Red''': Just say no to assault, break-and-enter, arson, murder, theft, drug trafficking, and... oh yeah, real estate sales.

--> '''Slater''': Jessie's going to rip my eyes out, punch my face in, then break up with me.

* ''Series/StargateAtlantis'': In one first season episode, Rodney is about to receive gene therapy, prompting the following exchange with Dr. Beckett:
-->'''Carson Beckett M. D.:''' ''[sighs]'' We believe ATA or Ancient Technology Activation is caused by a single gene that's always on. Instructing various cells in the body to produce a series of proteins and enzymes that interact with the skin, the nervous system and the brain. In this case we're using a mouse retrovirus to deliver the missing gene to your cells.\\

* ''Series/StargateSG1'': The episode "Thor's Chariot" has this exchange between Gen. Hammond and SG-1 regarding the NiceJobBreakingItHero situation on Cimmeria.
-->'''Hammond:''' But let me play devil's advocate for a moment here. It's not our world. Is it really any of our concern?\\
'''Teal'c:''' The destruction of the hammer device to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.\\
'''O'Neill:''' General, I gave the order.\\
'''Daniel:''' And I fired the staff at the machine.\\
'''Carter:''' And I ... was there.
* ''Series/StargateUniverse'': In the episode "Hope", when looking at possible consequences of transplants using Ancient technology, one of the characters lists off, "...infection, high blood pressure, erectile dysfunc... tion..." Cue uncontrollable laughter.

-->'''Picard''': Are you saying that it worked? We collapsed the anomaly?\\

-->'''Anan''': You will be responsible for an escalation that will destroy everything. Millions of people horribly killed. Complete destruction of our culture here and yes, the culture on Vendikar. Disaster, disease, starvation, horrible, lingering death... pain and anguish! \\

-->'''Dean (voiceover)''': Side effects of Herpexia include permanent erectile dysfunction, thoughts of suicide, and nausea.

-->'''Dean''': Apocalypse apocalypse? Four horsemen, pestilence, five-dollar-a-gallon gas apocalypse?

--> '''[[UsefulNotes/AustralianPolitics Julia]]''':Whether the final blow comes from [[ZombieApocalypse flesh-eating zombies]], [[HellOnEarth demonic hell-beasts]] or from the total triumph of [[Main/KoreanPopMusic K-Pop]], if you know one thing about me it is this - I will always fight for you to the very end.

-->'''Danny''': CJ, I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!\\

-->'''Frank''': "The following episode ''Mother'' has all the classic ingredients of a political thriller: a conniving politician, ruthless manipulation of the media, a lobster with a vendetta."

-->'''Cordelia:''' "And you know, you didn't just betray me, Angel. You didn't just hurt me. You gave away my clothes."\\

-->'''Hamilton:''' "Illyria destroyed 11 torture units before she found your man; two troop carriers, an ice cream truck, and ''eight beautifully maintained lawns.''"

-->'''Murdock:''' No kippers, no herring-bone tweed, no Rolls Royce tire caps, no original pressings of "Hey Jude!!!"\\

-->'''Murdock (to the evil art gallery owner):''' Can you guarantee that in a hundred years, after I'm gone, that the name "Murdock" will be on a par with Rembrandt, Picasso, Van Gogh, Willy Mays--\\

--> ... and weakened our defenses by your constant warfare.

--> Camille: *acting as a cop* This varmint is wanted for robbery, money launderin', and crimes against fashion.

--> '''Bernard Black:''' I am cold! I've got chilblains, tinnitus and thrush!

-->'''Stephen''' That's the worst kind of robot: the kind that warms your heart. They don't like to eat them cold.

-->'''Britta''': Oh my God, Pierce is dead!\\

--->"Guests are reminded that Platform One forbids the use of weapons, teleportation or religion."

* Jim Brass on the original ''Series/{{CSI}}'' gets one too, listing the charges and ending with "...And violating seven articles of stupid."

* In the * ''Series/{{MASH}}'' episode "Out of Gas", the Korean BlackMarket crooks double cross Major Winchester and Father Mulcahy, rob them of their goods (including the wine and gourmet food Winchester donated), their jeep, Winchester's uniform and coat - humiliating him by making him leave with the Chaplin in his long underwear - refuse to turn over the much-needed pentothal they came for, ''and'', ticking off Winchester further, they drink the red wine with stuffed caprons!

* ''Series/TheBigBangTheory'': When Amy was kicked out of her study of monkeys and cigarette addiction: "Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own feces back at them and suddenly you're unprofessional."

--> Camille: *acting as a cop* This vamint is wanted for robbery, money launderin', and crimes against fashion.

* ''Series/DavidLetterman'': Rarely does a TopTenList have the top entry as the funniest (the explanation is that the applause/laughter would mute the band).

** [[Recap/DoctorWhoS10E3FrontierInSpace "Frontier in Space"]]: the Doctor is accused of assault and battery, taking a spaceship without permission, and flying without insurance.
** [[Recap/DoctorWhoS19E3Kinda "Kinda"]]: a mad military scolds young Adric, the Doctor's companion, saying he'll teach him "not to lie. Not to commit treason. And to wash behind the ears."

'''Donna:''' He saves planets, rescues civilisations, defeats terrible creatures. ({{Beat}}) And runs a lot. Seriously, there’s an ''outrageous'' amount of running involved.

-->'''Officer:''' Well, according to him, he's sick and tired of getting you bagels, it's not his job to iron your robes and he said you unfairly accused him of calling 1-900-HORNY.
-->'''Carlton:''' [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial ...The man is obviously a deviant.]]

** Inverted in [[Recap/DoctorWhoS26E2GhostLight "Ghost Light"]] (the last story produced, but broadcast third-to-last): — "I can't stand burnt toast. I loathe bus stations: terrible places, full of lost luggage and lost souls. And then there's unrequited love, and tyranny, and cruelty." From the same episode: "My theories appall you, my heresies outrage you, I never answer letters and you don't like my tie."

-->'''Jenny:''' So what do you do? \\

'''Donna:''' He saves planets, rescues civilisations, defeats terrible creatures. ({{Beat}}) And runs a lot. Seriously, there’s an outrageous amount of running involved.

-->'''Britta''': Oh my God, Pierce is dead!
-->'''Shirley''': Cornelius killed him!
-->'''Troy''': I BROKE THE REMOTE!

-->'''Aiden:''' You're under arrest for conspiracy to commit assault, aiding and abetting, obstruction of justice, outdoor drinking, littering, and dueling.
-->'''Poppy:''' Dueling?
-->'''Aiden:''' It's still on the books. Convincing a person to challenge another person to a duel is a crime.

--> '''Sarah Sidle:''' A cannibal, a killer...''and'' a thief?

--> '''Mac:''' You're under arrest for the murder of Derek James, Lauren Salinas, kidnapping and attempted murder of a crime scene investigator, armed robbery, grand theft auto, assault and battery. But most of all, for pissing me off.

-->'''Dave''': I was just trying to prove a point.
-->'''Principal Simpson''': By [[{{Crossdresser}} violating dress code]] and fighting in the hallways?

** In ''[[Recap/DoctorWhoS10E3FrontierInSpace Frontier in Space]]'', the Doctor is accused of assault and battery, taking a spaceship without permission, and flying without insurance.
** In ''[[Recap/DoctorWhoS19E3Kinda Kinda]]'', a mad military scolds young Adric, the Doctor's companion, saying he'll teach him "not to lie. Not to commit treason. And to wash behind the ears."
** In ''[[Recap/DoctorWhoS25E1RemembranceOfTheDaleks Remembrance of the Daleks]]'', The Doctor mocks the Dalek Emperor's rant about what the Daleks will achieve when they have the Hand of Omega: "Become all powerful! Crush the lesser races! Conquer the galaxy! Unimaginable power! Unlimited rice pudding! Et cetera! Et cetera!"
** Inverted in ''[[Recap/DoctorWhoS26E2GhostLight Ghost Light]]'' (the last story produced, but broadcast third-to-last) - "I can't stand burnt toast. I loathe bus stations: terrible places, full of lost luggage and lost souls. And then there's unrequited love, and tyranny, and cruelty." From the same episode: "My theories appall you, my heresies outrage you, I never answer letters and you don't like my tie."
** The call to adventure (inserted as a voiceover at the end of ''[[Recap/DoctorWhoS26E4Survival Survival]]'', the last story of the original series broadcast): "There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, where the sea is asleep and the rivers dream. People made of smoke and cities made of song. Somewhere there's danger, somewhere there's injustice, and somewhere else the tea is getting cold."
** In ''[[Recap/DoctorWhoS29E10Blink Blink]]'', police officer Billy said that he couldn't contact Sally earlier because the Doctor explained to him that it would've caused a rupture in time and space, it would destroy two thirds of the universe, and he would lose all his hair.
** In ''[[Recap/DoctorWhoS30E6TheDoctorsDaughter The Doctor's Daughter]]'', Donna describes the Doctor's life in this fashion to Jenny.
-->JENNY: So what do you do?
-->DOCTOR: I travel. Through time and space.
-->DONNA: He saves planets, rescues civilisations, defeats terrible creatures. ({{Beat}}) And runs a lot. Seriously, there’s an outrageous amount of running involved.
** In ''[[Recap/DoctorWhoS31E13TheBigBang The Big Bang]]'', [[spoiler: When the Doctor finds out that he had survived the "Big Bang two"]] he quickly verifies if he is OK, going through his life priority list, of course. "[[CallBack Legs, yes]]. Bow tie, cool. *Touches hair* ...[[CoolHat I can buy a fez]]." Although two of the items are silly, we'd already expect the bow tie, so the fez makes pretty much the same effect.
** In ''[[Recap/DoctorWhoS34E5TimeHeist Time Heist]]'', the Doctor tries to convince Clara out of her date and mentions the places they could go, like the Satanic Nebula, the Lagoon of Lost Stars... or Brighton.

--->'''Rachel:''' He pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me! ''(throws her drink in his face)''
--->'''Monica:''' And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't! ''(throws her drink in his face)''
--->'''Chandler:''' And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard! ''(throws his drink in his face)''

-->'''Varys''': [The city bells] ring for horrors... a dead king, a city under siege--
-->'''Tyrion''': A wedding.
-->'''Varys''': Exactly. [[note]]Although given the lethality of weddings in-universe...[[/note]]

--> '''Ted (To Barney):''' "You've dated convicted felons, arms dealers, and pageant moms."

--> "Please. Faulty elevators, exploding manhole covers, jealous husbands. This place is a coroner's paradise."

--> "They hit us with guns, bazookas, tear gas, tanks, [=APV=]s, helicopters, rockets... and I'm pretty sure at least one of them used really harsh language. "

--> '''Gene:''' You great, soft, sissy, girly, nancy, French, bender, Man-United-supporting ''poof''!

---> '''Ray:''' I'm arresting you for the theft of a motor vehicle, resisting arrest... and driving like a div.

--> '''Ray:''' That's the problem with a politicized youth, they do things like blow up national monuments, burn down induction centers... make their own jewelry out of seashells.

--> '''Alisha:''' My friend Chloe did crystal meth and she nearly shagged her brother. And he's really ugly.

--> '''Alex:''' And, [[ItMakesSenseInContext I shagged all my powers into her]].
--> '''Finn:''' What do you mean, all your powers?
--> '''Alex:''' I mean ''all'' of them. I mean, the power to cause accidents, turning things inside out, hypnotic tits....

-->'''Nigel''': There's Envy, Rage, Lust, Vanity, Sloth, Avarice, and Gluttony...
-->'''Sam''': ...wearing Funny Pants to a Funeral.

-->'''Ziva:'''When you shot Michael, I almost killed you where you stood.
-->'''Tony:''' I wasn't standing.
-->'''Ziva:''' No, you weren't. You were lying on the ground, without adequate backup, completely violating protocol...
-->'''Tony:''' And double-parked.
-->'''Ziva:''' Yes, I noticed.

--> '''Jim:''' What'd you do, Prison Mike?
--> '''Prison Mike:''' I stole... and I robbed... and I kidnapped the President's son... and held him for ransom.
--> '''Jim:''' That is quite a rap sheet, Prison Mike.
--> '''Prison Mike:''' And I never got caught neither.
--> '''Jim:''' Well, you were in prison, but...

--> '''Piper''': I have been here for less than two weeks. I have been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened, and called Music/TaylorSwift.

-->'''TJ:''' Nuts!
-->''' Justin:''' Rats!
-->'''Carlos:''' Drat!
-->'''Ashley:''' Curses!
-->'''Cassie:''' Phooey!
-->'''Blue Centurion:''' Uh... [[GoshDangItToHeck Fiddlesticks!]][[note]]This is even funnier if heard in his distinctive robotic voice.[[/note]]

* ''Series/{{Series/Seinfeld}}'': In "The Pothole," Elaine is told that the China Panda restaurant will not deliver to her apartment because it is outside of the delivery zone.
-->'''Elaine''': Your guy can't cross to my side [of the street]?
-->'''Owner''': If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth Street? Wall Street? Mexico? Eighty-fourth Street?

-->"This show will wreck your evening, your whole life, and your day."
-->"There's nothing but horror and inconvenience on the way."

-->'''Carson Beckett M. D.''': [sighs] We believe ATA or Ancient Technology Activation is caused by a single gene that's always on. Instructing various cells in the body to produce a series of proteins and enzymes that interact with the skin, the nervous system and the brain. In this case we're using a mouse retrovirus to deliver the missing gene to your cells.
-->'''Dr. Rodney [=McKay=]''': A mouse retrovirus?
-->'''Beckett''': It's been deactivated.
-->'''[=McKay=]''': Well, are there any side effects?
-->'''Beckett''': Dry mouth, headache, the irresistible urge to run in a small wheel...

---> '''Hammond:''' But let me play devil's advocate for a moment here. It's not our world. Is it really any of our concern?\\

-->'''Jack''': So, how was rehab?\\
'''John''': Rehab'''s'''. Plural.\\
'''Jack''': Drink, drugs, sex and ...?\\
'''John''': Murder.\\
'''Jack''': ''[laughs]'' You went to murder rehab?\\
'''John''': I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?

-->'''Kramer:''' These Marshalls are here to take Neal Caffrey into custody when he returns.
-->'''Peter:''' For what?
-->'''Kramer:''' Public endangerment. I've got a dozen eyewitnesses who saw Caffrey hop that tram. Combine that with evading arrest, obstruction of justice... I may even throw in a ''jaywalking'' charge for good measure.

** Season 2 has an episode entitled "Humbug," about a series of grisly murders in a community of retired and off-season circus sideshow performers.
-->'''Dr Blockhead''': No, in the classical sense The Conundrum is a geek.
-->'''Mulder''': He eats live animals...
-->'''Dr Blockhead''': He eats anything: Live animals, dead animals, rocks, light bulbs, corkscrews, battery cables, cranberries...

-->'''Scully''': Right, but what am I looking for?
-->'''Mulder''': Anything strange, unexplainable, unlikely... boyfriend?

-->'''Siroc:''' I guarantee there will be no permanent harmful side effects. There might just be a little bit of... nausea. And some headaches. And rashes. And diarrhea. And loss of appetite.
-->'''[[BigEater Ramon]]:''' [[FelonyMisdemeanor Loss of appetite?!]]
-->'''Siroc:''' Just kidding.

-->'''Rik''': Point 1: Abolish poverty! Point 2: Abolish capitalism! Point 3: ''Dexy's Midnight Runners'' playing free, daily, in the University library!

* In ''Series/{{Jessie}}'', after giving a speech about how toys are important and should be treated with care and not just to sell for money, Jessie tells the bad things Simon Sneed did to her childhood doll, Mary: he traded her doll for a cheap movie which is already poop and lied about its real value. And Ravi adds that he didn't provide a seat, which even the crowd thinks sounds silly.

* In ''Series/{{Jessie}}'', after giving a speech about how toys are important and should be treated with care and not just to sell for money, Jessie tells the bad things Simon Sneed did to her childhood doll, Mary : he traded her doll for a cheap movie which is already poop and lied about its real value. Then Ravi adds that he didn't give a seat, which even the crowd thinks sounds silly.

** During "The Prom" Jonathan discusses the weird things that have occurred at Sunnydale High. The other students mention "Zombies!", Hyena People!", "[[CrowningMomentOfFunny Snyder]]!"

* ''Series/TopGear'':

* ''Series/TheOffice'':

-->DONNA: He saves planets, rescues civilisations, defeats terrible creatures. And runs a lot. Seriously, there’s an outrageous amount of running involved.

* ''Series/TheTonightShow'': After advisors failed to wake RonaldReagan after the shooting down of Libyan warplanes, Creator/JohnnyCarson famously quipped, "I understand there are only two reasons you wake up Ronald Reagan. One is WorldWarIII. The other is if ''Hellcats of the Navy''[[note]]The only film in which he and wife Nancy appeared together[[/note]] is on the late show."

*** In an interview on ''The Daily Show'', LouisCK said that jokes about bad things are good. He then proceeded to list the bad things as rape, the Holocaust, and the Mets.