Reviews VideoGame / Crackdown

The Agents of Penzance; or, the Pirates of Pacific City

This review contains spoilers. And should be sung aloud to the tune of "The Major-General Song" from The Pirates Of Penzance. Be forewarned.

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I am the very model of a fascist superpowered thug;

I'm super fast and strong because of Shai-Gen and their wonder drug.

I'm armed with fists, grenades, and guns, so cross me and you'll meet your fate.

I'm working for the Agency to usher in a Police State.

I've mastered lots of armaments (they say the Firefly's the best)

And leap from roof to roof with grace, panache, confidence, and finesse.

I can do parkour like the Prince Of Persia on some PCP

Or grab a passing semi and throw it (and driver) in the sea.

(He grabs a passing semi and throws it and driver in the sea!)

My cars become more powerful as I get skills behind the wheel;

A simple sports car will, by endgame, be an Expy Batmobile.

I'm super fast and strong because of Shai-Gen and their wonder drug

And am the very model of a fascist superpowered thug.

To take Pacific City back, I have to murder lots of gangs:

Los Muertes, Volk, and Shai-Gen, culminating in their leader, Wang.

And if I chance to bite the big one, I can even resurrect;

I lose some XP, but it's plentiful, so I say what the heck.

The city has been oft compared to titles such as GTA

But offers lots more freedom than is seen in that franchise today.

I never talk to NP Cs; I find that they're an annoyance;

I meet with people, sure, but there's no chit-chat, there's just violence.

(He meets with people, sure, but there's no chit-chat, there's just violence!)

Upon the boss's death, you find I was the bad guy all along.

The game is great, it must be said; and now I will conclude this song.

But keep in mind I'm strong because of Shai-Gen and their wonder drug

And am the very model of a fascist superpowered thug.