William lulzblogs Chick Tracts because he hates himself

It seems alright to me, Will.

Maybe you aren't inspired?

The GM actually says it would have happened sooner or later because the character was too weak

Ohhh, so THAT's what the point of this tract was!

Hundreds of teens commit suicide every year because their characters weren't optimized enough. We can help. Call 1-800-MINMAX for more.

Not just throwing them away but burning them. That...that kind of pisses me off, especially since this guy is supposed to be the protagonist

As a protagonist myself, I'm pissed at the representation of our kind. :(

Though I think technically Debbie is the protagonist.

As for a review of the bloggening: I think you did a good job of picking apart Jack Chick's assumptions (like contrasting his idea of D&D with what it's actually about), and noting exactly where the lapses of logic were (like that he hadn't even offered an argument for Christianity in this one).

The first part was better than the second part, but I think a large part of that is because you had a lot more to work with there; afterwards it's pretty much the typical Jack Chick fare, plus book-burning.

Rock music obviously has everything to do with a role-playing game that evolved from a tabletop miniatures medieval military simulation. That's because both of them are clearly eeeeeevil *wiggly fingers.*

Furthermore, and by the same argument, Attila the Hun was a Communist.

Can't Jack Chick stop rolling ones on his research roll?

Oh, I forgot he doesn't do research. Therefore, he thinks theologians are evil because they do research.

It might if your oppressor has anything approaching a moral compass, but if he doesn't then turning the other cheek will simply result in your other cheek getting ripped off.

Actually, it's interesting to note the culture during the time... Namely, the Roman Empire. In their culture, they ALWAYS use their right hand to strike people. However, if they struck with the backside of their hand, it was seen as treating the person struck as an inferior. However, if they struck with the palm, the person struck was seen as an equal. Essentially, when Jesus means turn the other cheek, it means EXACTLY that. Turn your head so that the Roman oppressor would have to strike you with his palm and signify that you are his equal. This cultural influence permeates the Bible.

edited 7th Dec '09 9:49:57 PM by GameGuruGG

I'm curious how many people have actually converted after reading Chick Tracts. I'm guessing that it's a lot less than the number of people who could never take Christianity seriously again after reading Chick Tracts.

Correct. Then again, he's trying to get people to join his crazy cult, The One True Full Tract Church of Jack Chick^TM.

It's like My Species Doth Protest To Much in reverse.

"I don't want to be Elfstar any more. I want to be Debbie."

So THAT'S where that reference comes from! I've heard it before, but didn't know that THIS was the source.

If Jesus existed nowadays, and still preached the same stuff he did back then, I'm pretty sure there would be a vehement Chick Tract about his eeevils.

xD

If Jesus was around today, I'm pretty sure he would have replaced "Pharisee" with "People like Jack Chick" in his teachings. Funny how the guy who spent so much time preaching against self-righteousness now has so many self-righteous followers.

And notice how he's always white (execpt in the "adpated" versions) Despite his geogrpahic pointing towrads him being Ambigously Brown. Do we have a trope for that?

Well, Race Lift.

Can we get back on topic please?

What?

You're the one who asked the question.

After reading the D&D one, I wouldn't think "Dungeons and Dragons kills people."

I'd think "Holy shit, D&D gives you Telepathy! Sign me the fuck up, I'm taking over the world today.

Sorry, it was a Zombie Post.

I know, I know, I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really late to this, but I just want to say:

Nevermind that I know plenty of people who are both Christians and evolutionists.

THANK YOU!! You have no idea how frustrating it can be when people forget that a lot of us actually believe in both God and evolution by natural selection. Oh, and there was one thing you missed.

Miss Henn states that birds came from dinosaurs. I almost fainted there, because (at least going by most paleontologists' opinions) birds really did come from dinosaurs (theropods, to be precise). For once, it would seem that Chick accidentally got a scientific theory right. GREAT MOTHERF*CKING PUMPKIN be praised!

edited 23rd Dec '09 6:46:36 PM by Enchanter468

And then there are psittacosaurs, which are confusing.

And then there are psittacosaurs, which are confusing.

Kind of like hadrosaurs. I've always wondered what Chick & Co. would make of those. "An unholy fusion of reptile and DUCK!" Sure, most modern reconstructions don't really look like ducks, but Jack doesn't seem to like modern reconstructions anyway (seriously, his T. rex looks like it came from a book published 20+ years ago).

Not to be an annoying chatterbox, but William, I know you're in charge of the lulzblogging, but I would love to take a crack at "Big Daddy?", perhaps in the guest-blogging manner of Dire Sloth.

Again, this is your thread, so only if you're alright with it.

Others can contribute guest-lulzbloggings. In fact, I encourage you.

Consider it a drill?

Alrighty then!

So, as I mentioned before, I had a particular desire to do "Big Daddy?" While it may not be one of the Tracts of Legend the way "Dark Dungeons" is, BD was the first tract to introduce me to that unique blend of religious shame and frustrated rage that only Jack Chick can induce, so it's always held a...special, place in my heart.

Our story begins in a college classroom. A pudgy teacher with the Greasy Combover of Evil is giving a class on what I can only assume is either anthropology or paleontology. Behind him is a picture of what is either an australopith of some kind or a really badly drawn chimp, eating a banana, with the words "Our Father" under the picture.

Dear God please let that be a joke.

Anyway, Professor Combover asks how many of the class believe in evolution, receiving an absurdly thunderous reply of WE DO SIR! As a side note, Prof. Combover may want to institute a hand-raising policy in the future to keep the noise levels down.

Anyway, he then asks if anyone disagrees, and one student replies that he does. Combover then explains that he means no offense to the student, but for the purposes of a science class, they'll be going with evol-

No, wait. Sorry, got carried away there. That's what a normal teacher would have said there, but considering that this is the Chickiverse, Combover instead responds that the student (who will never be named) can "GET OUT of MY class!!" and that after he's apologized for his rudeness and ignorance, they MIGHT let him back in and holy crap! Professor Combover yells this with such force that he exhales a blast of super-compressed air that slices his outstretched arm off!

Or Jack-O's art just blows beyond all comprehension, but that's not nearly as amusing an idea.

Most teachers would stop the lecture there, but Combover heroically reattaches his severed arm and continues the lecture, admitting that he was a bit hasty. He states that he will now systematically tear the young Gary Stu's beliefs apart in front of the entire class, because we evolutionists are just like that.

When the teacher asks why the good Mr. Stu thinks that evolution is untrue, Stu tries to go all Little Susie on his ass, citing The Bible, but Combover cuts him off, yelling that he could have him jailed for that. Chick has a footnote here saying that he couldn't actually have Gary jailed, which would normally be a stunning admission of his own hyperbole, but in this case it's probably just meant to make Professor Combover look stupid. Anyway, Combover states that Gary will have to talk to him ONLY in scientific terms.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, comes something rarely seen by man.

Jack Chick is about to attempt to beat science at its own game.

So Gary states that there are six basic types of evolution, which Combover confirms. Gary states that the first five, Cosmic, Chemical, Evolution-of-Stars-and-Planets, Organic and Macro Evolution have never been observed, and are believed by faith. The Class of Unholy Loudness proclaims that "He's got a point there!" Disturbed by the stupid ease with which Gary Stu is taking over his class, Combover says he doesn't like his attitude and changes the subject.

Before we move on, I'd just like to clear something up: what Mr. Stu said there is bullshit. While it's obvious that we weren't around for the Big Bang ("Cosmic Evolution") or the formation of the solar system, Abiogenesis ("Chemical Evolution") has been empirically tested. Specifically, the classic Miller-Urey experiment, carried out in 1952, successfully synthesized 22 amino acids from inorganic components using naturally occurring catalysts (namely lightning). Of course, at the time they thought they'd only made 5 amino acids (a 2008 review of their data upped the number to 22), but the experiment still puts Stu and Jack-O firmly in the Critical Research Failure category.

Considering how Chick explains "Organic Evolution" as "life from rocks", I can't really respond to it, since pretty much every book I've ever read on the subject suggests that early life came about in the ocean rather than springing from frakking rocks.

Finally, Chick defines "Macro-evolution" as "changes between kinds of plants and animals" and "Micro-evolution" as "changes within kinds."

This is technically true (macroevolution means changes at or above the level of a species, while microevolution refers to changes below the level of a species), but the assertion that there is no evidence of macroevolution is...well, it's about as stupid as what you generally expect from a Chick Tract.

I'm pausing here because A. It's what William does, and B. This post is getting really long, and I don't want to have some computer issue happen and destroy everything I've written up to this point. Next time, we get into prehistoric man!

edited 25th Dec '09 1:38:20 PM by Enchanter468

When we last left our heroes, Professor Combover was doing his best to teach a class after surgically reattaching his left arm, but sadly was losing control of the lecture because, apparently, he can't remember that we've experimentally demonstrated abiogenesis, and apparently the fossil record doesn't count as observable evidence of macroevolution.

So Yeah...

Anyway, Combover decides to talk about prehistoric man now. He mentions the Neanderthal skull cap, and there's a picture of Darwin, as well as what seems to be a drawing of a monkey doing the funky chicken. Stu keeps quiet throughout this, but when Combover gets to "Lucy" (better known as Australopithecus afarensis) and states that she is 2.9 million years old, Stu points out that Combover is off by about 300,000 years and Lucy is more like 3.2 mil-

No, no, again, that would be a legitimate correction, and we have to avoid those in Chick tracts. Instead young Gary states that there was a human skull found in rock 212 million years old (long story short, no there wasn't) and that "most experts now agree" that Lucy was an unusual chimpanzee.

I...I...No. Just... No. Three or four scientists have suggested this since the discovery of A. afarensis, and most experts believe them to be WRONG.

Lucy is "an unusual chimpanzee" in the same way I'M an unusual chimpanzee! I'm sure there's a comment to be made about someone else involved with this tract being an unusual chimpanzee, but that would be an insult to unusual chimpanzees, so I'm not going there.

Combover goes on a bit longer and Gary figures he'll show a chart of amazing finds, and Combover, apparently having learned NOTHING from what Gary's been doing to his class all day, allows it, saying "This should be interesting! Yes, let's see it!-Science always has the answers!" Again, this is pretty much Chick projecting. Scientists will readily question the findings of other scientists; saying that "X always has the answers!" sounds an awful lot like what Gary, Little Susie and every other Author Avatar in these God-forsaken tracts always says about THE BIBLE.

Again, Jack might be projecting, but I don't know for sure.

So it turns out that the chart has a list of scientific "screw-ups" and hoaxes including the well-known, expertly faked Piltdown Man, Nebraska Man ("built up from one tooth", yeah, by the media, not the scientists), Peking Man, and...and...

JESUS CHRIST RIDING A UTAHRAPTOR◊, it's a picture of Lucy as a motherf*cking chimp with the caption that "Nearly all experts agree Lucy was just a 3 foot tall chimpanzee."

CHIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!!

(cough) Moving on, Chick then claims that the Neanderthal skeleton was that of an old man with arthritis, which might work if we didn't have multiple Neanderthal specimens. There are a few other things on the poster, but I don't care enough about them to mention...except for that last one, with "modern man" with the snarky caption "this genius thinks we came from a monkey."

(sounds of incoherent rage)

Combover, realizing that Gary's brilliant, not-at-all-inaccurate evidence is killing him, desperately tries to show that rock strata are million of years apart due to the fossils they contain, and Stu baits him into saying that they date the fossils from what layer of rock they're found in. Long story short, yes fossils are usually dated from the layer of rock they're found in, but rock strata are dated other ways (radiometric dating, for instance, can give you an absolute date for the age of a stratum).

Stu also mentions petrified trees, but that's a long explanation, so I'll just point you in the right direction.

Desperate to break Gary's momentum, Combover drags out Recapitulation Theory (the theory that the embryo mimics evolutionary stages). As Gary correctly points out, this theory was refuted pretty quickly, which is why no sane evolutionist would bring it up.

But again, this is the Chickiverse, where "sane evolutionist" is an oxymoron.

Combover gulps, knowing that the sham of evolution is being exposed, and desperately points to our tailbone as a vestigial organ, saying it proves we evolved from animals with tails. Gary (who is looking kind of creepy) points out that there are muscles attached to the tail bone, and that it's not "vestigial".

Tell me, guys, have you used your tail bone lately?

The vestigial legs of whales are brought up, and Gary (who is looming over Combover and looking really creepy now) points out that the "vestigial" pelvis has muscles necessary for whales to reproduce, which means it's not vestigial.

This is actually wrong ("vestigial" as per Darwin: An organ, serving for two purposes, may become rudimentary or utterly aborted for one, even the more important purpose, and remain perfectly efficient for the other), but what Gary says next is so unspeakably moronic that it eclipses his previous remark.

"Even if there were 'vestigial' organs, isn't losing something the opposite of evolution?"

I'm just going to let that one speak for itself.

Now, having reduced his opponent to a trembling, unsure old man, our victorious Creationist "hero" presses the attack, asking Combover what the binding force of the atom is. Thinking, foolishly, that he has a chance of winning a Chickiverse argument using stuff like facts, Combover responds with "It's gluons!" and a thought bubble of "Gotcha!"

And, if you can believe it, this is where the tract gets really stupid. Yes, all of the Critical Research Failures and wall banging has led up to this. Because when Professor Combover correctly points out gluons (the particle mediators of the Strong Nuclear Force), Gary responds with:

"Wrong, Sir! Gluons are a made-up dream. No one has seen or even measured them...they don't exist! It's a desperate theory to explain away truth!"

In case you're wondering, gluons are smaller than the wavelength of light. It is impossible to see them, even with the strongest microscope. However, there is experimental evidence that supports their existence.

So, having given up on beating science at its own game, Chick has resorted to saying that the science is just WRONG, with no evidence to back this assertion up.

But wait, it gets WORSE!

So, without gluons (which Gary rejected because there's not enough hard evidence) holding the protons in the atomic nucleus together, what's keeping the nucleus of every atom from flying apart? Gary quotes the Bible (Combover, dazed after Gary's Hannibal Lecture and probably still suffering from blood loss from that severed arm, allows it).

"It says that Christ, the Creator, 'is before all things, and by him all things consist (are held together).' Also it says 'All things were made by him (Christ); and without him was not anything made that was made.'" Combover asks if He (Christ, in case you can't tell) is the creator, and Gary replies "Yes, 'He (Christ) was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not.'"

YES, you read that correctly. According to Jack Chick, JESUS IS HOLDING EVERY ATOMIC NUCLEUS IN THE UNIVERSE TOGETHER. And apparently gluons are unacceptable because there's not enough hard evidence for them, but we're just supposed to ignore the fact that there's ABSOLUTELY NO HARD EVIDENCE that JESUS is the Strong Nuclear Force!

That sound you're hearing now is your brain exploding from the Logic Bomb.

Oh, also, WHAT DID THIS JESUS-GLUON THING HAVE TO DO WITH EVOLUTION!?

Anyway, Combover leaves class, now convinced that evolution can't possibly be true. He goes to explain things to...somebody, and is promptly shouted at and kicked out of the school. Just like poor Ms. Henn, Prof. Combover has to suffer because of one of Chick's psychotic Author Avatars.

Finally, with the teacher out of the way, Gary has access to the entire class, whom he preaches to about how Jesus died for their sins. This revelation (again, as is constant in the Chickiverse, nobody's heard of Christianity until a Sue/Stu tells them) causes one student to have this profound epiphany:

"Then we didn't evolve! The system has been feeding us THE BIG LIE! We really do have a soul!"

On a serious note, I'd like to mention to all of you that I am a Christian. I believe Jesus died for my sins (and everyone else's; I'm not special or anything), and in no way do I find that incompatible with the theory of evolution. I know not all Christians share my views, but it infuriates me that Chick and others believe that you have to choose either God or evolution.

Okay, Author Filibuster over. To end the tract, Chick of course manages to wedge John 3:16 in there, just in case people weren't sick of hearing it yet. And so ends "Big Daddy?", my introduction to the insane, irritating and brain-meltingly stupid world of Jack Chick. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you got at least a chuckle or two out of this, and I apologize if I have wasted your time.

Oh, and apologies to God for breaking a commandment, what with the whole "Jesus Christ Riding a Utahraptor" thing. It was done for the sake of humor, and the picture is way into Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot territory, so no offense was meant.

edited 26th Dec '09 10:29:41 PM by Enchanter468