The Official Bad Puns Topic

Honestly, in this pic, I see a maniacal grin of pure Hellishness in Xerosic's face. I guess he makes me Xerosic to my stomach.

Seeing crows as an ill omen: Caws for concern.

Kirby sitting on Jon's lap? Paws for concern.

In The Magic School Bus "Gets Ants In Its Pants", the class goes inside an anthill to make a documentary about the lives of ants. On their way to the queen's nest, they see some workers passing each other food using their mouths. Carlos, imagining them kissing, cheekily says that the film "should be a rom-ants." Since all the workers are females, he missed the golden opportunity to say that they're lesbi-ants!

And I'm outta here.

I'm writing a book about the use of written language in the prison system. It's called Prose and Cons.

I'm writing a book on the use of homophones and similar sounds in poetry and humour. It's called Rhyme and Punishment

I've got this good friend named Betty and she's been pretty paranoid lately. She's planning a trip to Maine, and wants to let her brother Hugh know where she'll be, but she won't call him because she thinks her phone is tapped, so she wanted me to call him on her behalf. I did convince her to call me once she gets there to let me know she made it safely, but because she thinks whoever tapped her phone might follow her, she wants us to refer to Maine as Alabama throughout our phone conversation. I told her "I can call Hugh, Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can call ME AL"

edited 25th Jun '16 8:26:24 PM by MikeK

To all the first-time Undertale players who have finished the Pacifist run, congratulations. You've Mettaton of new friends.

Here are next season's judges for America's Got Talent!

Q: What's the most painful primary color?

A: Yellow.

An avatar-uploading gaffe of mine led to this:

edited 10th Jul '16 9:40:07 PM by TroperNo9001

♫ Wheeeeeeeen aaaaaaaa New Zealand fan loves a well-tattooed man, that's a Maori ♫

Two guys walk into a bar...

... You'd think the second one would have seen it and ducked.

Art, I thought I didn't tell you that one.

How does everybody know my obviously original material?!

You didn't tell me that one.

I've known it for years

Okay so you're telling me someone I told the joke to has a time machine?! The hell is with this world?!

Idk!!!!

A man escaped a mental hospital, had sex with a number of people in a laundromat, and then fled before authorities could arrive. The headlines the next day read, "Nut screws washers and bolts."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his balls. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "Alright then, but first, you have the tell me why you have a steering wheel attached to your balls..." The Pirate looks him in the eye and says "ARRR!! It be drivin me nuts!!"

Bad Kerning is the name of a village in Germany. It's close to Bad Ems... but not quite as close as it should be.

I saw a really strange movie the other night. it was basically part sports movie, part Jukebox Musical - the characters were playing some contact sport involving sticks, balls, and nets, but every few minutes they'd suddenly break into songs made famous by The Beatles. I think it was called Lacrosse The Universe.

Golgo: "What's the difference between a normal blowjob and a Succubus blowjob?"

Me: "extra succ"

Little known fact^* And by "little-known," I mean "falsified for the sake of this gag": The guy who played King Candy, Wash, and the Duke of Weselton was born with 2 sets of genetalia. Hey, they don't call him Alan Two-dick for nothin'!

Too vulgar?

Too vulgar

So, what little of my theatrical career I've done managed to impress someone who keeps wondering "what's he building in there?", so we came up with an act where I do Stylistic Suck tap-dancing while he awkwardly stands off to the side and patiently awaits the music to stop.

We call the act "William Taps while Tom Waits.