Corrupt-a-wish.

Granted, turns out the villain is actually a Well-Intentioned Extremist who offered Human Sacrifice to appease an Eldritch Abomination. With the villain's death and the sacrifices' escape, the unspeakable horror promptly launches a grand scale attack against humanity. Mankind is doomed by a group of slasher film survivors. Nice work.

I wish I can join the Helghan Empire.

edited 16th Jan '18 6:44:16 AM by Mhazard

Granted, you're just a standard Mook

I wish I could think of how to incorporate a plot device into my story idea.

You can think of a way to incorporate that plot device...but it's so contrived and ridiculous that it ruins the entire story.

I wish I could text my dogs and get intelligible answers.

Granted. It turns out your dogs hate you.

I wish to do something nice but nondestructive for the genie that is granting my wishes.

Granted, the generosity you offer the genie is being a slave to him for the rest of your life. Don't worry, he won't exactly abuse or torture you, he'll just rub it in that you're suffering a lifetime of of humiliation doing anything that this haughty jinn expects of you.

I wish to become the next genie of the lamp.

Granted. Your lamp is buried five miles deep into the Earth's crust.

I wish every unsolved police case in the world was successfully solved, (meaning they actually figure out who's responsible) even the ones from centuries ago.

Ahem, I specifically said they actually figure out who's responsible.

edited 18th Jan '18 10:26:40 AM by ChaoticQueen

Granted. Unfortunately, you've been fingered as the perpetrator...for ALL OF THEM. Now you're forced to serve a Longer-Than-Life Sentence.

I wish modern Internet culture wasn't so dependent on unfunny memes for communication.

The Internet reverts to usage of Emoticons and ASC-II Font.

I wish the Khmer Rouge never was a thing

Granted, but the world loses one of its easiest-to-remember real-life supervillain names in the process. "Mommy? What's a Pol Pot?"

I wish there really were five lights.

Granted, they are all broken.

I wish to write.

You write many words over several hours, but none of those words fit together in any coherent sentences.

I wish I had a job.

Granted. You work 24/7 at a penny a week.

I wish I wouldn't get so caught up over little things.

You get caught up over the big ones, and don't make much of an impact on the world.

I wish we could all figure out what the hell accent Tommy Wiseau is supposed to be speaking.

granted, but how you cant figure out anyone elses accent!

I wish it wasnt soo cold.

Granted. Now it's even colder.

I wish for Sega to make and release a good Sonic game.

Done, the game so good and so advanced that it'll take 200 years to build a console powerful enough to handle its performance.

I wish the Star Wars prequels were good.

So where's the punishment?

edited 19th Jan '18 10:39:38 AM by ChaoticQueen

Granted. Now the sequels were never made.

I wish Spongebob ended after the movie.

Unfortunately for you, the show ended when its ratings were at their peak, and Nick spends the next few decades trying to recapture SpongeBob's appeal, with little success.

I wish America really did fake the Moon landing.

Granted. Since nobody ever landed on the moon, we never learned that in reality there is a massive army of moon people with incredibly advanced technology and a religious hatred of humans. As a result, we will be incredibly unprepared when the time comes for their wrath

I wish I had better focus

Granted. Your super focus prevents you from ever procrastinating. Say goodbye to TV Tropes!

I wish to finish my conlang.

Only you and your dog can speak it.

I wish to have four arms.

Those extra set of arms are vestigial, and they can't be removed. Enjoy being called a freak!

I wish my eyesight didn't worsen when I play video games for extended periods of time.

Granted. Now your eyesight is that bad all the time.

I wish Hollywood-style ninjas were real and not attempting to kill me.

Granted. There are now billions of them (kinda like zombies), and since they all have to obey the law of Conservation of Ninjutsu, they die whenever someone ever so much as thinks about them, robbing them of their mystique and coolness.

I wish Kaiju and Humongous Mecha didn't cause catastrophic damage to cities when they fight.

Granted. Kaiju now solve conflicts through civilized and peaceful discussion. By god, it is boring.

I wish I was immune to all sickness