Taken in Hand, "When lulzblogging is a gift"

Intro:

When Made Of Meat first mentioned Taken in Hand, and I asked what it was, I then wondered if I would be sorry I asked. The answer, of course, was "for the love of God, don't ask if you value your mental health." But I did, and I got this reply:

Taken in hand is basically a submissive wife always submitting to her dominant husband in a loving and caring relationship with (obviously) a touch of D/s and some rough lovin'. They have no safety words.

Meaty linked to the site in YF a few month ago, if memory serves.

The fact that Made Of Meat originally linked to it should have been my first clue that the site was Not Safe For Sanity, but in an epic display of Genre Blindness, I thought "that doesn't sound that bad."

It wasn't. It was worse than that bad. In the immortal words of Charlatan:

AHDFBHIFBIBEBHBHBHRBHBHIR.

...Yeah, that pretty much sums up my feelings about Taken in Hand. Anyways, they have a series of nodes and articles concerning their lifestyle. So, tropers, I need a big, strong dominant Alpha Male to tell me which article to lulzblog first. The link to the site is here.

>:D

>:D

>:D

>:D

Okay then. On your mark, get set, GO!

Well, you heard her, boys. We need to have a flexing contest to see which of us gets to choose.

Joking aside, I'd recommend starting with something that kind of outlines the core principles of the Taken in Hand philosophy, to get everyone up to speed on what exactly this nonsense is supposed to be fundamentally about.

^ FLEXING SKILL HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!

rips off uniform tunic and shirt

flex, flex

There's one about Victoria and Albert I want to see.

edited 7th Jun '10 11:27:56 PM by Rottweiler

Sorry, Rottweiler, but since Schitzo has already showed me what a real man is, I'll be lulzblogging the FAQs first.

What is a Taken in Hand relationship?

A Taken In Hand relationship is a wholehearted sexually exclusive marriage in which, to the delight of both spouses, the man actively controls the woman.

You know, just adding the word "delight" to a sentence doesn't automatically sound good. For instance, I can say, "Who wants to try my new dish? I call it Turd Delite."

If he's controlling me actively, can we still french passively?

The degree of control and the way the husband retains control vary from Taken In Hand couple to Taken In Hand couple, but in all cases both husband and wife actively want the husband to have the upper hand. No matter how strong, tough and forceful a Taken In Hand wife may be, and no matter how hard she might try to take control in their marriage, she would be aghast if her husband were to let her get the upper hand. Likewise, no matter how loving, kind and considerate the husband may be, he prefers to keep his wife firmly in hand.

...You know, this block of text could be a Drinking Game. Take a sip every time they Title Drop the word "hand."

How do I know whether Taken in Hand is right for me?

A Taken In Hand relationship is a wholehearted sexually exclusive marriage in which, to the delight of both spouses, the man actively controls the woman. The degree of control and the way the husband retains control vary from Taken In Hand couple to Taken In Hand couple, but in all cases...

Hey, wait...◊

And finally...

What you need to know about Taken in Hand

As you may have read elsewhere on the site, a Taken In Hand relationship is a wholehearted sexually exclusive marriage in which, to the delight of both spouses, the man actively controls the woman.

Okay, so at least these guys are honest about being shameless copypastas. That's more than can be said about their misogyny and the BDSM nature of their lifestyle. But there'll be more on that later.

edited 7th Jun '10 11:57:19 PM by LeighSabio

Thank you for doing this, Leigh.

So not only are they too lazy to write anything that's not blatantly misogynistic, but they're too lazy to write original content more than once. Brilliant.

If it's voluntary, I'm not sure where the misogyny is so far. But I won't be surprised if I see some genuine specimens soon.

edited 8th Jun '10 3:01:42 AM by Korgmeister

I'm mildly afraid of where this is going.

Their color scheme hurts my eyes.

So, I'm getting kinda Gor vibes here. Anyway, I just can't wait to see where this goes, and by that, I mean that this will probably hurt, but it'll hurt so good.

This is much worse. Gor has rideable dinosaurs.

Leigh, you are a better (and braver) woman than I. Go forth, and beat back the beast.

^^^Cabot! I wrote that website for you, Cabot! Cabot!

edited 8th Jun '10 3:49:22 PM by Myrmidon

And we're back to the Crapsaccharine World that is Taken in Hand. Apparently, they have no idea how to make their own lifestyle safe.

They have a glossary which is rather boring, so I'll just be summarizing it for you Ambrose Bierce style:

The Devil's Taken in Hand dictionary:

1. A Taken in Hand relationship - A Taken in Hand relationship is one not deserving of any originality in it's description, so we'll just copypasta the description you've seen 10000 times yet again.
2. BDSM - BDSM refers to bondage, domination, discipline, submission, sadism, and masochism. It is safe, sane and consensual, unlike Taken in Hand. Taken in Hand folk find BDSM relationships scripted, boring, and unerotic, which is why TiH prefers kinkier things such as the missionary position.
3. Blanket Consent - Agreement that it's not abuse if you enjoyed it. And believe me, they enjoyed it. Even though they were fighting, crying, and screaming "stop" the whole time.
4. CAFL - Stands for Rape Is Love, but Taken in Hand folk really never learned to spell.
5. D/s - Dominance and Submission. Any resemblance to Taken in Hand is purely coincidental.
6. DD - Domestic Discipline. Things like totally not erotic spanking. A great way to bring order to an otherwise chaotic home by taking away those pesky things that cause fights and divorces, such as disagreement, equality, and the wife's freedom.
7. Discipline - She wants it deep down. Really deep down in a dark corner of her subconscious that conveniently only her husband can see, I'm sure she wants it.
8. HOH, HOR - Stands for Head of Household and Head of Relationship. That's the husband. Now get in the kitchen and make him a sammich.
9. Internal Enslavement - Not worth defining. Probably because it will sound too much like Taken in Hand. But it isn't. I swear!
10. M/s - A Master/slave relationship. Different from Taken in Hand, see, because in an M/s relationship, one person owns another, but in Taken in Hand, the wife is just her husband's possession.
11. Micromanagement - The husband taking control of even the smallest decisions the wife makes. Some wives like this, and some don't.
12. Masochism - Masochism is the psychological tendency to derive pleasure, often including sexual pleasure, from emotional or physical pain. Taken in Hand will proceed to describe it at length in flowery, language and great poetic detail, but it doesn't apply to them, dammit.
13. OTK - Pulling your wife Over The Knee to spank her, rather than, as the title of the site would suggest, over the hand.
14. SM - Sadomasochism. We'll define this again and go into detail about it again...because...because...well, it's not like we like it or anything. Stupid.
15. Service kink - According to some author somewhere, it's something that a woman might actually have a say in. Ew, gross! Get it away from us!
16. Slave - Totally not the woman in a Taken in Hand relationship.
17. Submission - Also totally not the woman in a Taken in Hand relationship.
18. TPE - Total Power Exchange. A form of BDSM where one partner gives absolute control of the relationship to the other partner. It's...I mean, it's not...I mean...It's just like...Oh, fuck it, even Taken in Hand admits that this is Taken in Hand by another name.

Hmm...The writer of this section seems to be a lot more interested in BDSM than in Taken in Hand. But it's not because they have anything to do with each other or anything.

edited 11th Jun '10 9:54:37 AM by LeighSabio

It's brand spankin'... old!

It's brand spankin'... old!

spankin'

I love your word choice, Freezair.

Is there a Gender Flipped version of this where the woman is the one in power? Or are these people too misogynistic to even think that?

^That's something I wonder about. How would a Gender Flip version of that be received?

It exists.

Hm. Interesting.

From an intellectual standpoint, I mean.

That was the idea. :P

^^ Sure you do.

PURELY OBJECTIVE INTEREST.

Honest...