The not-so-heoric superhero list: OR If I were as superhero I would-

The Universal Genre Savvy Guide Is good an all, but it seems that an equivalent specifically for superheros is mostly non-existent.

So I'm remedying this by making my own!

1. Even if great power comes with great responsibility, it also comes with great opportunity to make fat scads of money. If I can make legal money form my powers, I will do so.

2. If I can get away with it, I will use redundant powersets. If I already have alien genes and super strength, I’ll learn charlie atlas kung-fu, if I have black belt in that I’ll get power armour, and If I have power amour you can bet I’m going to get alien genes as well.

3. Regardless of my powers, I will be sure to pack heat or at least a stun gun for the inevitable depowering.

4. Likewise, if I can comfortably lift 10+ tons, I will consider the Gau-8 a viable sidearm.

5. I will realise that the bar for what counts as nonlethal for invulnerable, regenerating, or immortal super villains is pretty high, and thus adapt accordingly.

6. When I encounter my inevitable evil twin I will attempt to reason with them before combat. We probably have a lot in common.

7. I will accept a super-villains’ surrender when it is offered. Sure they’ll stab me in the back as soon as they can, but in the mean time they aren’t wrecking metropolis and you can slap handcuffs on them.

8. I will join local law enforced, or learn the proper conduction for a citizen’s arrest. Anti-reg or not, it’s nice to know how the system works.

9. I will try to avoid skimpy costuming. Even if I am invincible, my leotard/speedos aren’t, and it will aid in my role as a role model.

10. Unless I can run a mile in them, no heels. Flats will work well enough, thanks.

11. If I CAN run a mile with them, I will wear stilettos, because when I kick people IT WILL HURT MORE.

12. If I have laser eyes, super speed, and super-strength, I will not alternate between one or the other. I will use all of them at once at maxium power.

13. Likewise I will avoid holding back in battles. Sure, revealing unheard-of powers will surprise my foes, but both the readers and metropolis will thank me if I use full power from the start rather than just pulling it out of my arse in an emergency.

14. If I do not have a super-travel power or at least a thememobile, I will hunt for one. What worthless superhero needs a bus?

15. If offered a sadistic choice between my girlfriend or a busfull of nuns, I will instead shoot the offending supervillain in the crotch.

16. I will not deign counter measures in case one of my super friends goes rouge. It leaves bad blood between us and eventually some smartass will attempt to steal them and use it against my buddies.

17. On the contrary, I will make counter-measures for when a member of my rogue’s gallery attempts to fight me. It will save the both of us a LOT of time and effort, and if a villain steals one of those they’re still going to use it on a mutual foe.

18. If a super-villain is ranting at me about how I’m a hypocrite and a childish slobbering wreck and my morality is flawed and yadda yadda yadda, I will not listen to the lying fiend. I will instead punch him.

19. I will in addition research on philosophy and debating so when I do have to match words instead of fists with a supervillain, I can.

20. If I have one lethal, critical weakness, I will not fight crime in an outfit that does not protect me from it’s effects. This also fits in with the power-amour thing at rule 2, above.

21. No capes.

22. NO CAPES!

23. Okay, only if it has superpowers and will thus help me fight crime. Likewise with long hair.

24. If I’m an ancient god, or a mythological creature of some sort, I will do vast amount of research on the myths and legends surrounding me, taking carful note of where they do and do not mix with the reality.

25. If I cannot even hurt my opponent, I will not continue beating on him like a fool. I will seek to bury him in concrete or a stronger substance instead.

26. If I have any immunity to a thing that kills most people, I will abuse it remorselessly when making my secret hideaway. Burying it under a lava waterfall in a vacuum comes to mind.

27. Likewise If I do not need to breathe and/or are immune to poison, I will abuse tear gas and dose myself in tranquiliser poison. If the police and zoos can use them, why can’t I?

28. If I’m space capable, I will not wait until a giant meteor is within spitting distance of earth before moving it. I will instead shove it aside as soon as it leaves the asteroid belt and not a moment later.

29. Alternately I’ll smash it to bits, they carry the bits to earth and sell them at a ludicrous markup. Mining companies will love me.

30. I will not be ludicrously sceptical of anything even if it sounds insane. Dragons do not exist because aliens do, but the existence of aliens does not disprove them either.

31. I will not ponder why a supervillain isn’t tyring to make billions of dollars of his weather machine. I will instead take it, and use it to make millions of dollars myself.

32. If my rouge’s gallery is entirely made of insane nutters, and I keep retuning them to the same asylum with no improvement, I will consider alternate rehabilitations procedures.

33. I will resit the urge to defeat any opponents by stripping them naked. Sure, it’ll humiliate or even depower them in some cases, but no good Samaritan law will cove me for sexual harassment.

34. I will do vast amounts of charity work, public works, and other community-building projects. This way, the next time some-one says that I don’t do anything other than fighting crime, I will point at that shiny bridge I built and thumb my nose at them.

35. As talking may not be a free action, I will not pause a fight to monolog or mock my foes; I will multitask.

36. I will always carry a large paint container or a bag of flour in my utility belt. That way, I can just open a can of it and spread it over the local area if I suspect invisible or otherwise stealthy foes.

37. Even If I have a secret identity, I will consider leaving my face in plain view. This will make it much harder for a super-villain to steal my mantle and shame my good name.

38. I will consider having multiple secret identities on the go at any one time. Therefore, If I am mind-controlled, have omy costume stolen, or otherwise have my reputation sullied, I’ll switch to another identity while I clear my name.

39. If I’m the creator of a series of power amours, I will sell the second-rate ones to the police/army while keeping the primary one for myself. This will ensure they can actually fight crime themselves while ensuring I’ll have the advantage if some two-bit crook steals one and goes on a rampage.

40. Is at all possible, I will make backup copies and keep the plans of my super-powered invention. It will save on a lot of heartache.

41. I will lean how to get out of handcuffs or other bindings, a-la Houdini. After all, superheros end up in them as often as villains do.

42. If a villain is tyring to make a bomb to level metropolis, I will not just dismantle the missile: I will remove the glowing green rocks that make it run and sell it at a ludicrous mark-up.

43. Standard procedure when engaging supervillains will not be just to fight them normally. It will be to knock them into the next state while I get coffee and clean up their mess.

44. I will help rebuild after every super-battle. It will build P.R and save on insurance premiums.

45. If I can get an acquired poison immunity, I can probably also get an acquired kryptonite immunity.

46. I will not dress in dark colours and spike-filled amour even though I’m a hero. While it will still throw my enemies into confusion, it will also do that to my allies and there is only so many times I want to fight that plucky new super I just met.

47. This even applies if I’m a dark ages superhero. Although the term “hero” is pretty questionable in that case…

48. If there is a ring or piece of jewellery I need to activate my powers, I’ll consider putting the real one on a nipple piercing or similarly awkward place and wear a fake on my fingers.

49. If I’m not immune, resistant, or capable of dodging bullets, I will seriously question how the hell I’m meant to fight crime.

50. I will not strain with all my super-strength to stop a runaway train. Instead, I will board it, switch on the freaking brakes, and work from there.

51. If my opponent can be reasoned with or at least has a twisted sense of honour, I ask if we can move our battle into a location with less collateral damage.

52. If I have super-senses, I will remember the existence of such things as flash- bangs, and air horns, and will prepare accordingly.

53. While on my way to a crime-in-process, I will ring the police on my way in. This ether gets me reinforcements, or a way to make charges actually stick on the next guy I punch out.

54. If my alien buddy from Pluto has leant to speak English within minutes of land on earth, I will ask him to tell me his secrets of translation.

55. If I AM that alien buddy, I will get myself a job as a translator.

56. If I’m a super genius I will endeavour to fix diseases other than several of the inevitable super-diseases. Reed Richards may be useless, but I’m not him, am I?

57. Crotch-shots, biting, and other unsporting tactics are not too good for my foes. It’s about being heroic, not being sporting.

58. Likewise, 6-to-1 odds are always preferable.

59. I will keep a secondary option open if a foe is immune to all my powers. It’s inventible that some smartarse writer will have the lighting guy fight a rubber man at some point.

60. Cars work better as clubs than projectiles.

Feel free to join in with more ideas and/or rebuttals!

edited 18th Oct '13 4:50:21 AM by doorhandle

61. If my combat capabilities generate any profound rumours about me, I will exploit them for everything that they're worth.

62. If I have made a habit of going full power immediately in combat, I will keep in mind that eventually some wiseass villain will hypnotize a frail civilian and dress them in a villain costume in hopes that I will pulp this innocent person. If I see this coming, I will have a non-lethal option handy.

63. If I meet an eerily similar apparently non-powered individual of the opposite sex, I will consider the possibility that they're the secret identity of my Distaff Counterpart or Spear Counterpart (as applicable), even if I don't yet have one.

63b. If I meet an eerily similar overtly powered individual of the same sex, there's a fair chance that they are an Evil Counterpart. Proceed with caution.

63c. Rule 63b goes double if they happen to be a friend, relative or relative of a close friend of mine. Indeed, I will go out of my way to avoid misunderstandings that could lead to a Face–Heel Turn.

64. Think "What would Rob Liefeld have me do" and do the opposite. Acting like an '90s Anti-Hero will just get me made into a Butt-Monkey.

64b. That includes only carrying guns if I absolutely have a reason to, being reasonably polite to other heroes and only swearing if the situation warrants it. If I can't control my temper, I will take anger management lessons.

65. If I'm not lucky enough to be in a situation where nobody considers the possibility I have a secret identity, I'll create a fake one (ideally an orphan with no friends or family who was adopted by other superheroes) who lives in a safe house and prefers to be left on their own when they're off duty. If possible, after each adventure I'll change into them and head head back to said safe house (or swap with a trusted body double who can look after themselves) before sneaking back in my real one.

edited 20th Oct '13 11:10:29 AM by Bisected8

66. Even if I am bulletproof, I will conceder the many alternatives to bullets available in this crazy world of super science, and adapt accordingly.

67. Unless there is no better way, I will avoid announcing my entrance by blasting through the walls. It’s unstealthy, causes a lot of property damage and I could hurt civilians or my own allies.

68. I will avoid explaining my powers to my enemies. Sure, it’s nice to brag about “unbreakable skin” or “my wings are like a shield of steel!” but that just makes supervillains get “creative”.

69.(Ha!) Likewise, I will tell my allies about my powers, If only to avoid situations where my only justification for not fixing it is “you never asked.”

70. Costumes are good, power armour is better, but living outfits are to be avoided.

71. This includes talking weapons and power armour with A.I: don’t want THEM to get stroppy.

72. I will endeavour to carry spare costumes/armours and make them either resistant to my powers (I.E fire) or able to share them (i. e regeneration or invulnerability). Superheros and heroines alike just have a nasty habit of ending up starkers.

73. I will avoid being the aggressor in super-conflicts. It will make charges more likely to stick and help me keep my moral advantage.

74. If my enemies are the same species as me with the same weakness, I will abuse it relentlessly against them while using a kryptonite-proof suit.

75. Invincible doe not mean undefeatable. If I cannot hurt my foes I will immobilise them, and If I cannot immobilise them I will move them away, and If I cannot do that I will reason with them. If I can't do that either I will annoy, harass and frustrate them until they give up their goals and go home.

edited 23rd Oct '13 3:38:02 PM by doorhandle

if it's a runaway train, some one on board might have already tried the brakes, to no avail.

76. i will avoid any and all cloning experiments if i can help it.

77. no deals with the devil, demons, or any denizen of the underworld. for any reason. ever.

edited 23rd Oct '13 3:35:50 PM by crimsonstorm15

Good point. I may have to amend that one. (Train-stopping while paying attention to physics is hard!)

all you others were pretty good, though. just thought of another combat-oriented one:

78. i will end any super-fight as quickly and as efficiently as possible. trading blows in a drawn-out fight will make the cooler You Tube video, but, as previously mentioned, keeping collateral damage down is a must.

this also supports my belief that super hero fights go by "street fight rules:" there are no cheap shots, only winning shots. bite, pull hair, kick 'em where the sun don't shine, the only rules in a street fight are self-imposed.

edited 23rd Oct '13 8:14:55 PM by crimsonstorm15

79. If my weakness is glaringly obvious and I'm dealing with a genre-savvy villain, I will act like I'm not worth their time before sneaking up behind them with a very large plasma cannon.

80: If I see a beam attack coming for me, I will dodge. Not stare at it until it hits. Not fly in its line of fire. Dodge.

81. I will not attempt to reflect an energy beam at an opponent unless I know I can do so.

82.I will not dismiss my opponents if they are just a normal. As anyone who looks at batman knows, there is probably nothing “mere” about that mortal.

83.I will seriously conceder joining a supergroup. While soap-opera antics are unwarranted, many hands will make MUCH lighter work of my enemies.

84.Whenever a smart-alek civilian accuses me of fostering the superhero problem, I will ask them about the last time they bothered to help themselves in an emergency.

85.Likewise, when fighting a supervillain/working to save people from a natural disaster, I will not wait for them to do something; I will ask them to ring 911 or run away, depending on situation.

86. I will wear a cup, and possible goggles, under my armour: I feel free to resort to cheap tactics, why wouldn’t they?

87.I will strongly consider carrying adventuring gear on my person at all time’s especially if I’m not superstrong: You never know when you may need a crowbar, a grappling hook, a fire extinguisher…

edited 26th Oct '13 6:50:54 PM by doorhandle

89. (thanks for this idea, Spidey) invest in tracking devices. eventually, the choice between chasing the villain and saving the orphans from the burning building will come up in your career. tag the baddie or his vehicle with one as he's leaving the building; it might save you a headache or two later.

edited 8th Nov '13 9:51:11 PM by crimsonstorm15

That's actually pretty brilliant. Kudos to you and spidey!

one more from me, and i'll take a break:

90. no matter how much of a lone wolf you think you are, every superhero needs a small circle of secret-keepers to watch their back. find 3-5 of the most trustworthy people in your life and tell them your secret identity as soon as possible. this can get you out of quite a few awkward situations down the road.

edited 8th Nov '13 9:55:45 PM by crimsonstorm15

91. If I have a secret identity, I will tell my family my secret, so that if any villains attack them, they will know what to do (call me).

92. When I am in a situation where the villain has attacked some citizens in a slow matter (like moving a laser towards them), I won't act like the citizens are doomed. I will tell them to move away from the slow moving death object, and deal with the villain myself.

93. If I have all the powers I will ever need, and I have a villain who plans on destroying the world, I WILL consider killing him. I may be a hero, but that doesn't mean I can't kill who I need to kill.

94. If the villain has put bombs all over the city, and I have 10 hours to stop them, I will get help from the professionals who know how to disable bombs.

95. If I have great strength, I will destroy the bombs before they explode.

96. If I can fly, I will take the bombs into space and leave them on an asteroid.

97. I will pretend my superpower is somewhat different than it actually is. E.G. if I have telekinesis, I will act like I have super strength. If the villain traps me where my supposed powers would be useless, I will just use my real powers.

98. I will pretend I have a weakness I don't really have. E.G. I will pretend I have a weakness against squirrels. If I get trapped with my supposed weakness, it will not affect me.

99. I will wear practical outfits. Yes, some colorful costumes do look cool, but they will be useless when trying to hide from/sneak up on someone. And spandex is out of the question; it looks horrible and it is as tough as wet toilet paper.

100. No matter how crazy my writer or actor is, if I am a "batman-style" hero, I WILL look for colors other than black. I will also consider learning multiple languages and taking drama classes to keep up a non-heroic appearance.

101. When dealing with a Dangerously Genre-Savvy Evil Overlord, I will consider reading the Evil Overlord List.

102. Wearing some sort of head gear that make it impossible to identify myself. A villain could defiantly use some modern technology to discover who I am, plan around my habits, and possibly use family against me.

103. If a villain continuously escapes from jail and harms innocents or even threatens your family once remember that super heroic fights do tend to weaken structures. Make sure the witnesses think that you couldn't save the villain or do it when there are no witnesses.

104. I will not make my presence known to mooks. I will either let them figure out I'm there or sneak attack them.

105. I will not destroy the city on purpose

106. I will refrain from gloating, especially if my rival is defeated.

107. I refuse to Tempt Fate. I will, however, insist that my enemy, nemesis or rival do so.

108. If I wear a costume, I'm not going to start drinking on the job.

109. No underwear on the outside.

110. Advanced martial arts or technology are not mutually exclusive with superpowers. I will be as overpowered as possible

111. Permanently crippling or depowering a particularly dangerous and stubborn supervillain does not conflict with codes not to kill.

112. If a villain offers a teamup to deal with a mutual concern, be vigilant and expect the inevitable betrayal, even if the offer was in earnest.

113. If I don't work well with others, I at least won't deliberately interfere with other heroes. I won't "stake my claim" on a crime, less work for me anyway.

114. Yanking a falling civilian out of the air does not save them, it just makes my arms the point of impact instead of the concrete.

115. I will not date a supervillain, no matter how hot they are.

116. If a supervillain is fighting me with advanced technology, I will take it from them, and either use it myself or give it to officials to be reverse-engineered.

117. If an ally dies, I won't mourn much; they'll just be written back to life in a few issues anyway.

118. To that end, I'll take out many life insurance policies so I can make a huge profit when I inevitably die and subsequently come back to life.

edited 2nd Jan '14 11:51:49 PM by Anomalocaris20

119. Learn first aid. If possible, get enough training to be a paramedic.

120. As an amendment to rule 71, If the AI is Cortana, then it's acceptable. Presuming that it's at the start of her 7-year warranty time.

121. No rocket-powered cars.

122. I will take all forms of stealth training, and all forms of martial arts. Especially if I have powers that can increase my skill in those areas.