Chapter 2: Better, though the writing still lacks punch. It could flow more naturally. Nothing in particular to point out, but could use quite a bit of reworking. Also, again, the infodumps. At least segue them in naturally. For example, have Hazuki act in an airheaded manner, and then let Sakura comment on it.
Chapter 3: Same deal as the previous chapters. Needs a lot of reworking to make it flow better and be more interesting to read.
edited 27th Jan '13 6:07:41 AM by fillerdude
- Should I focus on character development like what was done in Ro-Kyu-Bu?
- Or should I focus on supernatural moves like in Kuroko no Basuke?
- Or should I do both?
edited 27th Jan '13 6:33:33 AM by judasmartel
edited 27th Jan '13 8:00:42 AM by judasmartel
edited 28th Jan '13 7:38:21 PM by judasmartel
edited 31st Jan '13 7:36:26 AM by judasmartel
- First two paragraphs: basically fat. Trim it. You can also use the narration to show the perspective of certain characters.
- The dialogue and narration is too stiff at the moment. The interactions need to feel more natural, and the narration needs to flow better.
- First off, this sort of thing is perfect for a cliffhanger, isn't it? It's a bigger hook for your readers.
- Second, that infodump is awkward. Leave it for the next chapter. You can relay the information with a line like:
- Hazuki looked like she saw a ghost. Her eyes rested on the name printed on Ryoko's shirt. "Mizunomachi..." she mutters. What's an ex-member of the former Prefectural Champions doing in this place?
edited 1st Feb '13 8:53:36 AM by fillerdude
edited 1st Feb '13 5:15:44 AM by judasmartel
edited 4th Feb '13 1:30:09 AM by judasmartel
Red portion: can be omitted. Since Sakura already said yeah, we already know they're heading to the cafeteria. Of course, you can leave it there for color text. Either way works, really.
edited 4th Feb '13 3:19:26 AM by fillerdude
edited 4th Feb '13 6:25:11 PM by Archereon
edited 4th Feb '13 6:29:48 PM by judasmartel
edited 4th Feb '13 6:59:57 PM by Archereon
edited 4th Feb '13 7:15:05 PM by chihuahua0
- The hero team is a Japanese girls HS team, the average is 5-6, the tallest is at 6-foot (should have made her 1-2 inches taller, but I guess it's okay to give room for the opposing teams), the shortest is at 5-1. So is it really small or is it just fine? I wanted my hero team to be a balanced one so they don't have to rely on run-and-gun all the time. (The run-and-gun is notorious for its fast-paced offense at the cost of the team using it not having enough energy to play defense, so it's not capable of producing championships on a more consistent basis than a defense-oriented team).
- I have an idea for a male supporting character. Now the problem people have with it is that they tend to dislike this type of character because "it's uninteresting". So I tried to come up with ways to make him interesting, but it could end up in him stealing the spotlight from the all-female cast. So how do I make a male character in an all-female cast interesting without him stealing the spotlight from the female main character/s? I don't like making him Darker and Edgier because I consider it a cheap way to make him interesting.
- I have decided on him being a former ace player who got cut from varsity teams due to his injury holding him back. What type of injury do you think could significantly decrease his ability to play without necessarily crippling him?
edited 4th Feb '13 7:34:36 PM by judasmartel
The Balance Between Boring but Realistic Games and Awesome but Unrealistic Games in Sports StoriesAs You Know, not a lot of people are really into Sports Stories, presumably because if I want to "experience the feeling" first-hand, I might as well watch real games instead of reading stories about these. Also, sports story tropes such as Ragtag Bunch of Misfits, Down to the Last Play and Miracle Rally have been abused to hell and back that people go all "Seen It a Million Times". It may seem like Strictly Formula is the only way to present a sports story, especially those based in real life (see The Mighty Macs), but of course it isn't. However, the problem with the alternative is that I find over-the-top Super Moves (like in Prince of Tennis and Kuroko no Basuke) a cheap way to make a sports story interesting. But as fillerdude pointed out, they are a big deal to people who are not really into that particular sport. But this story element rears its ugly head when somebody who happens to know that particular sport (whether by watching games on TV or by playing the sport itself) reads it and finds it not realistic enough so s/he drops it. Of course, I recognize that some people who do play the sport are capable of forgiving these deviations from reality because it's fiction, and it's not even supposed to resemble reality at all. As stated above, "If I want to know more about the sport, I don't need to read any sports story, I would rather watch actual games or play the sport itself." But what really annoyed me is the mentality above combined with, "Make the moves physics-defying or I won't read it." But what actually makes sports stories sell IMO is inspiration. Most if not all sports stories are written to inspire readers to win the game of Real Life, overcome their own differences and unite with people from different backgrounds and characteristics for a common cause. The only compromise I could think of so far is to make the moves realistic, but give the characters Charles Atlas Superpowers. That means, the moves may seem impossible to do, but it actually is possible, but it requires physical abilities comparable to that of a real life professional athlete. But before you say, "Oh, Kn B did just that!", take for example Kuroko's misdirection and Midorima's full court shot. Kuroko's passes are at the level of an NBA point guard, but it's not really physically possible to literally disappear in front of everyone in the court as advertised in the show. A possible explanation is that opposing players tend to ignore him because he's not a real threat on offense. Out of sight, out of mind. Then Kuroko cuts through the defense by suddenly appearing behind them when they least expect it. So while it's not physically possible to literally disappear in thin air, it IS possible to disappear by making everyone not focus on you. Again, out of sight, out of mind. It could be defeated by focusing solely on that player, so "misdirection" could not work. Of course, that could still leave some other holes on the defense, but it's better than being sneaked at from behind. In the real game, Robert Horry is well known for making clutch shots without anyone but the Genre Savvy expecting it. During the final seconds of a playoff game between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Sacramento Kings, the other players were so absorbed into getting the ball that it landed in his hand just in time for him to make the game-winning shot when they least expect it. Midorima's full court shot... well, not even NBA players could do that! When NBA players do full court shots, they throw it like a baseball instead of shooting it like a regular jump shot! Although, it IS possible for NBA players to make shots from way outside the three-point line like a regular jump shot, just not shots from outside the half-court line. So that ends my discourse. I would like to know what do you think about the balance between making games realistic enough for readers who know the sport and making them interesting for readers who don't.
edited 6th Feb '13 6:44:43 PM by judasmartel