I don't know much about heights, so I have no comment.
As for the Chapter 1 rewrite:
It’s a sunny morning in Seijou Private Academy. Class 1-7 is paying close attention to the teacher as he carefully explains the Mathematics lesson for that day.
A bit too basic. It does its job, but only just.
At the same time, a particularly huge girl is observing carefully how the teacher solves the sample problem, but she’s somehow feeling uncomfortable. It's as if everyone in class is looking through her soul. She stands out too much.
You can shorten this to:
The girl tried to focus on the blackboard, but it was no use. "Th-they're staring at me..."
That summarizes her discomfort. As for the "particularly huge" part, you can show that with the wonderful plot device of "whispering classmates".
Brown hair, black eyes, and shoulder length hair. She actually has a pretty cute face but with her massive body she just looks like a really huge teddy bear.
Don't just dole out her physical profile in one go. You can say all those other things later on: what you want to focus on here is her height
. If you want to say that stuff about hair and eyes and the cute face, you can have one of her friends comfort her later on by pointing out those characteristics.
She responds shyly with her head slightly down. She stands up and stops to see her classmates staring at her like paper sticking to glue. She feels rather embarrased, but in resignment she still went to the blackboard and tried to solve the equation as the teacher requested.
Not "resignment". "Resignation". You can say this line like:
"Y-yes," the girl softly responds, her head slightly down. Reluctantly, she stands up, and immediately felt the eyes of her classmates stick to her like glue. Every step towards the blackboard, weighed down by their stares.
It was an ordinary day for Sakura Minamimoto, but she does have unusual circumstances.
Sakura Minamimoto stands at 183cm (6 feet) at a very young age of 15. The average Japanese woman stands at 158cm (5-foot-2). Her default facial expression shows that she's not very happy about this. Her unusual size made her life uneasy.
People stare at her every morning on her way to school, choosing clothes was very difficult since most of them were made for smaller girls, classmates tease her mercilessly about her size, calling her names like "Giant" or "Amazoness", and the guys are rather scared instead of smitten at her so she's having difficulty finding dates.
As a result, she tends to space out by herself, avoiding social contact whenever possible. But social interaction isn’t really avoidable when you have such a rowdy group as Class 1-7. Of course, they don’t show it off right now because the teacher will get mad and the lesson was rather interesting, if only quite difficult.
This is the infodump I previously talked about. Show, don't tell!
The bell rang, which meant that the Math period is over. So the students gave their usual farewells to the teacher. The class representative proceeds to give the order to her classmates.
Everyone stood up.
“Thank you, sir!”
This is actually okay, but you can cut it down to: "The bell rang; that meant lunch break."
Break time has begun, so everyone went on their way, some went outside to get some food from the High School Department’s famous cafeteria, others stayed inside the classroom and chatted to each other about the latest thing.
Again, does its job, but could use more punch. Why not have her classmates talk about Sakura?
Earlier this morning, she looked around as she walked her way to school, only to see people stare at her like she’s some sort of a strange person. She could only blush and shiver in embarrassment while some of them whisper something to each other as she went. This time, however, she was already used to it that she just walked straight ahead right after this happened, with eyes focused on the road.
It's better to make Sakura sulk, and have her mutter or think, "They were staring at me... just like this morning while walking to school... I mean, I'm used to it but..." yadda yadda.
<flashback about clothing store>
Scrap it. It's irrelevant and you have other ways to get your points across.
Too long. The flashback itself is awkwardly placed.
<flashback about heartwarming incident>
Don't say it's a heartwarming incident.
Show, don't tell!
The content of the flashback itself is okay, but, again, could use more punch.
She turned around to see where the voice came from, only to see two of her female classmates: one is red-haired in twintails, the other has a short, brown hair.
Typo. Furthermore, it can be simply said as "she turned around and saw her friends, Hazuki and Kotori". You can insert their physical appearance here or leave them for later.
"Mmm, yeah. I'm fine, Hazuki, Kotori. Thank you for your concern."
"Ne, ne, Sacchan, let's go to the cafeteria. Food seems to be interesting today.
Sakura stood up and went outside the classroom with both girls.
Purple portion: "let's go eat! The cafeteria food seems to be interesting today."
Red portion: can be omitted. Since Sakura already said yeah, we already know they're heading to the cafeteria. Of course, you can leave it there for color text. Either way works, really.
edited 4th Feb '13 3:19:26 AM by fillerdude