Joke thread

A man walks into a hotel and requests a room at the front desk. The clerk offers "I'll give you a room without a flaw." The visitor replies "Then what will I walk on?"

If you think Django Unchained had a sad ending.....

You just might be a racist

Why was James Arnold Taylor chosen to be the voice of Johnny Test?

He has experience playing poorly made Spongebob ripoffs

One owl says to another owl that he sold two idiots to someone, the other owl replies "two twits to who?"

edited 25th Jan '13 1:10:20 PM by truteal

This one's from a friend's grandfather.

A blind man, an armless man, and a naked man are walking down the street. The first one sees a penny, and the second one picks it up and puts it into the third one's pocket.

If you laugh at this one you have an immature sense of humor

A woman has a dog and for no apparent reason is named Freeshow. One day while the woman is having a bath, her dog sees a cat and chases it outside barking. Fearing that her dog is in trouble, she gets out of the bath without putting on a towel and goes outside and she cries out "Freeshow! Freeshow!"

edited 26th Jan '13 1:23:19 AM by truteal

The reactions I usually get with fencing jokes tend to be rather pointed.

Yeah, they really make you épée for it.

Well, at least it takes the edge off.

They say the invention of the shovel was ground breaking.

Being a whore must suck.

The invention of the fan blew people away.

Sooo original.

Favored by hentai characters, this breakfast dish consists of thin pancakes wrapped around calamari.

Tentacle crêpe

Why can't you hear pterodactyls urinate?

Because their "p" is silent.

What's the Internet's favorite animal?

The lynx.

BA-DUM-TSS.

Well, it is a cat.

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replied, "Sorry, but I cannot serve animals."

The bear becomes rather angry and yelled, "Look, have you any idea what you're dealing with here? If you don't serve me a beer, or so help me, I will her," as he pointed menacingly at a slutty blonde right next to him on the counter. The bartender simply replied, "Sorry, but I still cannot serve animals."

Becoming even angrier with the rejection, the bear made good with his threat and ate the blonde messily. He walked back to the bartender and said, "Okay, now that you can see what I'm capable of, can you give me a beer?"

The bartender shook his head and said, "Sorry, but I cannot serve addicts."

With a mixture of puzzlement and anger, the bear replied, "What the hell?! I haven't even taken any drugs!"

"But you just did," the bartender said. "That was a bar bitch you ate."

Just realized after posting it's been told in page 3. I guess that's what happens when a thread exists for a while...

edited 4th Mar '13 11:01:36 AM by EarlOfSandvich

"Anything too stupid to be said is sung" Voltaire

This explains why Phineas and Ferb and Adventure Time have so many songs

edited 6th Mar '13 4:51:51 PM by truteal

Burn. But what about MLP and Spongebob?

edited 9th Mar '13 1:03:39 PM by PhysicalStamina

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop anytime.

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are out on the golf course one day. They're on the 18th hole and need to hit the golf ball over a water hazard.

Moses tees off first. He does a couple of practice swings, then gives the ball a good whack and sends it flying. The ball sails through the air - right into the water hazard - when suddenly the water parts, the ball bounces off the the now dry ground, and continues on to the green.

Next up is Jesus. He hits the ball with his club, it flies into the pond, but then it bounces off the water and skips all the way across like a stone before landing on the green, closer to the hole than Moses's ball.

Last is the old man. He puts his ball on the tee, does some practice swings, then hits the ball. Like the other guys' balls, it goes straight towards the water hazard - but just before it hits the water, a great big carp jumps out and catches the ball in its mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down and snatches the carp in its talons, carries it off over the golf course, and drops it on the green, where it spits out the golf ball, which rolls into the hole.

Jesus looks over at the old man and says, "Damn it, dad, quit showing off!"

Now, the square root of a negative number can be expressed in terms of i. For example, since the square root of positive 64 is 8, the square root of negative 64 can be defined as 8i. This is called an imaginary number.

Working on those same principles, when you square an imaginary number, like 8i, you get negative 64. And thus, the imaginary number becomes a real number once again.

Logically, then, when we see the equation "square root of negative shit", we can say that "shit's unreal." And then, when we square the square root of negative shit, we can say that "shit just got real."

What do you get when you stick a child in a blender?

Arrested.

As well as Infant spinach.

I thought the answer was Lemonade.

Both are acceptable. But doing what the joke says isn't.

Three Communist laborers find themselves locked up, and ask each other what they're in for.

The first man says, "I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage." The second says "I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage." The third states "I was always exactly on time to work, so I was accused of having a Western watch."

The clone thread reminded me of this one:

It's 20 Minutes into the Future, and as is pretty common by then, a business man gets a clone to help him get more done - attending meetings he can't make it to and taking notes and whatnot. Unfortunately, when his clone arrives, it refuses to do anything he tells it to, and just curses him out whenever he tries to order it around. The company he got it from doesn't do returns, and he feels disposing of it or kicking it out would be a waste of money, so he's just stuck with this lazy, vulgar clone hanging around all day.

One day he sees his clone standing by the plate glass window, seemingly just enjoying the view. He tells it to do some office work, and it responds by flipping him the bird without even looking back. Finally having had enough, the man responds by running up to the clone and pushing it, causing it to plummet ten stories to it's death, all while it's middle finger is still held defiantly in the air. Not long after, there's a knock on the door, and it's the police coming to arrest him.

"But I thought killing a clone didn't count as murder!" he protested to the police officer.

"Oh, you're not being charged with murder", replied the officer, "I'm here to arrest you for making an obscene clone fall"