All Purpose Evangelion Fanfiction Thread

Sounds good to me.

"Please crush me with your heels Esdeath-sama!

Trying to get the chapter done, although still way too short on non-dialogue content.

Already know how the chapter's gonna end, though: after an under-the-breath comment from Asuka that Mari's response to finding out about her job would be asking to try Asuka's plugsuit on, Rei comments that Mari's measurements would be "incompatible with your plugsuit". Asuka, being jealous of girls with larger busts than her, almost asks if Rei is implying something but restrains herself to a more sedate response - except Sekhmet notices the spike in Asuka's heart rate and blood pressure at the topic and picks on Asuka with it in retaliation for Asuka muting her earlier.

Asuka's response is an Atomic F-Bomb on the open radio channel (followed by Yui's reflexive reprimand).

...how do you guys get rid of the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue?

Two quick top-of-my-head tactics that I've liked:

• Pausing to describe a character/room's reaction to what's just been said
• Taking a moment to describe the setting/something interesting happening in the area in which the conversation takes place

edited 18th Sep '16 8:07:33 AM by moberemk

deviantArt | Twitter

I try to take a little effort at the start of a sequence to establish the whereabouts and/or when-abouts of the conversation, and then I also try to describe the characters doing something via body language during the course of discussion.

There's not much explanation to be done about Asuka sitting in the entry plug and receiving exposition interspersed with her professional comments.

Why she's in the plug in the first place? Plug is her "happy place"?

?

Why she's in the plug? Maintenance? After-Action Report? Testing new plugsuit? She just likes being there ("happy place")? Testing new EVA features?

Yeah, there's almost certainly much more to the scene you're talking about than just Asuka sitting in her Eva's plug. If it's some sort of test/maintenance/calibration, then there's the crew overseeing the data feedback from the control room, and possibly making some small talk between themselves or reacting silently to the conversation (e.g. trying to stifle a snicker at a lame/unintended pun, eyerolling at something or the other which results in a brief glare from someone) if there's some waiting time with no need for constant watching (very likely if it's a routine test with no expectations of major problems or crucial data spikes).

edited 18th Sep '16 8:17:42 AM by MarqFJA

Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus.

The chapter begins about half an hour after the end of the last one. The last chapter ended with Asuka getting into her Eva for the first time; this one starts with her having a Let Me Get This Straight... line regarding the Eva running on an illegal power source, which gave me a convenient opportunity to skip most of the exposition she would receive and the audience would already know about.

As it is, 95+% of the chapter is dialogue, even with . The longest non-dialogue part (which I'm about to write) is a mention that Asuka once read one of Kyoko's old books as a child and learned from it the classic id-ego-superego structural model of the human mind, which she gave her own spin to with a child's habits of imaginary people and talking to oneself by parallelizing her decision-making along these lines^note she is a scientist's daughter, after all, and chances are that she inherited more than just her looks. This ended up sticking to the point where she still does it, including in this chapter:

• The "rational part" (the ego) advocates her to shut up, sit down and listen to learn more before making a decision.
• The "survival instinct part" (the superego) advocates her to back the fuck off while she still can because she's way in over her head, what with being a civilian and all.
• The "part of her mind that was undeniably her" (the id) advocates her to act like Asuka does in canon and jump right in at the opportunity to show her stuff because "there's asskicking to be had and competition to overtake".

This thought process is also supposed to show the difference between canon!Asuka and SCE!Asuka. Canon!Asuka would be almost completely controlled by her id, whereas SCE!Asuka still listens to her id but is actually mostly influenced by her ego due to her father's influence.

edited 18th Sep '16 11:03:38 AM by amitakartok

OK, and the particular scene you're having trouble with involves Asuka and someone else talking... who's the other person, and what's the environmental context of the scene (i.e. where each of the characters is "sitting/standing"; Asuka is in her Eva, of course)?

edited 18th Sep '16 12:45:05 PM by MarqFJA

Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus.

For the most part, the exposition is provided by Yui over radio until the Angels come up, at which point Asuka's dad takes over.

Kaworu, Rei and their Evas are also in the line (and Asuka actually asks Kaworu why he's eavesdropping, to which he replies that her dad told him to because he might hear something useful), but they stay quiet for the most part^note Kaworu speaks twice, Rei only once at the end, Lilith once when Sekhmet sasses Adam's Electronic Speech Impediment and Adam not at all.

Well, you could describe things happening on Yui's side. Example: During one pause, Yui spares a glance at a nearby screen's feed then nods to the technician manning it, prompting him/her to begin the next phase of whatever s/he's doing. On another pause, she frowns at another feed and has someone (Maya?) make a note to check on that part of the system for possible errors (whether hardware or software) while being relieved that it's only slightly outside the margin of error (and well away from the margin of OH-CRAP-EMERGENCY-SHUTDOWN-ABORT-ABORT!).

You could also have the narration describe Hyuga or Aoba or even Maya biting their tongue/the inside of their mouth when something surprisingly funny happens in the conversation, like Asuka being a Deadpan Snarker to something Yui said.

edited 18th Sep '16 1:50:47 PM by MarqFJA

Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus.

Well, that's the thing: to Asuka, everyone's audio-only. She can't see them, only hear them.

Are you restricted somehow to Asuka's viewpoint? IIRC this story isn't constrained to a single perspective character so you can get away with jumping the camera around a little.

Or, hell, just axe it. If a scene's just not working for whatever reason, maybe it's worth breaking it down to its intended goals and seeing if there's another way to reach the same conclusion.

deviantArt | Twitter

Or, maybe, by having MiniSuka as conversation commentator (with some incidents including Hermit!Suka get strangled by Idol!Suka, with her being strangled by Proper!Suka. And many other things, including Hermit!Suka decides to become total NEET, only to relents after Proper!Suka gave her some peptalk, while still strangling Idol!Suka).

Even if Asuka can't see what's going on with Mission Control, I don't see why that should stop you from describing it to the audience.

If the perspective thing is hanging you up, then how about seeing if it works better in third-person omniscient? (have written a few scenes in Apotheosis like that, and occasionally in other works as well)

Yeah, what Eva said. Treat it like an animated or live-action movie/episode; it's not uncommon to see the "perspective" switch between both sides of a conversation, whether they're in the same room or in distant places. 24 made copious use of this through the signature split screen that showed events happening simultaneously in four separate places at least once per episode.

Basically, the "perspective" you should go for is "omniscient third person" rather than a first-person one where everything is described from the eyes of only one specific character throughout the scene. Otherwise, you will have to make do with Asuka's mind drifting between random thoughts at the same time that she's listening to what is being said to her.

Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus.

Hey Marq, you happen to get around to them P Ms yet? Or are you still tied down by Lilliputian carpet-munchers?

Liliputian lesbians? Do I want to know?

Carpet-muncher is a slang term in my area for "young children".

Curtain-climber would be another one.

Be warned generally it means something else altogether.

edited 19th Sep '16 8:51:51 AM by NapoleonDeCheese

Thank you, Napoleon, for going there; at least I'm not the only one thinking it.