Quotes: The New Tens

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    Live-action TV 

Oh, 'get a job'? 'Just' get a job? Why don't I strap on my Job Helmet and squeeze down into a Job Cannon and fire off into Job Land, where jobs grow on jobbies?!
Charlie Kelly, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia ("The Gang Sells Out")

Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava. In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make some significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? (deafening silence) Of course not. I weep for the future of science; now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out.
Dr. Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory


And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
'How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?'
Bastille, "Pompeii"

    Stand-up comedy 

Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.
Louis C.K., Untitled

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?
Bill Maher

They say the economy is essentially sound because people are considering buying things. That's like saying fat people are healthy because they might exercise.
Robin Williams, Weapons of Self-Destruction

There are fears that Britain could be facing a double-dip recession, or worse still, a double-dip with misery sprinkles and fuck-where's-my-job-sauce.

    Web Original 

People taking selfies with Cybermen? What an appalling comment on today's society (and unfortunately an accurate one).
Joe Ford on Doctor Who, "Death in Heaven"

Millennials, according to some depressing data gathered by Business Insider, have taken it on the chin during the economy's torpor...But all is not well with the baby boomers, either, as the generation of seemingly well-heeled, permissive parents has seen their retirement funds be slowly nibbled away by the banking sector and those profligate southern Europeans with their loose morals and Vespas. Boomer parents are, as a result of being less liquid, finding it tougher to finance their children's seemingly endless bildungsromans. Though some have suggested that parents who cut kids off entirely actually do more harm than good to that child's financial maturation, who wants to keep paying for a twenty-five year-old son's shitty Los Angeles apartment while he works on his HBO series at the local Coffee Bean? Nobody, that's who.

Matt’s a frightening character because of the nonchalant manner with which he discusses blowing his fellow students’ skulls off. Is he joking? Is he for real? Everything’s so fucking ironic these days, with people afraid of getting caught being earnest — an entire generation of walking memes — that neither his ‘accomplice’ nor the audience are sure where he stands, at least until the end.
Stuart Millard on The Dirties

Well we've left behind the 200X's, and we move onto the 20XX's. Maybe that will finally make us feel like we're living in the future, rather than a media controlled slave state where an iPhone is worth substantially more than a human life. Happy new year.

The fiscal cliff looms. Wars rage around the globe. Apple Maps wasn't everything they promised.

Never mind Ben Stein's bullshit about the have-nots hating the haves. I'm perfectly willing to be the haves hating the haves. Perhaps depression is a wholly appropriate consequence. Here we are, cooking the planet, and what do we have to show for it? Who wouldn't be depressed to realize that?

Jon Stewart and Comedy Central brought 200,000 kids together, many who made their first journey to Washington, attended their first political event, who maybe even for the first time met people of the same political leaning, who met other gay kids, other artists, other students drowning in debt, and they got Kid Fucking Rock to sing about NOT doing anything...The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear was like if Martin Luther King graced those stairs and said, 'I had a dream, but it’s not really important to talk about right now. Just know that bad things are happening to black people, but I guess bad things always happen, so never mind. We can’t change anything. Hey, at least we aren’t slaves anymore! Am I right?! NO CHANTING!
Jamie Kilstein and Allison Kilkenny, "The Day Jon Stewart Quit"


You gosh darn millennials, you are the cause of all the issues here today. You aren’t ambitious, but you’re also not trepidatious. Just writing that sentence required me to look up the meaning of the word trepidatious on three different sites just so I could try to figure out what Vince was meaning in his rant. Despite spending this time researching it, I still have no clue...On the plus side, one of them is Mandy Leon.

She’s definitely a millennial.

We talk a lot on this site about how geek culture has taken over the mainstream and I worry that another part of geek culture — the social awkwardness and inability to deal with social settings — is also going to become the norm. We've slowly killed off most of the activities where kids get together with other kids and have fun (and in the process, learn how to interact).

I feel like today’s popular music doesn’t really grapple with the important issues, namely that the world is gonna burn and we’re all gonna fucking die. That’s a message those SELFIENNIALS need to hear in 2015. No more of this self-empowerment business.
Drew Magary, "One Day We'll Be Too Lazy to Watch Football"

Go ahead and add Kim Gordon is talking shit about Courtney Love and Billy Corgan after “Suge Knight is killing people, Missy Elliott is on TV and gas is under $2 a gallon” to your the 90s really are back” joke.

The music industry suffered just like everything else in the Great Recession, and following that there was a not-altogether-unpredictable uptick in pop music that sounded suspiciously generic and interchangeable. The watershed year here is probably 2010, which, while I don’t know the reputation it has in music critic circles now, at the time I remember was most definitely seen as a year defined by heartless, identical, clinically calculated 'party' anthems increasingly desperately clawing at an increasingly vanishingly small and indifferent audience...Social Entropy, for those unaware, is a term used to describe the predilection of all social systems and structures towards inevitable natural decay. One of the telltale signs of Social Entropy is a noticeable trend towards everything becoming predictable and homogeneous to the point all of society and its artifacts are reduced to their lowest common denominators...This is the end point of civilization, where everything is worn down, run down, boiled down and burned out. Sound familiar yet? If not, maybe go re-listen to Flo Rida or The Black Eyed Peas. Pop music is possibly the most entropic of our cultural signifiers, and Miley Cyrus’ concerns about this are simply all over Bangerz, and in particular 'We Can’t Stop'.

Kids today want to identify themselves as zombies, at the same time immerse themselves in paranoid fantasies like The Walking Dead... I believe that it's precisely the defeatism that is so appealing to today's beaten down America. As with all apocalyptic fantasy, people who watch it always imagine themselves as one of the plucky survivors, not one of the poor bastards who gets ripped in two before the station break. The popularity of the series shows that there is no vision out there, no concept of the future. Aside from the crippling inequality that is putting all of us who aren't hedge fund pirates under enormous stress, the dominant intellectual fashion these days is a straining towards utter nihilism.

This current 20-something generation is an American version of Japan’s Lost Generation. So many of us have so many more skill sets and competencies than most previous generations had at our ages. So many of us carry high levels of education at great personal expense in the form of predatory loans. And yet, we’ve been so shut out of even getting the chance to participate in the general economy. There are any number of PhDs and Law School Graduates working retail for not even close to enough wages and despite all of us fucked taking it pretty well and trying our best to make do, we’re assumed to be lazy and incapable entirely because we haven’t magically made good jobs appear out of nowhere (oh hey, wasn’t there something about our holiest of job creators back when democrats pretended to try and attempt to slightly increase taxes on the wealthiest 1%?). And that’s before you factor in the debt and the huge cost of living these days relative to the minimum wage.

So yeah, it’s kind of slightly insultingly disgusting when unqualified hacks who were able to walk into full-time massive salary positions with promotion opportunities back when jobs still existed and worked their ass off since making sure that the door was tightly closed behind them start pontificating on how the younger generation just doesn’t have the 'moxie'.
Cerberus rebuts Washington Post columnist George Will

     Western Animation 
You guys are so talented and imaginative... but you can't work as a team. I'm just a construction worker, but when I have a plan and we were working together, we could build a skyscraper. Now you guys are Master Builders. Just imagine what you could do if you did that! ...You could save the universe!
Emmet, The LEGO Movie