Will: It's not the greatest country in the world, Professor, that's my answer.
Moderator: You're saying-
Moderator: Let's talk about-
[to Sharon] Sharon, the NEA is a loser
. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paycheck, but he gets to hit you with it any time he wants. It doesn't cost money, it costs votes; it costs airtime, column inches. You know why people don't like liberals? Because they lose. If liberals are so fucking
smart, how come they lose so goddamn always?
: [to Lewis] And with a straight face, you're gonna tell students that America's so star-spangled awesome
, that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom. Japan has freedom. The UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, BELGIUM
has freedom. So 207 sovereign states in the world, like a hundred and eighty of them have freedom.
: And yeah, you, sorority girl. Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth, there's some things you should know, and one of them is, there's absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force, and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only 3 categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined. 25 of whom are allies.
Now, none of this is the fault of a 20 year old college student. But you, nonetheless, are without a doubt a member of the worst period generation period ever period
. So when you ask, "What makes us the greatest country in the world?"
I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about! Yosemite?!
: It sure used to be.
We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reasons. We passed laws, struck down laws for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbours, we put our money where our mouths were, and we never beat our chests. We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, we explored the universe, cured diseases, and we cultivated the world's greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. We reached for the stars. Acted like men. We aspired to intelligence, we didn't belittle it, it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election, and we... we didn't scare so easy. We were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed. By great men, men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world any more.''
: [to moderator] Enough?
I got a guy on my staff who got hit in the head with a glass door Thursday. His forehead wouldn’t stop bleeding but he wouldn’t go to a doctor ‘cause I got another guy who got beat up covering Cairo, and the first guy wouldn’t see a doctor until the second guy saw a doctor. I’ve got a producer who ran into a locked door ‘cause he felt responsible for the second guy. I’ve got an 18 -year-old kid risking his life half way around the world and the AP who sent him there hasn’t slept in three days. I’ve got twenty-somethings who care about teachers in Wisconsin. I’ve got a grown woman who has to subtract with her fingers staying up all night trying to learn economics from a Ph.D who could be making twenty times the money three miles downtown. They’re journalists. Come after me all you want, Nina. Come after me everyday. Look through my garbage. Invent things out of thin air. That's what you're paid for. But you touch my staff, and you're walking into a world of hurt. I have an hour on prime time every night and I will rededicate my life to ruining yours. I also want you to send a message up the chain of whatever backroom machinery is driving this and if I so much as smell Leona Lansing's perfume on any of this, I'm going to make a meal out of both of you and I won't stop until I'm done. Look at me.
And see that I'm dead serious.