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Narrator: What happens when 800 of the world's most elite footballers and their managers live together under one roof? Players stop being polite...and start getting Real. This is... The Champions!
Season 1 Taglines
Episode 1
Cristiano Ronaldo: Some say I'm the best in the world.
Ronaldo
Cristiano Ronaldo: I agree with them!
Ronaldo
Cristiano Ronaldo: I agree with them!
Lionel Messi: I'm Lionel Messi. I let my football speak for itself.
Messi
Messi's puppet: I should've played for the Spanish team!
Messi
Messi's puppet: I should've played for the Spanish team!
Mohamed Salah: People said I couldn't carry Egypt.
Salah
Mohamed Salah: They were right.
Salah
Mohamed Salah: They were right.
Episode 2
Paul Pogba: People say I lack focus.
Pogba
Paul Pogba: I say, focus on this! [holds up World Cup trophy]
Pogba
Paul Pogba: I say, focus on this! [holds up World Cup trophy]
Ramos
Sergio Ramos: Rules are made to be broken. So is Mo Salah.
Sergio Ramos: Rules are made to be broken. So is Mo Salah.
Mourinho
Jose Mourinho: I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to make history.
Jose Mourinho: I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to make history.
Bale
Gareth Bale: I'm not here to make friends either. But if I did make a friend, that would be nice, because I'm a bit lonely at Real. At first I thought it was the language barrier thing, but now I speak some Spanish and still nobody sits with me on the bus...
Gareth Bale: I'm not here to make friends either. But if I did make a friend, that would be nice, because I'm a bit lonely at Real. At first I thought it was the language barrier thing, but now I speak some Spanish and still nobody sits with me on the bus...
Episode 3
Jose Mourinho: Man U?
Mourinho
Jose Mourinho: More like Man Me.
Mourinho
Jose Mourinho: More like Man Me.
Jurgen Klopp: I don't dress to impress, I dress to gegenpress!
Producer: Can you tell us something more about yourself, Kevin?
Kevin De Bruyne: De Bruyne.
De Bruyne
Kevin De Bruyne: De Bruyne.
De Bruyne
Mohamed Salah: Remember that amazing goal I scored to win the Puskas?
Salah
Mohamed Salah: Neither do I!
Salah
Mohamed Salah: Neither do I!
Episode 4
Pogba
Paul Pogba: I'm Paul, and I know how to make headlines.
[shaves "SACK JOSE" into his hair]
Paul Pogba: I'm Paul, and I know how to make headlines.
[shaves "SACK JOSE" into his hair]
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: I'm so good, I'm in the MLS and they still put me in this intro.
Zlatan
Zlatan
Antoine Griezmann: Everybody knows I'm at the same level as Messi and Ronaldo.
Antoine
[laughing and snickering can be heard off screen]
Antoine Griezmann: ...why is everybody laughing?
Antoine
[laughing and snickering can be heard off screen]
Antoine Griezmann: ...why is everybody laughing?
Episode 5
Lionel Messi: Football is in my veins.
Messi
Messi's puppet: Also growth hormones!
Messi
Messi's puppet: Also growth hormones!
Mauro Icardi: Forget John Terry...
Icardi
Mauro Icardi: ...I'm the real Mr. Steal Your Girl.
Icardi
Mauro Icardi: ...I'm the real Mr. Steal Your Girl.
Harry Kane: Berd up yer winduws, iz Herry Ken seesen.
Harry Kane
Producer: Could you do that one more time, Harry? Didn't quite catch that.
Harry Kane: Bord up yer windo, is Harykan szn.
Producer: Alright, can we just get an actor in here?
Dan Stevens as: Harry Kane
Dan Stevens!Harry Kane: Board up your windows, it's Harry Kane season!
Harry Kane
Producer: Could you do that one more time, Harry? Didn't quite catch that.
Harry Kane: Bord up yer windo, is Harykan szn.
Producer: Alright, can we just get an actor in here?
Dan Stevens as: Harry Kane
Dan Stevens!Harry Kane: Board up your windows, it's Harry Kane season!
Episode 7
Robert Lewandowski: Bayern is not sleeping.
Lewandowski
Robert Lewandowski: We are just giving other teams in Bundesliga a head start.
Lewandowski
Robert Lewandowski: We are just giving other teams in Bundesliga a head start.
Diego Simeone: I dress in all black...
Simeone
Diego Simeone: ...because every game is a funeral for the other team.
Simeone
Diego Simeone: ...because every game is a funeral for the other team.
Jose Mourinho: Right now, this show is good. People are happy.
Mourinho
Jose Mourinho: But wait until season 3. Things will go very bad.
Mourinho
Jose Mourinho: But wait until season 3. Things will go very bad.
Episode 8
Dembélé
[huffing and puffing can be heard, followed by Ousmane Dembélé hurrying into the shot]
Ousmane Dembélé: Sorry, sorry I'm late. Uh, hello! I'm-
[huffing and puffing can be heard, followed by Ousmane Dembélé hurrying into the shot]
Ousmane Dembélé: Sorry, sorry I'm late. Uh, hello! I'm-
Lionel Messi: I am very happy for Luka that he won the Ballon d'Or.
Messi
Messi's puppet: But mainly that Ronaldo didn't win! HA HA HA!
that he won the Ballon d'Or. Messi
Messi's puppet: But mainly that Ronaldo didn't win! HA HA HA!
Jones
Phil Jones: I'm Phil Jones, and nobody wants to face me!
[the camera zooms in on Jones' now-dimpled face]
Phil Jones: AND NOBODY WANTS ME FACE!
Phil Jones: I'm Phil Jones, and nobody wants to face me!
[the camera zooms in on Jones' now-dimpled face]
Phil Jones: AND NOBODY WANTS ME FACE!
Producer: Robben, can you check your feet? Make sure you're on your mark.
Robben
Arjen Robben: Oh, sure, yeah. [looks down] Wait, I have two of these?!
Robben
Arjen Robben: Oh, sure, yeah. [looks down] Wait, I have two of these?!
2019 Knockout Stage Draw
Game 1
Schalke
Weston McKennie: Yo, I'm so amped for the soccer playoffs!
Vs.
Manchester City
Pep Guardiola: Our fans are so excited for the knockout stage, we will fill out 75% of the stadium!
Game 2
Atletico Madrid
Antoine Griezmann: Watch out for Atletico Madrid. We are like the Uruguay of the Champions League!
Producer: Antoine, you're from France.
Producer: Antoine, you're from France.
Vs.
Cristiano Ronaldo: I have to win a sixth Champions League.
Juventus
Juventus
Cristiano Ronaldo: That way, each of my abs has a trophy. Yours is coming soon, left middle ab!
Game 3
Manchester Utd.
Jose Mourinho: This is everyone else in the knockout stage.
[grabs a nearby rack of water bottles and slams it to the ground]
Jose Mourinho: HA! That's right water, you respect me!
[grabs a nearby rack of water bottles and slams it to the ground
] Jose Mourinho: HA! That's right water, you respect me!
Vs.
Paris Saint-Germain
Edinson Cavani: You better watch out for—
Neymar: [running into the frame] You better watch out for PSG!
Edinson Cavani: PSG!
Both: You better watch out for PSG!
Neymar: [running into the frame] You better watch out for PSG!
Edinson Cavani: PSG!
Both: You better watch out for PSG!
Game 4
Harry Kane: Get your DVDs!
Tottenham
Tottenham
Harry Kane: Get your DVDs! We made it out of the group!
Vs.
Dortmund
Mario Gotze: Oooh, I'm so excited for the knockout stage!
Game 5
Lyon
Feature-less Lyon player: No one wants to draw Lyon. Not even the animators.
Vs.
Gerard Pique: ...we're meant to play together, I'll be there and you'll be near, and that's the draw my dear!
Game 6
Cengiz Ünder: The knockout stage is where is shine...
Roma
Roma
Cengiz Ünder: ...and earn a summer move to Liverpool.
Vs.
Porto
Iker Casillas: My name is Iker Casillas. You benched me, Mourinho. Prepare to die.
Game 7
Ajax
Klaas-Jan Huntelaar: In the knockout stage, there are only the hunted...and the Huntelaars.
Vs.
Real Madrid
Gareth Bale: People think I can't replace Ronaldo, but I'll show them in the knockout stage, and then they'll be my friends. Because Marcelo and Sergio have been going out for dinner after our games, and I've asked them a couple times if I might be able to join, but then they keep leaving without telling me and I'm just like...
Game 8
Liverpool
Jurgen Klopp: We're going back to the finals, and this time we have a proper goalkeeper!
Vs.
Bayern Munich
Thomas Muller: This year, we are winning the Champions League. Well, we better, because we're not winning Bundesliga.
Season 2 Taglines
Episode 1
Diego Costa: I kick shins and knees like they're balls.
Costa
Costa
Diego Costa: I also kick balls like they're balls.
Pulisic
Christian Pulisic: I am so pumped to join Chelsea, because I was in danger of actually winning things at Dortmund, and that would go against everything the US men's national team believes in!
Jurgen Klopp: Everytime we get a bad result, I take a hard look in ze mirror.
Klopp
Klopp
Jurgen Klopp: And I blame the officials, the wind, the cut of the grass, the smells of the stadium...
Zinedine Zidane: And winning is in my jeans.
Episode 2
Ángel Di María: If you need a cross into the box...
Ángel Di María
Ángel Di María
Ángel Di María: ...pray you have an Ángel on your wing.
Mauricio
Mauricio Pochettino: "Money can't buy you silverware"...is what the chairman keeps telling me.
James Rodríguez: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
James
James
James Rodríguez: Hate me because I had a great World Cup 5 years ago...and not much else.
Vinícius Júnior: I'm not the new Ronaldo...
Vinícius Jr.
Vinícius Jr.
Vinícius Júnior: ...I'm the first Vinícius! Oh, except for Vinícius Sr., heh.
Episode 3
Pep Guardiola: Despite recent results, we already got a historic quadruple this season.
Pep
Pep
Pep Guardiola: We were investigated by UEFA, FIFA, the FA and the Premier League!
Dušan Tadić
Dušan Tadić: I followed in the footsteps of the greats...by leaving Southampton.
Ryan Giggs
Ryan Giggs: You think Icardi's a dog? I shagged me brother's missus!
[Record Needle Scratch, followed by the lights turning back on]
Producer: Alright, that's all we need! Thank you for coming in, Mr. Giggs!
[Record Needle Scratch, followed by the lights turning back on]
Producer: Alright, that's all we need! Thank you for coming in, Mr. Giggs!
Episode 4
Alexis Sanchez: I'm one of the best players in the world...
Alexis
Alexis
Alexis Sanchez: ...acoording to my paycheck!
Dybala
Paulo Dybala: People say I will be good in the Premier League...but first I need to be good in Serie A.
Kepa
Producer: Thanks Kepa, but we actually need a Champions League goalkeeper, so uh, could you go ahead and get off the set?
Kepa Arrizabalaga: It was just a cramp! I'm staying! You can't make me go!
[pan to Maurizio Sarri unzipping his track jacket and leaving]
Kepa Arrizabalaga: It was just a cramp! I'm staying! You can't make me go!
[pan to Maurizio Sarri unzipping his track jacket and leaving]
Isco: Isco be alright!
Season 3 Taglines
Episode 1
Coutinho
Philippe Coutinho: And for my next trick, I will make myself reappear... [turns around, his dress shirt changing into a Bayern Munich jersey] ...as a relevant player!
Neymar: Now that the transfer window is over, I can spend more time pursuing my hobbies.
Neymar
Neymar
Neymar: You know, like playing football!
Eriksen
[a cardboard cutout of Christian Eriksen is on the stage, with a crouching person clearly behind it]
Christian Eriksen?: Hi, it's me Christian Eriksen. I love to play football for Tottenham Hotspur, I'm so happy...
[the cutout falls over, revealing Mauricio Pochettino]
Pochettino
Christian Eriksen?: Hi, it's me Christian Eriksen. I love to play football for Tottenham Hotspur, I'm so happy...
[the cutout falls over, revealing Mauricio Pochettino]
Pochettino
Mauricio Pochettino: Oop, no! ...oh, hello!
Guzan
Brad Guzan: Watch out Champions League, it's time for Atlanta to rock your world!
Producer: Uh, it's Atalanta.
Brad Guzan: Aw, s[bleep]t.
to rock your world! Producer: Uh, it's Atalanta
. Brad Guzan: Aw, s[bleep]t.
Episode 2
Edinson Cavani: I am so sick of all the vanity and egos in Paris.
Cavani
Cavani
Edinson Cavani: That is why next season, I'm going to Miami!
Mertens
Dries Mertens: If you come to Napoli, be prepared to get a-pizza me! [bites into a slice of pizza]
De Ligt
Matthijs de Ligt: Ever since I was a young boy, I dreamed of playing for Juv-Piemonte Calcio
Valbuena
Mathieu Valbuena: [over a shot of his forehead] And just remember, don't overlook Olympiacos!
!Episode 3
Christian Pulisic: This Halloween, I dressed up as a real Premier League man.
Pulisic
Pulisic
[Pulisic pulls off his bearskin hat, revealing three footballs stacked under it]
Christian Pulisic: Hat trick-or-treat!
Christian Pulisic: Hat trick-or-treat!
Griezmann
Antoine Griezmann: Ever since coming to Barcelona, it's been difficult to connect with Messi. [holds up a game controller] He's never online!
Bernardo
Bernardo Silva: [typing at his phone] Can you hold on for just one second? I want to send this, it's going to be so funny. Wait, what? Oh no. Oh no. Delete, delete, delete!
Oh no. Oh no. Delete, delete, delete!Episode 4
Fati
Ansu Fati: But I'm the youngest.
Thomas Partey: ...to Thomas!
Kevin De Bruyne: Kevin.
Mourinho
Jose Mourinho: The Special One is back, haha! Hope the Premier League is ready for more... -inho!
Episode 5
Messi
Lionel Messi: I don't call them free kicks...
Messi's puppet: ...I call them free goals!
Messi's puppet: ...I call them free goals!
Haaland
Erling Haaland: It's true that I sleep with all my hat trick balls. I have so many now that I'm worried that I might contract an STD...a sweet transfer deal!
Valverde
Ernesto Valverde: Uh, hello. This was filmed two weeks before the airdate, so uh, could you let me know in the comments if I've been sacked yet? note
Robert Lewandowski: I score hat tricks like it's my job.
Lewandowski
Lewandowski
Producer: Wait, that is your job, though.
Robert Lewandowski: Right, so that is good.
Robert Lewandowski: Right, so that is good.
2020 Knockout Stage Draw
Game 1
Dortmund
Jadon Sancho: I can't wait to visit Europe's best clubs. It'll make picking my next team so much easier.
Vs.
Paris Saint-Germain
Neymar: Rafaela's birthday party is around the same week as the second leg, so I'm so excited to see which type of injury I'm gonna get this year!
Game 2
Real Madrid
Gareth Bale: I'm so excited we qualified for next year. Italy are going to be tough opponents, but...
Producer: Uh Gareth, that is actually for the Champions League, for Real Madrid.
Gareth Bale: [disappointed] Oh...ok, yeah...yes, that's, uh, cool too, I guess.
Producer: Uh Gareth, that is actually for the Champions League, for Real Madrid.
Gareth Bale: [disappointed] Oh...ok, yeah...yes, that's, uh, cool too, I guess.
Vs.
Manchester City
Pep Guardiola: I really want to win the Champions League again because I've only won it twice. TWICE!
Game 3
Atalanta
Papu Gómez: Sorry, I didn't prepare anything. After losing our first three games, I honestly didn't think we'd make it.
Vs.
Valencia
Gabriel Paulista: HA HA! SUCK IT AJAX!
[cut to a disappointed Frenkie de Jong]
[cut to a disappointed Frenkie de Jong]
Game 4
Atletico Madrid
João Félix: Coach has us practicing for the last 16 already. I don't know why I'm doing this...
Vs.
Liverpool
Jurgen Klopp: Ooooh baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooooh, seven is a place on earth! We play for seven, six came first, we'll make seven a place on the earth!
Game 5
Chelsea
Christian Pulisic: Germany, check. London, check. Group stage, check. What else you got for me, Europe? Let's do this, c'mon bring it in the knockouts, let's make it hard!
Vs.
Bayern Munich
Philippe Coutinho: Liverpool won last year, Barca looking good this year...I'm very excited for Bayern's chances when I disappear!
Game 6
Lyon
[the feature-less player shows up again, this time holding up protest signs]
Last year, they wouldn't draw us
So this year, we're going on strike
See you in February
Last year, they wouldn't draw us
So this year, we're going on strike
See you in February
Vs.
Juventus
Cristiano Ronaldo: We're working as hard as we can so next year I can win the Ballon d'O- I mean, next year we can win the Champions League.
Game 7
Tottenham
Jose Mourinho: There will be no repeat of last year. I don't lose finals...the only thing I lose is dressing rooms!
Vs.
RB Leipzig
Julian Nagelsmann: In the knockout stage, Red Bull gives you wins!
Game 8
Napoli
Dries Mertens: We qualified for the last 16 and fired the coach, so if we win the Champions League, we're getting rid of everybody!
, so if we win the Champions League, we're getting rid of everybody!Vs.
Barcelona
[cut to Lionel Messi, surrounded by Antoine Griezmann, Luis Suarez, Ansu Fati and Frenkie de Jong]
Lionel Messi: We're very excited for the first leg of the knockout stage... [the camera zooms in on Messi] ...and this time, for the second leg. [the camera zooms out, revealing the other four players ditched Messi] ...guys?
Lionel Messi: We're very excited for the first leg of the knockout stage... [the camera zooms in on Messi] ...and this time, for the second leg. [the camera zooms out, revealing the other four players ditched Messi] ...guys?
Season 4 Taglines
Episode 1
De Gea
David de Gea: They say form is temporary and class is permanent. I hope they're right because my form has been....hmmmm, not good.
Ciro Immobile: Sometimes, I like to pretend I'm Cinderella.
Immobile
Ciro Immobile: [putting on a golden boot] Ay, it fits!
Ramos
Sergio Ramos: Terrible things are happening at Barcelona right now. Oh, you hate to see it. Me? [puts on a Scary Flashlight Face] I love to see it, heh heh heh heh.
Mauricio Pochettino: Hi, I hope this message finds you well.
Pochettino
Pochettino
Mauricio Pochettino: Just a gentle reminder that I still exist...and would like a job.
Episode 2
Sané
Leroy Sané: I'm so excited to make a big difference at Bayern. Maybe this season we can beat Barca 9-2.
Pogba
Paul Pogba: It took a bribery scandal to get Harry Maguire on the front page. Me? All it took was a haircut. [shows off tabloid]
to get Harry Maguire on the front page. Me? All it took was a haircut. [shows off tabloid]Luis Suarez: I never cheated on my Italian citizenship test.
Producer: Are you reading that off a paper?
Suarez
Luis Suarez: No! [crumples up paper and eats it]
Episode 3
Fernandes
Bruno Fernandes: People say all I do is score penalties. But I also dive to win those penalties.
Sergiño Dest: [waving an American flag] Oh yeah! First American to wear the Barca jersey!
Dest
Dest
Sergiño Dest: [as Konrad de la Fuente holds a smaller flag in the background] America!
Manuel Neuer: You think it's so easy for Bayern to win the league?
Neuer
Neuer
Manuel Neuer: It takes a lot of careful planning to buy all the best players from all the other teams!
David Beckham: When the weather gets colder, it's a good time to reconsider Florida.
Beckham
Beckham
David Beckham: We've got loads of hot spots-[begins coughing and hacking]
Episode 4
De Jong
Frenkie de Jong: Things are really crazy at Barcelona right now, but I'm not one to panic.
Miralem Pjanic: [appearing in the foreground] Hey, did you call me?
Antonio Conte: Every team needs an identity. Mine is...
Conte
Antonio Conte: PREMIER LEAGUE: Where are they now?... Heh heh!
Pep
Pep Guardiola: People keep saying I overthink things but have they considered THAT THEY AREN'T THINKING ABOUT THINGS ENOUGH!?
Thiago
Thiago: (eating a meat pie) Mmm! England is so different from Germany. But at least the food is still bad!
Episode 5
Klopp
Jurgen Klopp: Watch out! Santa Klopp is coming to town!
Harry Kane
Harry Kane: I like my candy canes...hairy.
Ronaldinho
Ronaldinho: Hmmmm...I suppose I should ask Santa for a real passport.
.Cristiano Ronaldo: What gift can you give a man who has it all?
Ronaldo
Ronaldo
Producer: Uh...humility?
Cristiano Ronaldo: Oooh, how much is that? I'll buy a hundred humility!
Cristiano Ronaldo: Oooh, how much is that? I'll buy a hundred humility!
2021 Knockout Stage Draw
Game 1
Mönchengladbach
Matthias Ginter: We don't just have the longest name in the knockout round. We also have the longest odds at winning.
Vs.
Manchester City
Pep Guardiola: [attempts to strategize on a whiteboard before screaming in frustration]
Game 2
Lazio
Ciro Immobile: Champions League knockout round? I like it a lot-zio.
Vs.
Bayern
Thomas Müller: Finally, time for a real challenge!
Game 3
Diego Simeone: Time for chaos!
Atlético Madrid
[Simeone lets out an Evil Laugh, flanked by Diego Costa and Luis Suárez as Marcos Llorente slides across the frame]
]Vs.
Chelsea
Christian Pulisic: Knock knock!
Producer: Who's there?
Christian Pulisic: Orange.
Producer: [sighs] Orange who?
Christian Pulisic: Orange you glad we sold Hazard when we did?
Producer: Christian, this is about the Champions League draw.
Producer: Who's there?
Christian Pulisic: Orange.
Producer: [sighs] Orange who?
Christian Pulisic: Orange you glad we sold Hazard when we did?
Producer: Christian, this is about the Champions League draw.
Game 4
RB Leipzig
Bruno Fernandes: We're ready for the knockouts!
Producer: Wait, can someone get him out of here?
Bruno Fernandes: [dragged away by security] No, no, not the Europa League! Don't make me go baaack!
Producer: Wait, can someone get him out of here?
Bruno Fernandes: [dragged away by security] No, no, not the Europa League! Don't make me go baaack!
Vs.
Liverpool
Jürgen Klopp: The last 16! Shame I'm down to my last 16 players, ha, ha, ha! [his expression turns serious] No, really, it's not a cool situation.
Game 5
Porto
Pepe: Yes, I'm still playing. Yes, I'm still f[bleep]ing [bleep] up.
Vs.
Juventus
Gianluigi Buffon: I am cursed to continue playing at football until we win the Champions League with Juventus!
[camera pans away to Cristiano Ronaldo]
Cristiano Ronaldo: Wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm not cursed too, right? [awkward smile] Ha, ha.
[camera pans away to Cristiano Ronaldo]
Cristiano Ronaldo: Wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm not cursed too, right? [awkward smile] Ha, ha.
Game 6
Barcelona
Lionel Messi: I'm just here so I don't get fined.
Producer: Are you worried about another embarrassing defeat—
Lionel Messi: I'm just here so I don't get fined.
Producer: Are you worried about another embarrassing defeat—
Lionel Messi: I'm just here so I don't get fined.
Vs.
Paris Saint-Germain
Neymar: Yo, I didn't join PSG to play in the Europa League! I came here to win a Ballon d'Or, man!
Game 7
Sevilla
Ivan Rakitic: I mean, yeah, I guess it's nice to be in the knockout round and all, but really we just wanted to win the Europa League again!
Vs.
Dortmund
Producer: Are you excited for the next round?
Erling Haaland: [completely deadpan] Yes.
Producer: What are you most excited about?
Erling Haaland: Next round.
Producer: Can you just do one full sentence, please?
Erling Haaland: I'm excited for the next.
Producer: You know what? F[bleep]k it. Thank you.
Erling Haaland: [completely deadpan] Yes.
Producer: What are you most excited about?
Erling Haaland: Next round.
Producer: Can you just do one full sentence, please?
Erling Haaland: I'm excited for the next.
Producer: You know what? F[bleep]k it. Thank you.
Game 8
Atalanta
Brad Guzan: Can't wait for those knockouts, am I right?
Producer: Brad, for the last time, you play for Atlanta, not Atalanta! They're from Italy!
[beat]
Brad Guzan: Mamma mia!
Producer: Brad, for the last time, you play for Atlanta
, not Atalanta! They're from Italy! [beat]
Brad Guzan: Mamma mia!
Vs.
Real Madrid
Sergio Ramos: Knockouts? Normally, around this time, I get suspended!
Season 5 Taglines
Episode 1
Mourinho
Jose Mourinho: I am a pioneer of football! I was the youngest manager to win the Champions League, and I am the first and only Super League manager to get sacked!
Suarez
Luis Suarez: The best thing about playing for Atletico Madrid...is now I don't even have to pretend to be nice!
Messi
Lionel Messi: I have no idea why people at Barcelona were arrested.
Messi's puppet: You come at the king, you better not miss!
Messi's puppet: You come at the king, you better not miss!
Cristiano Ronaldo: I swear, I would never turn my back on my team.
Ronaldo
Producer: [as a football rolls toward Ronaldo] Hey, look out.
Cristiano Ronaldo: [turns his back to the camera and screams as the ball rolls between his legs]
Cristiano Ronaldo: [turns his back to the camera and screams as the ball rolls between his legs]
Episode 2
Mauricio Pochettino: This isn't my first rodeo.
Pochettino
Mauricio Pochettino: I've lost a Champions League Final before, and I can do it again.
Ramos
Harry Kane
Producer: Harry, would you consider moving to another clu-
Harry Kane: Yes!
Producer: ...Could you elaborate on that a little?
Harry Kane: Pleeeeease!
Ole Gunnar Solskjær: It's always "Ole's at the wheel" and never...
Ole
Ole Gunnar Solskjær: "Ole, how do you feel?"
Episode 3
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: Zlatan is back in the Sweden team.
Zlatan
Zlatan
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: Because it is when people are most desperate that they turn to God.
Cristiano Ronaldo: You know you have accomplished something amazing when Pelé tells you...
Ronaldo
Ronaldo
Cristiano Ronaldo: "No, you didn't."
[Camera zooms out to show Lionel Messi and his puppet]
Lionel Messi's Puppet: Tell me about it!
[Camera zooms out to show Lionel Messi and his puppet]
Lionel Messi's Puppet: Tell me about it!
Gerrard
Steven Gerrard: Lampard as a midfielder was a great rival.
Producer: And, how about as a manager?
[Beat]
Steven Gerrard: Lampard as a midfielder was a great rival.
Producer: And, how about as a manager?
[Beat]
Steven Gerrard: Lampard as a midfielder was a great rival.
Neymar: Me and the ground are tight, yo. Sometimes I'll fall over just to say "hi".
Neymar
Neymar
Neymar: [grunts and falls over, then starts speaking to the ground] Yo, what's good? Where you been?
Episode 4
Tuchel
Thomas Tuchel: I never suck up to the front office...
[puts on a pair of Cool Shades]
Thomas Tuchel: ...because I'm Tuchel for school!
[puts on a pair of Cool Shades]
Thomas Tuchel: ...because I'm Tuchel for school!
Walker
Kyle Walker: I'm not throwing a secret party...[whispers] But if you want to come to a secret party, you know who to ask.
Vinicius Jr.: Benzema doesn't pass me the ball too much.
Vini Jr.
Vini Jr.
Vinicius Jr.: At least he treats me better than he treats Valbuena!
LeBron James
LeBron James: Wow. If these injuries keep up, I might have to play center back.
Episode 5
Lewandowski
Robert Lewandowski: So maybe this year's Ballon d'Or is judged on the past two years combined. And we make it twice as big. Cool?
Pep
Pep Guardiola: Everyone says we keep winning because we have the money to buy any player we want. But we also buy players that we don't want...because we can!
Hansi Flick
Hans-Dieter Flick: [carrying a load of trophies, including a European Cup, Meisterschale, DFB-Pokal, German and UEFA Super Cups and FIFA Club World Cup] Oh! Don't mind me, I'm just cleaning out my desk! Ha ha ha!
Philippe Coutinho: To all the potential buyers out there this summer, I just want to say...
Coutinho
Coutinho
Philippe Coutinho: ...I'm still only 28 and in the prime of my career!
Producer: You really think so?
Philippe Coutinho: Oh, I'm definitely only 28.
Producer: You really think so?
Philippe Coutinho: Oh, I'm definitely only 28.
2022 Knockout Stage Draw
Game 1
RB Salzburg
Producer: What's the best part about being an American playing in Salz—
Brenden Aaronson: The energy drinks! [a Red Bull can is thrown right into his hand, he then drinks from it and smashes it into his forehead] Gah! Aw yeeeeeeeah!
Brenden Aaronson: The energy drinks! [a Red Bull can is thrown right into his hand, he then drinks from it and smashes it into his forehead] Gah! Aw yeeeeeeeah!
Vs.
Bayern Munich
Thomas Müller: I've told my teammates that if we win the Champions League this season, I'll give each of them a sample of my finest horse juice.
[Robert Lewandowski, who is standing by Müller's side, starts gagging before the camera quickly cuts away]
[Robert Lewandowski, who is standing by Müller's side, starts gagging before the camera quickly cuts away]
Game 2
Sporting
Cristiano Ronaldo: [holding an old Sporting shirt with his name and number] Uh, I don't know. Maybe I'll just keep going back to my old teams until one of them turns out to be good. [struggles to put the shirt on] Come on... aaah, you tiny thing... ah!
Vs.
Manchester City
Pep Guardiola: Hear me out, hear me out. What if we played with... [shows his whiteboard, where he has drawn a red cross on the goalkeeper's box] no goalkeeper? [chuckles]
Game 3
Benfica
Nicolás Otamendi: C'mon everybody, let's all laugh at Barcelona! [starts laughing and is quickly joined by Sergio Ramos, Thomas Müller, Jürgen Klopp and Lionel Messi's puppet]
Vs.
Ajax
Sébastien Haller: A few times I've been around this track, and I ain't about to go down like that because... I am the Haller back boy!
Game 4
Chelsea
N'Golo Kanté: They say 70% of the world is covered by water — the rest, by me. Luckily, the melting ice caps will make my job a lot easier.
Vs.
Lille
Producer: Are you excited for the knockout stage?
Jonathan David: Just... a Lille.
Jonathan David: Just... a Lille.
Game 5
Atletico Madrid
Diego Simeone: You had me at the word "knockout". [Evil Laugh]
Vs.
Manchester United
Ole Gunnar Solskjær: I know I was sacked, but Daddy Alex said I could lead the team out as a mascot instead!
Game 6
Villarreal
Unai Emery: Champions League knockouts? And to think I could have taken the Newcastle job instead. [laughs]
Vs.
Juventus
Giorgio Chiellini: Time for another heartbreaking and painful exit. It is the history of the Juventus.
Game 7
Inter Milan
Arturo Vidal: I vowed never to cut this stupid haircut until I win the Champions League. And therefore, I will always have this stupid haircut.
Vs.
Liverpool
Mohamed Salah: If you like Mo Salah, get ready for even mo' Salah.
Game 8
Paris Saint-Germain
Kylian Mbappé, Neymar and Lionel Messi's puppet: It's mom's spaghetti, Champions League ain't ready. This trophy's got our name on it already. Mom's spaghetti.
Neymar: Yo, that was fire, man! [turns to Mbappé and attempts to high-five him, but misses his hand]
Neymar: Yo, that was fire, man! [turns to Mbappé and attempts to high-five him, but misses his hand]
Vs.
Real Madrid
Karim Benzema: If we don't win this year, I'm blackmailing every player in this f[bleep]king league.
Season 6 Taglines
Episode 1
Haaland
Erling Haaland: A lot of things come easy to me. Scoring goals, getting paid... and looking like a Viking had a baby with a Ken doll.
Pogba
Paul Pogba: France is my home, Turin has my heart, and Manchester... is a medium-sized city in the north-west of England.
Pochettino
Mauricio Pochettino: So yeah, my coaching career is on the same trajectory as Dele Alli's playing career. Oh no... I'm going to end up at Everton after Lampard gets sacked!
Romelu Lukaku: Has any other team won the Champions League title, spent 100 million on a striker, and actually gotten worse?
Lukaku
Romelu Lukaku: Pleeeeease say yes.
Episode 2note
Narrator: What happens when 300 of the most SUPER footballers and their managers live together under one roof? Players stop being polite...and start getting PAID! This is...THE SUPER LEAGUE!
Fernandes
Bruno Fernandes: There's only one thing I love more than penalties, and that's... [gulps] playing for the Super League.
Salah
Mohamed Salah: I also love playing for the Super League.
Producer: It didn't sound like you meant that. Say it again.
Mohamed Salah: [sobs]
Producer: Say it. Again.
Mohamed Salah: I just want to play normal football.
Producer: Put him on the bench.
[right on cue, two robot guards appear to carry Salah away]
Mohamed Salah: No... no, not the bench! Noooooo!
Producer: It didn't sound like you meant that. Say it again.
Mohamed Salah: [sobs]
Producer: Say it. Again.
Mohamed Salah: I just want to play normal football.
Producer: Put him on the bench.
[right on cue, two robot guards appear to carry Salah away]
Mohamed Salah: No... no, not the bench! Noooooo!
Florentino Pérez: We did it!
Pérez & The Board
[Pérez is joined by Joel Glazer and Stan Kroenke, who uncork two champagne bottles as the three laugh and cheer together]
Episode 3note
Narrator: What happens when 800 of the world's most elite football players are not football players, because they live in an alternate universe where football doesn't exist? Not much. This is The Randos.
Pep
Pep Guardiola: I have destroyed fine dining! Me. I did it. I made a tasting menu without an entree. I call it The False Main. [beat] OK, it's tapas. I reinvented tapas.
Foden
Phil Foden: Hi, I'm Phil. I'm 21, and I'm from Stockport. Get me in that villa, man!
Producer: I'm sorry, do you think this is Love Island?
Phil Foden: Uhhh, is it not?
Producer: No, it's not even an island.
Phil Foden: Ohhh, crumbs!
Pulisic
Christian Pulisic: Working at Hersheypark's not so bad! Maybe if the Peanut Butter Cup gets hurt, they'll make me starting mascot.
Neymar
Neymar: Yo, thanks for checking out my dating profile! Some facts about me: I'm into Batman cosplay and I work at a dive bar.
Singer: [in place of the typical "I can be a Champion!" line] They're a bunch of random guys!
2022 Final Face-Off
Virgil van Dijk
Virgil van Dijk: Real VARdrid got lucky against PSG, Chelsea and Man City. They're counting on their history to get them through the final. We're counting on the fact that we're just really f[bleep]ing good.
Benzema
Karim Benzema: "This means more." Whatever, all I know is 13 means a lot more than 6.
Virgil van Dijk: I have a message for Karim: [opens a pocket in his shirt and pretends to speak to it] Hello, Karim. Hope you are comfortable in my pocket. You may have scored against us in 2018, but you only won because Sergio Ramos thought he was "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
Karim Benzema: We don't need Sergio Ramos on the squad to kick Mo Salah's ass, we have Casemiro. Hey, Virgil, you'll never walk alone. You'll also never walk out of the Stade de France with a trophy.
Virgil van Dijk: Says the club whose fans walk out of matches early. [blows his nose, then mockingly waves the same handkerchief he used to do it] ¡Adiós, perdedores!
Karim Benzema: Liverpool can't even win their domestic league!
Virgil van Dijk: Big words coming from a domestic league where your biggest competition has more debt than some countries.
[Gareth Bale appears displaying a small banner with the Welsh flag and the text "Baguettes. Eiffel Tower tour. Madrid. In that order."]
Karim Benzema: Ha! You want to talk about competition? The last time we lost the Champions League final was 41 years ago.
Virgil van Dijk: Yeah, to Liverpool. In Paris.
[simultaneous Oh, Crap! reaction from Benzema and Bale]
2023 Knockout Stage Draw
Game 1
Leipzig
Producer: What are your hopes and dreams for this season?
Timo Werner: I really, really, really want Leipzig ah-zig ah!
Timo Werner: I really, really, really want Leipzig ah-zig ah!
Vs.
Erling Haaland: This season, I plan to claim the Champions League trophy and the Iron Throne. [pulls out a sword]
Manchester City
Manchester City
Erling Haaland: That is my birthright as a Targaryen. [stabs three footballs with the sword]
Game 2
Club Brugge
Simon Mignolet: I bet you are all surprised we're doing well this season...yeah, us too!
Vs.
Benfica
Julian Draxler: Forget Paris. Benfica is where it's at, boy.
Producer: Are you just saying that because you never really got into the starting XI at PSG?
Julian Draxler: Psh, no....maybe.
Producer: Are you just saying that because you never really got into the starting XI at PSG?
Julian Draxler: Psh, no....maybe.
Game 3
Liverpool
Jurgen Klopp: I don't have a seven-year itch. It's actually a rash. A bad rash down my back.. [lifts his shirt and starts scratching] ...my right back!
Vs.
Real Madrid
Karim Benzema: I... honestly don't know where I'd put another Champions League trophy at this point.
Game 4
AC Milan
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: I know, I know, I'm still injured. But I'm more of a team mascot than a player at this point anyway.
Vs.
Tottenham
Game 5
Frankfurt
Vs.
Napoli
Khvicha Kvaratskhelia: Who needs Maradona...when you have Kvara-dona?
Game 6
Dortmund
Jude Bellingham: I better get used to playing in the Champions League knockouts...just not with Dortmund though!
Vs.
Chelsea
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang: Well, I never got this far playing for Arsenal.
Producer: Or Barça.
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang: Oh yeah! I did play for Barça!
Producer: Or Barça.
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang: Oh yeah! I did play for Barça!
Game 7
Inter Milan
Romelu Lukaku: Barça spent loads of imaginary money and still couldn't knock us out...and we don't even have imaginary money.
Vs.
Porto
Pepe: No more holding back. This knockout round, I'm actually going to knock someone out.
Game 8
Paris Saint-Germain
Lionel Messi: Knock knock.
Producer: Who's there?
Messi's Puppet: Not Ronaldo! Hahahaha!
Producer: Who's there?
Messi's Puppet: Not Ronaldo! Hahahaha!
Vs.
Bayern Munich
Manuel Neuer: People say we're flat-track bullies because we beat up on teams like Plzen and Barça. Guilty!
The Champions of the World
Narrator: What happens when 800 of the world's most elite football players pause the season halfway through to go to the world's biggest football tournament? Players stop being polite, and start getting heated. This is the Champions... of the World!
Ronaldo & Messi
Cristiano Ronaldo: This is it, Leo. Our last chance to win the World Cup.
Lionel Messi: You mean my last chance to win the World Cup.
Messi's puppet: Yours was in 2018!
Lionel Messi: You mean my last chance to win the World Cup.
Messi's puppet: Yours was in 2018!
Jack Grealish: We're here to put England on top of the map.
Producer: Do you mean 'on the map'? Like on the map of England behind you?
Grealish
Producer: Do you mean 'on the map'? Like on the map of England behind you?
Grealish
Jack Grealish: [turning around to said map] That's England? Is that what a map looks like?
Beckham
Producer: And why are you here?
David Beckham: [carrying two large bags and wearing an 'I love Doha' shirt] I just genuinely love this country and their vibrant football culture.
[the bags burst, revealing lots of money]
David Beckham: [carrying two large bags and wearing an 'I love Doha' shirt] I just genuinely love this country and their vibrant football culture.
[the bags burst, revealing lots of money]
Haaland
Erling Haaland: Hello! I'd just like to take this opportunity to remind everyone about the Champions League!
Season 7 Taglines
Episode 1
Courtois
Thibault Courtois: After facing Manchester City, our players stopped being polite...and started getting Real sad.
Erik ten Hag
Erik ten Hag: Yes, my first season was a great success. We won the double.
Producer: I thought you got only one trophy.
Erik ten Hag: What are you talking about? The League Cup, and getting rid of Ronaldo. That's two!
Producer: I thought you got only one trophy.
Erik ten Hag: What are you talking about? The League Cup, and getting rid of Ronaldo. That's two!
Aubameyang
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang: Oh, now Arsenal qualify for the Champions League?! Ugh!
Pep Guardiola: See, I didn't need Messi to win another Champions League.
Pep
Pep
Pep Guardiola: I just needed 7 years, a billion dollars, the most prolific striker in the world, and zero FFP accountability!
Episode 2
Marco Reus
Marco Reus: At Dortmund, we are innovators. We have found unprecedented ways to totally blow it!
Zlatan
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: Zlatan very much enjoyed the new season of Ted Lasso, especially Zava, who is clearly the central hero of the story.
Pogba
Paul Pogba: Sometimes life is so stressful I wish I could just be my Call of Duty operator and frolic through a warzone without a care in the world. Just me and my best friends Pineapple_Sauce, KeefBlaster420 and anon67024318.
Todd Boehly
Producer: [as Boehly types frantically on his phone] Hey Todd, how do you feel about Chelsea missing the Champions League next year?
Todd Boehly: [putting the phone in his pocket and whipping out his checkbook] Ah shoot, did I forget to pay that? Who do I make the check out to?
Episode 3 note
Kylian Mbappé: (voiceover in place of the usual Opening Narration) What happens when two superstars and a bunch of other players live together in one big boujee crib? Players stop fussin', and start bussin'. This is The Champions: Next Gen.
SAKAnote
Bukayo Saka: I may look adorable and sweet on the outside... but on the inside, I'm humble and modest.
RAFAEL LEÃO
Rafael Leão: Here's the thing about me: I'm good, but I'm not "cancel out all of Milan's other problems" good.
MUDRYK
Mykhailo Mudryk: What was the worst part about my first season at Chelsea? Waking up every day knowing I signed an eight-year contract.
Pedri: (wearing a Xavi mask) Pedri and Gavi are the future of Barcelona.
XAVI
[The camera zooms out to show Pedri and Gavi in a Totem Pole Trench]
Producer: I can see you two.
[Both players fall over, revealing themselves]
Pedri: Whoopsie! [giggles]
Producer: I can see you two.
[Both players fall over, revealing themselves]
Pedri: Whoopsie! [giggles]
[The Title Card zooms in, with "NEXT GEN" appearing under the familiar "The Champions" logo. Instead of the usual Cody William Falkosky version of "I can be your champion", we hear a whispered version of the iconic words.]
Whisper: I can be your champion.
Episode 4
Arteta
Mikel Arteta: Don't worry, everything is going according to my five-phase plan. Phase 3 was getting humiliated by City in the title race, phase 4 is getting humiliated by Bayern in the knockouts next year.
Pulisic
Christian Pulisic: Do I prefer playing for Chelsea or the US men's national team? The national team. Because even though our coach was blackmailed by Gio's parents, fired and then re-interviewed for the job, that's less sloppy than Chelsea.
, that's less sloppy than Chelsea.Conte
Antonio Conte: Some people think I was in the wrong for my rant on the way out of Tottenham, but... did I lie?
, but... did I lie?Wrexham
Rob McElhenney: At this rate, we'll be in the Champions League in no time!
Ryan Reynolds: Yeah, definitely! ...what is the Champions League?
Rob McElhenney: You know, Ryan, I really don't know.
Ryan Reynolds: Yeah, definitely! ...what is the Champions League?
Rob McElhenney: You know, Ryan, I really don't know.
2024 Knockout Stage Draw
Game 1
Porto
Pepe: Believe it or not, I keep in touch with the refs I berate. [pulls a red card out of an envelope] They always send me holiday cards.
Vs.
Arsenal
Mikel Arteta: We are ruthless and we will crush our opponents... just like I crushed Aaron Ramsdale.
Game 2
Napoli
Victor Osimhen: And so begins my farewell tour of Napoli. I call it... Eat, Play, Leave.
Vs.
Barcelona
Xavi: Now that we're back in the knockouts, imagine how much we can sell the Camp Nou grass for!
Game 3
PSG
Kylian Mbappé: Wait for it... wait for it...
Producer: Ugh! Okay, Kylian. What are we waiting for?
Kylian Mbappé: I don't know anymore!
Producer: Ugh! Okay, Kylian. What are we waiting for?
Kylian Mbappé: I don't know anymore!
Vs.
Real Sociedad
Kieran Tierney: It's time for us to stop being polite, and start getting Re-al.
Producer: I think that line is talking about the other Real.
Kieran Tierney: Nahhhh.
Producer: I think that line is talking about the other Real.
Kieran Tierney: Nahhhh.
Game 4
Inter Milan
Lautaro Martínez: Do you feel the chill in the air? That's because... Inter is coming.
Vs.
Atletico Madrid
Antoine Griezmann: Playoffs, baby! ...Wait, I'd better not give UEFA any ideas, they'll make us play best of seven!
Game 5
PSV Eindhoven
Sergiño Dest: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Producer: Uh, it's PSV.
Sergiño Dest: Oh. P-S-V! P-S-V! P-S-V!
Producer: Uh, it's PSV.
Sergiño Dest: Oh. P-S-V! P-S-V! P-S-V!
Vs.
Dortmund
Producer: Why are you so sad? You survived the group of death.
Marco Reus: I'm pre-heartbroken. I'm heartbroken thinking about how heartbroken I'm going to be after more inevitable heartbreak this season.
Marco Reus: I'm pre-heartbroken. I'm heartbroken thinking about how heartbroken I'm going to be after more inevitable heartbreak this season.
Game 6
Lazio
Maurizio Sarri: I don't care who we play, [opens a briefcase full of cigarettes] as long as they have cheap cigarettes.
Vs.
Bayern Munich
Harry Kane: This year, I'm finally going to win a trophy!
Producer: Wow, your German is pretty good already.
Harry Kane: That was in English!
Producer: Do you guys hear his accent? He's, like, nailing it!
Producer: Wow, your German is pretty good already.
Harry Kane: That was in English!
Producer: Do you guys hear his accent? He's, like, nailing it!
Game 7
Copenhagen
Rasmus Højlund: Woohoo! The Højlund brothers are on to the knockouts!
Producer: Um, aren't you the brother that didn't qualify?
Rasmus Højlund: Please take me back!
Producer: Um, aren't you the brother that didn't qualify?
Rasmus Højlund: Please take me back!
Vs.
Manchester City
Pep Guardiola: By the time I'm done here, I'm confident we'll have more trophies than we have Financial Fair Play charges against us!
Game 8
RB Leipzig
Xavi Simons: I'm the best Xavi the Champions League has seen since... yeah, that other really good one.
Vs.
Real Madrid
Jude Bellingham: How much better were we than anyone else in our group? [camera pans out to show Bellingham spreading out his large arms] Thiiiiiiiiiis much!
