"I'm not mean, I'm a thousand years old,
And I just lost track of my moral code"
— Marceline, Adventure Time
"I'm OLD! Gimme, gimme, gimme!"
—Grampa Simpson (upon entering a Social Security office)
"Write this down, Perry. I'm old, and I honestly don't care what people think about anything I do. (farts) That was me, folks."
— Dr Kelso, Scrubs
"Good evening. Today is Wednesday, September the 24th, and this is my last broadcast. Yesterday I announced on this program that I was going to commit public suicide, admittedly an act of madness. Well, I'll tell you what happened: I just ran out of bullshit. I just ran out of bullshit! Am I still on the air?... I don't have anything going for me. I haven't got any kids. And I was married for 33 years of shrill, shrieking fraud. So I don't have any bullshit left. I just ran out of it, you see."
—Howard Beale, Network
"You fucking son of a bitch. I'm dying. There is no time to be sentimental."
— The Commodore, Boardwalk Empire
Boxer Boy: "Were Old!"
Great-Granny Girdle:"And we don't care what anyone think!"
Boxer Boy:*shoves a policeman into water* "Outta my way, Buster Brown!"
Great-Granny Girdle: *whacks a guy with her walker*"Step aside, you bother me!"
"Ahh, you're a couple of fucking broads, work this shit on your own. Need some smokes... Nurse batshit, where's my smokes?"
— Frank Woods, Call of Duty: Black Ops 2
Black Mage: Lady, you've tried every shoe in the store; including the men's and children's shoes, which clearly won't fit.
Old Woman: Don't you tell me what won't fit. I am old and possibily senile.
Black Mage: As you insist on telling me every few minutes.
Old Woman: Now, cobble me up a pair of comfortable shoes or I'll start making unreasonable demands that I have no intention of letting you fulfill.
"Okay, whoa! You donít get a bitch pass just cuz youíre old. Yes, thatís right, I said it. You come in here with your gangster granny attitude and think you can get away with dumping all over the lowly Gypsy waitress. No way. At this diner, we donít discriminate due to age. If youíre gonna act like an ass, Iím gonna treat you like an ass, no matter how close that ass is riding to the floor. Now, Iíll wipe off the table and weíll take it from the top. Hi, Iím Max. Who wants tapioca?"
— Max Black, 2 Broke Girls
"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."
Thorpe: I hope the system of gingerly handling old people like they're retarded is still in place when I'm old, because I'm going to be saying the most racist shit imaginable just to watch people squirm.
Zack: Yeah, if you can live past about 60 you are finally free to just absolutely hate black people in public. Which I think is what we all secretly want.
Thorpe: Actually, at that point the standards of society will change so my opinions actually WILL be really offensive. I'll be like "they really should do something about all these pedophiles having sex with children in the streets," and everyone will blush and get really quiet, and I'll be like "what!?"
Zack: "Fucking manga!"
—"Doctor" David Thorpe and Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons, regular contributors to Something Awful
"Hey, Bud Adams died! Well played, Titans! I'll miss the old man lumbering around and flipping double birds to random passersby.
Of course, being an NFL owner means you automatically get a series of fawning obituaries when you die. Even if you move your team out of Houston and hoodwink some glorified exurb like Nashville into building you a new stadium by jacking up local property taxes, you still get a death notice usually reserved for heads of state. THIS MAN WAS A GIANT OF THE GAME. He served on the NFL's ways and means committee! And he was really rich for a really long time! Way to hang around forever, old person! I swear, this is why many people decide to buy an NFL team. You are treated as a man of great historic impact even if you just sit there and fart in a luxury box for five straight decades."
"If thereís one thing Jessica Lange doesnít have time for, itís everything. But if thereís one thing Jessica Lange REALLY doesnít have time for, itís a peasant trying hard to bring the sexy while posing in a marathon posing session that goes on forever.
While posing for her life, Lea catches the sparkle from a true star out of the corner of her eye and her entire face lights up when Jessica sashays on through. In Leaís head, she thinks Jessica Lange is going to stop, hug her, bow at her feet, tell her how much she loves her voice and ask her to sing a song. Lea gladly sings a song for her biggest fan, Jessica Lange, and after she does Jessica asks her to sing another song and the premiere eventually turns into a giant Lea Michele concert. But that didnít happen. This happened instead...Lea is me and Jessica is all of my exes every time I try to say hi to them in public.
I was going to say that Leaís bronzer mustíve turned pasty white from all the shade Jessica threw at her, but thatís not even shade. Thatís a one hundred percent, beautiful diss. Thatís some 'Oh darling, youíre about as interesting to me as that red stripe in the background' shit. But you know, I am a little jealous of Lea Michele, because itís an honor to get snubbed by Jessica Lange."