"Francine, how can you be so selfish? I'm doing this for me!"''
— Stan Smith, American Dad!, "Lincoln Lover"
"A hypocrite is a person who—but who isn't?"
— Don Marquis (1878-1937), American author and humorist
"Lemme get this straight... you guys wanna permanently separate Pokémon from humans somehow, so that Pokémon will finally be our equals? And in order to do that, you guys attack Pokémon with your own? What is this I don't even—"
— Black, Black Adventures
"Some folks in this world spend their whole time hunting after righteousness, and can't find any time to practice it."
— Josh Billings
Barker: Pardon me, pardon me, President, my sympathies are with no nation. You misunderstand, I think, the modern intellect. [...] We moderns believe in a great cosmopolitan civilisation, one which shall include all the talents of all the absorbed peoples —
Del Fuego: The Seňor will forgive me. May I ask the Seňor how, under ordinary circumstances, he catches a wild horse?
Barker: I never catch a wild horse.
Del Fuego: Precisely, and there ends your absorption of the talents. That is what I complain of your cosmopolitanism. When you say you want all peoples to unite, you really mean that you want all peoples to unite to learn the tricks of your people. If the Bedouin Arab does not know how to read, some English missionary or schoolmaster must be sent to teach him to read, but no one ever says, 'This schoolmaster does not know how to ride on a camel; let us pay a Bedouin to teach him.' You say your civilisation will include all talents. Will it? Do you really mean to say that at the moment when the Esquimaux has learnt to vote for a County Council, you will have learnt to spear a walrus?
— The Napoleon of Notting Hill by G. K. Chesterton
Should a 400 lb man advise us on the evils of over-consumption?
Should the resident of a million-dollar apartment claim to be a poster boy of the working class?
Should a person who thought that Enron was a great investment, that Ralph Nader, Wesley Clark and John Kerry would win, and that North Korea's Kim Jong was changing for the better, advise us on ANYTHING?
Robert: I'll tell you what I've found to be the key to a great marriage.
Raymond: Says the man who married a stripper, then divorced a stripper, then married a regular person, then hung in there for three whole months?
"How is it that we hear the loudest yelps for liberty among the drivers of Negroes?"
"You have a strange sense of nobility, Captain. You'll lay a man out for implying that I'm a whore, but you keep calling me one to my face."
— Inara Serra, Firefly
"What do you call assassins who accuse assassins?"
— Colonel Kurtz, Apocalypse Now
That's the problem with moralizing in a franchise where your only consistent character is a serial torture-murderer. Insurance companies can be shady as shit, but it's hard to make anyone look like the bad guy when they're standing next to someone whose signature is cutting jigsaw pieces out of his victims' skin after he kills them. Even Halliburton looks good compared to that.
Nicholas: Christ forgives. I'm not Christ.
And the sign said "Long-haired freaky people need not apply"
So I tucked my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why
He said "You look like a fine upstanding young man, I think you'll do"
So I took off my hat, I said "Imagine that. Huh! Me workin' for you!"
Signs (1971 song, Five Man Electrical Band)