Quotes / Honest John's Dealership

"He'll give you a thirty-day warranty,
and his handshake is the guarantee
But try to take a car back to his place,
and he'll act like he's never seen your face
Don't try to grab him, he'll get away.
He eats fish like you every day
He's a slick snake in the grass,
you weren't his first, you won't be his last

He's out to sell some used cars,
and it doesn't matter who you think you are
He's got a line for everyone,
He'll treat you like his daughter or son
But wait, don't go for that bait
Too late"
The W's, "Used Car Salesman"

Jon: Honest Ed seems nice enough, Garfield, but there's something about him I don't trust.
Garfield: Maybe it's the fact his office is in a pickup truck with the engine running.

Q. What's the difference between a used-car dealer and a computer salesman?
A. The used-car dealer knows he's lying... and probably knows how to drive.

"Hey there, every peoples! I'm Bubs. I run the concession stand around the way here. I'm a self-made man, I am, I am. I sell hot dogs, chili dogs, slaw dogs, ketchup dogs and mustard dogs. I got drinks, drinks, drinks, candy and snow cones. I can fix everything what needs fixing. Like cars... TVs... marriages. Ooh! I can dance, too. [starts doing the Wave] Shake it once! Shake it twice, a-gimme little bit o' sugar spice! I guess the word that best describes me is: personality. Umm... because I have a good personality. Okay. I gotta get back to work. Come on by! We're always awesome!

"York, why do you turn every conversation into an attempt to sell me something?"
First Folio, Terror Island theorem 048

Dr. Daniels reminded me of one of those men that sell automobiles to people, claiming they were previously owned by a little old lady who only drove it to play bingo, only to discover the car had been used for taxi service in Tijuana, to outrun the border patrol smuggling illegal aliens from San Diego to Los Angeles, and borrowed on weekends to use as the losing entrant in the demolition derby, plus occasional Sunday morning drive-by shootings where the passers' by shot back.
George Green in Paul Robinson's The Gatekeeper: The Gate Contracts

"FUCK YOU, BALTIMORE!
If you're dumb enough to buy a new car this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Big Bill Hell's Cars!
Bad deals! Cars that break down! Thieves!
If you think you're gonna find a bargain at Big Bill's, you can kiss my ass!
It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker, you'll fall for this bullshit. GUARANTEED!
If you find a better deal, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!
You heard us right! SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!
Bring your trade! Bring your title! Bring your wife!
We'll fuck her!
That's right, we'll fuck your wife!
Because at Big Bill Hell's, you're fucked six ways from Sunday!
Take a hike, to Big Bill Hell's!
Home of CHALLENGE PISSING!
That's right, CHALLENGE PISSING!
How does it work? If you can piss six feet in the air straight up, and not get wet, you get no down payment!
Don't wait! Don't delay! Don't fuck with us, or we'll rip your nuts off!
Only at Big Bill Hell's, the only dealer that tells you to fuck off!
Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you write us a check!
And it better not bounce, or you're a dead motherfucker!
Go to Hell! Big Bill Hell's Cars!
Baltimore's filthiest, and exclusive home of the meanest sons-of-bitches in the state of Maryland!
GUARANTEED!"
Commercial for Big Bill Hell's Cars note 

Return to Honest John's Dealership. I'll give you a hand - push from by the door so you can hop in and pop the clutch.
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