"He'll give you a thirty-day warranty,
and his handshake is the guarantee
But try to take a car back to his place,
and he'll act like he's never seen your face
Don't try to grab him, he'll get away.
He eats fish like you every day
He's a slick snake in the grass,
you weren't his first, you won't be his last
He's out to sell some used cars,
and it doesn't matter who you think you are
He's got a line for everyone,
He'll treat you like his daughter or son
But wait, don't go for that bait
Too late"
and his handshake is the guarantee
But try to take a car back to his place,
and he'll act like he's never seen your face
Don't try to grab him, he'll get away.
He eats fish like you every day
He's a slick snake in the grass,
you weren't his first, you won't be his last
He's out to sell some used cars,
and it doesn't matter who you think you are
He's got a line for everyone,
He'll treat you like his daughter or son
But wait, don't go for that bait
Too late"
— The W's, "Used Car Salesman"
Jon: Honest Ed seems nice enough, Garfield, but there's something about him I don't trust.
Garfield: Maybe it's the fact his office is in a pickup truck with the engine running.
Garfield: Maybe it's the fact his office is in a pickup truck with the engine running.
Q. What's the difference between a used-car dealer and a computer salesman?
A. The used-car dealer knows he's lying... and probably knows how to drive.
A. The used-car dealer knows he's lying... and probably knows how to drive.
"Hey there, every peoples! I'm Bubs. I run the concession stand around the way here. I'm a self-made man, I am, I am! I sell hot dogs, chili dogs, slaw dogs, ketchup dogs and mustard dogs. I got drinks, drinks, drinks, candy and snow cones. I can fix everything what needs fixing. Like cars... TVs... marriages. Ooh! I can dance, too. [starts doing the Wave] Shake it once! Shake it twice, a-gimme little bit o' sugar spice! I guess the word that best describes me is: personality. Umm... because I have a good personality. Okay. I gotta get back to work. Come on by! We're always awesome!
— Bubs, Homestar Runner, Bubs' character video
"York, why do you turn every conversation into an attempt to sell me something?"
— First Folio, Terror Island theorem 048
Dr. Daniels reminded me of one of those men that sell automobiles to people, claiming they were previously owned by a little old lady who only drove it to play bingo, only to discover the car had been used for taxi service in Tijuana, to outrun the border patrol smuggling illegal aliens from San Diego to Los Angeles, and borrowed on weekends to use as the losing entrant in the demolition derby, plus occasional Sunday morning drive-by shootings where the passers' by shot back.
— George Green in Paul Robinson's The Gatekeeper: The Gate Contracts
"It's gettin' tougher and tougher to make an honest buck these days!"
— Al G. Swindler, Garfield and Friends
"FUCK YOU, BALTIMORE!
If you're dumb enough to buy a new car this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Big Bill Hell's Cars!
Bad deals! Cars that break down! Thieves!
If you think you're gonna find a bargain at Big Bill's, you can kiss my ass!
It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker, you'll fall for this bullshit! GUARANTEED!
If you find a better deal, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!
You heard us right! SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!
Bring your trade! Bring your title! Bring your wife! We'll fuck her!
That's right, we'll fuck your wife!
Because at Big Bill Hell's, you're fucked six ways from Sunday!
Take a hike, to Big Bill Hell's!
Home of CHALLENGE PISSING!
That's right, CHALLENGE PISSING!
How does it work? If you can piss six feet in the air straight up and not get wet, you get no down payment!
Don't wait! Don't delay! Don't fuck with us, or we'll rip your nuts off!
Only at Big Bill Hell's, the only dealer that tells you to fuck off!
Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you write us a check!
And it better not bounce, or you're a dead motherfucker!
Go to Hell! Big Bill Hell's Cars!
Baltimore's filthiest, and exclusive home of the meanest sons-of-bitches in the state of Maryland!
GUARANTEED!"
If you're dumb enough to buy a new car this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Big Bill Hell's Cars!
Bad deals! Cars that break down! Thieves!
If you think you're gonna find a bargain at Big Bill's, you can kiss my ass!
It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker, you'll fall for this bullshit! GUARANTEED!
If you find a better deal, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!
You heard us right! SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!
Bring your trade! Bring your title! Bring your wife! We'll fuck her!
That's right, we'll fuck your wife!
Because at Big Bill Hell's, you're fucked six ways from Sunday!
Take a hike, to Big Bill Hell's!
Home of CHALLENGE PISSING!
That's right, CHALLENGE PISSING!
How does it work? If you can piss six feet in the air straight up and not get wet, you get no down payment!
Don't wait! Don't delay! Don't fuck with us, or we'll rip your nuts off!
Only at Big Bill Hell's, the only dealer that tells you to fuck off!
Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you write us a check!
And it better not bounce, or you're a dead motherfucker!
Go to Hell! Big Bill Hell's Cars!
Baltimore's filthiest, and exclusive home of the meanest sons-of-bitches in the state of Maryland!
GUARANTEED!"
— Commercial for Big Bill Hell's Cars note
They stopped in Cremone to buy a beast of burden, a pack-animal called Bony – which name was (the salesman, "Honest Anthony", insisted) a wittily ironic reference to his fat girth and good health, "like calling a really large feller called John Little John, you see," he said. Neither Bingo nor the dwarfs saw, but didn't want to reveal their ignorance. None of them had much experience with ponies, and believed the salesman's explanation that the protruding rib-like spars running round this creature's torso were a form of protection against predation, somewhat after the manner of an armadillo. "Ain't Mother Nature a wonderful thing?" he added, as he pocketed their money.
—The Soddit
Jawa sandcrawlers roam the edges of civilization on Tatooine. Emissaries from the family unit seek to barter with moisture farmers, trying to sell reconditioned droids, asking to buy malfunctioning equipment or scrap metal. They usually manage to acquire discarded items for very few credits, which they then fix and sell again, although I understand that humans do not like to deal with Jawas because of their offensive smell. Master tinkerers, Jawas know how to make their wares work just enough that they can sell them, knowing they will be long gone before an item breaks down again.
—Senior Anthropologist Hoole, The Illustrated Star Wars Universe
Of course this horse is healthy, Sir. Weeping sores? I don’t see any... oh that. Those are just flea bites; those will heal quickly. You obviously know horses; I’ll throw in a fresh saddle blanket and saddlebags for this fine animal if you’ll buy him now. I’ve an urgent appointment in another town...
—Horse Coper, Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay: Career Compendium - The Ultimate Career Reference
Boss won't get off your back? Girlfriend won't stop nagging you? Did that fuckstick Tiffany sell you a bullshit dagger that broke almost immediately despite the fact that you spent half your goddamned Col on it?! Have you considered, murder?
—Laughing Coffin Advertisement, Sword Art Online Abridged
Mickey: The deal was you bought it like you sold it. Hey, look, I've helped you as much as I'm going to help you. See that car? Just use it, for you're not welcome any more. You should fuck off while you still got the legs to carry you.
Mickey: Nobody brings a fella the size of you unless they're trying to say something without talking, right?
Tommy: Sorry, Mickey. Just give our money back and you can keep the caravan.
Mickey: Why the fuck do I want a caravan that's got no fucking wheels? (Gorgeous George advances threateningly on him, so he gets up out of his armchair) You want to settle this with a fight?
—Snatch. Just so you know, they don't get their money back via the fight either. The Honest John is also a Genius Bruiser.
This Navigator does not have the original wheels. But it does have sort of different, special wheels that were almost surely installed in the period, probably by the original Lincoln dealer who told their customers "Oh yeah, these are nicer, fancier wheels, and oh by the way they're two-thousand dollars extra".
—Doug DeMuro, The 1998 Lincoln Navigator Was the First Big Luxury SUV
Crazy Vaclav: She'll do 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene.
Homer: [fiddling with Cyrillic gear display] What country is this car from?
Vaclav: It...no longer exists.
Homer: [fiddling with Cyrillic gear display] What country is this car from?
Vaclav: It...no longer exists.
— The Simpsons, "Mr. Plow"
HEAR THOSE [Balloons]??? YOU ARE [1000th Customer]!!. AS A [Commemorative Ring] I WILL LET YOU BUY [KeyGen] FROM ME AT [The Low Low Price Of] WHAT DO YOU THINK!?!? IT'S SUCH A STEAL, I'M [$!X$]ING MYSELF!!! TAKE THIS DEAL AND YOU WILL [[Die]]!! IT'S THAT GOOD!!!
— Spamton, Deltarune
Hey, I'm Captain Honestbeard. Everything I sell here has been obtained through 100% legitimate means. Nothing shady goes on here at all. Take a look around and see if there's anything you'd like.
—Captain Honestbeard, Ocean's Heart
My name is Rob U. Blind, traveling salesman!
"See this junker? I paid a hundred dollars for her. She's got a hundred and twenty thousand thousand miles on her. Transmission shot. Bumpers are fallin' off. What do I do with her? Hm? I sell her!"
—Harry Wormwood, Matilda
"You know, there are other general store owners that might try to schiest a newbie like you with some fast-talkin' to turn a quick buck but I like you, so lemme tell you what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna give you one wagon for the price of two, not a penny less, and for an extra fifty bucks, I'm gonna throw in an ox, for free."
— General Store Owner, The Trail to Oregon!
Return to Honest John's Dealership. I'll give you a hand - push from by the door so you can hop in and pop the clutch.
