Quotes / Honest John's Dealership

"He'll give you a thirty-day warranty,
and his handshake is the guarantee
But try to take a car back to his place,
and he'll act like he's never seen your face
Don't try to grab him, he'll get away.
He eats fish like you every day
He's a slick snake in the grass,
you weren't his first, you won't be his last

He's out to sell some used cars,
and it doesn't matter who you think you are
He's got a line for everyone,
He'll treat you like his daughter or son
But wait, don't go for that bait
Too late"
The W's, "Used Car Salesman"

"We salesmen can sell a storm
We'll sell ya blankets when you're warm
And if you're really really warm
We'll sell ya two
We've got that charm"
Sparks, "Occupation"

"These are people who can imbue their conversation voice with a high-frequency sequence of clicks that Morse-codes your credit card into signing up for the extended warranty; you're the kind of person who screws up your taxes because you can't remember if you're supposed to count yourself as a dependent. These are people who could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves; you're a man who recognizes that as a reference to Tommy Boy. The game is over before you even realize it's afoot, you fucking half-stack."

"Even as he told The Guardian he wouldn't talk to the press anymore, it was suggested he talked to other outlets. And who even believes it? He'll be back. He always comes back. And if he told me the sky was blue, I'd look out the window to fucking double-check."
Jim Sterling on "The Molyneux Cycle"

"That smile. That oily, drippy, disingenuous smile. It's the kind of smile that lets you know Isiah just got back from grabbing your wife's ass."
Drew Magary on Isiah Thomas, "The 25 Biggest Sleazebags in Sports!"

Jon: Honest Ed seems nice enough, Garfield, but there's something about him I don't trust.
Garfield: Maybe it's the fact his office is in a pickup truck with the engine running.

Q. What's the difference between a used-car dealer and a computer salesman?
A. The used-car dealer knows he's lying... and probably knows how to drive.

"This one was owned by Carlos the Diamond Smuggler. It corners well, but the gas mileage is bad — almost as if it has weights hidden in the floorboards."
Dogbert, Dilbert

"Hey there, every peoples! I'm Bubs. I run the concession stand around the way here. I'm a self-made man, I am, I am. I sell hot dogs, chili dogs, slaw dogs, ketchup dogs and mustard dogs. I got drinks, drinks, drinks, candy and snow cones. I can fix everything what needs fixing. Like cars... TVs... marriages. Ooh! I can dance, too. [starts doing the Wave] Shake it once! Shake it twice, a-gimme little bit o' sugar spice! I guess the word that best describes me is: personality. Umm... because I have a good personality. Okay. I gotta get back to work. Come on by! We're always awesome!

"York, why do you turn every conversation into an attempt to sell me something?"
First Folio, Terror Island theorem 048

Dr. Daniels reminded me of one of those men that sell automobiles to people, claiming they were previously owned by a little old lady who only drove it to play bingo, only to discover the car had been used for taxi service in Tijuana, to outrun the border patrol smuggling illegal aliens from San Diego to Los Angeles, and borrowed on weekends to use as the losing entrant in the demolition derby, plus occasional Sunday morning drive-by shootings where the passers' by shot back.
George Green in Paul Robinson's The Gatekeeper: The Gate Contracts

If you're dumb enough to buy a new car this weekend, you're a big enough shmuck to come to Big Bill Hell's Cars!
Bad deals! Cars that break down! Thieves!
If you think you're gonna find a bargain at Big Bill's, you can KISS MY ASS!

Return to Honest John's Dealership. I'll give you a hand - push from by the door so you can hop in and pop the clutch.