Quotes / False Reassurance

"When the test is over, you will be... missed!"

"We've both said a lot of things you're going to regret."

Troy McLure: Come on, Billy! Let's go to the killing floor.
Billy: *gasps*
Troy: Don't let the name fool you, Billy. It's not really a floor.

"I am 100% certain you're returning from this battle, Travis. ...In a body bag."
Sylvia before the Shinobu Boss Fight, No More Heroes

"All experiments are guaranteed to be 100% Not-Entirely Lethal."
Penny Crygor, WarioWare

Pam: You've smoked an amount of crack that will probably kill you in about 30 minutes.
Jason: I just smoked crack?!
Pam: Yea, but just like, A LOT!

"Cyril, come on! Worst case scenario, [Lana's] cover got blown and Skorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her battered corpse into fish food."
Sterling Archer

EV-9D9: How many languages do you speak?
C-3PO: I am fluent in over six million forms of communication...
EV-9D9: Splendid! We have been without an interpreter since our master got angry with our last protocol droid and disintegrated him.

Ray: Try to think about something else...like how there's no sink in there.
Archer: So what if there's no...oh my God! THERE'S NO SINK!!!

Amy: Okay. so we've basically run up the inside of a chimney, yeah? So what if the gravity fails?
Doctor: I've thought about that.
Amy: And?
Doctor: We'll all plunge to our deaths. See? I've thought about it.

Larry: Yea, but the Emir of Shmow is a cutthroat. Suppose he cuts my throat?
Moe: So, it'll look like you have two mouths.

Yes, I have heard [the children] crying late at night, and I have thought about them —
I have heard them playing and laughing outside my window while I was trying to sleep and I have thought about them —
I have seen the pictures they have drawn on my car and I have thought and thought and thought about them.
And so this book —
To help all my little friends get all the things in life they so richly deserve.

Thief: Just be careful with this thing. I've stuffed more riches in there than actually exists.
Red Mage: They'll be preserved, I assure you.
Thief: What an odd statement. Yet my concerns are put to rest by it.

Pedophile Priest: Please! Y-You must understand! I am just a man! A-A-A-A man is just but a speck in the eyes of the Lord! I am weak!
Maxwell: Oh, do not worry, Father. I assure you, God is forgiving.
Priest: Really? Oh, praise be to— (Heinkel comes behind him and puts a gun to his head)
Maxwell: Just make sure to ask him when you get there.

"I'm willing to offer you positions in my new world order!" (away from microphone) "Asmyslaves."
Voldemort, A Very Potter Musical

"I assure you, a violent death is the last thing that will happen to you."
Mr. Teatime, Hogfather

"Satan is our only hope. We're working with the beast now. And we've got to make a really big impression on him. And to do that, we're going to have to butcher you. And bleed you. And then Dirk here is gonna wear your face. [Beat, as Dirk gives him a look] Relax, I'm kidding about the face thing. The rest is gonna happen."
Nikolai, Jennifer's Body

Supergirl: So what are you going to do now that I know? Kill me?
Lex Luthor: Oh, no I'd never do that... [The Joker] will.

Did you see what I did to get this? I'm already pretty far gone.
Silver Quill, addressing concerns that the Alicorn Amulet will corrupt him, in his "Trade Ya!" review.