Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do, we do!
Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do, we do!
...And remember, people, it's not whether you win or lose — because we are all
going to lose in every possible category.
We'd like to thank Jethro Tull
for not putting out an album this year.
And the winner is...me. I have never received nuthin'. Y'all ain't never given me no Grammy. And I have been singin' for years
! I am the architect of rock n' roll
, you ain't never given me nuthin'! And I am
the originator, and I still say WOOOOOO!! (receives standing ovation)
And the winner is...still me.
It was crazy. We saw our audience get bigger and bigger, and then come the SAG awards, the Emmy Awards, the Golden Globes—nothing. We were like, 'Well, what the fuck is going on?' And David Simon, he was so cool. He was like 'Fuck the awards, I’m not about that. I’m about telling a good story
.' He was on interviews, like, 'We don’t need that.' And some of us, in the back of our heads, were like, 'Yo, stop sayin’ we!
— Andre Royo
on the Emmy snubs inflicted on The Wire
Once upon a time, the highest American distinction that could befall fifty-two men and women in a given year was to have one's face on the cover of Time
magazine. Even Auden
was thrilled when he heard that he was the subject of a cover story, and deeply hurt when it was cancelled because the managing editor, nodding beneath his flat rock, had been told that Auden was a fag
and no fag could ever be so honored. This changed in time, but too late for Auden.
Someday, Steven Spielberg
will win his Oscar. This year he was rebuked and snubbed, and so Hollywood will provide the happy ending and give him an Oscar two or three years from now, and people will explain that it is 'really' for The Color Purple.
That's the way the Oscar game has always been played.
For those of you who are keeping score at home, I just want to make something very clear: Martin Scorsese
, zero Oscars. Three 6 Mafia, one
In any correctly balanced world, (Kirsten) Dunst
would stride away with the Oscar while throwing up her arms like a Maury
guest in a 'Whut? Whut? Ya’ll know I’m all that…' but Streep did Thatcher
, so that’s probably not happening.
Julianne is apparently the frontrunner for the Best Actress Oscar for Still Alice
, but I’m not about to get my hopes up. Julianne should’ve won for Safe
and I screamed 'ROBBED!
' when she wasn’t even nominated. Julianne should’ve won for Boogie Nights
and I screamed 'ROBBED!
' when she didn’t win. Julianne should’ve won for Magnolia
and I still have scars on my tonsils from the sores I got while screaming 'ROBBED! ROBBED! CALL THE POLICE!
' after she was not nominated. Her 'I sucked other men’s cocks' scene was a revelation. So I’m already spraying WD-40 down my throat, because I fully expect to scream 'ROBBED!
' again next year when she loses to Jennifer Aniston
who will win for not wearing makeup.
DEVASTATING! IN TEARS! Someone is really crying about the fucking Oscar nominations! Now, I am a white dude (this may shock you), and so I am the supposed beneficiary of all this white-male empty-award-show privilege. (Yay, me!) In fact, I'm disappointed Snowpiercer
didn't get nominated for anything, because that movie is literally white all over...These awards are deeply meaningless. The only reason people in Hollywood give a shit about them is because a) money and b) everyone wants to puff up each other's resume, which means over-inflating the value of an award so that all your colleagues and all the LITTLE PEOPLE you work with (FX artists, costumers, etc.) get their little moment of recognition. Oh, how they crave recognition
. As if the sound-effects industry would wither and die if they didn't hand out one forgettable award on national TV every March.
If you're relying on the Oscars to be an accurate barometer of progress—hell, if you're just hoping they dish out awards to movies that aren't fucking terrible—you better be ready for a lot of disappointment in life.
, "Oscar Nominations Won't Solve a Fucking Thing"
The Hollywood Walk of Fame is an iconic symbol of entertainment history. Of course, like any other hall of fame, it's also a total sham...would you believe the Backstreet Boys
have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Sure you would; they sold a shit-ton of records and had a huge impact on the direction of popular radio in their day. You know who doesn't have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? That's right, *NSYNC
. That's like only giving Pepsi a star on the soda walk of fame. This imbalance alone is enough to completely destroy any facade of credibility the Hollywood Walk of Fame could ever hope to keep up.
So, the Grammy
s are a joke. They've always been a joke. Me being so obvious as to point out that the Grammys are joke makes me
kind of a joke. No one on earth sees a Grammy as any
indicator of quality... And nowhere does the Grammys seem to get it wrong more often than the 'Best New Artist
' Grammy, which all to often seems to go to flameouts, flash-in-the-pans, and all-around footnotes in music history. It's the Madden Curse