"Either that kid has a lightbulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea."Either you're hallucinating after eating too much radioactive pizza last night, or you're reading a trope page about rhetorical comparisons like this one. Sometimes, as a means of humour, or simply to argue for one possibility through ridicule of all possible alternatives, someone will frame a description or explanation as "either it was X highly unlikely set of circumstances, or it was Y straightforward apparent conclusion." (The X and Y can be reversed instead.) Often associated with Deadpan Snarkers and/or First Person Smartasses. Most often "Y straightforward apparent conclusion" is obviously the truth and the dichotomy is employed as means of snark or lampshading. However on occasion, this trope will be subverted to comic effect when the more bizarre conclusion turns out to be precisely correct instead, perhaps sometimes as An Aesop about not being too sure of yourself about what is possible and what is not. If the characters decide that the mundane explanation is actually less plausible, it may be an Impossibly Mundane Explanation. Sometimes also overlaps with False Dichotomy, when the ludicrous explanation isn't really the only alternative to the implied one. Talks Like a Simile is related. See also Occam's Razor. Either World Domination or Something about Bananas is a subtrope.
- George Carlin suggested something like this as a way to "wake people up": When someone asks you what time it is, you look at your watch and say, "Either it's 8:15 or Mickey has a hard-on!"
- Apart from the Calvin and Hobbes page image, another Calvin and Hobbes example would be Calvin saying "either mom's cooking dinner or someone got sick in the furnace duct."
- In "The Dilbert Principle", Scott Adams describes the two possible results of a career in engineering:
Risk: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. Reward: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
- At the end of a Dilbert arc, Dilbert wonders why he's sitting naked in a trash can, and Dogbert explains, "Either you were killed by wild deer and we cloned you back to life from your old garbage... or... you saved a lot of money on an aboveground pool."
- David Ramirez's prize-winning short comic, "My Little Tomoka", is protagonized by a girl who was, accidentally, named Noo. So, when her mother calls her yelling...
Mother: NOO!Noo: Has my mother just found my father's corpse inside of the microwave, or she is calling me for supper.
- In the Pearls Before Swine treasury "Pearls Freaks The #%*# Out", one strip taking place in a supermarket had about three box-things lying on a shelf in the background. Pastis comments "Either the store had a huge run on that particular item, or a cartoonist I know got tired of drawing them.".
- A Buckles strip from 5-29-13 had this:
Buckles: Either I'm a bad liar, or Paul knows what TV shows the plant really watches.
- In Finding Nemo, when Dory is translating whale speech: "Okay, he either said, 'move to the back of the throat,' or he 'wants a root beer float'."
- "Did that just say "Grand Central Station", or "my aunt's constipation?""
- Groucho Marx in A Day at the Races:
- "Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
- In Animorphs, Aximili ("Ax") says one time, while in flea morph, "He's welcoming the Visser back aboard the Blade ship. Or he may be telling him his brother is a meteor fragment. I understand Galard, but this morph's hearing is very uncertain."
- In the Mad Magazine parody for Charlie's Angels, the angels are given "costumes" to wear, namely skimpy bikinis. One of them quips:
"Do we put these on our bodies, or do we paste them on an envelope?"
- In Angel, with Lorne translating for some demons...
"Either they're going to talk to their prince, or they're going to go and eat a cheesemonkey."
- From House, where House talks about the iPhone:
Either that costs more than 25 bucks, or I'm seriously starting to doubt Steve Jobs' business strategy.
- Penn & Teller: Bullshit! used this in the college episode in response to a college rally organizer who told a counter-protester to move away from the crowd.
There's 300 of them, and 1 of us, and he's worried about their safety? He's either a pussy, or he thinks he recognizes Erin from Drunken Master 2.
- The page quotation from Scrubs, of course.
- Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Dax does this to Sisko when translating some ancient Bajoran.
Dax: "During The Reckoning, the Bajorans will either suffer horribly or eat fruit."Sisko: "Eat fruit?"Dax: "Given the tone of the rest of the inscription, I would bet on the horrible suffering."
- From the Tom Baker-era Doctor Who arc "The Deadly Assassin":
Doctor: Engin, I can feel my hair curling, and that means either it's going to rain or else I'm on to something.
- Pakistani women's rights activist Shahnaz Bukharihas on bride burning:
Either Pakistan is home to possessed stoves which burn only young housewives, and are particularly fond of genitalia, or (...) there is a grim pattern that these women are victims of deliberate murder.
- In Knights of the Old Republic, if you ask HK-47 for help understanding a Jawa, he says, "Translation: 98% probability that members of the miniature organic's tribe are being held by Sand People, master. Doubtless he wishes assistance." When asked about the other two percent, he adds, "Translation: 2% probability that the miniature organic is simply looking for trouble and needs to be blasted. That may be wishful thinking on my part, master."
- At the end of Quest for Glory IV, the hero is surrounded by the thankful people of the land after (like the past three games) completing yet another heroic quest. Cue Erasmus and Fenrus taking that moment to scry on the hero, with Fenrus commenting that "It's either an award ceremony or a lynch mob."
- In Guild Wars 2, while looking for an infiltrator who is apparently stealing people's uniforms and able to paralyze with a touch, Rhytlock comments
"More dazed soldiers staggering around in their skivvies. Either we're on the right track or we missed the best party ever."
- In Tales of Graces, a Traveling Beastmaster concludes from Sophie's acrobatic tricks that she's either from the circus, or she's an assassin.
- Subverted in an Order of the Stick strip, when Roy (as a spirit in the Afterlife Antechamber) attempts one after his father hands him copies of Frankenstein, I, Robot, Promethean: The Created and Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Your Dead Body Being Used To Make A Bone Golem (But Were Afraid To Ask) to "help [him] come to terms with the bad news".
Roy: Either you're trying to tell me that my body was used to make a golem, or... actually, I can't think of any other possible interpretation.
- Parodied in Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal — a scientist tells a reporter "Either we had a slight measuring error, or all of science is wrong." Again, she says this to a reporter, a profession notorious for misleading attention-grabbing science headlines. You can probably guess the result.
- Shittiest Editorial Cartoon uses this from time to time.
- Cracked does this in one of their articles on video game fan theories, referring to a line in The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask about Clock Town losing tourism.
"It's either the looming death planet, or the snow cone stand ran out of cherry again."
- Garfield and Friends episode, "Wonderful World":
Garfield: Either Jon's home or somebody put a VCR in the garbage disposal.
- Phineas and Ferb:
Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. The entire Tri-State Area is becoming riddled with holes. Also, numerous light beams have been shot from Doofenshmirtz's building. Either he's having some sort of a rave, or he's the one behind all those holes.
- "Ask A Foolish Question":
Major Monogram: Morning, Agent P. We've recently found surveillance footage of Doofenshmirtz buying fresh produce. We've concluded that there are two possibilities: either he's up to something sinister that is food-related, or he's cooking dinner because he's got a beautiful woman coming over and he wants to imp... Never mind, it's obviously the first thing.
- "Meatloaf Surprise":
Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz is on the move. We tracked him to these coordinates when we suddenly lost his signal. We have two scenarios to explain his disappearance. First, that magical elves have caused Dr. Doofenshmirtz to vanish to the land of angry corn people. The second, is that he may be on his secret, hideout-shaped island with the initial "D" carved into it that satellites found in the exact, spot, where he... vanished... uh, you know what? Uh, forget the magical elves thing. Way off base with that.
- "One Good Scare Ought to Do It!":
- From The Simpsons, when Homer stands in front of a lighthouse, causing his silhouette to be projected onto the clouds... *
Bart: Hey look! Is that Dad?Lisa: Either that or Batman's really let himself go.
- From Duckman:
"Either you're babbling, or you just said in Cherokee that my scrotum is many colored."