- Mexican on the loose! Fire the damn lasers! Throw the Amerigators!Sheriff: "Hold your fire, don't shoot more gators! Stop! That's a raccoon, Early."Early: "A Mexican raccoon, come to steal American raccoon jobs?"Sheriff: "I think he's just trying to get a nut Early—"Early: "FIRE THE DAMN LASERS!"
- Early's anti-bullying segment during the credits of "Class of '86". Namely on what to do when you're being bullied: "Don't be such a pussy, pussy. You're a damn pussy."
- Early desperately trying to get a threeway with Krystal and her cousin.Krystal's Cousin: "No three-way, no way, no how!"
- From the beginning of the episode, his misunderstanding of what Krystal means when she's with her cousin.
Early: Gah! Is there anythin ye won't bang? - This bigoted little gem from "Ga-Ga-Ghost"Granny: (talking about a comatose Early) "He said, 'Pull the plug please, living a life like a fruit, ain't no life at all.' "Rusty: "It's vegetable, Granny."Granny: "Yeah, those people should die too."
- Early meets the Early of an Alternate Universe.Early: "He was th'only one who ever truly unnerstood me. Kid Rock, too. Cept that damn midget wouldn' let me near em!"
- Early's comments on the smell of a hippie orgy.Early: "Smells like somebody took a huge dump on a big pile of crap and soaked the whole thing in a jug of week-old farts and lit the whole caboodle on fire."Rusty: "Just like you did on the last Fourth o'July, daddy!"Early: "Damn right I did. I support the troops!"Granny: "And all the spectral colors were represented...cept for cyan."Early: (pulls knife on granny) "Cyan was represented!"Granny: (slaps knife away) "Cyan was not represented!"Early: (pulls shotgun) "Mutha(shotgun cock) was full o'cyan! I put it in myself!"Granny: "Cyan...may have been...represented."Early: (lowers shotgun) "I'm glad you noticed, Granny."Granny: "I'm just saying I didn't see any—" BLAM!Early: "Cyan was represented!"
- Early's Paul Stanley GPS, actually voiced by Paul Stanley himself.Paul Stanley GPS: Aaaah Wahoooo! I'm gonna take you to Detroit Rock City, avoiding all toll roads, WOO! Calculating!(Beat, cut to Early, Rusty and Granny walking through the forest at night)Paul Stanley GPS: It's 500 yards to the motorway!(Beat)Paul Stanley GPS: Are you ready to turn right!?(Beat)Paul Stanley GPS: (Singing) In 300 yards, MAKE A RIGHT!! You're almost there, baby!(William's Street Skull Logo appears)Paul Stanley GPS: SKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULL!
- Early being forced to marry a bear in a deluded stance against gay marriage. Even he realizes the entire situation may have gone off the rails, possibly the first time Early's admitted to flat-out giving up on an issue.
- Granny's choking fit in "Webnecks." Few people sound as hilarious having massive choking fits than Dana Snyder.
- Granny explaining how God created the Earth.Granny: "He made trees..."(Trees begin growing on the mountaintops)Granny: "...the birds..."(Flocks of crows fly by)Granny: "...bears."Granny: "Too many bears."(Bears begin raining from the sky)Granny: "Should have dialed back on the bears."(The bears pop up one after the other, roaring into the camera)Granny: "And so...he dialed back on the bears!"
- "Your dumb ass brought rebar to a gunfight!...so did I. Guess that makes this a rebar fight."
- This priceless line from "Sharif":Sheriff: "Sorry, you're on your own. I told you, I'm retarded, retired sorry. Dammit, I even practiced that!"
- Virtually everything from "The Knights of the Noble Order of the Mystic Turquoise Goblet" is hilarious. However, the scene where Sheriff (painfully) swallows an iPhone down his throat and has to awkwardly squat around to record Early's findings is particularly notable.
- The near-entirety of "Beware the Butt-Cutter."
- Granny's ghost tour:
Granny: "You — now — stand...on the very spot! Of the Great Avalanche of Eighteen-and-Seventy-Two! This here off-brand VCR machine is all that remains of the gold prospector by the name of John...Tracking." (whispers) "And if you listen close, you can hear his ghostly cries..."Rusty: Whoooooooo!(Rusty appears in a costume)Granny: (with a warning tone) "But you will never see him, cuz it was decided the bedsheets weren't workin in the runthrough."Rusty: (still in character) "But I alllreaaady cut the hoooles..."Granny: (at Rusty, out of character) "I told you just fold it under and return it!"(Early appears apropos of nothing)Early: "Ain't give you no receipt when yeh shoplift!"Granny: (exasperated) "Dammit I said the bedsheets don't work! Feel like a owl hoot broken record!"- Granny taking advantage of The Sheriff's stupidity by treating herself to an afternoon at the casino all while pretending to be a psychic on the track of the killer.
- When Granny and Rusty escape and change their names to avoid Early, they first dress like ZZ Top, holding a sign to take them to Twitty City
. - After they find a new house:
Rusty: "I guess we're the Goldens now..."Granny: "Why dun ya tack a Berg at the end of that? He really steers clear of the Jew-folk." - Early's increasingly unhinged right-wing radio rants on "The Big E":Early: The Church! Should be taught! In the schools! And the schools! Should be part! Of the damn church!
- When Dan Halen insists Early mention his hair cream during the show we end up with:
Early: "Lemme tell ya sumthin, friends. Only thing I love more n'God Amighty Hisself and America? Is Dan Halen's new, United We Tan, Divided We Bald hair restoration and tanning cream." - When Early is upset that he didn't win Jack Squat in the lottery, then decides to make some money by putting it on a hat:
- Made even funnier by Todd Hanson/Dan Halen's completely deadpan delivery.
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