Funny / Papers, Please

  • The loudspeaker blaring ARSTOTZKA WELCOMES YOU after denying someone entry — or take them to talk to the nice men with guns, in the building that people go into a lot but don't seem to come out of so much.
  • Checking a sex discrepancy, scanning the person, and discovering that there isn't a sex discrepancy.
  • Some of the crazy aliases / fake names that travelers come up with.
  • Sometimes you can get a traveler who is flat out obvious with his discrepancies, and who actually is pretty humorous even when you deny him entry. Oh, Jorji Costava, you adorable illegal immigrant you...
    • He's just so friendly and understanding. Even when you're arresting him. Again.
    • One of his attempts to get past the check point is to give you a passport drawn in crayon. And it's marked Pre-Approved at the top. Jorji believes with all his heart that the inspector will think it legit.
    • The best part comes if you let the fake passport go through.
      Protocol Violated.
      Cobrastan is not a real country
    • After scanning Jorji and locating several suspicious packages strapped to his leg:
      Inspector: What is this?
      Jorji: Is drugs! :D
  • One United Federation foreigner will tell you he used to be an inspector like you, saying that the UF border control is now computerized. If he doesn't have all the documents in order though (necessitating denial), he'll nonchalantly agree before quipping, "So this is what it feels like", and then walk off.
    "It is all done by computers now. They can deny much faster that way."
  • Once you start checking identity supplements, one of the possible identifying features noted is "KILLER SIDEBURNS."
  • One scripted event involves someone walking into your booth and handing over two passports, before immediately cursing and saying he made a mistake. The detain button comes up immediately.
  • The "You are hot like fire" card and event. And the response you get if you give it to the depressed person later that day.
  • The Arstotzka athlete who claims his ID card was stolen in the locker room. He tries to bribe you with an Arstotzka Arskickers pennant if you'll let him in anyway.
  • One entrant will compliment you on the banner if it is up. If they are approved, they will cheer for the team.
    Entrant: Go Arskickers!
    • However, if you deny himů
      Entrant: What the hell? I thought we have Arskickers connection.
  • The fact that the Arstotzka football team is named the Arstotzka Arskickers.
  • Three words: "What is passport?"
  • Calensk's entire act when a bomb is dropped on your table.
    Calensk: What is this amateur shit?
    Inspector: Should we evacuate?
    Calensk: For that little thing? No, of course not.
    • After disarming the bomb you get this:
      Calensk: Ok, all done. Back to work.
      Inspector: We should close the checkpoint.
      Calensk: Bullshit. I need to earn money today.
    • He also points out how easy it is to defuse the bomb, as the would-be terrorist helpfully labeled each wire to cut in numerical order.
    • And it has to be noted that Calensk can essentially keep the bomb with him while he stands guard until the day ends (assuming nobody gets detained and thus he doesn't leave the screen). Tough guy.
  • If you buy your son the expensive crayons for his birthday, he'll draw you a picture that you can hang on the wall. One of the entrants on day 25 notices it...
  • On Day 18, the "reason for denial" stamp comes into play. The inspector has the following conversation with the first entrant he denies:
    Entrant: Denied? For what reason?
    Inspector: It is clearly stamped there.
    Entrant: Oh. Screw you anyways.
  • Also on Day 18, if you time it right, you can detain someone right as the scripted terrorist attack begins. The detaining guards walk down and COMPLETELY IGNORE THE TERRORIST.
  • The following exchange occurred while playing Endless Mode:
    Inspector: What is the purpose of your trip?
    Entrant: Transit through Arstotzka.
    Inspector: Duration of stay?
    Entrant: I don't plan to leave.
    • This can happen frequently. However, the papers state a more reasonable duration; if this is brought up, the presumably-embarrassed immigrant corrects himself.
    • With enough luck it can transition into Black Comedy courtesy of the entrant:
      Inspector: Duration of stay?
      Entrant: I stay until I die.
      Inspector: The duration is different.
      Entrant: Yes, I stay two months.
  • On Day 28, one entrant will offer an advertisement for the Get Big Town, a local gym, after he hands over his papers:
    Entrant: You are skin and bones. Bet you have no strength. Come to gym, I make you big.
    • If his papers aren't in order and you deny him, he'll complain:
      Entrant: Denied? Hah. This is what I expect from skinny weakling.
      • He calls the inspector a skinny weaking despite the fact that the inspector is pretty much single-handedly keeping the border crossing safe from trespassers at this point in time. There are guards behind the booth, but they have terrible aim and more or less need to be saved by the inspector from terrorist attacks. Keep in mind that the inspector is supposed to be a paper pusher, and not a soldier.
  • If you click on the speaker while an entrant is in the booth, it says one of a number of other lines. Time this right...
    Guard enters booth and beats up entrant.
  • You can get a pretty funny reaction to your plaque depending on which one you get:
    Entrant: What is this plaque on the wall? You are recognized for presence? Way to go.
  • On Day 19, you process an entrant who used to know the inspector's father. Her opinion of you wasn't all that nice:
    Entrant: I worked with your father for many years. You were such a little brat.
    • If she gets deniedů
      Entrant: You are still brat. Just not so little any more.
  • "A fine has been assessed for unofficial wall hangings."
  • In one scripted event, an entrant has invalid documents but refuses to leave, even when you detain them. They then start yelling about how they will "explode like wild tiger" until a guard comes in and knocks them out.
    Entrant: You think I am joking, but tiger does not joke.
    • One of the unused lines in the game files is even funnier:
      Entrant: This place will be covered in tiger hair from my extreme actions.
  • On Day 9, an agent from the M.O.I. hands you two identical sets of documents and tells you to give the fake set to an impostor coming in behind them. The title of the documents? "Mating Habits of Lesser Kolechian Waterfowl."
  • One of the random names an entrant can have is Stanislav Parabol. If it's intentional, it's a funny way to sneak in a Shout-Out. If it's not, it's a hysterical coincidence.
    • It was probably intentional; There are names such as Terezi Pyrope included in the game. Still, it is a very funny Shout-Out.
  • It is possible for a random entrant to present a work pass with the field listed as "HEALTH-CARE", but he or she fails to give you a certificate of vaccination. When interrogated, that entrant could say "I do not believe in vaccines," if the entrant does not have one. Crosses into Truth in Television with the anti-vaccer movement.
  • Serial child killer or not, Simon Wells' reaction to you giving him a picture of one of his victims (Julia) is priceless - he just yells "What the fuck?!" and runs away.