Black Comedy fills this movie to the brim.
- Grant and Eric meet up with the Kirbys and Billy. Both parties have heard the jingle from Paul's satellite phone and used it to find each other. Paul, however, realizes that he loaned it to Nash ... who got eaten by a Spinosaur earlier. Just then, the group hears the phone jingle, and everyone looks to see the Spinosaur standing several feet away. The jingle plays on. Oh, Crap!, indeed.
- Followed by Grant giving what is clearly a Disapproving Look as he mutters, "Run." (As in, "I am officially Getting Too Old For This.")
- Grant's nightmare on the plane, featuring a talking velociraptor.
- The scene where the team comes across a rotting dinosaur carcass:
Grant: It's okay. It's dead.[T. rex raises its head out of the carcass]Grant: Nobody ... move ... a muscle.[T. rex roars. Everyone but Grant takes off running in opposite direction.]Grant: Shit!
- When they search for the satellite phone in the Spinosaurus crap, after finding it they pick it up only to get a message about a time share. Moments later a huge Ceratosaurus shows up, scaring everyone thinking it's about to attack. It then takes a whiff of the crap, looks at the camera for a brief second and leaves as fast as it appears.
- Dr. Grant addressing a classroom after a lecture:
Announcer: Now, are there any questions?[Every hand in audience goes up]Grant: [Sighs; mentally counts to ten; forces a smile] Okay. Any questions not related to Jurassic Park?[Most of the hands go down][All hands go down but one]
- During the Spinosaurus attacking the plane scene, Paul runs out calling for Amanda. The Spinosaurus roars and he hauls ass back into the plane.
- After Paul reveals that "Kirby Enterprises" is nothing more than a hardware store and the big check he wrote to Alan is worthless, he offers to make it up to them by redoing his bathroom or kitchen.
- When Grant and Erik are hiding in the truck:
Grant: This is T. rex ... pee? [Erik nods] ... How did you get it?Erik: You don't wanna know.
- "That's a very bad idea!"
- This exchange between Erik and Grant:
Erik: I read both of your books. I liked the first one more. Before you were on the island. You liked dinosaurs back then.Grant: Back then they hadn't tried to eat me yet.
- The scene where Paul tries to use a snack machine in one of the abandoned buildings. While he fumbles for exact change, Billy simply walks up, kicks in the glass, and swipes the things he wants. Paul tries to do the same, fails, and limps away painfully.
- Grant and Erik on Ian Malcolm:
Grant: Did you read Malcolm's book?[Erik nods]Grant: So?Erik: I don't know. It was kinda preachy. And too much Chaos. Everything Chaos. It just seemed like the guy was high on himself.Grant: [smiles] Well, that's two things we have in common.
- The scene where the group find themselves in a kind of strange enclosure.
Grant: Oh my god.Amanda: What is this?Grant: It's a bird cage.Amanda: For what?
- Grant trying to interact with Ellie's son, who is playing with toy dinosaurs:
Grant: No, Charlie, those are herbavores, they ... wouldn't be fighting with each other.[picks up toy Velociraptors]Grant: Now these, these are carnivores, and they really like fighting with each other. They'll use their teeth and claws to rip each other's throats out!Ellie: Alan, he's three. Let's wait for the dinosaur lecture until he's five.
- At the climax of the film on the river, Grant retrieved the satellite phone and is trying to contact Ellie so she can send a rescue party while the Spinosaurus rips their boat apart. He reaches Ellie's home and her son answers. Grant tells him to bring his phone to her but the boy quickly gets distracted by the television screen playing, of all things, Barney & Friends. Poor Doctor Grant, wherever he goes there always seems to be dinosaurs that want to see him dead.