Funny / Jurassic Park
"When you gotta go, you gotta go"
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Jurassic Park

  • When Nedry and Dodgson meet before Nedry leaves for the park:
    Dodgson: You shouldn't use my name.
    Nedry: [waving his hands and pointing] Dodgson! Dodgson! We've got Dodgson here! [beat] See? Nobody cares. Nice Hat. What are you trying to look like, a secret agent?
    • Which then led to an amazing remix on YTMND courtesy of noted remixer keatonkeaton.
    • Nedry is introduced polishing off an entire table of food, leaving no questions as to why he's so fat. Dodgson then hands him his first bag of money, and Nedry is a jittering, happy wreck as he cradles the bag, and lets out a squeal of delight when Dodgson demonstrates the shaving can.
    • Capped off by Dodgson's silence when Nedry has him presented with the bill:
    Nedry: ...Don't get cheap on me, Dodgson. That was Hammond's mistake.
  • In the iconic scene where everyone sees their first live dinosaur, Ellie is very preoccupied with the leaf of an extinct plant she picked up. Finally, Grant grabs her head and physically makes her look. Cue dropped jaw...
    • Even better, Grant dumbfoundedly pointing at the Brachiosaurus and numbly mumbling:
      Alan: It — it's a dinosaur.
      Ellie: Uh-huh.
  • From early on:
    Ellie: What are you thinking?
    Alan: That we're out of a job.
    Ian: Don't you mean "extinct?"
    • Reality Subtext: That was inspired by a Real Life statement by head of the original stop-motion animation team hired for the movie when they saw the initial CGI work.
  • The robot arm in the dinosaur nursery taking the hatched egg right out of Grant's hand and setting it back down. The look on his face...
  • When shown the Brachiosaurus, Hammond cheerfully informs Grant that the park has a T-Rex. Already too shocked at the sight of the Brachiosaurus, Grant is at a loss for words and looks like he is going to faint.
  • This gem from early on, after Malcolm, Sattler, and Grant all argue against Jurassic Park:
    Hammond: I don't believe it! Hah! I don't believe it! You're supposed to come here and defend me against these characters and the only one I've got on my side is the bloodsucking lawyer!
    Gennaro: Thank you.
  • Later, when the dinosaur tour falls flat thanks to the non-appearance of the dinosaurs:
    Malcolm: Ah, now eventually you do plan to have dinosaurs on your, on your dinosaur tour, right? Hello? [taps the camera lens, breathes on it] Hello? Yes?
    Hammond: [deadpan] I really hate that man.
  • This famous exchange, but especially right after with Ian and Alan turning to stare at her, and Alan's little smile:
    Ian: God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys god. Man creates dinosaurs.
    Ellie: Dinosaurs ... eat man. Woman inherits the earth.
  • Ian's utterly deadpan reaction to the Triceratops feces:
    Ian: That is one big pile of shit.
  • Gennaro bolts upon seeing the T. rex and hides in a toilet cubicle. Alan and Ian see this, but not the T. rex.
    Alan: Where does he think he's going?
    Ian: When you gotta go, you gotta go.
    • The character in the book Gennaro is combined with, Ed Regis, does this because the T. rex roar made him piss his pants.
  • After Grant retrieves Tim from a car stuck in a tree, the branches snap and the car comes loose, crashing down through the tree and landing on top of them (luckily the roof was missing, creating a safe spot), and then...
    Tim: Well ... we're back ... in the car again.
    Grant: At least you're out of the tree.
    • Later, everyone has to climb a tree to stay safe for the night. Tim objects.
      Lex: [Trees] don't bother me.
      Tim: Yeah, well you weren't in the last one.
  • The moment when Lex decides she wants to stroke the Brachiosaurus after seeing Grant and Tim do it... and she promptly sneezes all over her.
    Tim: God bless you!
  • When attempting to fix Jurassic Park's computer problem:
    Nedry: [on computer] Unh-unh-uh, you didn't say the magic word! Unh-unh-uh. Unh-unh-uh...
    Arnold: PLEASE! Goddamnit, I hate this hacker crap!
  • Ellie and Muldoon discovering the injured Malcolm:
  • This exchange is a fine example of an Analogy Backfire if ever there was one:
    Hammond: When they opened Disneyland in 1956, nothing worked!
    Malcolm: Yeah, but John, if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists.
  • It's unknown if this was intentional, but towards the end, one of the jeeps has mud covering parts of the Jurassic Park logo, so it looks like it says, "UR ASS PARK".
  • Alan scaring the kids ... by pretending the 10,000 volt electric fence is switched on when he touches it.
    Lex: [angry] That's not funny.
    Tim: [laughing] That was great!
  • Nedry attempting to distract the Dilophosaurus ... by trying to get her to chase a stick.
    Nedry: [as Dilophosaurus stares at him] Ah, no wonder you're extinct! I'm gonna run you over when I come back down!
    • A subtle bit comes when Nedry is trying to shoo away the Dilophosaurus:
    Nedry: "I have no food on me!"
    Dilophosaurus: (looks him up and down, clearly disagreeing, obviously thinking "You are the food...and a lot of it too")
    • After he throws the stick, the Dilophosaurus glances in that direction, back at Nedry, then cocks her head and hoots as if to say, "Are you kidding me?"
    • When Dennis Nedry slips down the slope after his jeep gets stuck in the rain, there is a cartoonish whoosh clearly audible.
  • At the end as they flee the visitor center:
    Grant: Mr. Hammond, after careful consideration I've decided not to endorse your park.
    Hammond: So have I.
  • Right before that, as the "When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth" banner flutters down past the Tyrannosaurus.
    • Also counts as a CMOA.
  • When the Tyrannosaurus is chasing a Jeep and she appears in the "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear" mirror. As if she could be any closer already.
    • Muldoon's smug expression when the T. rex gives up the chase and Malcolm's "Think they'll have that on the tour?" add a bit of icing to the cake.
  • After learning that all the dinosaurs are female.
    Ian: So how do we know? Does someone go out into the park and pull up the dinosaur's skirts?
  • When the the dinosaurs start rampaging, the protagonists are unable call for help or evacuate because all the phones are down, courtesy of Nedry's virus. When they finally reestablish communication, Grant informs Hammond via phone ... who fails to comprehend that they can finally leave the island.
    Hammond: [casually] Yes?
  • Really, we could just say "Every other line Malcolm says in this movie."
  • When trying to tell Ellie where to go to restart the park, Hammond pulls out a map and places it over Malcolm's already broken leg, who then gasps in pain. Hammond gives him an apology that doesn't sound quite sincere.
  • The blasé way that Ian asks Grant and Ellie about their job, whilst eating peanuts on the helicopter. Made about a hundred times more hilarious by Jeff Goldblum's weirdly fascinating laugh.
    Ian: So you two, um ... [chomp] Dig up ... dig up dinosaurs?
    Ellie: Well, uh...
    Grant: We try to.
    Ian: [cackles for about five seconds straight]
    Hammond: You have to get used to Doctor Malcolm. He suffers from a deplorable excess of personality.
  • Darkly humorous moment from the first Tyrannosaurus rex scene:
    Grant: [with a flare] HEY!
    T. rex: [ROARS LOUDLY]
    Grant: [gives an extremely appropriate "Oh, Crap!" face before throwing the flare away]
  • When the T. rex breaks the fence, Malcolm laments he has been vindicated.
    Ian: Boy, do I hate being right all the time.
  • During the tour, Gennaro gets a little confused about the lab scientists:
    Gennaro: Are these characters ... auto-erotica?
  • Malcolm is occasionally married and always on the lookout for a future ex-Mrs. Malcolm.