This exchange between the landlady and Zuri in "The Talented Mr. Kipling":
Landlady: You people have a vicious, cold-blooded reptile living in this building? Zuri: Why not? You live here.
Jessie: All my boyfriends have to be at least 18. *looks at Mr. Kipling* And human. Emma: So Luke, you're 0 for 2.
When Ravi gets a mystical eyeball app on his computer:
Ravi: Bertram, we have terrible news! Bertram: Your parents are having another kid? Ravi: No. You are going to get hurt doing the splits, choke on stuffing, and then get carried away by a dark, shadowy figure at 6:22 tomorrow! Bertram: You figured all that out by asking yes or no questions? Zuri: We asked a lot of questions. Bertram: Well, I have a prediction. An incredibly handsome man will tap-dance out of the kitchen! *tap dances out of kitchen and does a tongue expression*
Later in the same ep:
Bertram:I'm not going to get hurt doing the splits. *slips on a banana peel, then lands in a split pose* Ow! Ravi: It said he would get hurt doing the splits, and he is doing the splits! (beat) Zuri: And he was eating a banana split! Ravi: A double split! Bertram: Meanwhile, I'm splitting my pants! Ravi and Zuri: A TRIPLE SPLIT!
And at the end of the ep:
Ravi: I guess a 3 dollar computer application cannot hold the answer to all of life's mysteries. Jessie: Yeah. *beat* Those cost 4.99!
After Jessie mentions having fixed Zuri's stuffed pony after it got eaten by Mr. Kipling:
Zuri: Her tail is where her head used to be, but she can still run like the wind.
When Jessie freaks out on the subway:
Emma: People are staring. And in New York, that's saying something.
When Jessie is making a film for her friend Darla:
Mrs. Chesterfield: Marla! Your friend is a terrible nanny! She couldn't take care of a bowl of sea monkeys. Jessie: Hey! I'll have you know that all of my sea monkeys died of natural causes! (beat) ...And a thirsty cat.
From "Used Karma" cue Zuri escorting Luke into the screening room.
Zuri: The Great Ravi will see you now. Ravi: Luke. I have been expecting you. Luke: What is all this? Ravi: You have just entered my lair. Luke: Dude, it's the screening room. Ravi: True, but it doubles as my lair. Luke: Okay, isn't a lair usually underground- Ravi:I TELL YOU, IT IS A LAIR! Zuri: (to Luke) Just go with it. Luke: Not the point. I need your help with my bad karma. Ravi: I will help you, but first... admit to me this is a lair.
Brody: How did you ever get to be a butler? Bertram: Well, I wanted to be an obnoxious rich guy, but the job was filled.
From "Creepy Connie's Curtain Call":
Jessie: What did they think of my writing and directing? Emma: *shows Jessie the review of her play* Jessie: Wow. I did not know they were allowed to use words like that on a school website. Well, at least one good thing came from all this. Emma: You realized the only Tony you're ever gonna get is our doorman?
From "We Are So Grounded":
Jessie: Emma, turn off your thingies. The pilot said electronic devices interfere with the plane's instruments. Emma: He also said the pâté was fresh. He lies!
Ravi: Do we follow the creature with a brain the size of a walnut or Mr. Kipling? *points to Kipling*
From "One Day Wonders":
Bertram (to Emma): If you want to look smarter, stand next to Luke.
When Ravi is trapped inside Bertram's room after an avalanche of junk, he finds what he at first thinks is a cheese puff. In an inversion of the "That's a Cheeto" scene from Despicable Me, it's implied that it was actually a caterpillar since a few seconds later he exclaims "Not a cheese puff, it was not...A CHEESE PUFF!"
The Hilarious Outtakes in "To Be Me Or Not To Be Me", in which Karan Brar forgets to speak with Ravi's Indian accent, Cameron Boyce snorts popcorn out his nose, Debby Ryan accidentally says "freakfast" (rhymes with "breakfast", which she intended to say) and Kevin Chamberlin gets stuck sitting.
This exchange from "Kids Don't Wanna Be Shunned":
Jessie: I had my own Bryn in high school. Jenna Glowinki. She tried to turn all my friends against me. Bertram: You had friends? Aargh! I owe Zuri ten bucks.
When Bertram has a nightmare about Luke and Emma as goats in "Gotcha Day".
We destroy. You clean. It is the circle of messes.