Funny / Hellsing

  • How does Alucard announce his entrance to the house containing the two teenage spree-killer vamps? Why, the way any of us would. He rings the doorbell.
  • Basically everything Jan Valentine says, but highlights include:
    Jan: Up Up! Down Down! Left Right Left Right! Bringing the motherfucking death by Konami! (beat) Ah I'm so fucking hard right now.
    • His hilarious call in the TV series to Integra and the Round Table. He does it in the OVA, too.
      Jan (TV): And while you're waiting for us to kill you, we highly recommend pissing yourself! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in the corner and begging — always good — BUT IF YOU ACT NOW! — there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!
      Jan (OVA): You've got nowhere left to run and nowhere to hide, 'cause I'm comin' to kill you. I wanna hear you cry and beg! In the meantime, I highly recommend pissing yourself, followed by a course of prayer to your impotent God! But hey — there's still time left to just be a man and kill yourself! Thank you, London! We love you! Goodnight!
      • This one gets an Ironic Echo from Walter after he dispatches most of Jan's ghouls.
    • Jan can even make brutality sound funny.
      Jan: Come out and play, little Hellsing. I promise it's gonna be a lot of fun. We just want to torture you, kill you, maybe skullfuck your corpse a couple of times, burn the house to the ground, go home and masturbate, okayyyyy?
    • From the same episode:
      (Seras has just snuck up behind Jan and forced him down in a restraint hold, causing much complaint.)
      Walter: Where did you learn that submission technique?
      Seras: (over Jan's complaining) I am a former police girl...
      • Meanwhile Jan is complaining about how he's supposed to be on top.
      Jan: Get the fuck off me! Fuckin' vampire slut!
    • As if we didn't have enough moments from Jan...
      Jan: Now all that's left is to beat the shit out of a little girl and a bunch of old people.
    • Another Jan classic:
      Jan: (smokes one of Integra's cigars) Fuck, these are some fine cigars! Like, all bourgeois and shit. I mean, come on, that's just fucked up! People are starving in the world, and she's wasting money on this?!
    • Jan's uncharacteristically deadpan reaction when he actually gets to the Round Table room and finds the entire party with their guns already drawn and waiting for him.
      "Ah, fuck me."
    • And all too soon, Jan is gone, but he goes out in one helluva way.
      Come on, bitch, you know [who sent me] — the ones who put this fuckin' chip in me... (stands) ...the chip that's sending information lettin' 'em know we fucked up! They can hear us talkin'... every last goddamn word. If they knew I was sittin' here, all fucked up and dyin', 'bout to tell you everything... you think they'd let me fuckin' live?! (suddenly engulfed in blue fire) Aaaaahahahaha! See?! I so fuckin' told you! HA HA! Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! (flips the bird) You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, bitch!
  • Speaking of the Valentine Brothers, at the end of every manga volume (except the first one) there are special comics depicting hilarious moments with them, like when they did a countdown for most popular Hellsing Character. They even put in characters that were never in Hellsing!
  • "Well! Just try and stop us, you self-proclaimed normal people!"
  • Bruce Willis and the Harkonnen spirit talking to Seras Victoria.
  • "As a vampire, you were just a pathetic piece of shit. Now, you're nothing but dog shit."
  • Seras defusing a potential brawl in the museum between Alucard and Anderson by guiding a tour group of Japanese tourists directly between them ("Kochi desu yo!"). Alucard and Anderson just stand totally still, weapons drawn, as the tourists walk past, then:
    Alucard: This is neither the time nor the place for a battle.
    Anderson: Yeah, you may have a point there.
    (both turn to leave)
    Alucard: I'm leaving. Getting up in the daytime is so draining...
    Anderson: (with a very kind smile) I must say, this is an excellent museum. Perhaps next time I could bring some children from the orphanage?
    • In the manga, at least, the tourists are the "North Kasukabe Elderly Society" and mistake them for museum exhibits.
      Elderly tourist: Ehh? Now why d'you suppose this priest has them sword-thingies?
      Elderly tourist #2: Oh, I'll bet this is that "avant-garde" stuff! My grandkids love it.
      Imamura: I tell ya, when I was in Manchuria, we sure didn't have any guns like that!
      Elderly tourist #3: Good grief, Imamura's started going on about Manchuria again...?
  • Pip is funny merc.
    • Getting knocked flat with a flick of Seras' finger, and then freaking out when Alucard decides to make an entrance through the wall.
    • Complaining that Seras and Alucard get a fancy penthouse suite in a fancy hotel while he's stuck in some cheap hole. "Damn you, bourgeoisie!"
    • His general unease with the weirdness of Alucard. "Maybe he has some kind of ...evil love beam?"
    • Wearing a pink stripy shirt and looking hilariously bored while visiting the Queen of England.
  • Anderson and Alucard's dramatic brawl near the beginning of the fourth OVA.
    • Seras tries to join in and hit Anderson from behind, but it only takes a glare from him for her to stop dead in her tracks. And then he throws a bayonet into the wall right next to her head. It contains a message from the Vatican.
    • The sheer absurdity that is Anderson not even being able to deliver a simple message without getting into a fistfight with Alucard. If Seras hadn't intervened, they probably would've destroyed half the building before Anderson remembered his actual reason for being there.
  • The manga, Volume 11, Seras posing in red hat and coat: "Look! I'm imitating master!"
  • Schrödinger losing his copy of the mission briefing, having to read over the Captain's shoulder, and looking completely adorable.
  • Everything involving Schrödinger in OVA Episode 4.
    • Schrödinger ogling Seras.
    • Schrödinger looking like Seras.
    • Schrödinger and the Major trying to get their TV to turn on so they can deliver their threats to Integra.
    • "You're so slow. In the time it took you to walk down one little hallway, I went all the way to London, got my head blown off, and made it back. Perhaps you should start thinking about going on a diet, mein Major."
    • The credits sequence, with Schrödinger marching along a globe while icons of London are being blown to bits and with the the Major, Captain, Doctor and Zorin getting into various wacky hijinks.
  • The Wild Geese meeting Seras and Alucard for the first time. Hilarity ensues.
  • While sealed in her coffin during Volume 3, Seras has a vision of the spirit of the Harkonnen, who promises to support her and answer her questions:
    Seras: O-okay, Mr. Spirit. There's just one thing I want to ask you! Everything's in the pits. Is the rest of my life going to be this unhappy?
    Harkonnen: ...More or less.
    • Plus, there's also that part of Volume 2/OVA Episode 2 with Seras snapping over the fact that, as a vampire, she would be sleeping in a coffin from now on. What really sent her screaming was how her normal bed was trashed and thrown away in favor of said coffin.
    • The scene where she has been locked in her coffin for the flight to Brazil (because apparently fledgling vampires can't survive crossing the ocean unprotected), screaming and yelling all the while until Alucard simply tells her to shut up. And she meekly does.
  • Any time during the OVA when it undergoes an art shift, expect something funny to happen.
  • When one of the Major's subordinates expresses a desire to not go charging at Alucard's familiar army because it would needlessly sacrifice the lives of the troops, the Major pulls out a gun and shoots at the guy at point-blank range. He misses every shot, causing Doc to wonder how the Major got into the S.S. in the first place.
    • It pays off when he shoots Integra's eye out after missing several shots when she finally returns fire and shoots him in the head.
    The Major: I finally hit something
  • The scene with the Wild Geese training session. When Seras attempted target practice, she snapped after hearing that she killed all hostages. Later, we see her having a spizfit over a lecherous song that Pip was singing.
    • We also see that in the credits of OVA 6, (with Magnolia playing) along with another funny scene involving ZORIN BLITZ of all people. A bunch of Millennium foot soldiers fight over a corpse that they plan on having for dinner, frustrating and irritating Zorin, and she slices the body in four separate pieces.
  • After you finish watching the epilogue for OVA 5, you're treated to a hilarious preview for OVA 6 with Alucard griping over having little to no screen time in the next two OVAs, and at the end, you're treated to a picture with... "Church of England Pro Wrestling."
  • Zorin expressing her bafflement at Schrödinger appearing inside Seras' subconscious. His reply is a nonchalant, "I'm everywhere and nowhere" as if he does this all the time. It's followed by an equally nonchalant You Have Failed Me.
  • Near the end of the manga, Integra's exaggerated account of Lord Penwood's Heroic Sacrifice. Could also be considered a Heartwarming Moment, as she's speaking to his grandson.
    • What's especially funny (and heartwarming in a weird way) is that she's basically telling the boy what he wants to humor him so that she can ask him for a new helicopter like she used to do with his grandfather.
  • From OVA 10:
    Seras: Also, [Mr. Bernadotte], can you please not smoke inside of me?
  • In OVA 8, during the decisive battle between Alucard and Anderson, he suddenly switches back from his true form and starts lovingly and explicitly describing his new Jackal gun. Something about hearing him prattle off about it like a salesman with his Voice of the Legion is hilarious.
  • In OVA 6, Integra cows Heinkel into lighting her cigar. The calm way she gives the command, the funny music that starts up, and the way she wiggles the cigar in her mouth as if to say "well, come on" makes it hilarious. To clarify, the Iscariot Organization hates the Hellsing Organization with a passion and their standing orders are to capture her. And despite Heinkel being armed, she obliges with great pain to her pride.
    • From there, she promptly browbeats the hit squad of trained assassins into escorting her back to Hellsing Manor. Father Anderson agrees to this, causing all of his comrades to promptly gape at him in pure disbelief...but having to go along with it anyway!
    • Heinkel's and Yumie's reactions are especially hilarious. They want so badly to just shoot Integra and be done with it, but her general attitude and Anderson's subsequent scolding cow both of them into gibbering piles of frustration. Only Anderson appears not to be embarrassed by the whole situation while his students sulk and grumble while following him.
      Heinkel: What are we doing? How did she rope us all into this?
      Yumie: This is terrible! Bishop Maxwell is going to be so angry.
      Heinkel: You know, we have sorta taken her into custody. Figuratively.
      Yumie: Please, he's not gonna buy it.
      Heinkel: SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!
    • Anderson scolding the girls over their treatment of Integra. They cower away like small children who'd just disappointed their father, which may very well be the case here.
      Anderson: Teaming up against an unarmed woman to do God knows what to her? We're paladins, not rapists.
  • The opening of OVA 3 gives us this gem of a conversation from the Wild Geese mercenaries regarding friendly fire from allied bombers.
    Merc #1: Tell those assholes they're supposed to bomb the other guys!
    Merc #2: Inbred motherfuckers don't give a shit. They got a dozen sisters at home to knock up.
    Merc #3: That's not bad. It works out to, like, two a day if you don't count Sundays.
  • In OVA 1, Seras examining herself in the mirror and giving a cocky little smile before freaking out that she really has turned into a vampire.
    • Made even funnier by the fact that as a vampire, she should not be able to see her own reflection at all.
  • At the end of Volume 1, Chapter 2, Integra flipping her wig when Alucard and Seras comment on her age.
  • Alucard's dream sequence at the beginning of OVA 5.
  • The mascot logo used for the Hellsing Organization on their newly bought stealth jet? A cute little cartoon bat.
  • A bit of stealth comedy, but the fact that three of the children known to be raised by Alexander are Italian (Maxwell), Japanese (Yumiko), and German (Heinkel) makes it all that much funnier when they're going to war with the Nazis.
  • A bit of comedic irony occurs when Anderson impales himself in the heart with the Nail of Helena. You're supposed to put the stake through the vampire's heart, dude.
  • In the final OVA, Pip, as the spirit guardian of the Hellsing Manor, going "What was that for?" when Heinkel punches a wall.
  • Alucard sneaking up on Integra in the middle of the night, only for Integra to wake up and immediately shoot him in the face.
  • Just about everything that comes out of Rip van Winkle's mouth. She's just as insane as pretty much everyone else in the series, but she's just so bright and cheerful about it that it's more hilarious than it is frightening.
    "How does it feel, my newly-minted Captain, to become a vampire? Lead a mutiny, murder your crew, and commit high treason all in one night?"
    "EXCELLENT WORK! This is really amazing. Millennium is happy to have go-getters like you on our team! Oh, we couldn't have done it without you. And, of course, the Major - he's so proud! You definitely deserve everything that's coming to you."
  • Alucard retaining his Badass Baritone even in his girl form. There's just something hilarious about seeing a young teenager talking in such a deep voice.
  • The final OVA has Integra worried about her final and most dangerous opponent.... age and wrinkles along with how they remind her of Walter.