History Funny / Hellsing

25th Mar '15 3:01:11 AM NanoMoose
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** Getting knocked flat with a flick of Seras' finger, and then ''freaking out'' when Alucard decides to make an entrance through the wall. ** Complaining that Seras and Alucard get a fancy penthouse suite in a fancy hotel while he's stuck in some cheap hole. ''"Damn you, bourgeoisie!"'' ** His general unease with the weirdness of Alucard. "Maybe he has some kind of ...evil love beam?" ** Wearing a pink stripy shirt and looking hilariously bored while visiting the Queen of England.

* A bit of comedic irony occurs when [[spoiler:Anderson impales himself in the heart with the Nail of Helena. Staking hearts comes to mind with that kind of imagery.]]
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* A bit of comedic irony occurs when [[spoiler:Anderson impales himself in the heart with the Nail of Helena. Staking hearts comes You're supposed to mind with that kind of imagery.put the stake through the ''vampire's'' heart, dude.]]

* Alucard sneaking up on Integra in the middle of the night, only for Integra to quickly wake up and shoot him in the face.
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* Alucard sneaking up on Integra in the middle of the night, only for Integra to quickly wake up and immediately shoot him in the face.

--> "EXCELLENT WORK! This is really ''amazing.'' Millennium is happy to have go-getters like you on our team! Oh, we couldn't have done it without you. And, of course, the Major - he's so proud! [[DeadlyEuphemism You]] ''[[EvenEvilHasStandards definitely]]'' [[DeadlyEuphemism deserve everything that's coming to you]]."
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--> "EXCELLENT WORK! This is really ''amazing.'' Millennium is happy to have go-getters like you on our team! Oh, we couldn't have done it without you. And, of course, the Major - he's so proud! [[DeadlyEuphemism You]] ''[[EvenEvilHasStandards definitely]]'' [[DeadlyEuphemism [[RewardedAsATraitorDeserves deserve everything that's coming to you]]."
24th Mar '15 8:55:53 PM ThomasSmith
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** We also see that in the credits of OVA 6, (with Magnolia playing) along with another funny scene involving '''ZORIN BLITZ''' of all people. A bunch of Millenium foot soldiers fight over a corpse that they plan on having for dinner, frustrating and irritating Zorin, and she slices the body in four separate scenes.
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** We also see that in the credits of OVA 6, (with Magnolia playing) along with another funny scene involving '''ZORIN BLITZ''' of all people. A bunch of Millenium Millennium foot soldiers fight over a corpse that they plan on having for dinner, frustrating and irritating Zorin, and she slices the body in four separate scenes.pieces.
20th Mar '15 1:25:01 AM SventheCrusader
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--> "EXCELLENT WORK! This is really ''amazing.'' Millennium is happy to have go-getters like you on our team! Oh, we couldn't have done it without you. And, of course, the Major - he's so proud! [[DeadlyEuphemism You]] '']]EvenEvilHasStandards definitely]]'' [[DeadlyEuphemism deserve everything that's coming to you]]."
to:
--> "EXCELLENT WORK! This is really ''amazing.'' Millennium is happy to have go-getters like you on our team! Oh, we couldn't have done it without you. And, of course, the Major - he's so proud! [[DeadlyEuphemism You]] '']]EvenEvilHasStandards ''[[EvenEvilHasStandards definitely]]'' [[DeadlyEuphemism deserve everything that's coming to you]]."
20th Mar '15 1:24:36 AM SventheCrusader
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Added DiffLines:
* Just about everything that comes out of [[AffablyEvil Rip van Winkle]]'s mouth. She's just as insane as pretty much everyone else in the series, but she's just so bright and cheerful about it that it's more hilarious than it is frightening. --> "How ''does'' it feel, my newly-minted Captain, to become a vampire? Lead a mutiny, murder your crew, and commit high treason all in one night?" --> "EXCELLENT WORK! This is really ''amazing.'' Millennium is happy to have go-getters like you on our team! Oh, we couldn't have done it without you. And, of course, the Major - he's so proud! [[DeadlyEuphemism You]] '']]EvenEvilHasStandards definitely]]'' [[DeadlyEuphemism deserve everything that's coming to you]]."
26th Feb '15 10:20:52 PM JasonJD48
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* [[Creator/BruceWillis Bruce]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRVN7uBuvOs Willis]] and the Harkonnen spirit talking to Seras Victoria.
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* [[Creator/BruceWillis Bruce]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRVN7uBuvOs Willis]] and the Harkonnen [[Franchise/{{Dune}} Harkonnen]] spirit talking to Seras Victoria.
26th Feb '15 3:29:28 AM NanoMoose
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--->'''Jan''': ''(smokes one of Integra's cigars)'' '''Fuck,''''' these are some fine cigars! Like, all bourgeois and shit. I mean, come on, that's just fucked up! People are starving in the world, '''and she's wasting money on this?!'''
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--->'''Jan''': ''(smokes one of Integra's cigars)'' '''Fuck,''''' ''Fuck,'' these are some fine cigars! Like, all bourgeois and shit. I mean, come on, that's just fucked up! People are starving in the world, '''and she's wasting money on this?!'''

--->Come on, bitch, you know [who sent me] -- the ones who put this fuckin' chip in me... ''(stands)'' "...the chip that's sending information lettin' 'em know we fucked up! They can hear us talkin'... every last goddamn word. If they knew I was sittin' here, all fucked up and dyin', 'bout to tell you everything... [[YouHaveFailedMe you think they'd let me fuckin' live?!]] ''(suddenly engulfed in blue fire)'' Aaaaahahahaha! See?! I so fuckin' told you! HA HA! Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! ''([[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]])'' You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!
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--->Come on, bitch, you know [who sent me] -- the ones who put this fuckin' chip in me... ''(stands)'' "...''(stands)'' ...the chip that's sending information lettin' 'em know we fucked up! They can hear us talkin'... every last goddamn word. If they knew I was sittin' here, all fucked up and dyin', 'bout to tell you everything... [[YouHaveFailedMe you think they'd let me fuckin' live?!]] ''(suddenly engulfed in blue fire)'' Aaaaahahahaha! See?! I so fuckin' told you! HA HA! Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! ''([[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]])'' You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!
26th Feb '15 3:28:05 AM NanoMoose
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'''Jan''' (OVA): You've got nowhere left to run and nowhere to hide, 'cause I'm comin' to kill you. I wanna hear you cry and beg! In the meantime, I highly recommend [[BringMyBrownPants pissing yourself]], followed by [[SayYourPrayers a course of prayer]] to your impotent ''God''! But hey -- there's still time left to just be a man and ''[[DrivenToSuicide kill yourself]]''! Thank you, London! We love you! Goodnight!!
to:
'''Jan''' (OVA): You've got nowhere left to run and nowhere to hide, 'cause I'm comin' to kill you. I wanna hear you cry and beg! In the meantime, I highly recommend [[BringMyBrownPants pissing yourself]], followed by [[SayYourPrayers a course of prayer]] to your impotent ''God''! ''God!'' But hey -- there's still time left to just be a man and ''[[DrivenToSuicide kill yourself]]''! yourself]]!'' Thank you, London! We love you! Goodnight!!Goodnight!

--->'''Jan''': Come out and play little Hellsing. I promise its gonna be a lot of fun. We just want to torture you, kill you, maybe skullfuck your corpse a couple of times, burn the house to the ground, go home and masturbate okayyyyy.
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--->'''Jan''': Come out and play play, little Hellsing. I promise its it's gonna be a lot of fun. We just want to torture you, kill you, maybe skullfuck your corpse a couple of times, burn the house to the ground, go home and masturbate okayyyyy.masturbate, okayyyyy?

---> (Seras has just snuck up behind Jan and forced him down in a restraint hold, causing much complaint.)\\
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---> (Seras ''(Seras has just snuck up behind Jan and forced him down in a restraint hold, causing much complaint.)\\)''\\

'''Seras''': (over Jan's complaining) I AM a former police girl...
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'''Seras''': (over ''(over Jan's complaining) complaining)'' I AM ''am'' a former police girl...

--->'''Jan''': Get the fuck off me! Fuckin' vampire slut!! ** As if we didn't have enough moments from Janů
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--->'''Jan''': Get the fuck off me! Fuckin' vampire slut!! slut! ** As if we didn't have enough moments from JanůJan...

--->'''Jan''': (''smokes one of Integra's cigars'') "'''Fuck,''''' these are some fine cigars! Like, all bourgeois and shit. I mean, come on, that's just fucked up! People are starving in the world, '''and she's wasting money on this?!'''"
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--->'''Jan''': (''smokes ''(smokes one of Integra's cigars'') "'''Fuck,''''' cigars)'' '''Fuck,''''' these are some fine cigars! Like, all bourgeois and shit. I mean, come on, that's just fucked up! People are starving in the world, '''and she's wasting money on this?!'''"this?!'''

--->"Come on, bitch, you know [who sent me] -- the ones who put this fuckin' chip in me..." *stands* "...the chip that's sending information lettin' 'em know we fucked up! They can hear us talkin'... every last goddamn word. If they knew I was sittin' here, all fucked up and dyin', 'bout to tell you everything... [[YouHaveFailedMe you think they'd let me fuckin' live?!]]" *immolates* "Aaaaahahahaha!! See?! I so fuckin' told you! HA HA!! Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! *[[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]]* You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"
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--->"Come --->Come on, bitch, you know [who sent me] -- the ones who put this fuckin' chip in me..." *stands* me... ''(stands)'' "...the chip that's sending information lettin' 'em know we fucked up! They can hear us talkin'... every last goddamn word. If they knew I was sittin' here, all fucked up and dyin', 'bout to tell you everything... [[YouHaveFailedMe you think they'd let me fuckin' live?!]]" *immolates* "Aaaaahahahaha!! live?!]] ''(suddenly engulfed in blue fire)'' Aaaaahahahaha! See?! I so fuckin' told you! HA HA!! HA! Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! *[[FlippingTheBird ''([[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]]* bird]])'' You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"bitch]]!

* [[BruceWillis Bruce [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRVN7uBuvOs Willis]] and the Harkonnen spirit talking to Seras Victoria.
to:
* [[BruceWillis Bruce [[Creator/BruceWillis Bruce]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRVN7uBuvOs Willis]] and the Harkonnen spirit talking to Seras Victoria.

* Seras defusing a potential brawl in the museum between Alucard and Anderson by guiding a tour group of Japanese tourists right past them ([[GratuitousJapanese "Kochi desu yo!"]]). Alucard and Anderson [[TheComicallySerious just stand totally still]], weapons drawn, as the tourists walk past, then:
to:
* Seras defusing a potential brawl in the museum between Alucard and Anderson by guiding a tour group of Japanese tourists right past directly between them ([[GratuitousJapanese "Kochi desu yo!"]]). Alucard and Anderson [[TheComicallySerious just stand totally still]], weapons drawn, as the tourists walk past, then:

* both turn to leave*\\
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* both ''(both turn to leave*\\leave)''\\

'''Anderson''': (with a very kind smile) I must say, this is an excellent museum. Perhaps next time I could bring some children from the orphanage?
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'''Anderson''': (with ''(with a very kind smile) smile)'' I must say, this is an excellent museum. Perhaps next time I could bring some children from the orphanage?

'''Harkonnen''': ... more or less.
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'''Harkonnen''': ... more More or less.

** From there, she promptly browbeats the hit squad of ''trained assassins'' into escorting her back to Hellsing Manor. Father Anderson agrees to this, causing all of his comrades to promptly gape at him in pure disbelief...but ''having to go along with it, anyways!''
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** From there, she promptly browbeats the hit squad of ''trained assassins'' into escorting her back to Hellsing Manor. Father Anderson agrees to this, causing all of his comrades to promptly gape at him in pure disbelief...but ''having to go along with it, anyways!'' it anyway!''

* The opening of OVA 3 gives us this gem of a conversation from the Wild Geese mercenaries regarding friendly fire from their bombers -->'''Merc #1:''' Tell those assholes they're supposed to bomb the OTHER GUYS!\\
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* The opening of OVA 3 gives us this gem of a conversation from the Wild Geese mercenaries regarding friendly fire from their bombers allied bombers. -->'''Merc #1:''' Tell those assholes they're supposed to bomb the OTHER GUYS!\\''other guys!''\\

* The mascot logo used for the Hellsing Organization on their newly bought stealth jet? A cute, little cartoon bat.
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* The mascot logo used for the Hellsing Organization on their newly bought stealth jet? A cute, cute little cartoon bat.
24th Feb '15 4:45:33 AM NanoMoose
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* How does Alucard announce his entrance to the house containing the two teenage spree-killer vamps? Why, the way any of us would. He rings the doorbell.

-->'''Jan''': Up Up! Down Down! Left Right Left Right! Bringing the motherfucking death [[KonamiCode by Konami]]! (pause) Ah I'm so fucking hard right now.
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-->'''Jan''': Up Up! Down Down! Left Right Left Right! Bringing the motherfucking death [[KonamiCode by Konami]]! (pause) ''({{beat}})'' Ah I'm so fucking hard right now.

--->'''Jan''' (TV): And while you're waiting for us to kill '''you''', we highly recommend pissing yourself! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in the corner and begging--always good--BUT IF YOU ACT NOW!--there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!\\
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--->'''Jan''' (TV): And while you're waiting for us to kill '''you''', we highly recommend pissing yourself! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in the corner and begging--always good--BUT begging -- always good -- BUT IF YOU ACT NOW!--there's NOW! -- there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!\\
15th Feb '15 2:11:10 PM CerotechOmega
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** His hilarious call in the TV series to Integra and the Round Table: --->'''Jan''': And while you're waiting for us to kill '''you''', we highly recommend pissing yourself! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in the corner and begging--always good--BUT IF YOU ACT NOW!--there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!
to:
** His hilarious call in the TV series to Integra and the Round Table: --->'''Jan''': Table. He does it in the OVA, too. --->'''Jan''' (TV): And while you're waiting for us to kill '''you''', we highly recommend pissing yourself! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in the corner and begging--always good--BUT IF YOU ACT NOW!--there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!night!\\ '''Jan''' (OVA): You've got nowhere left to run and nowhere to hide, 'cause I'm comin' to kill you. I wanna hear you cry and beg! In the meantime, I highly recommend [[BringMyBrownPants pissing yourself]], followed by [[SayYourPrayers a course of prayer]] to your impotent ''God''! But hey -- there's still time left to just be a man and ''[[DrivenToSuicide kill yourself]]''! Thank you, London! We love you! Goodnight!!

** His hilarious call in the TV series to Integra and the Round Table: --->'''Jan''': And while you're waiting for us to kill '''you''', we highly recommend pissing yourself! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in Get the corner and begging--always good--BUT IF YOU ACT NOW!--there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!fuck off me! Fuckin' vampire slut!!

--->"Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! *[[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]]* You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"
to:
--->"Well, --->"Come on, bitch, you know [who sent me] -- the ones who put this fuckin' chip in me..." *stands* "...the chip that's sending information lettin' 'em know we fucked up! They can hear us talkin'... every last goddamn word. If they knew I was sittin' here, all fucked up and dyin', 'bout to tell you everything... [[YouHaveFailedMe you think they'd let me fuckin' live?!]]" *immolates* "Aaaaahahahaha!! See?! I so fuckin' told you! HA HA!! Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! *[[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]]* You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"
10th Jan '15 12:04:24 AM sgamer82
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-->'''Jan''': And while you're waiting for us to kill '''you''', we highly recommend pissing yourself! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in the corner and begging--always good--BUT IF YOU ACT NOW!--there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!
to:
-->'''Jan''': --->'''Jan''': And while you're waiting for us to kill '''you''', we highly recommend pissing yourself! Followed by a course of praying to your impotent God! Then cowering in the corner and begging--always good--BUT IF YOU ACT NOW!--there's still time for an old-fashioned SUICIDE! Thank you London! We love you! Good night!

---> (Seras has just snuck up behind Jan and forced him down in a restraint hold, causing much complaint.) --->'''Walter''': Where did you learn that submission technique? --->'''Seras''': (over Jan's complaining) I AM a former police girl...
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---> (Seras has just snuck up behind Jan and forced him down in a restraint hold, causing much complaint.) --->'''Walter''': )\\ '''Walter''': Where did you learn that submission technique? --->'''Seras''': technique?\\ '''Seras''': (over Jan's complaining) I AM a former police girl...

-->"Ah, fuck me."
to:
-->"Ah, --->"Ah, fuck me."

-->"Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! *[[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]]* You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"
to:
-->"Well, --->"Well, since I'm fucked, how about I piss a little wisdom on you dipshits?! *[[FlippingTheBird flips the bird]]* You can take this clue, and shove it up your ass, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"

-->'''Alucard''': This is neither the time nor the place for a battle. -->'''Anderson''': Yeah, you may have a point there. -->* both turn to leave* -->'''Alucard''': I'm leaving. Getting up in the daytime is so draining... -->'''Anderson''': (with a very kind smile) I must say, this is an excellent museum. Perhaps next time I could bring some children from the orphanage?
to:
-->'''Alucard''': This is neither the time nor the place for a battle. -->'''Anderson''': battle.\\ '''Anderson''': Yeah, you may have a point there. -->* there.\\ * both turn to leave* -->'''Alucard''': leave*\\ '''Alucard''': I'm leaving. Getting up in the daytime is so draining... -->'''Anderson''': draining...\\ '''Anderson''': (with a very kind smile) I must say, this is an excellent museum. Perhaps next time I could bring some children from the orphanage?

-->'''Elderly tourist:''' Ehh? Now why d'you suppose this priest has them sword-thingies? -->'''Elderly tourist #2:''' Oh, I'll bet this is that "avant-garde" stuff! My grandkids love it. -->'''Imamura:''' I tell ya, [[FridgeBrilliance when I was in]] [[UsefulNotes/SecondSinoJapaneseWar Manchuria]], we sure didn't have any guns like that! -->'''Elderly tourist #3:''' Good grief, Imamura's started going on about Manchuria again...?
to:
-->'''Elderly --->'''Elderly tourist:''' Ehh? Now why d'you suppose this priest has them sword-thingies? -->'''Elderly sword-thingies?\\ '''Elderly tourist #2:''' Oh, I'll bet this is that "avant-garde" stuff! My grandkids love it. -->'''Imamura:''' it.\\ '''Imamura:''' I tell ya, [[FridgeBrilliance when I was in]] [[UsefulNotes/SecondSinoJapaneseWar Manchuria]], we sure didn't have any guns like that! -->'''Elderly that!\\ '''Elderly tourist #3:''' Good grief, Imamura's started going on about Manchuria again...?

-->'''Seras''': O-okay, Mr. Spirit. There's just one thing I want to ask you! Everything's in the pits. Is the rest of my life going to be this unhappy? -->'''Harkonnen''': ... more or less.
to:
-->'''Seras''': O-okay, Mr. Spirit. There's just one thing I want to ask you! Everything's in the pits. Is the rest of my life going to be this unhappy? -->'''Harkonnen''': ...unhappy?\\ '''Harkonnen''': ... more or less.

--->'''Heinkel''': What are we doing? How did she rope us all into this? --->'''Yumie''': This is terrible! Bishop Maxwell is going to be so angry. --->'''Heinkel''': You know, we have sorta taken her into custody. Figuratively. --->'''Yumie''': Please, he's not gonna buy it. --->'''Heinkel''': SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!
to:
--->'''Heinkel''': What are we doing? How did she rope us all into this? --->'''Yumie''': this?\\ '''Yumie''': This is terrible! Bishop Maxwell is going to be so angry. --->'''Heinkel''': angry.\\ '''Heinkel''': You know, we have sorta taken her into custody. Figuratively. --->'''Yumie''': Figuratively.\\ '''Yumie''': Please, he's not gonna buy it. --->'''Heinkel''': it.\\ '''Heinkel''': SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!

-->'''Merc #1''':"Tell those assholes they're supposed to bomb the OTHER GUYS!" -->'''Merc #2''':"Inbred motherfuckers don't give a shit. They got a dozen sisters at home to knock up." -->'''Merc #3''':"That's not bad. It works out to, like, two a day if you don't count Sundays."
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-->'''Merc #1''':"Tell #1:''' Tell those assholes they're supposed to bomb the OTHER GUYS!" -->'''Merc #2''':"Inbred GUYS!\\ '''Merc #2:''' Inbred motherfuckers don't give a shit. They got a dozen sisters at home to knock up." -->'''Merc #3''':"That's \\ '''Merc #3:''' That's not bad. It works out to, like, two a day if you don't count Sundays."
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