Funny / Clerks II

• The opening scene. Dante goes in to open the Quick Stop, assuming it's going to be an ordinary day. He pulls up the metal shutters to find... the inside of the store is on fire! Dante promptly slams the shutters closed, looks around, then pulls the shutters up to confirm that, yes, the inside of the store really is on fire.
  • And everything but the fire is in black and white.
  • Randal, completely zoned out, walks right past the firefighters and into the burned-out store. After they shoo him out and he sits down with Dante:
    Randal: Terrorists?
    (Dante shoots him a look)
    Randal: I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?
    (Dante just nods slowly)
    Randal: Shit! Now where am I supposed to bring chicks to fuck when my mom's home?
• A woman, Emma, sees the words "Eat Pussy" spray painted outside the restaurant Dante and Randal work at and she just shakes her head in disbelief. Jay's reaction to the woman:

  Jay: (looks at the spray painted words on the wall and then at Emma) We totally do.

• The Pillow Pants scene. When Randal suffers from Sarcasm Failure, you've successfully crossed a line. And then the punchline...
  Randal: ...have you and Myra even kissed yet?
  Elias: We would have already if it wasn't for Listerfiend.
  Randal: (Beat) Listerfiend is her Mouth Troll, isn't it?
  Elias: (Shakes his head with a frown) Women.
• Jay mugging for the camera, putting on Chapstick, while "Goodbye Horses" plays.
  Jay: Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me ''hard''.
  • The excited little "Oh!" he gives when Silent Bob puts the music on.
  • In the DVD deleted scenes, there is an extended version of this scene. The funny part is the comment at the beginning from Kevin Smith saying they didn't want to pay the $18,000 to include "Goodbye Horses" in the deleted scene, so the viewer should pretend they are hearing the song.
• A real life, behind-the-scenes example: Jeff Anderson told the story on the DVD commentary of how he was staying during filming at a place that appears briefly in the background across the street, and sometimes after a long day he would end up unknowingly trudging back there with the "Porch Monkey 4 Life" shirt still on, thinking to himself how people in that neighborhood sure do like to throw a lot of bottles for some reason or other.
  • Another one from the commentary: Kevin Smith was talking about the different actresses he considered casting as Becky, which included Sarah Silverman, who allegedly said "Let me play Randal and I'll do it for free."
• Randal taunting Elias by talking about "...the Beast we call the Desolate One! The First of the Fallen, the Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions! (grabs mike) ''Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!!!''"
  Jay: GRANDMA! (climbs through drive-thru window) WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO BE ON THAT HOLIDAY SITE?!
  • Elias's pratfall from trying to run away with the drive-through headphones still on.
  • The deleted scene right after is also great, where Randall shoos Jay from behind the counter in a simple deadpan manner worthy of Leslie Nielsen himself.
• Randall acting out the The Lord of the Rings movies, especially the little shrug he does at the end.
  • "Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the "Rings" out of this!"
  • The entire The Lord of the Rings vs. Star Wars debate between Randal and Elias and a Lord of the Rings fanboy customer. Randal actually makes fun of the Rings so cruelly that the customer throws up.
  • The fact that said Rings fan is played by the rather macho-looking Kevin Weisman and, for a second, looks like he could make good on his threat to kick Randal's ass. It makes what ultimately does him in all the more hilarious.
• Elias gets drunk at Dante's going-away party. Hilarity Ensues.
  • "I'm sorry, Jesus!"
  • (while staggering around in his underwear) "WOOOOO I LOVE PUSSY AND BEER!!!"
• After asking Jay and Silent Bob to cover their ears near the end of the movie, we get this exchange. Also a Heartwarming Moment.
  Randal: (to Dante) You're my best friend, and I love you... in a totally heterosexual way.
  Jay: Yeah, right.
• And, of course, the infamous Refuge in Audacity scenes .- the "Porch Monkey" bit, alongside the "Interspecies Erotica" scene.
  • When Randal finds out that Kelly is the donkey and The Bear is the "sexy stud":
    Randal: Uh... due to some nomenclature confusion... there's not going to be any chick.
    Jay: Well, then who the fuck's gonna blow the donkey?
    (pause, then cue Mass "Oh, Crap!")
    • "Kelly can be a guy's name, too! Hey!"
  • Wanda Sykes and Earthquake's entirely adlibbed exchanges as the husband and wife during the "Porch Monkey" bit, where they discuss the meaning of "cock stain," whether or not it's something they'd like to try and why there aren't Mexicans working behind the counter.
    Black woman: I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hatemonger!
    Black man: I will! Baby, you can't taste racism!
  • A civilized discussion on racial slurs:
    Randal: Since when was it a crime to say "porch monkeys"?
    Becky: Oh, I don't know, since forever?!
    Randal: Why?
    Dante: Because "porch monkey" is a racial slur against black people!
    Randal: No, it's not! "Nigger" is!
    Dante: (understandably offended) RANDAL!!
    Elias: Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
    Becky: Shut up, Elias!
    • It's funnier because it sounds from Elias' tone of voice that he's either resigned to this type of stuff by now or just even stupider not to realize how what he said was offensive.
    • Also funny is that it's a fairly obscure slur- if you hadn't seen this movie, and you heard someone call you a "porch monkey", you'd likely think that's a bizarre insult.
    • It's revealed that Randal picked it up from his grandmother, who also told Randal to be nice to the Jewish kids or they'll put the "Sheeny curse" on him, which Randal thought was cute. He and Dante then argue about whether Randal's grandmother was racist or not, with Randal defending her on the grounds of "it's just how they talked back then", until he recalls his grandmother once referring to a broken beer bottle as a "nigger-knife", prompting a hilariously horrified facial expression from Dante. Randal then concedes that his grandmother was "kind of a racist".
      Dante: Ya think?!
    • The two Hispanic patrons who simply exchange a look while they're arguing and decide it's probably not worth eating here right now.
    • Randal's improvised "PORCH MONKEY 4 LIFE" shirt, which is basically the phrase spelled out in white tape on the back of his Mooby's shirt.
      • And Elias' that says "PORCH MONKEY IN TRAINING"
  • "Ooh, cake!"
    • "You wanna go out sometime?"
    • "I miss my donkey."
  • Elias isn't very good at making fries:
    Elias: (pulls out deep-fryer basket; it's covered in burnt to a crisp fries) I don't think these look right!
    Randal: JESUS! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!
• Jay moshing to King Diamond.
• "Wow, thanks Pickle fucker!"
  • "Yo, some pickle fucker gave us free eats!"
    • "This tastes like piss and flies, don't it?"
  • The alternate ending to the scene gives us this follow-up:
    Jay: Wow, thanks Picklefucker!
    Randal: How'd you know we call this guy "Picklefucker?"
    Jay: (confused) You do?
• When Dante tells Randall Becky is pregnant, he is too occupied playing with a deck of cards to care. When Dante tells him he is the father he drops his cards in shock, hitting a customer passing by causing him to front flip and fall over a table.
  • After the dancing scene, Dante is holding Becky as he tells her he loves her. When she tells him she's pregnant, he drops her in shock, then realizes and picks her up.
  • When Dante goes out back with Randall to tell the situation regarding Becky's pregnancy, Jay and Silent Bob are out back taking a piss. When Randall goes out, he accidentally slams the door open on Jay knocking him down. When Becky follows them outside she hits Jay, too, causing Jay to understandably yell "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
  • In the aftermath, an exasperated Dante is Tempting Fate by asking: "How the fuck could this day get any worse?" (Cue Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud arriving at the parking lot).
• The full version of Randal and Dante's "jerking off in the Mooby's bathroom" conversation in the deleted scenes (culminating in a twistedly hilarious incest speculation.)

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