Funny: Clerks

Funny moments from the film:

  • Dante and Veronica's argument about blowjobs.
    Dante: 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
    Customer: In a row?
    • And when Veronica storms off.
    Dante: Try not to suck any dicks on the way through the parking lot!
    Random man starts walking after her
    Dante: Hey! Hey you! Get back here!
  • Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter:
    Woman: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
    Randal: Yeah, what're you looking for?
    Woman: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
    Randal: Uh, once second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure they got it.
    Woman: 'Kay.
    Randal: What's it called again?
    Woman: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
    Little girl: Happy Scrappy!
    Woman: She loves it.
    Randal: Obviously. (into the phone) Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshiping Rim-Jobbers, My Cunt Needs Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns III, Cumming in Socks, Cum on Eileen, Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone II: The KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, oh, yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. (to the woman) Uh, what was that called again?
    • The story behind this scene is actually a CMOF in it of itself: reportedly, Jeff Anderson was uncomfortable saying some of these titles (this was before it was decided to shoot himself and the woman's reactions separately) and asked Kevin Smith to trim some of them down. Smith responded by adding three more.
  • Caitlin fucking the dead priest. She thought it was Dante.

Funny moments from the cartoon:

  • Dante and Randal's plan to discover Leonardo's evil scheme by having Randal dress up as a rich widow and become Leonardo's fiance. Also, the fact that their entire plan is stolen from an episode of The Secret Diary Of Desmond Pfeiffer that's about the exact same thing.
    Randal: And I'll bet you're shocked to discover your beloved fiance is none other than I, Randal!
    Leonardo: I knew it all the time.
    Randal: Ew.
  • Episode 2:
    • Randal and a British customer's confusion over the word "fag."
      Customer: Pack of fags?
      Randal: You're a fag!
      Customer: It's a cigarette, mate.
      Randal: I'm not your mate, fag!
      (Randal jumps from behind the counter and attacks the customer)
      • Immediately followed up with this scene:
    Dante: Boy, it wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" really meant, heh, right mate?
    Randal: You're a fag!
    Dante: No, uh — a fag's a cigarette, remember?
    Randal: You're a cigarette!
    • This dialogue:
    Woman: (holding the rented video) It's 3am, my baby has been home alone since yesterday morning. Where have you been?
    Randal: Sorry, we're closed.
    (pushed the woman out)
    Woman: But I--
    (Randal closes the door and locks it. He accidentally breaks the key in the lock.)
    Randal: Uh oh, the key broke.
    Dante: We're locked in? Again?!
    (Dante and Randal bang the door)
    Randal: Hello?! Anyone out there?! Lady with the dead baby?!
    (the customers have already left)
  • Episode 3:
    • "Will this administration ever bring the Hamburglar to justice?"
      • No— Yes— I mean, are there any questions about the deadly virus?!
      • Could the virus kill the Grimace?
      • Nothing can kill the Grimace.
    • Jay & Silent Bob are passing the time by breathing in helium-like gas.
    (Jay takes a deep breath, and speaks in a squeaky chipmunk voice.)
    Jay: Be good! Phone home!
    (Silent Bob breathes in, and characteristically remains silent.)
    Jay: ...It's only funny when you talk, stupid.
  • Episode 4:
    • Randal wants to work Dante's opening shift:
    "If I can dress myself, I'm sure I can open the Quick Stop." *gets out of car, revealing he's still in his boxers*
    "Call me if you have any problems."
    "Please. It'll be as simple as driving a car." *gets into driver's seat, drives offscreen* "WHERE ARE MY PANTS?!" *CRASH*
    • Later in that same episode:
    Customer: I'M GONNA BURN THIS PLACE INTO THE GROUND! AND PEE-PEE ON THE ASHES!!
    Dante: Who's that?
    Randal: That's Regis.
    • Big American Party! That entire sequence.
      • "Who is driving? OHMIGOD BEAR IS DRIVING HOW CAN THAT BE?"
    • The JFK parody.
    Randal: Are you the man I'm supposed to see?
    X: You can call me "X". I was in Black Ops, '61 to '63. Covert stuff involving the C.I.A. and donkey shows. All of it illegal, all of it very... EROTIC. What I'm gonna tell you is strictly top secret.
    Randal: You know who's behind all this?
    X: You're asking the wrong questions. The "who" and "what" are scenery. Ask the big one: "Why?" Why did they want this man tried? (footage of Jay being shot like JFK is shown) Why is this sending shock waves through the corridors of power in Washington? Who benefits?
    Randal: You said not to ask "who."
    X: Just this once is okay.
    Randal: So what does this have to do with Dante and the Quick Stop?
    X: Dante? Quick Stop? Well, you see... (abruptly runs away)
  • In Episode 5, after Randal's bottle miraculously makes it across the world to Dante, we have this exchange:
    Dante: We did it! We're on our way to the Little League Championship!
    Kid: Mr. Dante, there's a paper in this bottle.
    Dante: Then throw it out!
    (The kid shrugs and throws the bottle in a dumpster)
    • This dialogue:
    Randal: (getting whipped) Ow! Dante is gonna come. Ow! Dante is gonna come. Ow!
    (Dante, Jay, and the kids in a conga line)
    Dante: We're still going to the Little League Championship!
  • And of course, all the customers in the last episode, coming into the Quick Stop to talk about the bizarre things happening at the fair across the street. The highlight being Jay and Silent Bob, who periodically come in to complain how much the fair sucks, while clearly having the time of their lives there... and report on Caitlin's sexual exploits to an increasingly frustrated Dante. It culminates in this:
    Jay: Let's get back to the sucky fair, Silent Bob. I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick's kissing booth.
    Dante: What?! Caitlin has a kissing booth? Like for charity?
    Jay: Yeah — only it don't cost nothing and it's not for charity.
    *Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*
    Jay: And there's no booth.
    *Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*
    Jay: And there's more than just kissing.
    *Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*
    Jay: And you don't have to be a guy.
    *Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter*
    Jay: Dude, she's cheating on you.
    *Jay and Silent Bob exit*
    Randal: So much for Dante & Caitlyn 2: Electric Boogaloo.
    Dante: I think I hate her.
    • What's also funny about that scene, is the fact Silent Bob enters with Jay without saying anything.