- Michael's pursuers in Nigeria ("Pilot") crash their car in a back alley trying to keep up with him. They get a thicket of guns pointed at them. The look on one thug's face when he realizes that they're completely outgunned is priceless.
- Michael carjacking a guy at gunpoint - and then criticizing how the man's visor keeps dropping in his face.
Michael: [who has implied he's about to crash the man's car with them in it] You need to get this fixed. This is really annoying.
- Sam's expression in 1x03 after the car exploded.
- Pretty much any of Sam's "freaked-out" expressions. Another hilarious one is his face when the boat blows up behind him and Michael in the season one finale, which is captured in glorious repeats by the credits. Michael is all intensity and focus, while Sam, played by a revered B-movie actor with absolutely nothing to lose and a fondness for overacting, pinwheels his arms and contorts his face in all sorts of hilarious ways.
- In Season 1's episode 'Fight or Flight', Nate has to remove a bullet from inside Michael's back. After Nate's finished, he slaps Michael right over the wound. Michael's eyes pop open and you can barely hear him struggle to hold down a scream.
- In 1x07, Michael is playing a psycho thug as part of a job and tries to steal Fiona's bag. She just glares at him until he whispers, "Fi, sell it!" At which point she screams bloody murder and punches him repeatedly in the face as he tries to get her purse away from her. Keep in mind Michael is holding a gun on her.
- Her expression immediately before she screams is also rather hilarious.
- Michael has to sell the belief that a bigger, badder psycho is tearing up Ernie's neighbourhood. His first way of achieving this? Tearing up Ernie's store. He uses a baseball bat to smash the counters — but when he chances upon a flower vase he hesitates before tipping it over, almost lightly. Ernie rolls his eyes at this. After Mike leaves, Ernie shakes his head in exasperation.
- In 1x08, Wanted Man, Michael asks Sam to get his cop buddies to run down a phone number. Sam asks Mike to pay his bar tab. Then they just sit there on opposite sides of Michael's loft waving little pieces of paper at each other.
- The B-Plot of "Hard Bargain" (1x09): Mike tries to get a DC bureaucrat to hear out his case. After carefully testing him to make sure he's actually a bureaucrat and not an assassin, Mike finally meets with him. Turns out he's an assassin. One good enough to garrote Mike and counter all of his counters.
Mike: (surprised, while being choked) Wow, you're good!
- From the first season finale, Nate's reason for refusing to leave Michael to handle the situation alone? If Michael dies, their mom will be on his ass forever.
- In 2x02, "Turn and Burn":
Mike: If we can't make Raul look like a traitor one way, we'll have to do it another way. Fi, get me a sniper rifle and some C4.
Fiona: I like where this is going!
- Everything about Fiona tasering Ivan the human trafficker in season 2. First we have Ivan grabbing onto Fi's leg before she can use the stun gun, thinking that because she'll be shocked too if he's holding onto her she wouldn't do it. When Fi responds with a savage smile and tells Ivan that she loves this game, his expression is priceless. Later we have Sam and Mike asking Fi if she's okay, and she responds by saying that she rather liked it and that a few thousand volts does a great job of clearing the mind. Mike and Sam have no response for that one. At all. And lastly, there's a bit that just has to be quoted:
Michael: How's our friend Ivan behaving?
Fiona: Like an altar boy. He even asked me to use the stun gun on him again.
Michael: [beat] He asked you.... with a gag in his mouth?
Fiona: Oh, he has expressive eyes.
Maddie: Do you know what his first word was? It was 'Michael'.
Michael: It was 'juice'. I was there. His first word was 'juice'.
Maddie: Well he was looking right at you when he said it! You know what he meant!
- In "Trust Me" Michael steals some documents from the Pakistani consulate to act as a MacGuffin so he can get some information on Carla from the ISI, leaving a message in Urdu on the manila folder for the chief of security to meet him at the Carlito. When the chief arrives:
- "Double Booked" (2x08). Any time Sam and Michael discuss Larry, as in this example:
Sam: "Just checking in?" He's got a weird thing for you.
Michael: That's 'cause he doesn't have any friends.
Sam: That's because he's killed most of them, Mike.
- An episode in seaon 2 has Michael trying to escape his pursuer in a motorcycle chase. He loses them by sliding under a tractor trailer that's blocking the road. He gets back up, smiles at a dumbfounded Carla (a smile that puts the trollface to shame), and drives away. Considering Michael's default personality is the stoic, this was a nice touch.
- In season 2, episode 10, Madeline walks out of the room on Michael with a distinctive unimpressed toss of her head. At the end of that scene, Fiona does the exact same gesture; this freaks Michael out so much that he stares, wide-eyed, directly at the camera as if asking the audience "Did that just happen? Did you see it too? Holy crap."
- In the same episode, Carla is waiting for Michael when he returns to his apartment, and is helping herself to some of his yogurt. Michael then casually mentions he that he has taken to poisoning his yogurt just in case she ever ate any of it. She stops and looks at him, and you can tell she's a little unsure. Michael then teases her that, though she probably knows he's kidding, there's still that chance, isn't there? Carla is noticeably subdued for the rest of the conversation, and stops eating. Then Michael starts eating the yogurt she put down.
- In 2x12, Fiona picks up a guy in the bar and tries to drug him in his room so she can bug his phone. Unfortunately, he's more interested in her than the booze, so she resorts to glassing him. He shrugs off the first bottle. As Sam tries to break down the door, she knees him in the crotch and hits him again with another bottle, which knocks him out. Sam is still trying to break in while she bugs his phone, steals his wallet to cover up, and calmly leaves the room.
- In the intro of 2x13, Sam objects to Michael shmoozing Barry with a free lunch at a high-class restaurant when Michael never does that for Sam.
Michael: There's no need, Sam. You'll do almost anything for a three-dollar beer.
- Minutes later, Bly shows up and comments that Sam is living well off a government pension.
Sam: [glumly] Not that well, this is iced tea.
- In 2x14 Sam brings Michael a large fish that he caught while out on a trip with one of his many buddies that he was getting information from, dropping it in the sink.
Michael: Fi knows some people who make extra-special travel arrangements. I'm supposed to meet her at the Carlito for lunch. (Short pause as the two look at the fish in the sink) Bring the fish. Maybe they'll cook it for you.
- Michael's ex-fiancee Samantha shows up out of the blue.
Sam: (Laughing nervously) So, another Sam. This is gonna be confusing, huh.
Madeleine: Have you ever been secretly engaged to my son?
- Michael has another verbal spar with Carla in the back of a car alongside a suited and sunglassed Mook who hasn't said a word.
Carla: Remember there are worse things than being blacklisted.
Michael: Oh, I know. [jerks his head at the mook] I could be this guy.
- In 'Question and Answer', there's Fiona teaching her relaxation technique to the mother of a kidnapped child.
Fiona: (In a perfectly calm, soothing voice) Now I want you to close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Picture a peaceful mountain stream. Can you do that? Now picture yourself drowning the kidnapper in the stream. You're taking a rock from the stream, and raising above your head-
Fiona: -and with tremendous force, you're bringing-
(Fiona stops talking)
- This episode takes place on Michael's birthday, and at a party his mother threw him (dinner for the four of them), Michael is passed a piece of cake.
: (Takes a bite with a big smile) [Beat]
Did you make this?
: Do you like it? I wanted this to be special, so I cooked!
- Any time Maddie cooks or bakes and gives it to someone they usually only take one bite and then either swallow and change the subject or sneakily spit it out so that she doesn't see, if they eat it at all.
- Ep 3X04 "Fearless Leader"
- When Detective Paxton stops Mike from providing back up to Fiona on a "muscle job" to get money from a debtor.
Michael: I'm just here to pick up a friend from a poker game, she consumed an alcoholic beverage and I offered to give her a ride.
Cue Fi smashing the window with a chair after her "talk" goes south and running out with armed men following.
Michael: (Looking up as Fi runs) She may have consumed two alcoholic beverages.
- Sam's IRS audit, first he thinks that his auditor is a woman due to his name: "Stacey Conolly", and sets up an attempt to seduce "her" with pink fruity drinks and a festive restaurant, the man was not amused. Then later at one of their follow up meetings where Sam's only "documentation" of his time in the middle east is a gun he got from "a guy his unit was targeting"
Stacey: So you stole it.
Sam: Oh, I didn't steal it. The guy, um ... he was done with it.
Stacey: So it was a gift.
Sam: It's not a gift. There was this thing... and then... the gun didn't have an owner anymore. (Uses a hand gesture and gives a "get it?" look.)
Stacey: (Beat) ...I'm-I'm just gonna mark that as a "windfall income".
- In the ending of "Signals and Codes":
Spencer: You'd better bring backup. That bitch is an alien!
- And in the same episode:
Spencer: I have to go. They're after me.
Sam: (Sarcastically) The aliens?
Spencer: No. The cops. I broke out of a mental institution. Weren't you listening?
- From the same episode:
- Really, Spencer is just a walking, talking funny moment all by himself.
- In "The Hunter," Beck keeps whining and complaining about Michael's plan to keep them alive. Finally, when Michael asks for his shoelaces, he's had enough. He pulls a gun. "Why don't we listen to the guy with the gun for a change?" So Michael grabs his gun and points at back at him. "OK. Now give me your shoelaces."
- From the same episode, Madeline's "cigarette interrogation technique." To explain: Maddie interrogates a mook in her garage while Sam and Fi scream about tactics in the kitchen. Maddie's absolutely calm demeanor and kindness while telling the mook not to worry because "I've never seen them make anyone suffer. If they don't think you're gonna break, they'll end it quick... Are you sure you don't want a cigarette?" makes the whole thing absolutely hilarious. Especially when she walks back into the kitchen and hands Sam and Fi the info they need. "Well, are you going to rescue my son or am I going to have to do that, too?"
- If the assassination attempt in "Shot In The Dark", doesn't make you laugh, the ending will. In an attempt to convince their target, Erik Luna, that someone's trying to kill him so that he skips town, Michael and company rig themselves with squibs (the Hollywood method of faking bullet wounds) and pretend to get shot to death by unseen assassins. Each oversells the "death" in different, hilarious ways. There's also the earlier "parking lot" scene, where they turn the lights off and on, block Luna's cell phone reception, and generally have him peeing his pants in terror.
- "Nice acting, Shakespeare. You look like you got shot with a bow and arrow."
- For the ending, Erik's attempt to flee is countered when he is dragged by his mobster brother to show him the dead bodies, so the Power Trio quickly clean up and assume new cover IDs. The target is left screaming that the helpful priest (Michael), guy selling pineapples (Sam), and random attractive woman walking down the street (oh, guess) were not only really assassins, but were dead just a few hours ago. He gets dragged off to a mental hospital.
- And then, to top it off, as he's being dragged away, Michael winks. IT. IS. AWESOME.
- For some reason the way Michael glances up towards the sky for a split second during his priest impersonation always cracks me up.
- Perhaps because he's pretending to glance up at God and pray for Luna's soul... while maybe trying not to crack a smile.
- The brother does the same thing when Erik's in the car. I like to think he's rolling his eyes but I know he's not.
- Also, Michael punching the asshole father Erik in the stomach over and over as part of his cover ID.
- Hey, gang. We got firearms, and we got snacks.
- During the end, Michael and Joey (the son) are leaning against the car. After a few seconds Joey tries to imitate Mikey's exact pose.
- The episode when Michael, essentially, pretends to be Satan, by dressing as a Man of Wealth and Taste and seeming to make things explode with a snap of his fingers (really, pre-rigged with C-4).
- In a season 3 episode, Maddie wins an award for being a vigilant reporter of crimes (that Michael committed), and asks him to show up to the ceremony looking nice, wearing a tie. He agonizes about it for the whole episode, torn between being nice to his mother or avoiding police scrutiny (again, she won the award for reporting his crimes!). He does eventually show up, albeit reluctantly, in a clip-on tie, looking extremely uncomfortable. His mom is thankful, they reconcile again, and Maddie decides that the award is nice, but isn't important. Then:
Maddie: You can take the tie off now.
Michael: Thank you.
- In 3x13, Larry (yes, Dead Larry) shows up again, having gotten Michael into more trouble.
Michael: Larry, why is a hitman in my apartment?
Larry: Well I think Juan Doe here would have preferred the term "Sicario."
: Oh, the Navy's little sister?
That's a good choice. How you going to get in? [Michael grins at him]
Oh, don't give me that look!
Fiona: Michael, when you asked if you could come over, you did not mention Sam.
Sam: It's nothing I haven't seen before.
- While Sam and Michael are stashing the body, Fiona looks through the guy's wallet and comments that the guy wasn't an organ donor, in case anyone's feeling guilty.
- Team Westen taps the cameras in an apartment where several hitmen are hiding out and treat it like a telenovela, "Casa De Sicario." Fiona is eating popcorn while watching the feed at one point.
- The Cartel boss texts the (dead) hitman.
Michael: Looks like bossman's texting the dead guy.
Fiona: Is it coded?
Michael: Kind of. It's in Spanish. (Fiona gives him an irritated look) Look, if it were in Russian or Farsi, I - (Fiona grabs the phone.)
- In 3X14, "Partners In Crime", Sam is impersonating a CSI technician. And since it's Miami, expect Glasses Pull and puns each time he does. That is, twice.
- Later in the episode, Michael, undercover as an Ax-Crazy heroin smuggler, is (pretending) that he's about to kill the Villain of the Week. He shuts them both in the man's office, picking up one of those oddly-shaped awards and testing the point matter-of-factly before deeming it suitable for ventilating the guy. Then he switches to a letter opener.
- In 4x01:
- Mike gets back to Miami and finds Fiona loading several machine pistols. He's bundled into her car with little to no explanation and interrupts Sam and Fi arguing:
Michael: Guys. Guys. GUYS! I have a loaded machine pistol in my hand, and I have no idea what I'm doing!
Mike: Remember, we want to have a nice, polite conversation with him, after we kidnap him.
- In 4x02, Michael and Fiona have to infiltrate an office building for a job. Fiona uses spray paint to write a message on the wall to hide their break-in (the rationale: laid off employers returning to spell out their anger). The message: "Outsource this!"
- From 4x05, Fi and Michael get into a little argument quite demonstrative of some of the unique challenges to their relationship after Michael's telephone banter with the assassin they are hunting, after Fi had given Michael a little Death Glare.
Fiona: Someone's getting a little too flirty for his own good.
Michael: Fi, I'm trying to snatch Kendra off the street and tie her to a chair.
Fiona: You are not helping your cause.
Michael: This is just a harmless game of cat and mouse between me and a professional killer!
- Later they have a similar conversation
Fiona: I wish our phone calls were that flirty...
Michael: She threatened to kill me.
- In the same episode, the team is trying to get a drug gang to leave a clinic alone. The doctor in charge of the clinic is...less than confident about Michael's chances.
David: And you're just going to click your fingers and make them go away?
- Caught at a drug operation's surprise roadblock, Jessie mumbles something when a Mook wants to know why he's there. The irate Mook leans unwisely close to Jessie and demands he repeat himself. "Why do you want to lose your teeth?" says Jessie before knocking the goon flat.
- In "Where There's Smoke", Maddie, in helping Michael and Jesse scout a bank, ends up getting caught (part of the plan) but unexpectedly ends up getting taken to the bank office where she will be arrested and taken to jail. Michael and Jesse have a freak out moment about the situation - going from "They'll know everything!" to "We have to break her out of jail!". Cue Madeline doing a Stealth Hi/Bye beside their car and knocking on the window, then lighting a cigarette and demonstrating the fake tears she used to get past the bank guards.
- In "Past and Future Tense, the team is taking on a Russian wetwork team. Cue showdown:
He's Michael Westen! There are only four of us! (Note there was originally five but the Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain
mook was beat up and tied up for the second time in the episode)
- Then Paul Anderson shoots one of them and Michael yells at him.
Paul: Now you're telling me I can't shoot Russians when they invade Florida?
- Foreshadowed as early as the pilot episode where Michael's landlord discusses the theories the KGB had regarding Mike being too dangerous to be just one man, possibly multiple agents using the same name, or even a special team; and as such something of a bogeyman.
Oleg: The real Michael Westen, yes?
Oleg: Back home, your story Russian intelligence tells to scare. They say you are one name for many people. Special operations team. They think one person cannot make so much problems.
Michael: Nope. Just me.
- Earlier in the showdown, Michael has them at bay with one of their captured teammates in an explosive vest on a dead man's switch:
Vitaly: I kill Michael Weston, I am Russian hero.
: [holds up the dead man's switch]
There's a radio transmitter with a dead man's switch. Well in this case dead men. You shoot me, I drop this. [points at the captured man]
No more Alexi, [points at the team leader]
no more Vitaly, [points at an unnamed Mook]
no more...that guy. Now put your weapons down!
- After interrogating the captured Russian, the team finds out that Paul's the target and the name of the bar he works at.
Michael: Do you know where this bar is?
Sam: Uh, yeah. It's a bar. I'll drive.
- Michael protecting a federal witness from a Turkish assassin in "Center of the Storm" leads to this hilarious exchange:
(Michael breaks into the house of the witness, punches him in the face to disarm him, and then drags him and his girlfriend into the kitchen)
Bailey: Who are you?!
Michael: I'm Michael Westen. I'm here to save you people.
(The assassin bursts through the front door 5 seconds later)
Cole: Who are you?!
Michael: (looking mildly irritated) I'm Michael Westen! I'm here to save these people!
Cole: Thank you, Michael. Looks like I'm going to be able to collect the fee on this job after all.
Yeah, I am. [helps him up]
- FBI Agents Harris and Lane come by to thank Michael for saving Bailey - and their jobs. Despite the fact that the Bureau has no idea that Michael was the one who wrapped things up.
Harris: Can't really say we owe it all to a burned spy. Suppose we could scratch our names off our commendations and send them your way, if you'd like.
Michael: Save them, they make great paperweights.
- Fiona's Southern-fried girl persona in her jail visit with Michael in "Hard Time". Especially when she lunges across the table to Fake-Out Make-Out to pass Michael a lockpick.
- Fiona waking up Michael in "Eyes Open" by kicking him and having a familiar exchange:
Michael: Where am I?
- In season 4 episode 14:
- Maddie taking a picture of Nate and Michael in their cover IDs fancy suits. It's funny because anyone who has had a mother knows that's exactly what they would do.
- And then in the same episode, the look of sheer Oh Crap-ness on Michael's face when Maddie wants to 'talk to him alone' and then quietly threats him with a cigarette Eye Scream if Nate gets hurt.
- In the Season 4 finale, Fiona and Michael are pinned down by Vaughn's mooks with barely any ammunition left and a bomb they're planning to set off in the own laps. So, naturally, Fiona picks this time to razz Michael about his attempted Heroic Sacrifice.
Fiona: I am tired of you making all the decisions in this relationship!
- In "Mind Games," Nate is enthusiastically trying to convince Michael to convert the Charger into "a spy-mobile," with such fun gadgets as a smokescreen button on the dash. Michael's deadpan response: "You know what happens to smoke at 60 miles an hour, Nate? It dissipates."
- Then Nate asks Mike if he's leaving for a "super-secret spy meeting". Mike makes a shushing hand gesture. "Super secret." Scene cuts to... Michael and Fiona shopping for drapes.
- The client of the week mentions that as a loan shark is on her, she can't afford to pay them...unless Mike is willing to accept free yogurt. Nate grins, and there's a moment's pause.
- Followed by the two walking out of the shop with big containers of yogurt, Michael's piled high.
- Michael's dismay at tearing the sleeve of his tux when thrown out of a charity auction.
- And subsequent Oh, Crap! expression when asked if it was a rental.
- Sam gets unwillingly pulled into a job with Fiona and Jesse. He's less than pleased to find out that they made him drive all the way across town to take down a low-level operative. Then he sees the guy.
Somebody call the zoo, because a freaking grizzly just escaped.
- Jesse teasing Michael in "Square One" about the changes Fiona has made since moving into the loft, including a breadbasket and potpourri.
- In "Enemy of My Enemy" Jesse advertises his presence to one of Mike's targets by shooting his sniper rifle at said target. The target takes cover, and when the shooting stops, he looks back up to see Jessie shot a frowny face in the wall where his head had been.
- Jesse pretending to be a junkie.
- In "Better Halves," Michael and Fiona go undercover as a couple in Venezuela to find a bioweapons specialist and his wife.
- Fiona lampshades Michael's difficulty with relationships, considering he's managed to talk drug lords, mercenaries, and all sorts of other bad guys into doing what he wants.
- Michael bribes Fiona into going on the mission with him with half the discretionary fund the CIA supplied, and she accepts, saying she can add a new dress to her collection. Then she snags the other half and mentions she'll add some shoes, too. The dress meets an ignominious end when Michael has to tear the long, flowing skirt to create a Bedsheet Ladder.
- Scouting out their targets during a dance:
Michael: Shall we tango? [the two pull apart, and Michael gives Fiona an irritated look] Can I lead?
Fiona: Fine. Just this once.
- Sam's deadpan reaction to Anson in "Damned If You Do":
It's official. Guy's a dick.
- Jessie and Nate on a stakeout.
: We should have taken my car. At least I wouldn't have had to listen to 2 hours of Queen
Jessie: Now you're ragging on my playlist?
Nate: It's shriekey.
Jessie: If shriekey you mean angelic then I agree with you.
- Rebecca criticizing Michael for promising more than he can deliver:
Rebecca: "Yeah, why don't you just promise him a walk on the moon while you're at it?"
Sam: "Don't get him started. I don't have any buddies at NASA."
- Barry requesting Sam's help in 6x06, noting that if he gets caught, all of his files will be turned over as opposed to just the ones that will help Fi. This would mean that all of his clients would get arrested including Mike and Sam.
Sam: You said those tax shelters were perfectly legal!
Barry: What part of tax shelter sounds perfectly legal to you?!
- Of course, Sam is only helping Barry because Sam isn't being allowed to come along to apprehend Anson.
Pearce: If he's in the mix and we come up empty-handed again, every one of my bosses will line up to kick me.
: It's the Agency's loss. Sam is as good as I am. [beat]
And he accepts domestic beer as payment!
- Michael in 6x08, demonstrating some interesting mental gymnastics to explain pulling a weapon on an FBI agent, to appropriately disbelieving looks from Pearce, Sam and Fi:
Michael: I didn't threaten him. I asked him questions with a gun in my hand. A gun I have the right to legally carry.
- Jessie in the season 6 mid season finale the way he keeps drawing attention to the fact he has no shoes. Jessie: "No shoes, no shoes in Panama!"
- And then when they finish a semi-dangerous part of the plan, cut to a close up of the guys shoes and Jesse casually asking: "What size shoes do you think he has?"
- "Tibbs. They call me Señor Tibbs."
- Sam and Jesse are facing down an angry Central American drug lord and his private goons, and they've only got a few rounds of ammo left. Sam takes Casual Danger Dialogue to a whole new level:
Sam: (Jumps up, fires twice, and immediately ducks down again) Well, that was fun. I'm out.
- In "Desperate Measures", Michael and the team are stuck in Panama with the guy who killed Nate. Michael gets pinned down by some cartel gunmen, who shout at him in Spanish to drop his gun.
Michael: I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH!
- In the 2012 fall premere, Mike tosses Fiona a pair of C4 charges and points out two cars he wants her to blow up. "Big?" she asks regarding the explosion size. "Bigger," he answers, leading Fi to light up like a kid on Christmas morning.
- Another one happens near the end of the premiere when dealing with the bad guy of the episode:
- Michael: "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is" *boom* "and I'm from the department of" *boom*. Hilarious.
- Calvin Schmidt's nicknames for the team. "You two, Black George Clooney, and the Guy With The Chin..."
- Jesse gets the brunt of it, with everything from "Bald Man" to "Sinead O'Handsome".
- In the season six finale, Michael gets himself into a Mexican Stand Off with Riley, then forces her into another one with the Coast Guard while aboard a cartel kingpin's yacht.
Narrator!Michael: Most people don't think of the Coast Guard as particularly well armed. Most people are wrong.
- In "Nature of the Beast," Sam and Michael have to talk a drug lord (who wants to become an informant) into siding with them instead of MI-6. Michael suggests offering him a better deal.
: You sure that's gonna fly? Because he's been talking to our friends across the ditch for close to a year. Why would he jump ship now? (Pauses as Michael opens a massive case of cash in front of him)
- well, that's a start.
- Despite the massive Wham Episode that is "Tipping Point", it manages to have a few funny moments.
Strong: James and Sonya just lit us up. We're going to have to land.
Simon: Sorry to hear that. Um... buckle up?