Fanfic / Poisoned Blood

Poisoned Blood is a Percy Jackson and the Olympians Crack Fic by The_Plauge_Dragon.

Instead of just being a son of Poseidon, Percy, through a series of circumstances, is part-drakon due to the Lydian Drakon deciding to adopt him as his own son and infusing his own blood into him. Hijinks ensue as Percy enters a world in which ancient gods and monsters beyond his wildest dreams exist among humans.

Poisoned Blood provides examples of:

• Abled in the Adaptation:
  • The Oracle is simply an immortal old lady instead of a shriveled zombie thanks to Hades modifying his curse at the last moment with a blessing that keeps her alive until the Great Prophecy is fulfilled, with Thanatos slowing her aging down to a crawl as an additional perk.
  • Fem!Hephaestus receives surgery on her legs so she can walk without her crutches anymore.
• Adaptational Badass:
  • Thanks to Izzet binding Percy to him via blood transfusion, Percy possesses acidic blood and acid spit capable of melting through armor, the ability to enhance himself via poison, and the ability to partially transform himself with draconic features.
  • Annabeth's abilities as a werewolf grant her Nigh-Invulnerability to everything but silver and anti-divine weaponry as well as enhanced senses and stamina and a strong Healing Factor.
  • The Dares are a Badass Family who have spearheaded many initiatives to repair planet Earth of the damage it has sustained from human development, with Steven earning Demeter's love and the Dare patriarch unintentionally making himself a Chick Magnet for dryads and nymphs thanks to his efforts in restoring nature.
  • While Thalia Grace in Canon did demonstrates the ability to manipulate the Mist (with the open implication Chiron himself taught her), her control is much more powerful here considering that she's able to outright implant suggestions of her choice.
• Adaptational Curves: Downplayed with Clarisse, who has enough muscle on her to be more of an Amazonian Beauty
• Adaptation Relationship Overhaul: In canon, Thalia had no ill will towards the Hunters of Artemis and would later become their new leader after Zoe Nightshade's death. Here, she's not on good terms with any of them save Zoe (who she barely tolerates at best) ever since they tried forcing her and Annabeth to kill Luke after they ran afoul of a Hunter patrol that tried to recruit Thalia and Annabeth.
• Adaptational Early Appearance: Reyna from Heroes of Olympus shows up as one of Circe's attendants along with her older sister Hylla.
• Adaptational Intelligence: Tyson gets to demonstrate his skills as an Cyclops much more prominently, being a Gadgeteer Genius who helps overhaul the boiler of the Birmingham to handle rougher ocean waters.
• Adaptational Jerkass:
  • Zeus is far more of a dick than he ever was in canon and mythology, to the point that he employed Gabe to bring Percy to him and calls upon monsters to hinder his quest to retrieve his Master Bolt. As it turns out, part of that is because he's being influenced by his own father Kronos via Demonic Possession from one of the Titan's fragments.
  • Luke comes off as far pettier and crueler than canon, throwing away Hermes' apology letter without even looking at it and siccing a werewolf on Annabeth just to distract Percy.
• Adaptational Nice Guy:
  • Mr. D is a jovial and lively person who looks out for the demigods under his care in Camp Half-Blood instead of the condescending Jerkass from canon.
  • Clarisse is less of a Jerkass towards Percy since he earns her respect and even falls in love with him
  • The Lernean Hydra is a mostly-harmless Nice Guy who speaks in lolcat and likes being petted.
  • Hades is far less gloomy than he is in canon and is basically Percy's cool (if dorky) uncle who's best friends with him mom Sally.
  • Artemis has none of the misandry her mythological counterpart had, mostly due to Hermes and Hestia chewing her out after she turned Luke into a jackalope in the past and tried to kill him.
• Adaptational Heroism:
  • In canon, the Lydian Drakon was just another monster under the employ of Kronos who was later killed by Clarisse in The Last Olympian. This version is not only a loving father figure and husband, but also ends up getting employed as Camp Half-Blood's activities director when Chiron is fired.
  • Silena Beauregard never becomes Luke's spy within Camp Half-Blood since she reports his offer to the camp's staff after the Oracle warned her that Charlie Beckendorf would die from her actions if she did become one.
• Adaptation Name Change:
  • The Lydian Drakon named himself Izzet to blend in with human society after he ran into Percy as a kid and as a nod to his (technically) Turkish heritage.
  • The Lernean Hydra named himself Noodles just because he could.
• Adaptation Species Change: Annabeth is turned into a (thankfully harmless) werewolf after Nathan Bedford Forrest bit her in chapter 18.
• Adaptational Sexuality:
  • Clarisse and Annabeth are both bisexual in this continuity.
  • Annabeth's stepmom is stated to be bisexual by Hephaestus right before he genderbends himself into a girl.
• Adaptational Villainy:
  • Gabe Ugliano, who was just Percy's lousy stepfather in canon, kidnapped Percy to bring him to a person only known as "Greased Lightning" (aka Zeus) before Izzet came to the rescue.
  • The Council of Cloven Elders are a lot worse than they are in canon if them deliberately sending Grover on his own to find the Golden Fleece with the intent of him dying is of any indication.
• Age Lift: Percy will have to deal with the Great Prophecy in its full glory when he's 19, not 16.
• And I Must Scream: As Thalia describes to Percy, most men who get turned into animals by Artemis have their souls put into a trance as a result of the transformation process replacing their minds with those of an animal. Unfortunately for Luke, he kept his human mind even after Artemis turned him into a jackalope, and that meant he was well aware that he was completely defenseless while in that state, making it all the more horrifying.
• Animal Wrongs Group: According to Grover, rogue satyrs form "environmentalist groups" with the true aim of bringing about the downfall of Western civilization.
• Ape Shall Not Kill Ape: Averted in the case of Polyphemus, who has taken to eating his fellow cyclopes for lunch.
• The Atoner: Hermes deeply regrets not being their for Luke in his childhood, to the point that he asks Percy to help send him a 1000-word letter he wrote to him when Percy and the others embark on their quest for the Golden Fleece.
• Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: Quite a few of these instances occur given the setting.
  • Benjamin Franklin was a son of Hades who invented the lightning rod as a way to protect people from the wrath of Zeus whenever he wanted to have someone killed.
  • Abraham Lincoln was actually a son of Hades instead of a son of Zeus as demigod historians have believed him to be.
  • The Ku Klux Klan are made up of evil werewolves that include Nathan Bedford Forrest.
  • Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Winston Churchill were sons of Hades and Poseidon while Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin were sons of Zeus.
• The Berserker: A scratch from a keres claw inadvertently triggers Percy's draconic instincts, sending him into a frenzy against the keres horde living in Monster Donut.
• The Bet: As it turns out, the Ares and Hermes cabins were betting drachmas on Percy either getting laid with Clarisse, Annabeth, or both of them.
• Beware the Nice Ones: Silena's an all-around Nice Girl among the demigods of Camp Half-Blood... and also has a hell of a sharp tongue, which she demonstrates with her insults towards Luke and Kronos.
• Brain Bleach: Percy takes to slamming his head on one of Mount Olympus' pillars in an effort to forget that Zeus occasionally uses the Master Bolt as a sex toy.
• Closet Key: Clarisse and Annabeth come to realize that they actually like each other as they discuss their feelings towards Percy on the Birmingham.
• Clueless Chick-Magnet: Defied, Percy outright states that he's "not as dense as an anime protagonist" when Clarisse confesses her feelings for him.
• Cruel and Unusual Death: Percy ends up melting the face of one of Circe's attendants with his draconic acid spit during the escape from the island.
• Curb-Stomp Battle: Polyphemus doesn't even stand a chance against Percy, Annabeth, Clarisse, and Tyson during their confrontation, getting himself hobbled by Clarisse before Tyson punches through Polyphemus' eye, with Percy decapitating Polyphemus shortly after.
• Death by Adaptation:
  • Circe is killed by Percy during the breakout on her island, with the rest of it obliterated via nuclear cannonball after all the men she transformed into animals are exfiltrated from the island.
  • Polyphemus is killed by Clarisse, Tyson, and Percy after the latter three learn that he's a murderous cannibal.
  • May Castellan was killed by monsters instead of going crazy from trying and failing to take in the spirit of the Oracle.
• The Dreaded: The Fates are this to the gods due to their ability to destroy any deity if they choose to.
• Everyone Has Standards:
  • Hades is not pleased at Alecto jumping to the conclusion that Percy was the one who stole his helmet and the Master Bolt, reminding her that Percy didn't know about his divine parent yet and ordering her to stay put unless told otherwise.
  • Hermes is horrified to find out that Zeus was in charge of the trafficking ring Gabe was a part of as Greased Lightning.
  • Percy and Annabeth are very much disgusted after Chiron tells them that werewolves who are part of the Furry Fandom essentially become anthromorphic with a highly enhanced sex drive under the full moon.
  • One of the undead Confederates aboard the Birmingham was horrified to find out that Nathan Bedford Forrest was a werewolf who ate the dead bodies of the black soldiers he ordered his men to kill in the Fort Pillow Massacre while under his command and attempted to kill him with a bullet he made from some silver coins he had.
  • Izzet is creeped out by vore ever since Sally showed him info about it, stating that he does not want to deal with another monster like Medusa who enjoys getting digested.
• Eye Scream: Tyson tears out Polyphemus' eye after the rest of the group cripple him.
• Flipping the Bird: The Birmingham crew do this to the Sirens when they try and fail to tempt them with the Confederate States winning the American Civil War.
• Fluffy Tamer: Percy ends up taming the emperor pit scorpion that Luke summoned in his failed assassination attempt on him and names him Irwin.
• Freudian Excuse Is No Excuse: Luke's Motive Rant aboard the Princess Andromeda for joining Kronos is swiftly torn apart by Percy and Annabeth citing how one, his reasons are total bullshit, and two, none of them hate Olympus just because their godly parents weren't there for them.
• Gender Bender: Hephaestus changes himself into a woman after he's turned on by how Annabeth's father, Frederick, managed to recreate Celestial Bronze with nothing but sheer human ingenuity and science.
• Headdesk: Percy slams his head on one of Mount Olympus' pillars in exasperation after the Master Bolt tells him that Zeus occasionally used it as a sex toy.
• I Love You Because I Can't Control You: As Ares puts it, Death Glares are a surefire turn-on for his kids due to how they share his respect for displaying strength in other people.
• In Love with Your Carnage: Clarisse is aroused by Percy's massacre of the keres horde that was hiding at Monster Donut and straight up tells him how much she wants him to, in her own words, "bend me over and fuck me until I’m swollen with your children".
• In Spite of a Nail: Luke still works for Kronos even though his mother didn't go insane this time around.
• Lighter and Softer: Somewhat, considering how it's a humorous Crack Fic, but it has enough serious moments to keep it grounded.
• Masquerade Enforcer: Chiron informs Percy that monsters pretend to be teachers and suggest ADHD medication to make sure that demigods cannot perceive their true nature.
• Moral Event Horizon: In-Universe example. Percy lampshades how Luke "had to up the ante on ‘swan diving past the moral event horizon’" with his poisoning of Thalia right after he sicced a werewolf on Annabeth even though they were his best friends in childhood.
• My Instincts Are Showing: Annabeth briefly drools over Polyphemeus' sheep when the group reach his island thanks to her lupine instincts before Clarisse reminds her that the mission to retrieve the Golden Fleece comes first.
• Mythology Gag: Clarisse, a daughter of Ares, jokingly offers Izzet, who's the Lydian Drakon, a spear to stab his eyes out with after Silena calls Kronos Luke's "vore daddy", referencing how Clarisse impaled the Lydian Drakon's eye with a spear in The Last Olympian.
• Not So Above It All: While Chiron is mostly a wise and level-headed mentor figure for Camp Half-Blood's demigods, even he enjoys having fun with his wilder brethren in Florida.
• Old Shame: The crew of the CSS Birmingham are ashamed of their past support for slavery when they were alive and are happy to flip off the Sirens when they try to show them their deepest desires.
• Papa Wolf: Izzet is very much this for Percy, stopping at nothing to keep hostile monsters from attacking his adoptive son.
• Pass the Popcorn: The Fates are basically the peanut gallery for this story, constantly making jokes and humorous commentary on Percy's experiences.
• Polyamory:
  • In addition to his canon wife, Frederick Chase also marries Fem!Hephaestus and has kids with her.
  • Percy is currently in a relationship with Annabeth and Clarisse.
• Shout-Out: Percy states that he's the Dragonborn thanks to Izzet blood-binding him quite a few times when facing off against monsters.
  Percy: I'm the motherfucking Dovakhiin!
• There Is No Kill Like Overkill: After Percy and Annabeth defeat Circe and rescue the Ramirez-Arellano siters along with the men Circe captured in the past, Clarisse makes sure that Circe's island is wiped off the map for good by shelling it with cannonballs and Greek fire before obliterating it with a nuclear round.
• Time Dilation: The staff of the Lotus Hotel and Casino have a time-slowing generator in their building to make sure that every minute spent inside their establishment doesn't outpace events in the outside world, which comes in handy when Percy, Annabeth, and Grover are trapped in the Lotus Hotel by Ares.
• Too Much Information: Clarisse says this trope's acronym letter for letter (with an extra f-bomb for good measure) after Izzet informs everyone about how he's gotten used being ridden on with a saddle during the second dream-meeting of the Camp Half-Blood counselors.
  Izzet: I am impressed with the saddle. It was rather comfortable, and I shall request that, even if it’s not needed, that it be kept.
  Clarisse: Sir? Isn’t that… demeaning?
  Izzet: I’m used to being ridden on with a saddle.
  Percy: (Luminescent Blush) Oh gods no… that’s why…
  Izzet: Yes, son. That’s why.
  Clarisse: Tee Em Fucking Aye.
• Uncanny Valley: Percy sees his reflection in Circe's mirror as this because he knows that nobody can ever be perfect.
• Walking Shirtless Scene: Percy ends up losing his shirt after the raid on Circe's island, exposing his extremely defined physique and its draconic enhancements.
• Werebeast: Percy ends up transforming into a half-drakon thanks to his immune system filtering out the harmful effects of Circe's transformation potion while keeping its perks.
• Worthy Opponent: According to one of the undead Confederates on the Birmingham, the soldiers who were forced to take part in the Fort Pillow massacre had nothing but respect towards the black soldiers they had to kill on Forrest's orders for fighting to the bitter end even when faced with overwhelming odds.

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