Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz
is a strange Harry Potter fan fiction story about Hagrid and his heavy metal band. Once Grawp dies of a tumor, Hagrid fulfills his last wish by forming a heavy metal band with Ron, Luna, Hermione, Aragog, Dumbledore, and McGonagall. The band then does around the world using their Magic Tour Bus and... destroy every town they go to.
And while they are gone, Hogwarts has a slight problem that Harry, Malfoy, and Cho Chang need to take care of.
This work provides examples of:
- Artifact Title: Even though his name is in the title, Hagrid seems to have the least screen time devoted to him. Justified as the title is the band's name.
- Batman Can Breathe in Space: "If Batman can breathe in space, wizards can breathe underwater."
- Bestiality Is Depraved: Harry blames the zombie invasion of Hogwarts on Neville calling a "zombie sex line". Neville attempts to defend himself by saying he thought it was a zebra sex line.Cho: That doesn't make it better!
- Boob-Based Gag: Hermione's breasts can eat people. And talk.
- Butt-Monkey: Ron, big time.Luna: (after landing in Paris) Weren't we going to Darfur?Hagrid: Shut up, Ron!Ron: But I didn't...!
- Dark and Troubled Past: Played for Laughs; Sora and Riku have similar ones that involve their parents dying, being raised in a horrible abusive environment (stepfamily for Sora, lesbian biker gang for Riku), running off to join NAMBLA, and being part of the band. They decide that the stepfamily/lesbian biker gang was the least painful of the three.
- Dead Fic: It sadly hasn't been updated since 2012.
- Eats Babies: Aragog joins the band "for the bite-sized children."
- Epic Fail: During the band's gig in Gotham, the entire Bat family shows up to arrest them, as well as all the supervillains in attendance...but then they start arguing amongst themselves, allowing the band and the supervillains to escape. Except Catwoman, who just slow claps. Even better, Batman's comment afterwards implies this isn't the first time this has happened.
- Gratuitous Japanese: At Sailor Earth's request, Voldemort sings a love song, "with a lot of Japanese words".
- Irony: Ebony's flyer misspells "Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz" by spelling "schoolgirls" correctly.
- Katanas Are Just Better:Cho grabbed a crossbow, a Magnum Pistol, and a katana, because katanas are just better
- No Indoor Voice: Hargid in particular, but there is much screamed dialogue in this fic.
- Person of Mass Destruction: Any place the band plays a gig at will likely get destroyed somehow. NAMBLA is disbanded due to all the boys growing up thanks to rock n' roll, the population of New Orleans is electrocuted by the band's equipment since the city is underwater, Ireland blows up, France is destroyed by a reality tear caused by Ron having sex, Fanfic is destroyed along with 75% of the world's Mary Sues, and Gotham City...is spared, though the band does end up wanted by the Justice League. Hipsterville is also undamaged for now.
- Racist Grandma: McGonagall. The writers acknowledge (in-story) that she has a lot of depth in the novels, but they thought it would be more fun to write her as a jerk/racist. Later, she is forced to become the new Mrs. Frizzle... for a group of elementary-age black children.
- Refuge in Audacity: At one of its tamer moments, Snape takes advantage of the zombie outbreak by getting it on with a zombified Lily.
- Relax-o-Vision: "Aragog had to make an example of Ron. Use your imagination, because if I said what he did, I would be banned from every nook and cranny on the internet. Yes, even /b/."
- Remember the New Guy?: Apparently, Dobby was in the band since day one. But no one really cares when he dies.
- Running Gag:
- People mistaking Aragog for various bugs and crabs.
- Ron having rabies. Aragog gets sick of the joke and sucks the rabies out of him.
- Shout-Out:
- Luna steals two boys from a NAMBLA meeting. Their names are Sora and Riku.
- Draco says they should go to Pigfarts to escape the zombies. Harry scoffs at the idea... and then kills Rose Potter.
- Hermione's response to being replaced as manager by a random mystery woman?
Hermione: I'mma start my own band! And we'll have blackjack! And strippers! In fact, forget the band!- The song "My Old Manager's A Bitch" is
rather similar to the Grinch song. - Hermione mentions that Bloody Gothic Rose 666 is touring in California, so they can't go there too.
- The Reveal: The mystery woman who becomes the band's manager is Pocahontas, and she wants the band to keep doing gigs and destroying places instead of solving Hogwarts' zombie issue. Unfortunately, the author has not updated since this reveal.
- Troperiffic: Invoked, as the author wants this work to have a TV Tropes page.
- Zombie Apocalypse: Harry, Draco, and Cho end up having to deal with one back at Hogwarts.
