Characters / The Intercontinental Union of Disgusting Characters
A list of the actual AD&D Character Sheets for many of the characters in these stories can be found here.
Babies Ever After: He fathered two successive families, one of which didn't even feature kids that raised themselves.
The Bait: When Omnion wants to draw Sick Sword out into the open. Involves torture via Vogon poetry.
Breakout Character: Before the author began writing the first story, his characters were just AD&D characters. Ringman was the lesser of his two paladins: Lower ability scores, less magic treasure, and one experience level lower, than Peter Perfect. In essence, the first scene in the first story was the author's excuse for transferring Prometheus from his lesser paladin to his more powerful paladin. But in the process, Ringman became the ultimate foil for all the munchkinism going on around him, and eventually entered the limelight.
Healing Hands: But only once a day, per the paladin rules. He uses this to aid his rallied militia against a zombie invasion, and again on Danny under potentially disturbing circumstances.
The Hero: Ringman finally becomes this in the 3rd story. Even though he's still the weakest character by far, and has to have his life saved repeatedly by his offspring.
Incorruptible Pure Pureness: He'll never take unfair advantage of the rules, even if it means being a wimpy 9th-level by-the-book paladin for the rest of his life.
The Lancer: To Sick Sword in the 1st story, and to his daughters in the 2nd.
Lawful Good: For real, unlike a certain other paladin mentioned below.
Loved I Not Honor More: After living an idyllic life of semi-retirement with his wife Izabella, Tiamat decides to crash the party. His wife is flabbergasted that he'd throw away his life fighting a dragon he couldn't possibly beat. His response:
"You knew when you married me that I am, first and foremost, a paladin. That means I have a duty to protect my village from evil. We were lucky; over the eighteen years since I've been here, no invaders attacked. But now our luck's run out. And now, this paladin almost literally has to march into hell for a heavenly cause."
Wierd Dough: "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go mug a centaur and take his four one-million-gold-piece gems!"
Peter Perfect: "Kill a centaur and take his four 1 000 000 g.p. gems."
De-Power: At the end of the first book, the anti-disgusting characters strip him (and the rest of the IUDC hangers-on) of all psionic powers. Now he's just a plain old non-psionic 20th level paladin with a sentient holy sword, three artifacts, and about fifty other magic items. He gets his psionics back in the 3rd book, thanks to the big Rules Change.
Horse of a Different Color: As of 2nd Edition, a paladin's warhorse doesn't have to be an actual horse. Peter Perfect takes full advantage of this clause.
Tautological Templar: He's a paladin, so anything he does must automatically be lawful and good. Conversely, if Ringman doesn't do what Peter Perfect would, this is proof that Ringman isn't a True Paladin.
"Whoo!" the longsword cheered. "Man, did that ever feel good! We oughta hack something up like that every day!"
Even a Blood Knight Has Standards: Even Prometheus, who can never resist an opportunity to hack something to death, refuses to annihilate Ringman's soul. It accomplishes this refusal, over Peter Perfect's objections, by going limp.
Hollywood Dateless: She has an 18 Charisma and knows how to dress to impress, yet she doesn't have a boyfriend because she's "too feisty for most" guys.
Ms. Fanservice: Paticularly when she appears in another plane totally naked, and later gets her clothes burned off by a fire-breathing dragon. If you've got an 18 Charisma, you might as well flaunt it.
She Who Fights Monsters: In order to defeat the Intercontinental Union of Disgusting Characters, Sick Sword had to become disgusting herself.
A Hell of a Time: She dies and goes to hell, and her unspeakably horrific punishment is ... to do laundry. True, she's surrounded by searing hellfire, but she's got so much fire resistance she hardly notices it.
Lawful Evil: It was the only alignment not already spoken for at the time.
Ice-Cream Koan: Practically every line he utters. He even uses it as a weapon against Rango during the penultimate battle in the 1st story:
Koenieg had been spouting Zen Druid Bhuddism to Rango continuously under his hail of 25 ineffective sword hacks, and evidently it was getting to him. Upon telepathically hearing 'One to change it and one not to change it' for the twelfth time, Rango threw down his weapons, threw up his arms, and cried, "No more! No more! Get this tree brain away from me! AAaaagghh!"
The Call Knows Where You Live: He became an adventurer only because his parents got turned into zombies. His gaining straight 18s in all stats, and instantly jumping to experience level 5, were partly due to Ridiculous Sword's conniving.
Little Jimmy: At least at first. Then his parents turn into zombies and he gets disgusting characterhood rammed down his gullet.
Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: Some 1st and 2nd Edition humans are satisfied with being a Character With Two Classes. Not Unbelievable Sword. He's a Character With Thirty-Two Classes.note Assassin, Monk, Druid, Barbarian, Oriental Barbarian, Bushi, Fighter, Thief, Bard, Wu Jen, Thief-Acrobat, Sohei/Ninja, Cleric, Illusionist, Abjurer, Conjurer, Diviner, Enchanter, Necromancer, Transmuter, Invoker, Weapons Master (a fake class made up entirely for the IUDC stories), Yakuza, Ranger, Shukenja, Cavalier, Anti-Barbarian (identical to a Barbarian except lawful instead of chaotic), Kensai, Paladin, Samurai, and Magic-User. This gets cut down to a paltry 18 classes when the pure Second Edition Revised rules are imposed.
Black Sheep: Though not nearly to the extent of Gross Sword.