The characters of the film The Hairy Bird.
Odette “Odie” Sinclair (Gaby Hoffmann)
"Up your ziggy with a wah-wah brush!"
- Deadpan Snarker: Odie's snark is what impresses her roommates Verena and Tinka and leads them to invite her to join the D.A.R.
- Future Badass: An outspoken young woman who is passionate about politics.
- Hormone-Addled Teenager: Plots to lose her virginity to boyfriend Dennis.
- New Transfer Student who has difficulty adjusting to Miss Godard’s.
- Nice Mean And In Between: Can snark back at Abby and her roommates, but is not opposed to a merger with St. Ambrose, a stance that is subverted.
Verena Von Stefan (Kirsten Dunst)
"You all want to sell out the school because you’re horny!!!"
- Deadpan Snarker:Verena: Yes, he's a good lecher — I mean, teacher.
- Does Not Like Men:Verena: [in response to Odie’s desire to lose her virginity to her boyfriend] Your great ambition is to lay with your legs up in the air like a bug?
- High-School Hustler: Verena gets her cigarettes through one of the school’s cooks. Through this connection she is also able to get empty liquor bottles to use for her big plan.
- Rebellious Spirit: Odie is more practical about handling the news of a possible merger between Miss Godard’s and St. Ambrose, urging Verena to tell the student body so the school can have a dialogue about the merger. Verena, however, chooses the much messier route of sabotaging the St. Ambrose boys to make them look bad.
Miss McVane (Lynn Redgrave)
- Miss Godard’s headmistress who turns out to have a heart of gold.
- Deadpan Snarker: When the St. Ambrose boys’ bus shows up at her school’s campus, Miss McVane sarcastically quips, “The master race has arrived.” This expands to her conversations with Mr. Armstrong, the St. Ambrose headmaster.Mr. Armstrong: What an exceptionally attractive group of young ladies.Miss McVane: [dryly] Mm. Won't they look good on the cover of your brochure.Mr. Armstrong: [winks goodnaturedly] Yes, it should help enrollment.Miss McVane: We could redesign their uniforms. Shorter skirts, plunging necklines....Mr. Armstrong: [uncomfortably] Ah, ha, ha, ha!
- Passing the Torch: Miss McVane tells Verena, "Don't stop the fight. Wherever you go...don't give up."
Abigail “Abby” Sawyer (Rachael Leigh Cook)
"Odie, you're supposed to wear the school blazer on all trips into the ville. Didn't you know that?"
- Teacher's Pet: Abby rats on other students for breaking school rules like skipping school and violating the dress code.
- Heel–Face Turn: In a big way.
- Lonely at the Top: Fed up with being the butt of her peers' derision, Abby sobs that sometimes she just wants to rip off her stars and be like everyone else.
- Wears a Yellow Sash of Power to display her authority as a member of the student council.
Tinka Parker (Monica Keena)
"Whoo! This is the best thing to happen since Midol! Boys, boys, boys —"
- Drama Queen: Literal. An aspiring actress, Tinka is active in school plays.
- Everyone Has Standards: Tinka is promiscuous but she turns down Snake’s early advances. When asked why she doesn’t reciprocate, Tinka explains she has standards and doesn’t hook up with townies.
- The Vamp: Her aggressive grinding on her date during the St. Ambrose dance causes him to have an embarrassing moment on the dance floor.
- Changes her mind about St. Ambrose guys when a group of them humiliates Tweety.
Theresa “Tweety” Goldberg (Heather Matarazzo)
"Verena's gone, St. Ambrose is taking over, and next year I'm going to have to face Todd Winslow every day at breakfast. I WANT TO RETCH AND DIE."
- Girly Girl who is not above acting like a ditz and overeager flirtation for male attention.
- The Perfectionist: Tweety is a bulimic who uses ipecac to induce vomiting. Subverted as adult Tweety is an adolescent psychologist who warns against the dangers of eating disorders.
- Writes all the "mothers' letters" for students who need a weekend pass.
Maureen “Momo” Haines (Merritt Wever)
"She swallows Ipecac syrup and then fifteen minutes later she heaves up everything. Ipecac causes convulsions in the alimentary canal. Are you taking chemistry?"
- The brains: Momo is a science nerd who aspires to attend MIT. Using her chemistry smarts, she brews homemade alcohol. She is later revealed to be developing the first male oral contraceptive as an adult.
- Aligns with Verena when the D.A.R. fractures over whether to support a coed merger.
Snake (Vincent Kartheiser)
"Oh schoolmaids! Heaven is where you are!"
- Seeing himself as a bard, he frequently says pretentious things.
- The Leader of the Flat Critters, an unruly group of local beatniks.
- Stalking is Love: Genuinely believes this as he pursues Tinka.
Bradley “Frosty” Frost (Tom Guiry)
"You know what's fun? Codeine and rubber cement!"
- Blithe Spirit: When Verena reveals that she planned to use him as a pawn to prevent the coed merger, Frosty is completely unbothered by this.
- Fish out of Water: Frosty wants to get kicked out of stuffy St. Ambrose.
- The Stoner: See quote. Accepts Verena’s offer of Midol, not realizing the tablets are used for menstrual cramps.
Dennis (Matthew Lawrence)
- Odie’s boyfriend who attends a coed school. He agrees to meet up with Odie at Miss Godard’s for a covert tryst.
- Comically Missing the Point: Tries to change Odie's mind when she has second thoughts about consummating their relationship.Dennis: [to Odie] C'mon, don't give up. Hey, even if you got pregnant, I’d marry you.
- Fumbles said rendezvous: Instead of supplying condoms for the tryst, brings a can of contraceptive foam that he cannot figure out how to use.
Frank Dewey (Robert Bockstael)
- A teacher at Miss Godard’s who is also an icky ephebophile that preys on his female students.
Todd Winslow (Robin Dunne)
- A douchebag student of St. Ambrose.Todd: [to his date] I think Nixon lost the election because of his enormous jowls. The least he could do was put a brassiere on them for television. [eyes his date's breasts] What size cup would you say he was?
Page Sawyer (Rosemary Dunsmore)
- Abby’s mother who wants to sell the school up the river.
- Gives corny advice to her crying daughter.Page Sawyer: Abby Sawyer, when you are at the top, there are always jealous people at the bottom who try to bring you down. Well, you just stick out your chin and say "POO."
Mr. Armstrong (Michael J. Reynolds)
- The headmaster of St. Ambrose Academy who insults Miss McVane.
Susie (Caterina Scorsone)
- A crony of Abby’s.
Conrad Bateman (Noah “40” Shebib)
- The awkward St. Ambrose boy who is assigned to Verena as her date.Todd: I'm Conrad. Or you can call me Connie, or Darnoc which is my name backwards —Verena: Come on, Car Wreck.
Photographer (Shawn Ashmore)
- Another jerky St. Ambrose boy who tries to take sneak photos of Miss Godard students topless.
Tinka’s Date (Hayden Christensen)
- A St. Ambrose boy who has an oops! moment on the dance floor.
- He is also among the first to try the spiked punch and get intoxicated.
