Welcome back to Fantasyland, folks! In the last installment, Alex unwillingly willingly became an adventurer, and we met his sidekicks, Dwarfbeard Dwarfson and Arconn McPlayboy. What happens this time?
The exchange that opens up this chapter is so utterly Alex, right off the bat, it demands to be shared:
"I'm not sure," said Alex.
"Excellent," said Arconn.
Settle in, folks, long ride will be loooooong.
Now they're going to discuss the Adventurer's Contract! No good adverturing without a contract. Alex takes an unusually skeptical, usually introspective moment to wonder if he's being punk'd for the amusement of millions on national television. And hey, if you spoke up now, you could probably be spared the embarrassment! The networks don't like it when the jig is up too early!
Oh, OK, you're just gonna... keep talking about the contract then? Cool. I'll just... be over here.
The discussion of the contract is, admittedly, another place where the book is Almost Good. As Dwarfbeard notes, the average newbie treasure dividend is 1/20th of the hoard, plus any Clingy MacGuffins he might find. Everything else, from the primary hoard to side-finds, is divided up equally among the company—higher-rankers get 1/10th the hoard (that's 2/20ths), the leader gets 3/20ths, et cetra. Dwarfbeard explains this all in a legalish way that would almost be amusing, and would probably be hilarious if someone like Diana Wynne Jones or Terry Pratchett was at the wheel. The problem is, this author writes in the prose equivalent of monotone.
Alex feels a strange compulsion to ask about the rest of the contract—for some reason, it interests him—and does not know why he finds it so fascinating! Shoulder Narrator Mood Ring, you're not first-person and you're not Lemony! Stop tweaking Alex's ears so you can expound!
We briefly learn that there's an Adventurer's Handbook somewhere. Dwarfbeard explains that another portion of his treasure will be his payment, he can also keep treasure if he finds it through singular victory, yada yada.
Alex is confused by all this talk of dividends and items magically choosing him! What does it all mean! Dwarfbeard and Arconn bicker some more; Arconn likes explaining things while Dwarfbeard wants to be all obfuscating. Of course, Arconn is an elf, so while Dwarfbeard commends Alex on his "Good head for [adventuring]" (it'd look fetching on a pike after the almost-certainly-inevitable orc ambush), he explains about how adventures have goals, and here's theirs for this one.
They gon' kill them a dragon! Slathbog the Red! (Oh! Does he have friends who can't tell the difference between rain and hail, so they come to him and ask, and one of them says to the other, "Slathbog the Red knows rain, dear." ...Wait, that joke doesn't work like that.)
Alex, rather sensibly, wants to know if he's evil. He's at least got backbone enough to speak out against killing things for their life insurance premiums.
No duh, Sherlock, Dwarfbeard says in so many words. He's a Dragon. Since when are dragons not evil? (Well, Arconn notes, except for those pesky ones that aren't, but if we pay attention to them, we're totally undermining our own point, so nyeh!)
Now, I have my own problems with Always Chaotic Evil, especially where presumably intelligent species are involved, but I realize that in the fantasy of the world, mine is an uncommon one. But I tend to agree with the Fablehaven perspective—fantastic creatures have completely different cultures, so would we even be able to identify their morality on our own terms?
Dwarfbeard helpfully explains that Slathbog's been stealing treasure from people for a long time to build his hoard, yadda yadda. Being unusually practical, Alex wants to know if these people won't, you know, want their treasure back when Slath's dead?
If Dwarfbeard was being logical—or thought at all like a normal person—he'd probably note that most of the people Slathbog stole from are dead. But, no. I have a feeling we're going to be seeing this Adventurer's Handbook a lot. Page 57 clearly states, You Kill It, You Bought It.
It finally seems to occur to Alex, in the midst of all this slaying—holy crap they're going to kill a dragon HE GONNA DIE. Thankfully, this troubling, conflict-inducing little nugget of worry remains safely in the back of his mind in favor of pulling the trigger on more exposi—
WAIT WAIT OH MY GOD HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP
Alex: Hold the friggin' phone, if he killed people to steal from them, and we kill him to steal from him what makes us any better?
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ACTUAL CONFLICT ACTUAL QUESTIONS SOMETHING ACTUALLY INTERESTING
...Aaaaand along comes Dwarfbeard to stick a pin in my enthusiasm.
No, it's totally OK, because we're on a quest. And, uh.
So if I declare, say, you, Dwarfbeard, to be evil—because you're kidnapping a kid to murder somebody against said kid's will—and say it's my "quest," I am exonerated for murder in all 50 states of Magicland? Well then let's get this story over with! Who's got the potions?
Sadly, it looks like we're not going to be so lucky. We get the most cursory of explanations for exactly how evil Slathbog is (he's razed a couple of cities, but it's not like the book's going to deign to tell us what their names are or anything) and... now we're expositing on the size of the adventuring band and more contract nonsense.
There's eight people in this band. Well, I give them points for a unique number. And lord, we're still going into how the treasure is divided! Hey, one-twentieth goes to the Adventurers Widows and Orphans Fund! Prom-is-ing! I'd ask if there's a widowers fund too, but having read ahead a little, I think I can safely say the adventuring is a hell of a sausage-fest.
I'm not going to bother into every single contract minutae. Suffice to say, there's also a clause in it that makes No One Gets Left Behind a hard and fast rule—up to and including returning all of your companion's belongings to their family in an unfortunate event; heaven help you if you want to ditch their favorite fork since their rotting corpse is getting heavy to carry—and Alex is all "Durr hurr alright."
Our Magicland finally gets a name. It's Telous.
And, insultingly, this chapter is only half over.
And they're departing to Telous through, not a back door as the chapter title advertises, but...
...A wardrobe.
Please tell me that was intended as a shout out. Please.
Oh yes. And through the wardrobe, we have essentially the magic wall that leads into Diagon Alley from Harry Potter.
Anyway. They step through the maaaagic doors and end up in a sterling green field at midday. (Wait a second! Magicland as seen through Mr. Clutter's windows was snowy!) There's a little village below where, as Dwarfbeard explains, they're going to meet the rest of their party—including the leader, Silvan Bregnest!
There's Mr. Pregnant! No matter. He's the leader. He's going to be leaderly, as I can tell. I shall dub him Olaf Leaderson. Alex is now feeling very happy about this decision (because... the grass is green? Hon, you know what they say about the other side of the fence), so he gladly accompanies him.
Where is the entire band meeting? An inn. Of course. This one's called The Golden Swan. Its sign shows a swan made of gold. Who cares! Let's meet Olaf!
He's the leader. Picture a fantasy party leader in your head. Take a guess at his personality. Got your guess? Good! You're absolutely correct again!
He, Arconn, and Dwarfbeard discuss for a bit on how Alex is untrained, oh no, but Arconn saw some oracle or another and somehow Arconn knows Alex is here to FULFILL THE PROPHECY! *trumpets* Of course, he's not allowed to talk about what that prophecy is, because that would be too convenient!
Enough of these jokers. Let's see who the other four gits in this party are.
INTRODUCING!
- Skeld, son of Haplack! He's tall! He's blonde! He's got muscles! He is now Scald, son of Hapless, because that's funnier and more derisive!
- Tayo Blackman! He doesn't talk much! He's the quiet one! His name's OK! I suspect he's going to be the one who only opens his mouth to issue Pithy Truths!
- Halfdan Bluevest! He's—oh, god dang it, he's another dwarf. Seriously? I mean, if you're doing the standard dwarf, you really only need one for all your Dwarfness jokes. The height, the beard, the pugilisticness; it's not really something you need to double up on. And I'll say he's only worth half a Dan. Your name is now Dwarfaxe Dwarfmine. Jr., to denote that you're the younger of the two dwarves.
- Anders "Andy" Goodseed! He's the other sort-of-young one! That's... really all there is to say about him. He's normal.
They're all going to have a great feast! With the Inn's marvelous food! And toast! To friendship!
I just ate dinner, so this is where I get off. See you next chapter!
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