TOUHOU LOL: Difficulty can be fun when it doesn't infuriate. Such is the case. Also setting, music, and memes.

SONICHU LOL: The Sonichu Medallion is made of Psitanium.

I love how the villain of the series has the all-too-human fear of mortality. Meanwhile, our hero is a creepy molester.

Good job man, that stuff was hilarious. I'm a sucker for jokes about dames that end with "see?".

I'm always glad to hear somebody enjoyed themselves reading this. Makes the mind-numbing agony of reading the fetid abomination called Sonichu worthwhile.

Jumping briefly back to Touhou for a moment, I can't explain the appeal factor outside 'difficulty', 'lolis', and 'bullets'. I've actually never played a Touhou game before, but those three things are usually pretty appealing. I'd certainly play if I could.

On a Sonichu note, I probably won't do another update this big, but to expedite the process of getting the liveblog finished, I will be doing two updates a day when I can. This weekend, I read through Issue Ten, and if all goes as planned, updates start again on Monday.

After Issue Ten, it looks like we'll be done with the body of Sonichu. Somebody else already covered Sonichu Special 1, which is all of Issue Eleven, and aside from the cover, I can't find any of Issue Twelve. If there are any Sonichu Specials left, I'll cover those, but it looks like this is nearing the end of it's run.

edited 2nd Sep '10 3:56:52 PM by Swingyshark

Sonichu 11 was the christmas episode. Sonichu special are the unpublished crimes against paper.

I forgot to ask something: Is Touhou pronounced Toe-hue or toe-ooh-hoe-ooh? Tyoo-hyoo? Tow-how?

Roughly it is pronounced "Toe-hoe". Roughly. Should you want to be perfectly perfect learning more about Japanese phonology and IPA may be of interest to you.

Alright, I’ve put off this issue long enough. Thank the gods it’s one of the last ones Chris has out, since the illusive Issue 12 has only a cover page. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the absolute worst, surpassing even Issue Nine in terms of utter fail. If I hadn't volunteered for this, I'd be demanding some serious payback.

After skimming through it, I actually considered giving up and not even bothering with this liveblog anymore, but that obviously didn’t happen, as I’m still here against my better judgment. As such, expect me to curse Chris’ name at least once per paragraph. Swearing in general will probably be pretty high this issue.

I don’t even have anything clever to say about it, so let’s just get on with the train wreck that is:

Issue Ten, Episode Twenty-One: Director Amenities, better known as:

Issue Ten, Episode Twenty-One, Part One: F-Bombed

Before I even get to the cover art, I have to point this out: Remember when Chris said last issue that the story would be all about Sonichu and his pals from then on and not about himself?

Yeah, whatever. That sure didn’t last, as Chris makes a double appearance in the cover for Issue Ten. Chris-Chan Sonichu, as drawn by Panda Halo, is the cover art this time, and in the little panel under the ‘CWC Comics’ box, Homeless Chris is standing in what I can only guess is either boiling cheese or the flaming depths of Hell. You be the judge on that one.

After the same shitty disclaimer we’ve seen the last four issues or so, we get a recap of Wild and Magi-Chan saving Chris from the timehole. Chris blathers to Magi-Chan about how he went to the future and had sex with his future wife, Lovely Weather, even though Magi-Chan is probably more interested in getting out of there alive than listening to Chris’ imaginary fap tales. When they get out, Chris tells Wild all about going to 2015 and banging his future wife while his future self was working late. He also met his future daughter, Crystal, and was involved in a medical study. HO-HUM. This is all the shit from the last issue he didn’t bother telling us because it’s asinine and pointless, but whatever.

The medical study he was involved in was a supposed cure for homosexuality. Yeah, we’re back to that again. According to Chris, in June of 2015, scientists will discover the ‘gene-like molecule’ that makes a person turn gay. They needed ‘a volunteer’s untainted straight blood’ to get a ‘pure’ version of the imaginary molecule to make a vaccine against homosexuality, which Chris volunteered for. I guess everybody in the future must be self-hating gays or something, then, if Chris had to do it. Even though that’s not how vaccines work, nor is that how genetics work, and last time I checked, homosexuality was not a disease. Fucking Chris.

Chris brought back two syringes of the vaccine, one of which we'll never see again. He wants to use one to turn Reldnahc back into Naitsirhc because Kel loves and misses him. Yeah, Kel. Remember her? I don’t either. Maybe because she never showed up outside Issue 0. But her and Naitsirhc are sweethearts offscreen or something, I don’t know. Chris never tells us what he wants the other syringe for, but he tells Magi-Chan to take the Sonichu Deus ex Machina Ball to get enough of the vaccine from July 31, 2015 so they can pour it into the world’s water supply, thus forcing every gay person in the world to be straight because that’s what Chris wants them to be. Fucking Chris.

Before Magi-Chan goes into the future, though, Chris wants to use his telekinesis to rally his imaginary allies ‘for this mission towards correcting my comic mistakes of my real-life based villains’. Uh, okay. Sure. Let’s go with that. Magi-Chan also has to have the Plot Ball back to Chris by 3 PM, or he gets the hose again.

Chris uses Magi-Chan’s telekinesis via petting him awkwardly to tell everyone what to do. Allison and BILLY MAYS are told to equip Son-Chu with the Play Station 3 and the software for Guitar Hero. They also need to load up his band’s fake instruments and drive down to the 4-cent_garbage Building to wait for Chris and his crew. Patti has to move Crystal’s mirror to Chris’ desk and await Sonichu coming to get the rest of the Plot Balls. After Sonichu picks them up, he has to go to the 4-cent_garbage Building before 3. Blake and Punchy will be there as well, participating in the band or whatever. Wild can come, too.

Magi-Chan dives into the future, Chris turns into Chris-Chan Sonichu, and we come full-circle, as this is where we left off last issue: Chris-Chan Sonichu running off from Wild while spouting superfluous Spanish. There’s a few shots of all Chris’ minions doing as he commanded while a huge loaf of moldy bread parts for Chris-Chan Sonichu as he runs around. This is actually where the episode proper starts, but whatever. Chris runs to his Tripod site/filing facility and plans to teleport all the horrible Sonic/Pokemon/Sonichu garbage he’s hoarded before the ‘devil-trolls’ can degrade it. Just as he says that, though, little naked devils emerge from the junk heaps and attack.

Chris-Chan Sonichu bounces around and hits them, eventually grabbing one of the girl trolls by her tail and electrocuting her until she’s stiff enough to use as a weapon. He then uses her paralyzed body to beat the other trolls to death before he kills her. What the fuck is wrong with you, Chris? Trolls might be assholes, but they’re people, too. I’m now convinced Chris is some sort of sociopath or something. He fits the definition of one.

Once he’s done slaughtering the trolls, he makes a blatant shout-out to Fairytale Fights, then gives us a ‘friendly’ PSA about supervising our kids when they play games. “Don’t me a moof or aloof, keep it ‘E’ or ‘T’ for your children.” What the hell is ‘moof‘? Is it anything like smoof? And what game has ever been rated ‘M for Moof’? No, really, what the hell, Chris? If you’re going to put this shit in, at least have it make some sense.

Within the space of about a second, Chris scrapes his junk into a huge pile in the middle of the room, and— whoa, wait a second. Is that... Top Duck? That is. That’s a magazine that says Top Duck. With Sonichu posing on the cover. OH GODS THE MENTAL IMAGE. IT BUUUUURNS. I HATE THIS ISSUE, ARUGH.

That fucking Chris sends his filth to his mayoral office, then bombs the Tripod building like any good hero would do because it was weak in security and couldn’t support Flash media. Behind Chris is what looks like the Japanese characters for ‘capital punishment’, but his handwriting is so bad that I don’t even know what it’s supposed to be. Chris then zooms off, since he has other things to do and more buildings to bomb. He met with some chick (probably a troll) to set up the CW Cipedia, met present!Lovely Weather at a bookstore to arrange for their ‘fated first date’, changed his bank and online account passwords, and met with the CW Cville Board of Directors (a bunch of beanbags at a table).

Back at the 4-cent_garbage Building, Jason watches Chris-Chan Sonichu run towards the building. For some reason, Jason has a sign hanging from his TV stating that Chris likes Blu-Ray. Again, attention to pointless details. We’re also given a warning not to buy or download illegal copies of Little Bi G Planet on the Wii or Xbox 360- as if that were even possible- and that if we know what’s good for us, we’ll play Chris’ Sonichu level on LBP. ALL HAIL SONY!

Chris-Chan Sonichu arrives at the building, then just stands around waiting for Son-Chu and Sonichu to bring him his games. Somehow, Jason uses his game controller to put a cage over Chris-Chan Sonichu and trap him inside. Hacking into a game somehow allows Jason to hack into REALITY ITSELF. I don’t even know. Nothing makes sense anymore. Chris-Chan is pissed, but a red laser shoots through the bars and turns Chris-Chan Sonichu back into regular old Sociopath Chris, then it steals his faildallion. Outside the cage is the shirtless devil from Issue Nine, Beel. He wants to use Chris’ faildallion, but he can’t feel any power in it.

Suddenly, Chris’ clunky ring starts shooting sparks. He looks surprised to see that his high school ring is the real source of his powers, and instead of drawing his hand and ring a second time, he pastes in a photograph of his actual hand with the ring on it. He then puts his random glasses on and grins at Beel, along with a note that tells us Chris has fangs for his ‘eye-teeth’, which is a lie. He tells Beel that he can put him down and steal his faildallion, but he can never take and/or destroy ‘my heart, my sould [sic], or my powers’, which is unfortunate. With the power of his ring, Chris teleports the faildallion to the hands of his ‘well-trusted true sweetheart’, Blanca. He then turns back into Chris-Chan Sonichu and Hyper Beams Beel through a wall.

Then there’s a random Monty Python-esque knockoff of a joke about ‘something completely different’. A photograph of a man shoots out a Hyper Beam. A badly-drawn porcupine-thing screams, “Dinsdale!”, and the man in the picture has his teeth cut out of the picture. He questions, “R rhofe ry reef?”, to which a badly-drawn Bugs Bunny replies that he truly deserves having his teeth stolen because he’s a thieving imposter. Sonichu agrees that Jimmy Hill is an imposter thief, and that we shouldn’t buy stuff from him. WHATEVER. GET BACK TO THE PLOT, DAMN. WE’RE NOT GETTING YOUNGER HERE.

Maybe next time. Stay tuned for more asshattery.

In case anybody wants to know, there's a real-life context for the whole faildallion thing. The real-life Blanca was a troll who managed to convince Chris to send her/him (I forget which) his ugly medallion as a token of his love. He/she then videotaped herself destroying it, which is where the whole "no but really the high school ring is the source of my powers" thing comes from.

Also, great recap.

edited 7th Sep '10 3:50:57 PM by MiracleWhipHipster

This whole story so far is so much headdesk...

Blanca was a him actually. But its pretty much all you said.

Because I want this issue to be over with as soon as possible, let's continue.

When we left off, Chris was doing something random and unimportant. Today, more of the same.

Issue Ten, Episode Twenty-One, Part Two: CRUISE CONTROL FOR FAIL

So, Chris-Chan Assholechu is meditating on a bench somewhere when Reldnahc pops up behind him and tries to beat Chris-Chan with his wood. Chris-Chan was expecting him, and now is the time for their final battle. Chris-Chan swears revenge on Reldnahc and ‘his kind’, which I guess are the homogays he hates so much for no given reason other than they‘re not straight. Reldnahc is convinced he’s going to beat Chris-Chan and convert him to his way of life and the dark side and blah blah whatever. They fight for one page before they both beat each other so hard that they turn back into humans.

Reldnahc recovers first, making his way to Chris with an energy blast ready to kill ‘Prime-Chan’. When he does the stupid thing and asks Chris if he has any last words, Chris jumps up and jams a syringe into Reldnahc’s black faildallion with a cry of, “Drink my blood!” Ew. No. Just... No. The vaccine turns Reldnahc back into Naitsirhc, and for some reason, Chris spends a mighty long time pondering on how Reldnahc spent so much time without a shirt on. ...Are we sure Chris is straight? Either way, he teleports Naitsirhc to Kel’s waiting bedside, then his imaginary band starts setting up outside the 4-cent_garbage Building. While unloading the fake instruments, Sonichu finds an orange beanie on Chris’ guitar and puts it on. As it’s Pa Rappa’s beanie, he turns even more two-dimensional than he already is.

SUDDENLY, CHRIS TURNS REAL. AAAAAAHHH, MAKE IT GO AWAY!

Instead of drawing himself putting his guitar on, he took pictures of himself doing it and inserted them over his drawn background. It’s horrible. Scary beyond all reason. He explains that the actual red shirt his drawn self was wearing was dirty when he took the pictures and he was too busy hanging with his woman to bother with accuracy, but I don’t even care anymore. Son-Chu transforms into a stage, and then we get a page that’s just a HUEG picture of Chris and his shitty plastic guitar in front of a Guitar Hero screen. THAT’S NOT MUSIC, CHRIS. IT’S A GAME. WHY DO YOU DO THIS WHYYYYYY

They play a lame song Chris wrote called ‘Revive Zordon’ about the Power Rangers character of the same name. Real!Chris is still in the corner while Punchy plays fake drums, Blake plays a fake keyboard, and Wild jams on a fake bass. Pa Sonichu sings the song, the awfulness of which causes the 4-cent_garbage building to begin shaking. At the top floor, Jason, Kathleen, Beel, Clyde Cash, and Jack Thaddius are standing around debating about getting out, as the building has no musical defense. Jason pretty much tells Clyde and Jack to go fuck themselves, because he and Kathleen are getting out of there and retiring to their house in the suburbs forever. Unlike Clyde and Jack, he is straight, and is giving up being a troll for no reason whatsoever. What happened to him spending his short, mortal life being an asshole to everyone in existence? Way to puss out, Jason. He asks Jesus to save him and Kathleen, then they fly out in a snow globe.

Jack panics while Clyde asks Beel why he’s still here if Chris killed him a few pages ago, to which Beel rips off a South Park joke in reply by telling him that even if he died, where would he go? Detroit? Being a troll is his Hell for his sin of being Hitler’s assistant in his last life or something, and after the building collapse, he‘ll be doomed to be Graduon‘s assistant next. But because being trolls and being homogay is worse than helping someone commit genocide on a mass scale, Clyde and Jack will have minion devils gnaw their asses for an eternity. They also made the entire gay population look bad not only to Chris but to everyone by slandering Chris’ good, innocent name. Beel, you shirtless asshole, you did that, too! You were going to kill Chris not 15 pages ago! Stop kissing his triple ass.

Beel goes to hide in the basement until the whole thing’s over, and does what Jason did in telling Clyde and Jack to pretty much go fuck themselves. Clyde asks Jack what they should do, since they only have two options left: Commit suicide, or let Chris kill them. They agree that they never want to die to Chris’ power, and decide to commit suicide by jumping down the elevator shaft. Jack admits that they’re both damned no matter what they do anyway. Clyde holds his hand out to Jack, offering for them both to go out holding on to each other. Jack takes his hand, and with the understanding that they’ll see each other in Hell, they jump down the elevator shaft to their deaths.

Shattering the relatively emotional moment is Pa Sonichu and Chris finishing their shit song while the building collapses. A Wall-O-Text informs us that there were 1,500 people in the building, and that those on the lower floors got into the basement unharmed. 500 people total were completely unharmed, but half of them were drunk. The other half, plus 125 sober trolls, were hurt, injured, or dead. Of the remaining 500, 250 were injured, 150 safe but hurt, and 100 dead. Chris tries to play himself off as a hero for taking down Encyclopedia Dramatica and 4-cent_garbage, but he killed hundreds of people and left almost a thousand injured-- all because they said mean things about him on the internet and/or were gay. On behalf of the human race, I say fuck you, Chris.

He pretends to cry and be sad that the trolls wasted their lives being trolls and died for it, and that they were no better than TMZ or tabloids. Sonichu agrees that he hates TMZ, and segues into a montage of TMZ cameras invading their lives, which proves he’s never watched TMZ in his life. More Family Guy jokes get ripped off, THEN SUDDENLY, MAGI-CHAN. Everyone has completely forgotten the carnage Chris caused by this point.

Magi-Chan tells him that he got the homogay vaccine from the future, and that it’s going to be tested further over the next 6 months (despite them already knowing it works perfectly and is safe), then will be put into the world’s water supply. On February 24, 2009, ‘every last person will be cured and protected of the orientation of Hell’, and the whole world will celebrate Christian Love Day on that day every year from there on. It will be a second Valentine’s Day and a day to celebrate the forced eradication of a person’s right to choose who they want to be with in lieu of doing what a socially-inept manchild wants them to do. Homosexuals and asexuals will cease to exist, and TRUE STRAIGHT LOVE will remain TRUE and STRAIGHT forever.

AND SPOILER ALERT, MAGI-CHAN HOOKS UP WITH SILVANA WHEN GRADUON DIES LOLOLOLOLOL.

“AT LAST, UNDER GOD AND JESUS’ WILL, ALL TRUE LOVE WILL BE RIGHT AND JUST FOREVER,” says Chris, that assbat. Suddenly, Meg Griffin walks up to him and gushes about how much she looooooves Chris and his shitty comic. Some random dude then comes up and asks Meg for the time, mistaking her for a man. When Chris steps in, both defending Meg and giving the guy the time, he calls Chris a woman, and then gets punched in the face. Because of this, Meg feels like she’s known Chris for years and want to bang him in the parking lot. Ignoring that he has already met his future wife and has a date with her later, he accepts after learning she’s ‘consentual’. They make out, then Meg tells Chris he needs to come to Quahog someday, as her whole family loves his comic. Chris says he will, provided fate (and a contract from Seth Mac Farlane) allows it. Meg walks off, BUT IT’S NOT MEG.

IT’S SILVANA. DUN DUN DUN.

Just like last time, let’s break. Next time, we’ll see what Silvana’s up to, maybe.

edited 9th Sep '10 12:27:32 PM by Swingyshark

What Silvana did was basically Chris' 'approximation' of what trolling is. She tricks him for no reason at all. Chris however, is unable to understand any viewpoint other than his, and is oblivious to the fact that the trolls have actual reasons.

Since this liveblog is soon to end, maybe you should liveblog some of Chris' videos and the sagas or something.

I feel inclined to point that Zordon ia actually the Big Good of the first few Power Ranger seasons, not a villain. And incase somebody is wonderign what's so horrible about Sonichu appearring on the cover of a magazine called Top Duck, duck is Chris-speak for penis.

Fun fact: the Spanish word for duck, ‘pato’, is also Spanish slang for ‘faggot’.

And Chris thinks he's a master of la lengua Española.

Yeah, I never understood that. Is it because he took high school spanish or something?

EDIT: I couldn't help but notice that Chris has posted two youtube videos in the past couple of weeks.

So much for leaving the internet forever...

edited 8th Sep '10 8:30:54 PM by Marky_Markk

I recently thought about this: if the life of Mr. Chandler here was actually a fiction novel, what would your review of the plot be like?

My review: wtf

Yeah, Chris destroyed his ps3 because he thought some trolls were gonna pay him to do it. I guess I know where his next disability cheque is going.

@Nomic: Thanks for pointing that out. I haven't actually watched Power Rangers since I was a kid, so I've forgotten pretty much all of what happened in the early seasons. I'll correct myself in the review.

@i-kun: That's not a bad idea. I do all the updates and such from my public library, as I don't have internet at my house, and if the computers here can run videos, I will certainly give that a shot. Thanks for the suggestion!

@Marky Markk: Yeah, he took a Spanish class in high school. Ever since then, he's assumed he knows perfect Spanish and tends to insert it whenever he gets the chance to.

@Cysma: The plot, like his actual life, would be two-dimensional and likely very bland. Full of not-so-subtle remarks about race and gender, and the superiority of being straight and always obeying Godjesus— when it's convenient, of course. Half or more of it will be about his desperate search for love and failing to find it, as he's been trumped at every turn by the trolls or, failing that, his own subconscious desire to sabotage himself so as to appear more sympathetic.

As he seems to have little to no grip on reality, perhaps even Sonichu and friends will be running amok, cheering on his horrible behavior while enabling him to act worse. People will needlessly suffer, all for the sake of his ego, and eventually, the story will end in blood and fire, as Chris either plunges the Earth into a fictional war to end all wars, eliminating all of his 'foes' in the process, or he realizes that he has wasted his life fighting shadows and withdraws from society or kills himself.

In short, it would pretty much be Sonichu, but longer. I guess that was actually a sort of hypothetical summary and not much of a review, but whatever.

Update coming in soon.

You guys get the drill by now.

Issue Ten, Episode Twenty-One, Part Three: Asperchu, We Hardly Knew Ye

Magi-Chan then comes up and asks Chris if there’s anything he wants to say, as Magi-Chan has foreseen that Chris will have a moment of remorse at this exact second. Chris says that he does, and we get a hand-written Wall-O-Text about how he wants to apologize for offending homosexuals with all his blatant anti-gay propaganda. This is the only apology we really get until the end, as the rest is him assuring us that, unless noted, all his characters are totally straight, he is straight, and he’s finally got it drilled into our thick skulls. He’s also sad that he lost so many fans for being a sexist, racist, homophobe, but thanks everybody, even the trolls, for their support. He apologizes one more time, and begs his readers not to leave him, as he will write and draw appropriately from now on. Yeah, right.

With that out of the way, Chris and Sonichu set out to ‘right some other wrongs’, aka tying up loose ends. With the Sonichu Balls, Chris transforms into Collosal Chris Chan Homeless Chris-Chan and Sonichu transforms into Ultra Sonichu a fruit-punch flavored version of himself. Hobo-Chan and Fruitichu fly off, with Fruitichu going to Rule CWC to meet with Darkbind while Hobo-Chan goes to CW Cville. When he gets there, he finds Patti and the Dark Mirror waiting. Hobo-Chan goes into the Dark Mirror Hole and pulls Crystal out, leading up to a very incestuous moment where she moans his name and he watches her sleep with a creepy look on his face. Allison calls an ambulance, Patti grows huge, and Hobo-Chan takes over as mayor again.

In Rule CWC, Darkbind is kneeling beside the sleeping form of Princess Zelina when Fruitichu bursts in from the window. Speaking like he’s Godjesus or something, Fruitichu tells Darkbind to rejoice, as he has come to reawaken Princess Zelina with his Marty Stu powers. All he has to do is tell that bitch to get up, and she does. Darkbind tells her that she’s been in a magical coma for ten years due to some royal link to the Sonichu Balls. Darkbind has spent the last ten years looking for the balls while praying for the princess to awaken. Touched by his devotion, they hug, and Fruitichu flies off.

Hobo-Chan and Fruitichu reunite over Alec Benson Leary’s house, which they break into while he’s gone. Hobo-Chan tells Fruitichu to go locate the ‘caught-in-the-wild ones’ while Hobo-Chan hacks Leary’s computer, which is on an Xbox 360 for some reason. Hobo-Chan jams his massive finger in the USB port, and with his nonsensical computer psychic powers, he can tell Leary has a Microsoft OS. He could have just turned the damn thing on to figure that out, or even just fucking looked at the computer for two seconds, but that wouldn’t let him show off his random powers.

Hobo-Chan actually goes inside Leary’s computer somehow and deletes the entire Asperpedia and all the accounts on it. Hobo-Chan steals a dating simulator off Leary’s desktop as well, unable to comprehend why it’s on an Xbox and not a SUPERIOR GAMING STATION like his PS 3. He takes the sim and stores it in his skull so he can reformat it for PS 3- again, impossible -then he fries Leary’s hard drive and prepares to destroy his Xbox. Chris is such a thundercunt douchecanoe. Breaking in and ruining people’s property? Killing and wounding hundreds of people? And all to further his ego-fueled agenda? I have no swear words to properly describe him anymore. He’s a complete monster. That’s all there is to it.

Meanwhile, Fruitichu navigates Leary’s house, eventually going outside and seeing the Asperchu cast in awe of him. Asperchu freezes up, thinking he’s not worthy to be in Fruitichu’s presence. Everyone seems to think Fruitichu is some kind of God or something. All the Asperchu cast think he’s there to save them, and they beg for his and Chris’ forgiveness. The Asperchus love Chris and the Sonichus, and they hate Alec Benson Leary for creating them and making them do all the things they’ve done. They also hate him for forcing them to all have Aspergers and for ‘forming [the Asperchus] to look low-resolution, blocky, gross, and retarded’. Leary doesn’t give them much attention, either, according to them.

Wild doesn’t like that Leary made him fall in love and be homogay with Simonchu, Bubbles wanted to be called ‘Kitty’, Angelica tells them about a Rosechu Leary keeps in his basement that he killed for trying to report him and how she wanted to be named ‘Trisha’, the Punchy expy shouts, the other Magi-Chan whines about not being psychic or intelligent anymore, and Asperchu pretty much repeats what the other Sonichu said about hating Leary’s art and needing a girlfriend and new body type. Fruitichu promises to give the Asperchu cast a makeover and free the Rosechus in Leary’s basement.

Using yet another new and random power, Chaotic Remedy, Fruitichu heals the abuse and mental problems on the Asperchus and turns them into Sonichus that look almost exactly like their original counterparts in the Chaotic Combo, give or take clothes or very, very minor aesthetic differences. Asperchu himself turns into the buff Mitch Sonichu, who dresses a lot like the dude from the Brawny paper towel commercials. Everyone comments on how hot he is now, and Whisp babbles some of dat dere street talkz, yo. Mitch thanks Fruitichu, who just wants them to live peaceful lives and keep Leary from hosting ads on Chris’ site. Hobo-Chan then blows up Leary’s Xbox, sending it flying outside. When Fruitichu tells Mitch that Hobo-Chan destroyed Leary’s computer and Xbox, Mitch takes it in stride, commenting that Leary needed a new hard drive anyway. Hobo-Chan comes outside, causing the reformed Asperchu cast to DROP TO THEIR KNEES AND BOW BEFORE HIM. Fucking Chris.

Hobo-Chan tells them that he and Fruitichu aren’t Godjesus, and that Godjesus doesn’t want them to worship false gods. He also forgives Michael Sonichu for bearing false witness against him. Metal Asperchu shows up, but Hobo-Chan protects everyone and I’m missing half of this page. Michael Sonichu, Mitch Sonichu, and Fruitichu launch themselves at Metal Asperchu while Hobo-Chan uses Zap Cannon and Swift continues using Protect on the group. When it’s destroyed, the reformed Asperchu cast goes to lynch Leary ‘for giving us Aspergers and drawing [them] sooo terribly’. Instead of stopping them from beating him to death, Hobo-Chan smiles and remarks that everything will be well and good in Minnesota now. Fruitichu tells Hobo-Chan about the Rosechus in the basement and HOLY HELL, BATMAN. WALL-O-TEXT OVERLOAD.

Page 65 is nothing but Hobo-Chan ripping through the next page to tell everyone that outside of the last few pages, Sonichu and Asperchu are totally unrelated and have nothing to do with each other. Their characters are not the same people, and only Sonichu is the TRUE and HONEST ORIGINAL CONTENT. Fruitichu bitches at Hobo-Chan to stop preaching and get back to the story, which he does. Back in CWC Ville, the Chaotic Combo, Rosechu, Blake, and Simonla are complaining about the Asperchu comic still. Allison and Patti are just sort of hanging out, and Crystal is staring confusedly at something offscreen.

Simonla still denies being a rip-off or a clone of Evan’s Simonchu, as she was raised by Sandslash, which totally disproves those theories completely. Allison doesn’t like getting high with Bill the Scientist and Metal Sonichu on the moon as depicted in Moon-Pals, while Bubbles, Rosechu, and Blake just flat-out don’t like the Asperpedia. Crystal claims that when her brother gets back, they can all go tattle to the President about how some people made fun of their shitty comic online and get Asperpedia pulled from the web, ignoring that the Constitution supports freedom of speech and Chris would get laughed out of the state for demanding Asperpedia get pulled because he’s butthurt.

Magi-Chan tells them all to shut up and quit bitching, since they are safe and true so long as Chris keeps breathing. If they ever lost Chris, CWC Ville would spontaneously explode. I take back what I said about respecting Magi-Chan completely. He’s just as bad as the rest of them. Elsewhere in CWC Ville, Fruitichu teleports the Rosechus from Leary’s basement to a soup hotel. Brit-Tay Rosechu tells the others to listen to Fruitichu and seek their fortune, Bride Rosechu wants to prove Leary wrong by showing how strong she is, Moe Rosechu is going to go along with it until she thinks of something else to do, and Mary Rosechu just wants a bath and a new wheelchair. Chris also fails at making a girl moe in a spectacular way. She looks slightly diseased, not cute.

The girls go inside while a stereotypical stoned black man tries to offer Fruitichu drugs, which he turns down with a rant about how drugs are bad. The man is apparently a 78-year-old Jamaican veteran who’s had a cold for five years. Instead of doing what everyone else in CWC Ville does and live for free off the government or in a soup hotel, he begs for money and eats out of dumpsters, showing that he has some sense of dignity. Fruitichu has Magi-Chan send his memories of the man to the police, who arrive in seconds to get the man cleaned up and send his drugs into space. Wait, what? Is that where the Moon-Pals get their drugs? From the idiot CWC Ville Police who shoot them into space?

Fruitichu runs up the side of a building and stands on the antennae before using the Sonichu Balls to free everyone under Slaweel and Graduon’s control. They all abandon PVCC and go home like nothing happened. Fruitichu turns back into his regular flavor and tells us that the rest is up to Hobo-Chan, who is just arriving at PVCC.

So, next time on the final episode of Sonichu Squick Theatre, we see the not-so-exciting conclusion of this barely dynamic battle of sorts.

edited 9th Sep '10 2:02:06 PM by Swingyshark

I like that name, Fruitichu. I never though of it like that.

@Johaely: Then you'll like this.◊ I DREW'D IT JUST FOR YOU GAIZ.

Also, a tentative comic attempt.◊ Thinking about doing something like that in my free time. Short, hastily-drawn jabs at Sonichu and friends. It's no Capering Berries or anything, but it's my little way of keeping the lulz alive.

Oh, and uh. Remember when I said I wasn’t going to do any more big updates? Yeah, I lied again.

Sonichu is so close to being over, but I want to make this liveblog as complete as possible. I can’t review Chris’ Captain’s Log videos or any of that, unfortunately, but I will do a quick run-through of the Sonichu Specials that haven’t been completed before posting the final update. I’m so glad this is almost over, so let’s hurry up and get these mini-beasts out of the way for good.

It's going to be as big as a regular update (two posts total), but it's big because the second one will be the last update. The finale. That's it. Endgame. We can all forget this fetid excuse for a comic series ever happened.

So brace for impact, because the end is near!

SONICHU SPECIAL TIEM.

Sonichu Special One: Your Basic D.I.D.

It’s only got a few known pages, so this should be short. We get a view of a mansion that takes up the entire page. It’s some gross orange-red puke color and as tacky as any building in Chris’ comic. Coral or someshit is growing in the yard.

Inside, we see Clyde Cash Cly holding Ivy hostage. Oh, I guess she’s alive in this one. Cly laughs, and then Chris busts in and punches him into a wall, somehow. He unties Ivy, who is perfectly fine, and then Cly whips out a jetpack and starts babbling backwards nonsense. Lulzworthy is the scratched-out ‘MARY LEE’ above his text bubble that Chris didn’t even try to erase. AND OH SHIT CLY HAS A PICKLE GUN.

Sonichu shows up for no given reason. Chris goes –Chan Sonichu and fights with Cly under some imaginary button inputs. Chris-Chan Sonichu almost runs off a random unfinished bridge, but stops and starts what I can only assume will be a Dragonball Z-eqsue attack, given that he’s pronouncing it one syllable at a time. We don’t get to see him complete it, but it is, as it’s a massive yellow-ish beam he shoots at Cly.

Cly plummets to the river below, where he complains that he’s broke and Slaweel doesn’t pay him enough to babysit Chris. Chris and Ivy make out, and that’s pretty much the end of it.

Sonichu Special Two: The Marriage Comic

The opening page is CHRIS DOING A HADOKEN OH GOD RUN no wait it’s his hands opening a box with a bland-looking ring. He and Ivy hug, and suddenly they’re in wedding attire. Isn’t it against tradition for a groom to see the bride before the wedding? Whatever. Doesn’t matter. A cat named Spas plays the piano and talks to his off-screen cousin, Cousin. I assume that’s his name, as we never see this cousin.

Ivy stands around in her wedding dress. Canino the ‘Houndhowl’ stands around keeping inventory of who’s there. Sonichu is, of course, Chris’ best man, while Rosechu is Ivy’s maid of honor, somehow beating out Layla, who is actually Ivy’s character. Behind Sonichu is Punchy and Wild, who is laughing at Punchy for ogling Layla. Layla’s on the other side of the aisle with Simonla and Rosechu, and all three girls are thinking the exact same thought about how the guys look smart and handsome.

Some blocky lizard chefs banter punchlines that make no sense, then we see Ivy in a dressing room with bridesmaid Lilith, a Meowth-Rosechu, and Rachel, Ivy’s best friend and maid of honor. Alright, that makes more sense than Rosechu being her maid of honor, but if these are the bridesmaids, what the hell were the other girls doing out there?

Ivy is excited and nervous, while her friends blather about how awesome Chris is and how lucky Ivy is to marry him. Ivy’s dad looks a lot like Coach McGuirk. A midget throws flower stickers (no seriously; Chris used real stickers for the flowers) while Ivy and Officer Keinguirk walk down the aisle together. They meet with Chris and a preacher in headphones, and the ceremony starts.

Chris manages to condense and mutilate the ceremony into a page’s worth of incoherent, smashed text bubbles. Some weird crabs give out the rings, and presumably, it’s make-out time for our unhero and the Bride of Chris-Chan. It then cuts to them cutting their lame cake together, and Chris’ best man... Sarah Hammer? Wait, what the fuck? I thought Sonichu was— But that doesn’t— WHY DOES THAT CUP HAVE AN EVIL FACE ON IT. WHY, WHYYYYYYY?!

It doesn’t matter, because that’s the end. Komodin covered Sonichu Special 3, and Miracle Whip Hipster took down Sonichu Special 4 about 10 pages ago.

NEXT TIME, ON SONICHU SQUICK THEATRE: THE END. THE MERCIFUL FUCKING END.

SONICHU: THE FINAL UPDATE

...At least, that's what this post would have been if I hadn't accidentally deleted the Issue 10 update file off my flash drive. I, uh. I have a copy on my laptop at home, so the last update will have to wait until tomorrow.

I'd say this won't happen again, but this thread is almost over, so there's not much point. Sorry anyway, guys.

^^I like. It's funny, though Hobo-chan doesn't look hobo enough.

Have any of you guys heard of a Very Sonichu Adventure?

edited 13th Sep '10 4:23:40 PM by Johaely