The Official Bad Puns Topic

So a guy makes himself a poison dart gun disguised as an umbrella with a hollow shaft. However, it falls into the wrong hands in a luggage claim one day. The woman who foinds the umbrella notices the space inside and asks what it's for. The man is under pressure and unable to think of a good excuse, so he formulates a lie inspired by the Chinese takeout box another pasenger is eating out of and says "It's, uh, for me to store rice in."

*crickets*

I dun get it. I guess your joke... ...just folded.

YEAAAA- *brick'd*

edited 18th Jan '10 11:45:58 PM by CapedLuigisYoshi

[1]

• facepalm*

edited 19th Jan '10 12:33:39 AM by DEFCON1

God, you are the King Pun...

Why are pirates pirates? They just Arrrrrrgh!

You wood not dare to pick a fight with an Ent.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The barkeep is like, "yo, why you got a steering wheel in your pants?" So the pirate sits down and says, "arrrrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

Hey Nale you sword loser!

"Leaf" Xander alone.
It will go away.... in the fall.
Girls like guys with mossy chests.
Context.

True story: a while back, there was a false alarm about the untimely demise of comedian Bob Hope. When it was discovered that he was still very much alive, some smartass paper seized the opportunity to print the best punny headline ever...

Hope Lives On.

Which U2 member is favored by dogs? Bono.

It's the early 22nd century.

After years of careful terraforming and development, the first official colonists of Mars are on their way to the planet. It's a long, boring journey there, principally in stasis, and not without its dangers - one of the vessels gets taken out by a cluster of micrometeorites, and the crew has to be evacuated and its supplies abandoned - but fortunately, the journey was planned with a certain amount of redundancy.

Then they land.

Once the domes are constructed and the next stages of the project are ready to begin, word comes in from the field scouts that somewhere along the way the ecological engineers managed to royally mess up. The atmosphere has come along nicely and the so-called Biosphere 7.0 is doing fairly well on the whole, but certain vital links in the ecosystem - based fairly closely on Earth's but modified for success in the Martian terrain and weather system - have become disconnected, which does not bode well for the future of the colony.

The key problem seems to be the genetically-altered grass, which, contrary to everyone's expectations, has largely failed to take root in the Martian soil. Who expects all the grass to die, after all? The herbivores that are surviving are those that either feed on trees and flowering plants by their original design, or those that, like the Horse Mark IV, managed to establish a new niche for themselves. This leaves the majority of the domestic animals in a bind, especially the sheep and the cattle - which, the scouts have determined, have their own inherent flaws limiting their ability to adapt to the environment. The sheep have not been able to adapt thanks to an intermittent genetic mistake that renders them infertile when exposed to the non-grassy plants, and the cattle, it turns out, are wholly unsuitable - they're highly susceptible to muscle atrophy and therefore predators, and are unexpectedly prone to disease and, more importantly, passing diseases on to the things that eat them. Since certain future stages of the colonization were planned to rely heavily on protein from beef, this is a rather pressing concern - if the problems are not addressed now, it will be too late to deal with it once food grows scarce. The most important issues, the scouts determine, are to find a replacement for the grass and the cattle, and to replenish the populations of the horses and sheep.

The colony captain quickly meets with the ecologists and reports everything that he can back to Earth. Fortunately, the next supply ship has not yet departed, and if everyone acts quickly it can be re-outfitted with the most necessary provisions (further changes to the plan will have to wait). The time delay means it would be highly inefficient to recalculate the necessary modifications to the plan through both sides' computers; once the colony's data has been transmitted, everything is handled by terrestrial headquarters. Except for a single question back (about whether or not the colonists would consider venison an acceptable substitute for beef - a quick survey determines the answer is yes), everything is now out of the captain's hands.

Four months later the supply ship arrives. The engines are left in orbit as the transport bay disconnects and latches on to the landing craft. The touchdown in Cydonia is reported as successful, and in order to make sure that everything in the cargo manifest is intact the colony captain herself joins the rover group assigned to the recovery mission.

Once inside the landing craft, the captain confers with the supply pilot to authorize the equipment transfer. Naturally, she gets right to the point.

"Do you have our supplies?"

"Yes, sir. Mare zygotes, and doe zygotes, and little lambs, and ivy."

I won't have a fight over what I just read.

^^ Please explain the joke.

Et voila.

...

Don't look at me, I didn't make it up.

edited 19th Jan '10 7:11:52 PM by Noaqiyeum

Way back to the bell tower one...

I thought the pun was going to be that he was a dead ringer. It took me about five seconds to figure out the real punchline.

Still, nothing wrong with a harmless pun.

edited 19th Jan '10 9:45:14 PM by newtonthenewt

And I thought beef -> supplies -> where's the beef?

What do you call a person who teaches you how to play wind instruments well?

A tooter tutor!

You are now imagining "YEAAAAAAAAH" at the end of each of these statements. MANUALLY.

What do you call a person who teaches you how to play wind instruments well?

A tooter tutor!

Question: What is an oboe?

Answer: It's an ill woodwind that nobody blows good.

edited 20th Jan '10 11:54:07 AM by Noaqiyeum

These wind instrument puns...

Have blown my mind.

Fuck. You know, I'm usually damn good at these in RL, but I can't actually think of any on the spot.

And I can't even find the one CSI image I had.

EDIT: I won't even direct you to the relevant ED article. But it's relatively free of shock so you may find the CSI one-liner gallery amusing.

edited 20th Jan '10 4:14:42 PM by Barcode711

France, 1781:

Tourist 1: Gah, whats that smell?

Tourist 2: Its the peasants, they're revolting...

"...That's why the people are revolting, 'cause Louis, you're pretty revolting yourseeeeeeeelf!"

These wind instrument puns...

Have blown my mind.

Stop tooting your own horn.

edited 20th Jan '10 10:50:50 PM by Noaqiyeum

Stop being so horny.