JoJo's Bizarre Fanfiction Thread

The blonde vampire gloated, "You thought the one to revive this project would have been Jo Jo, but you were WRONG! IT WAS I, DIO!"

Naru wasn't particularly impressed. "Yeah, yeah, we get it, wise guy."

The red-headed tsundere moved to punch DIO in the face, but found herself pounding only at thin air. "What the-?"

From behind her, she heard the smug bastard applauding her effort. "The memetic power of repeatedly punching others in the face is a formidable ability indeed, Narusegawa."

It was with a sadistic grin that he continued, "Formidable, but ultimately useless before the might of THE WORLD!"

With that shout, a wave of energy spread out in all directions, halting time and everything in it save DIO himself. DIO then began to make his leisurely way toward our heroine so he could feast on her blood.... only to fly backwards with a dislocated jaw, the resounding shout of "OOOORAAAA!!!!" ringing in his ears.

Setting his mouth back in place, DIO mused, "Impossible... only Jotaro Kujo should be able to move within my world of frozen time... and yet..."

Naru, her arms folded in front of her chest, cut quite the imposing figure. An intimidation tactic only enhanced by the Stand hovering behind her in the same position, Star Platinum.

As DIO glanced at the fourth wall, his eyes suddenly narrowed in comprehension. "I see. So first you punched my loyal follower, Enrico Pucci, in the face in order to get the Stand Disc containing Star Platinum. Then, you used the disc on yourself. Being infamous for that right hook of yours, you were actually able to utilize so powerful a Stand for yourself. But even so, your attempts at enabling the plot of this insipid anthology are USELESS! USELESS, USELESS, USELESS!!!"

Invoking The World, DIO sent forth his phantom to punch out Naru's.

MUDAMUDAMUDAAAAA!!!

Star Platinum effortlessly countered The World's barrage with one of its own.

ORAORAORAORAAAAA!!!

Naru then got right up in DIO's face, and punched it. "The will of the author is to see you get punched in the face, DIO. And knowing how much of an ass you are, as well as how you stole Erina's first kiss back in Phantom Blood, I'm more than happy to oblige!"

And then Naru punched DIO in the face several hundred times in the space of just a few seconds.

Halfway across the world, the comatose Jotaro Kujo smiled, and gave a thumbs-up.

Some afternoons following their mutual coming-out in the dorm, Chisame and Misa were heading back from class. "Man, that sucked," Misa whined. "How do you feel about that English test?"

Chisame scowled, irritated that her roommate wouldn't leave her alone. "Better than you probably do...." then under her breath added, "barely..."

Misa laughed. "Yeah, probably. Man, I'm never going to get how the professor and the prez can pull off stellar grades like that."

Chisame looked at her classmate incredulously. "What do you mean, you don't understand how they can get good grades? What the heck is there to not get? It's because they actually give a damn and work for it."

"Asuna works even harder than the prez, but she's still Baka Red. Also, you just said a minute ago that you didn't do a whole lot better than I did."

"Well, I guess there's no accounting for stupidity... Also, I don't give a damn. There's no real point in working as hard as those overachievers. It's an escalator school, so it takes one hell of a failure not to move up to the next grade level."

Misa nodded, accepting her friend's logic. "Makes enough sense, I guess."

Chisame then stopped and demanded, "And just why the heck am I hanging out with you, anyway?!"

Misa grinned. "Because it's fate. Like I told you the other night, Stand users attract each other."

"You barely told me anything back then! You spouted some paraspiritual crap lifted from a Persona game and then spent two hours gushing about some guy you're pining for back in your hometown!"

Misa blinked, the picture of innocence. "Did I? Did I really? That doesn't really sound like something I would do."

"We were both there, of course you did!"

Misa blinked again. "Were you there, Chisame? Were you really?"

Chisame was about to lose her patience with the idiot in front of her, before she suddenly came to a realization. "Hey, Kakizaki. For some reason, the pavement's wet here."

Misa stopped in alarm, and immediately knelt to feel the ground. "Moreover, it's kind of... sticky. Like someone emptied out their can of grape juice on the ground, or something."

Quickly glancing about, she observed that the peculiar residue appeared to extend into an alleyway, while the sidewalk on either side was mostly dry. "But this much residue... could it... no, I'm sure of it! This must be the work of an enemy Stand user!"

Chisame silently counted to ten, before speaking. "First off, why does it have to be a Stand user? That alleyway is on an incline, so it's totally possible that some truck driver was transporting their mass of grape juice, got into an accident around the upper end of the alley, and the product spilled out. And that's what we're looking at. And even if it were the work a Stand user, why would you assume it was an enemy? Hell, the better question is, why do we even care?"

Chisame began to turn and walk off, but Misa reached out with one of SLTS's phantom hands and grabbed her. "No. It isn't something I can really explain, but my instincts are telling me that this is the work of a Stand user."

"... What, you're telling me you have a Stand-sense now? You're Spider-Woman, or something?"

"No, I just grew up in Morioh-cho, that's all. It's a town full of Stand users, so as I result I've developed something like an instinct when it comes to Stand phenomena."

Chisame lifted her glasses for a moment to massage the bridge of her nose. "C'mon, you have got to be bullshitting me."

"No, no, I'm serious. For example, I'm pretty sure that there are at least one or two other Stand users in our class, but I haven't been able to figure out who they are just yet. But I haven't really gotten a malevolent feeling from anyone, so I haven't really looked that hard."

"... So," Chisame began, "let me get this straight. Assuming that your Stand radar is actually a thing, you're telling me that there's an enemy Stand user up this alleyway... and you want us to fight go in there and pick a fight with them. Even though I don't know the first thing about what the hell any of this is about."

Misa nodded. "Yeeah, that just about sums it up."

"In that case," Chisame began as she turned away from the alley, "I'm heading back to the dorm for... stuff. Good luck with your..."

No sooner had she turned fully around, then she found a can of soda levitating in front of her at chest level. "... what the-"

Before she could finish her thought, the can popped its own top and blasted her with dark fluid at an extremely high pressure, the stream hitting Chisame with enough force to send her flying into the alleyway.

"CHISAME!"

And then DIO bludgeoned Jotaro to death with a crossdresser.

As the two schoolgirls got to their feet, they found their exit blocked off by a woman.

The enemy wore high-heeled sandals, a tight miniskirt, and a pink tank-top. Her deeply-tanned skin was covered with crossed-out tattoos of male names. Her nails were painted a bright neon green, much like her lips. The stand user had a haughty air around her, and introduced herself.

"I am ZZ Top", she declared, "and your luck has hit rock bottom!"

Even as she was catching her breath from the attack, Chisame grimaced. "Oh, wonderful, third-rate puns that only work in english. Exactly what I've been missing in my life."

But while Chisame was covering her anxiety with annoyance, Misa felt a thrill shoot up her spine. Her blood began to boil, both with anger and with anticipation! Quickly and dramatically pointing at ZZ Top, Misa demanded, "What was your intention in trapping us he- HEY! I WASN'T DONE YET!"

While Misa had been speaking, the flying soda can had charged her once again. Fortunately, she noticed just quickly enough to try and evade the attack! Unfortunately, in her haste to move, she tripped over her own feet.

ZZ laughed, before leaning forward and rubbing together the fingers on her right hand. "A「paycheck」doesn't need answers, you know?"

Straightening up and taking a step forward with a great big smile, ZZ Top beckoned her Stand to dive-bomb the girls again. "...Now hurry up, my money-in-waiting! Jump into my hands so I can spend you! Submit to the power of「Pop Evil」!"

Pop Evil dove at Misa again, initially coming at her from the right... but it was in actuality a feint, as it swerved around and blasted her in the back with a stream of high-pressure fluid.

While the more experienced Stand users were having their back-and-forth, Chisame was attempting to scoot by unnoticed. "It's not like I have anything to do with this," she told herself. "If this crazy crap keeps up, my computer'll get ruined..."

From behind her came a shout: "And don't think I've forgotten about you, either!"

"Oh, shit-"

"Oh, shit-" SMASH!

Pop Evil came up from between Chisame's legs, and crashed into her jaw from below and sent Chisame flying a few meters backward from the impact.

Misa's eyes widened in shock, before her anger then cooled to a simmer. She'd tend to her friend in a moment, but first? Time to kick some ass.

Rising back to her feet, she began, "Hey, ZZ. You really don't have much experience at this, do you?"

ZZ began to answer, but Misa ignored her and continued speaking. "After all, you were so focused on your all-out attack that you「totally lost track of my Stand」, right?"

ZZ's expression twisted into one of alarm, just as a figure materialized right behind her.

Standing 30 cm taller than Misa herself, the feminine form's appearance gave the initial impression of a costumed wrestler, clad in form-fitting pink and white spandex. On the back of each hand was a circular line broken into thirds. In place of breasts, SLTS's upper chest sported a pair of stereo speakers.

Before ZZ could attempt to have Pop Evil intervene, the Stand plowed its fist into her face with a wild yowl.

ROCKIN!

"Heh, you like that?! That's my Stand, Jukebox Hero!"

As Misa rushed over to help up Chisame, Jukebox Hero continued pounding away at ZZ's body with a flurry of blows.

RARARARARARARARARARRROCKIN~!

Kneeling next to her classmate, Misa asked, "Hasegawa, are you okay?"

Massaging her jaw, Chisame deigned not to reply beyond an irritated scowl.

Jukebox Hero wound back its fist, screaming as it dished out a finishing haymaker.

ROCK OUT!!

Now standing, Chisame eventually was satisfied that the blow to her jaw hadn't cracked any of her teeth. "So let me get this straight. There are Stand users out there, that make a living by running around and beating the crap out of other Stand users."

Misa nodded, still in her serious mode. "Yeah, a lot of Stand users go as far as becoming assassins. I heard from my friends that Italy had a huge problem with that a year or two ago."

Chisame nodded, still upset. "And this... ZZ Top chick, that you just beat the shit out of. She's a Stand Assassin, right? Well then..." The girl took a very deep breath. "Why the hell would somebody send a superpowered assassin after a couple of middle schoolers?!"

Misa scowled. "I don't know yet, but as soon as we make her spill the beans..."

From deeper in the alleyway, where Jukebox Hero had sent ZZ flying, the would-be assassin laughed. "You think you can intimidate me, but you brats've made the same mistake you had the gall to scold me for! POP EVIL, CRUSH THEM!"

For a solid few seconds, there was complete silence, before ZZ attempted to get up. Anxiety beginning to override her previous confidence, she asked, "...why can't I move?"

At that very same moment, ZZ suddenly realized that the bottom half of Chisame's uniform shirt had come unraveled...

Chisame gave the adult assailtant a lazy glance. "I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's because of this."

Turning so that ZZ Top could see it, Chisame revealed something bizarre.

Bound up in an intricate net of threads - the very same threads that previously were part of Chisame's uniform - was Pop Evil, heavily dented and dangling helplessly from her arm.

"I'm guessing that because I've got your Stand all tied up like this, you can't move your own body, either."

ZZ Top paled.

"I'm still not too sure of how I'm controlling these threads, but it looks like whatever damage is inflicted on the user, is passed onto the Stand."

Chisame's gaze hardened a bit, and her Stand snare constricted even tighter around Pop Evil, causing ZZ to cry out in pain as similar indentations began embedding across her skin.

"As expected, I can see that it also works the other way around. ...How very convenient."

Misa glanced at her classmate a bit uncertainly, before coming up to ZZ Top. Crouching over her fallen opponent's form, she began to speak. "Now, then, my good friend here -"

"We're not friends, dammit!"

"... had a good question earlier. Who sent you after us, and why?"

ZZ Top knew that she was defeated, and as pissed as the redheaded girl looked, she decided that cooperation was the better option.

"...I really can't tell you much. Honestly, I don't know a lot! Some rich lady hit me up in an alleyway the other night and gave me 500,000 yen to track students from Mahora Academy, and to attack anyone that was able to see my Stand! You two were just the first ones to react!"

The schoolgirls frowned, and Misa asked, "'Rich lady'? What kind of rich lady?"

ZZ was beginning to sweat. "I really don't know a lot, it was really dark and in a place without much light. But there is one thing that definitely stood out to me!

"The rich woman who hired me had a「star-shaped birthmark on her neck」."

Misa snapped, and punched her prone opponent in the face, breaking her nose. "You're full of crap! I refuse to believe that you were hired by someone from that family! I want the truth, now!"

Above the furious Misa, Jukebox Hero materialized and cracked its knuckles menacingly.

ZZ Top was beginning to sob. "It's not, it's not! I'm not lying! I'm absolutely sure of it! The woman had a birthmark on her neck in the shape of a filled in, five-pointed star!"

Chisame, who had been feeling vindictive just moments before - on account of her computer having possibly been damaged when she took that hit and dropped it earlier - was stunned. She hadn't known her roommate for long, after all, but she hadn't believed that Misa could get so pissed off. Che forcefully yanked Misa back by her shirt collar before demanding, "What the hell is wrong with you? This entire situation is insane, but that chick doesn't have anything to feasibly gain by lying to us!"

Chisame didn't slap her roommate, but she came close.

The two schoolgirls stared each other down, before Misa deflated and turned to walk away. "I keep forgetting, you're new to the world of Stand users. Follow me to a place I know, and I'll explain things on the way."

Chisame spared a glance at ZZ Top, looking rather pitiable in her present state. With an aggravated sigh, she reformed her snare of clothing back into the remainder of her shirt, releasing Pop Evil. Turning to the departing Misa, she asked, "Shouldn't we take her to a hospital or something? ...or maybe a therapist? I mean, you did beat and scare the crap out of her..."

"Nah, SLTS really isn't all that strong. If you released her Stand, then she can leave on her own power."

Dubious, Chisame turned back to ZZ Top, only to find that the woman had already disappeared. Lifting her glasses to massage the bridge of her nose, she muttered, "Damn it, too much weird crap for one day..."

___________

The schoolgirls were steadily walking down the street, toward a karaoke parlor that Misa knew a few blocks away. The guitarist's distress had largely faded by this point, and she was acting more like her usual self.

"I know that there isn't any reason for her to have been lying back there, but what she's saying is impossible. I know the family associated with that birthmark, and there are only two women alive that are Joestars by blood. Holly's as good-hearted as you'd think, and Jolyne is eight. Saying that a Joestar could be employing Stand users to randomly attack other Stand users is like... like..."

Misa searched for something completely and totally ridiculous that she could compare it to. "It would be like if Doctor Hell was the champion of justice trying to save the world from the evil Koji Kabuto and his weapon of terror Mazinger Z. It... it just doesn't work like that!"

Chisame nodded, affirming the impossible analogy with one of her own. "Like if Kamen Rider was a terrorist out to conquer the world, and SHOCKER was a United Nations task force craeted to stop him..."

"Yeah, yeah! The Joestar family is that kind of family of justice! So they just can't be behind such a thing!"

Chisame frowned, and cupped her chin in thought. "You know, I'd really love nothing more than to just go home and say that I'm not involved in this bizarre situation. ...but something tells me that the more I try to stay out of it, the more your world of weird crap is going to try even harder to drag me kicking and screaming back into it, right?"

Misa nodded. "Yep. After all, Stand users inevitably attract other Stand users. It's exactly like the red string of fate!"

"...you do realize that you just compared regular life-and-death battles out of a Rohan Kishibe manga to finding true love of all things, right?"

Misa shrugged, and casually waved away Chisame's remark. "What I meant was, it's fate. It's something that can't be helped, after all."

Chisame let out an exasperated sigh, before something occurred to her. "Incidentally, you referred to your Stand as Jukebox Hero earlier. But the other night and just now, you called it SLTS. What the heck kind of logic got you to that abbreviation?"

"Hrm? Oh, that. Yeah, I haven't showed it to you, have I? The name of my Stand itself is 「Jukebox Hero」, but SLTS refers to a「special ability」it has. Back in my hometown, I normally wound up using that power more than any other aspect of my Stand, so I found myself in the habit of referring to the Stand as a whole by that name,「Smells Like Teen Spirit」."

"...that seems pretty lazy, Kakizaki."

Misa sputtered at that accusation, even as they came up on their destination: Nijimura Karaoke.

Heading on in, Misa energetically waved to the delinquent-looking adult behind the counter, before dragging Chisame into a booth. "That was the owner of this place, Okuyasu Nijimura. He's a friend and Stand-user senpai of mine from my hometown. He looks like a total thug, but he's a sweetie. ...kind of like Kuwabara from YuYu Hakusho, really."

Chisame ordered something fruity, and just let out a sigh. Right now, she was past the point of caring about the cast of weird-ass characters taking it upon themselves to bother her.

"Still," Chisame said, "I guess we should get back to the immediate problem about that woman that was behind ZZ Top... Hey, wait a second. You're so adamant that the woman funding ZZ Top can't be a Joestar, but what if she isn't one? Maybe the birthmark is fake. Like she's using some kind of make-up in order to frame them, or something?"