Bettermyths.com

what he needs to do
is get some russian princess pregnant
and then force her one-day-old baby to murder hodor
thus absolving everyone of responsibility
...
okay I think maybe the norse just have a different definition of dumb decisions

so the moral of the story
is that he who wants to be without sin
should cast the first knifebaby

and Chu is like alright let me see what’s up
so he goes down to the monastery
and Chou Tien is running around doing mad kickflips and kegstands
tracking dirt all over the noble eightfold path
pissing on everyone's nirvana
and Chu Yuan-chang suddenly realizes
that he is not going to get anywhere with this guy
and why the fuck did he even hire him in the first place

she takes the new baby
puts it in a box with some airholes
and throws THAT in the river
because that kinda shit NEVER COMES BACK TO BITE ANYONE IN THE ASS

for those keeping track at home
this raggedy ur-bitch has just murdered two babies
THREE TIMES
and that would have been the end of that
except someone forgot that ireland is composed ENTIRELY OF MAGIC

So there’s some dudes
oh wait shit i got ahead of myself
first there’s only one dude
his name is Iluvatar
(but with an accent over the u
but fuck accents this is america)

But if H.P. Lovecraft has taught us anything
(and I’m not saying that he has)
it is that wandering through the void is an excellent way to go TOTALLY CRAZY
so Melkor basically morphs into a huge asshole
and shows up at the big important Ainu dress rehearsal totally wasted
and with an ELECTRIC GUITAR
[warning: electric guitars are not strictly a canonical part of this myth
but they are a strictly canonical part of any totally sweet band
so suck it]

So the moral of the story
is that shitty music is literally destroying the world.

So Cain goes and hits up Abel later.
He's like "Yo, bro
God really dug your offering, huh?"
and Abel is like "Yeah, well, it was pretty sweet."
And Cain is like "Yeah... yeah...
Hey listen, I actually dug something of yours as well."
And Abel is like "Oh yeah, what is it?"
And Cain is like "YOUR GRAVE, MOTHERFUCKER!"

The truth is, chivalry has basically fuck all to do with women, and everything to do with horses.

See, the word "chivalry" comes from the French word "chevalier," which comes from "cheval," which means "horse." Chivalry is literally just "rules for if you have a horse." This was an important set of rules to have in chivalry times. Horses were the Blackhawk Helicopters of the Middle Ages; if you had a horse, you could absolutely kill anybody who didn't have a horse and nobody was going to say a god damn thing. The only thing stopping you was chivalry.

That's what chivalry was for. Chivalry was – and still is – basically a way of saying, "okay, I have an optimized death machine between my legs, maybe I should look out for people who don't have one of these." So it’s not that chivalry is specifically about defending women because women are weak. It's that chivalry is about defending people who don't own horses, and in the middle ages women didn't own shit.

It's 2015 now. Women can own as many horses as they want. But there are still power structures built into society that put some people in metaphorical Blackhawk helicopters, and other people underneath those helicopters (sometimes the Blackhawk helicopters are also literal).

At this point, you may be thinking “hey, this is bullshit, these are just basic guidelines for not being an asshole!” and congratulations, you’re right. That’s all chivalry is: basic guidelines for how not to be a sack of shit. And as long as a sack of shit is not a good thing to be, chivalry will never die.

Thus commences the party-within-a-party
known as the "Committee of Five."
As the name implies, it has five dudes
but only three that history really cares about:
Ben "Big Dick" Franklin
Thomas "Violent J" Jefferson
and John "Not Samuel" Adams
Everyone wants Adams to write the Declaration
but he's like "Naw, get Jefferson to do it
I'm tired of revolutionizing America for a bit."

So Jefferson throws something together
in like two weeks
and everyone agrees that it sort of sucks
so they revise the hell out of it
which TJ doesn't like because he's a little diva.
The final version looks something like this:

THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
AHEM:
Y'ALL ARE BEING DICKS
AND YOU DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STOP
SO WE OUT.

SINCERELY,
JOHN HANCOCK
(and a bunch of other dudes with smaller names)