The Constructive Criticism Thread

I will definitely try to rewrite it like that on the edit. Although the crystal is only really growing on her hand, and they are trying to get the antidote so it doesn't overtake her bloodstream.

I will try to make it so there is a release of tension, however. Perhaps Liz holds up the fruit triumphantly, but then when she tries to get down she loses the rope, which causes the rest of the conflict.

@DeMarquis — They're using Fountain formatting, which is just a type of Markdown syntax to turn plain text into a screenplay. So on the formatting level, it'll translate. (I use the same tool in my own screenwriting.)

@The Whistle Tropes — On a prose level, you focus too much on the List Of Things That Happen and on the blocking, and not enough on the characters or their motivation.

Note that exact blocking will be handled by the director, and camera direction will be decided by the cinematographer

I'd recommend rewriting paragraphs like

...to be more active:

(Just as an example.)

It's hard to tell why this scene matters — partly because this is just one scene and it would help to have the full context, but also because you haven't given a reason for us to care about the characters yet.

Edited by AwSamWeston on Oct 8th 2020 at 12:27:13 PM

For background:

Autumn, Liz, and Jake have fallen onto the new world with Katie. Autumn was bitten by a crystal monster, whose fang broke off in her hand and is consuming it. If they don't get the fruit from the trapping tree, the crystal will eat her from the inside out. Since she used a bunch of fire against the tree, she has delayed being completely eaten, though she is now missing part of her middle finger. This is also Autumn's first time trying to help someone out instead of being the one being helped, though as shown, it didn't turn out too well.

I am wondering if Autumn is too passive a protagonist, to be honest. From what I've seen, she seems to be that way.

Also, the story is meant to be animated—my characters are furries.

Edited by TheWhistleTropes on Oct 8th 2020 at 1:29:17 PM

So what happened to all the stuff that was on the waiting list? Are those still getting read?

@Whistle For every protagonist, you’ll need to answer the question: why is this story about them? What significance does they their arc or development have that they are the main character?

If you’re worried that Autumn is too passive, you could maybe develop her into a more active character as time goes on. This scene’s a good start.

@Lovecraftian: Did we do yours yet?

Not to my knowledge.

Well, I don't do poetry, so I am happy to move on to your entry in the list. Could you post the link for everyone?

The link on the page should be working. Would you like me to post it here as well?

I'm thinking people are lazy, so the fewer steps involved the more responses you will get.

Fair enough.

Dolore Ex Machina

The numbers below refer to the timestamps you use to separate lines of dialogue.

19:10- “Welcome to the Pyrrhus Space Cruise!” should be “Welcome to the Pyrrhus Space Cruise Company” or “Welcome to Pyrrhus Space Cruises!” The second is more common in contemporary marketing speech.

Since someone is speaking, it should be in quotes.

19:15- From this exchange, “Pyrrhus Space Cruise” appears to refer to a specific ship, not a company that charters space cruises. This may be confusing to some readers because standard ship name nomenclature is to use “the” followed by a name. Naming the ship “Pyrrhus Space Cruise” is a bit confusing. Consider a more traditional name. “The space cruiser Pyrrhus” perhaps?

19:16- “Questionnaire” typically refers to a written form with questions on it. For a spoken interview, “questionnaire” should be “questions.’

19:18, third timestamped line- It isn’t clear who is speaking. If it is the AI, then this line should be a continuation of the previous line with the same timestamp. If it is Hastings, then it should read “Logically, that would be me” , in which case this line should be combined into the next line, stamped 19:19.

As for the substance of the story, I found the situation quite engaging and compelling. You avert several standard “AI gone rogue” tropes, and kept the plot unpredictable enough to maintain a high level of interest. Of course, in a story as short as this, we do not really get the know the characters, and the human inspector especially is a cypher. But as I say, in a story this short that isn’t a problem. The ending is touching and helps us feel sympathy toward the AI. The last line is esp. effective.

I honestly can’t think of any other changes I would recommend to improve the overall story. Well done.

Edited by DeMarquis on Oct 9th 2020 at 11:53:41 AM

I'll take the fact that most of the improvements cited were grammatical in nature as a compliment, if you don't mind.

That said, though, thanks for the corrections.

As for the comments on the story, all I have to say is that the inspector being a cypher was intentional. I intended for the story to do one of two things depending on how one interpreted the ending line: either the story is about completely averting the usual rogue AI tropes (if one believes the inspector) or it's switching them around by implying that the inspector is lying to PITHOS and using his trust to get him to comply. Both are valid; I didn't write the story with the intention of making either more likely than the other. Either way, the story was deliberately short and minimalistic, primarily because I liked the "chat log" style. Felt like it enhanced the feeling I was going for.

I would say that you did good job fulfilling those goals.

Hello there! After a good period of learning lessons from the failure of my dragon ball fanfic and spending the whole year coming up with an original story, i am back with a light-hearted slice of life prequel story called "The Wicked Witch of the Pitch", starring one of the two protagonists of my Pre-20th century Zombie Plague saga: The teenage adventure-seeker Eleanor. It talks about both her daily life as part of a hard-working, Lower class family living in a west midland village and, as the title suggests, her involvment in the village's youth league football program.

Link and critique details on the feedback request page. Have a nice read!

Anybody remember whose turn it is?

We have "Switched" by Discworldfan and the intro cutscene to "A door in the mist" by Ars Thaumaturgis before me.

Edited by kinnikuniverse on Dec 5th 2020 at 3:16:59 PM

I would also like to submit my own story, if you want to do someone else first I’ll wait, just want to get it out their. This is the first draft of my superhero story. Do I have to post in a different thread though or do I post it here.

And do I have to give feedback first?

Edited by MrsDoubtfire1200 on Jan 3rd 2021 at 6:27:09 AM

Bump

Trying to review "Switched", so we can finally get through this list.

Sigh, why does fanfiction.net not allow you to copy/paste from their page?

So, some writing style issues. For example, the second sentence "So you might be thinking what 15 year old boy could feel this strongly about his life." Violates several rules. First off, the first sentence was written in what is called "third person omnicient", which means that the narration refers to Harry Potter in the third person, and shares his innermost thoughts with the reader, as if we were omnicient Gods (more details can be found here). All this is perfectly fine. Except that once you pick a "point of view" as it's called, you aren't supposed to switch (ironic, given the title). Therefore, when the second sentence refers to the readers as "you", the narration is switching "voices" (as they are called) to second person, a mistake. Using second person in a fictional narrative is very unusual, and although there are some successful examples, it's considered experimental and difficult to pull off well. I would recommend that you avoid it.

Your paragraphs are too short. I think you are going for a casual conversational style in your narration, and I think that's a mistake. It makes the narrator a character talking to the reader, and as I point out above, that's considered a very difficult style to use, definitely not for new or first time authors. Stick to a more formal style of description for now. Also, the first sentence of the second paragraph (and the third sentence in the entire story) "Well, Harry was not a normal boy" is a violation of a general rule usually summarized as "Show, don't tell." Generally speaking, if you want the reader to conclude that Harry isn't a normal boy, you should depict him doing something normal in a normal appearing setting (say, at home) and then suddenly doing something magical (like using a spell to complete his chores). This engages the reader much more effectively than simply telling us that he isn't normal.

I understand that you are including an info dump at the beginning as a way to establish how close to cannon your fanfiction is, so I'll give you a pass on that. Normally, however, you shouldn't pack an exposition like that so early in the story. This exposition ends with the sentence that ends "...having endured another round of detention with Dolores Umbridge." It's been awhile since I saw any of the HP movies, but I think this puts us in the middle of number five?

Anyway, after this you begin to describe Harry walking through the school toward his dormitory. It ends with a "crack in space and time" erupting above his bed. I also realize that you want to get through this section quickly so that you can begin the more interesting part with Percy Jackson in Hogwarts, but more has to happen here. Can you describe in more detail how Harry feels about his injury, what the school looks like in more colorful detail, and especially Harry's worries and concerns at this point in the story. The effect you want is to fully enmesh the reader in Harry's situation at this time, encouraging the reader to think ahead about how this situation might play out, and then suddenly change everything up with the switch. That way, it will feel more surprising and interesting.

Then chapter one ended, so that is the end of my critique. Hopefully you found some of my advice helpful. It's not a bad story idea, actually, and I think it just needs some additional refinement to make it work better. Good luck.

So, "A Door To The Mists". It's interesting to review a video here, mostly we get texts! I didn't mind the music so much, but some of the narration did confuse me. "Once you have chosen a path in life, only the sacrifice of that path will do. Going back on it means death" isn't clear to me. How does one sacrifice a "path", and how does one go back on it after it is sacrificed? Also, it isn't clear why the unnamed character can't enter the mists? Is it because she isn't a magic user? Because she can't sacrifice her adventuring path (whatever that would mean) or that she intends to go back on it later?

Anyway, the most serious weakness I see is that it gives me little idea of what the game will be like, nor any reason to want to play it (as opposed to the thousands of other adventuring games out there). Answer this question: what is this game's best or most interesting feature, as a game? Find a way to showcase this feature (or foreshadow it at least) in the intro. What you are trying to do here is peak the potential gamer's interest so that they will wait the full 60 seconds and play the game. There should be some element of narrative tension involved.

So-I gather that there are multiple paths within the game to choose from, but once chosen you can't change your mind?

Excuse the triple post, but I'm trying to move things along. There are two more entries in the request list, but I'm pausing here to let others comment on either of the two works I just reviewed.

Well, since no one posted anything, not even the authors of the pieces I reviewed, I'll just move along then. Next up, "The Wicked Witch of the Pitch"

Ok, so the main critique that I have has to do with "Show, Don't Tell." There is just way too much expository information at the beginning of this story. A little bit is ok, and you start off okay in your description of the town and it's surroundings, but this goes on too long, esp. when you get to the description of your main character. Description is for setting, not characters, and you could even extend it a bit by getting a little more sensory in your description of the town and the little villages around it. What does it look like, sound like, smell like, etc. to be standing right there on the street?

But when you get to the first paragraph about Eleanor, you need to get right into the action. You can say something visual like "A teen-aged girl, long blond mane flowing behind her, ran down the street" or something like that, but she needs to be doing something, or it just comes off flat.

I guess you have a choice to make: do you extend the story to include some of her thieving adventures, or cut that whole thing out and just start on the playing field? I can't tell you what to do, that's your decision as the author, but if you do include a story element, then it has to be shown rather than described, so think carefully about what kind of story you want to tell here.

One thing I can say, Eleanor's status as a courier or a thief is completely irrelevant to understanding what happens on the playing field with the little children. Everything the reader needs to know about her to understand the action is already contained within that section of story, so if you don't want to double the length or something, follow the old rule and cut out everything that doesn't contribute directly to the plot or the theme. You could cut everything from page one, para 4 "Eleanor was a teenaged girl..." to page 3, para 3, "Watching them kicking the ball around, dirtying their feet and pants and attempt silly tricks made The blonde teenager nostalgic." and it would work fine, provided you changed "the blonde teenager" to "Eleanor".

Ok, that's the biggest thing, everything else works well, I could nitpick a few items of grammar, but that's not the most important thing right now. I found the dialogue went smoothly, the characterization was interesting, and the ending was engaging—so overall a good job. Keep it up.

Thank you very much! I'm glad it came off relatively well! Yeah, that's the main problem with me, i explain too much. Which is ironic, since, IRL, I can't explain shit and have to rely on images to get my point across LOL!

Might have something to do with me having grown up watching anime and playing certain video games ("COUGH COUGH" Metal Gear Soild "COUGH COUGH"), where the characters do tend to explain everything and have lots of Exposition. I have to be careful with that.

And also, i'm a visual guy, so i have the image in my head in super HD with every single detail, so when the time comes to transcribe the image in my head into text, it ends up being a wordy wall of text just to describe something that would last, like, 5 seconds to look at if it was a movie or anime, yknow what i'm saying? It's like i'm running a movie in my head and i'm explaining every single scene one by one.

Anyways, thank you for the tips on how to show things in written form. I'll keep that in my notes.

One thing i don't understand, though: I don't really think cutting all of page one, para 4 to page 3, para 3 would be a good choice, since it would remove too much info. maybe rewritting and shortening the scenes would be a better option. The thing is: how should i fix it?

Edited by kinnikuniverse on Jan 14th 2021 at 8:07:43 AM

You would have to show it, which will include a lot of new writing. It's not bad decision, but then the point of the story will change—it wouldn't just be about the football game anymore, but this girl's life as a whole, like a chapter from a larger work. It's going to be a challenge to do, but I wish you luck.