Quotes by Victor Lewis-Smith.
Prank Calls
Security Guard: Security.
Victor: Hello, is that reception, London Weekend Television?
Security Guard: This is security, reception has gone off duty, sir
Victor: Oh, I see, er...I'm supposed to meet somebody in reception, and I wanted to know if they were there...
Security Guard: What's the name of the person you're supposed to meet?
Victor: Haile Selassie.
Security Guard: Haile?
Victor: Selassie.
Security Guard: Is there a Haile Selassie here? ...No.
Victor: Could you possibly, if he does, he will come in very shortly, would you tell him that Marcus Garvey, erm, phoned?
Security Guard: Mmm-hm.
Victor: And that I will meet him, well, it's, erm...meet him in Babylon an Ting?
Security Guard: So when Marcus comes in, right?
Victor: Yep.
Security Guard: And you are supposed to - wait, a gentleman's coming in.
Victor: Oh, is that Haile Selassie?
Security Guard: No, it wasn't him, it was a cab.
Victor: He's, erm...he's a black gentleman.
Security Guard: But when he comes in and asks you, you were gonna meet him at...where was it? I'll make a note of this...
Victor: Babylon and Ting.
Security Guard: Babylon and Ting?
Victor: That's it.
Security Guard: Right you are.
Victor: Thank you, God bless you.
Security Guard: Bye.
— To London Weekend Television
Receptionist: CIA.
Victor: Oh hello, is that the CIA? The spies thing, erm, American?
Receptionist: Yes sir, you're reaching the CIA. What can we do?
Victor: I'm phoning from England.
Receptionist: Yes sir?
Victor: The wildebeest will stalk its prey tonight.
Receptionist: The wildebeest will stalk its prey tonight?
Victor: That's what I just said.
Receptionist: Okay...
Victor: Oh, sorry, wrong person, wrong person. Er, poison-tipped umbrellas and cyanide. I am myself very high up in the British government - hello?
Receptionist: Yes sir...
Victor: Erm, I work for...
Receptionist: Sir, I don't understand why you're calling.
Victor: Well, I work for Ipswich Town Council. Have you heard of that?
Receptionist: No sir.
Victor: Right. Well, we deal with the pencil sharpening, the rubber bands, that sort of thing. I work as a...
Receptionist: Sir, I need to know right away why you're calling us. I have other calls coming in.
Victor: Right, okay. THRUSH.
Receptionist: I beg your pardon?
Victor: THRUSH. I have had dealings with THRUSH.
Receptionist: Sir, I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about.
Victor: Well, it's quite simple. I spoke to your president last week and I said that I wanted to become a spy, to work for the spy thing, the CIA, and he said to phone you...
Receptionist: OK, sir. You would have to send in a resume to the employment office.
Victor: Erm, do you have GCSEs?
Receptionist: I have no idea what those are, sir.
Victor: They are examinations. I've got one, looking at people through glasses that look backwards and I was also once involved in an incident involving Sir Anthony Blunt and a bubble car and some KY Jelly. So would that be enough for the CIA?
Receptionist: Yes sir...
Victor: Right, I've got a set of I Spy books.
Receptionist: Sir, we don't deal in spy books.
Victor: Oh right, that's alright then, lovely. That's all I wanted to know. Oh before I go, there is one thing I have to say, I have to say something...
Receptionist: What's that, sir?
Victor: Well, I know you're going to think this sounds utterly ridiculous...
Receptionist: Yes sir, go ahead.
Victor: I know you're going to think this sounds utterly ridiculous but... alel blehr leh! Bhurdle addle ep!
Receptionist: Sir...
Victor: No! No, no, please don't go! I've always thought I've had a bit of private dick in me!
— To the CIA
Catchphrases
Good evening. My name is Victor, I'm a TV critic, I live in your television set.
