History Quotes / VictorLewisSmith

---> '''Security Guard:''' Security.
---> '''Victor:''' Hello, is that reception, London Weekend Television?
---> '''Security Guard:''' This is security, reception has gone off duty, sir
---> '''Victor:''' Oh, I see, er...I'm supposed to meet somebody in reception, and I wanted to know if they were there...
---> '''Security Guard:''' What's the name of the person you're supposed to meet?
---> '''Victor:''' Haile Selassie.
---> '''Security Guard:''' Haile?
---> '''Victor:''' Selassie.
---> '''Security Guard:''' Is there a Haile Selassie here? ...No.
---> '''Victor:''' Could you possibly, if he does, he will come in very shortly, would you tell him that Marcus Garvey, erm, phoned?
---> '''Security Guard:''' Mmm-hm.
---> '''Victor:''' And that I will meet him, well, it's, erm...meet him in Babylon an Ting?
---> '''Security Guard:''' So when Marcus comes in, right?
---> '''Victor:''' Yep.
---> '''Security Guard:''' And you are supposed to - wait, a gentleman's coming in.
---> '''Victor:''' Oh, is that Haile Selassie?
---> '''Security Guard:''' No, it wasn't him, it was a cab.
---> '''Victor:''' He's, erm...he's a black gentleman.
---> '''Security Guard:''' But when he comes in and asks you, you were gonna meet him at...where was it? I'll make a note of this...
---> '''Victor:''' Babylon and Ting.
---> '''Security Guard:''' Babylon and Ting?
---> '''Victor:''' That's it.
---> '''Security Guard:''' Right you are.
---> '''Victor:''' Thank you, God bless you.
---> '''Security Guard:''' Bye.

---> '''Receptionist:''' CIA.
---> '''Victor:''' Oh hello, is that the CIA? The spies thing, erm, American?
---> '''Receptionist:''' Yes sir, you're reaching the CIA. What can we do?
---> '''Victor:''' I'm phoning from England.
---> '''Receptionist:''' Yes sir?
---> '''Victor:''' The wildebeest will stalk its prey tonight.
---> '''Receptionist:''' The wildebeest will stalk its prey tonight?
---> '''Victor:''' That's what I just said.
---> '''Receptionist:''' Okay...
---> '''Victor:''' Oh, sorry, wrong person, wrong person. Er, poison-tipped umbrellas and cyanide. I am myself very high up in the British government - hello?
---> '''Receptionist:''' Yes sir...
---> '''Victor:''' Erm, I work for...
---> '''Receptionist:''' Sir, I don't understand why you're calling.
---> '''Victor:''' Well, I work for Ipswich Town Council. Have you heard of that?
---> '''Receptionist:''' No sir.
---> '''Victor:''' Right. Well, we deal with the pencil sharpening, the rubber bands, that sort of thing. I work as a...
---> '''Receptionist:''' Sir, I need to know right away why you're calling us. I have other calls coming in.
---> '''Victor:''' Right, okay. [[Series/TheManFromUncle THRUSH]].
---> '''Receptionist:''' I beg your pardon?
---> '''Victor:''' THRUSH. I have had dealings with THRUSH.
---> '''Receptionist:''' Sir, I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about.
---> '''Victor:''' Well, it's quite simple. I spoke to your president last week and I said that I wanted to become a spy, to work for the spy thing, the CIA, and he said to phone you...
---> '''Receptionist:''' OK, sir. You would have to send in a resume to the employment office.
---> '''Victor:''' Erm, do you have {{GCSEs}}?
---> '''Receptionist:''' I have no idea what those are, sir.
---> '''Victor:''' They are examinations. I've got one, looking at people through glasses that look backwards and I was also once involved in an incident involving Sir Anthony Blunt and a bubble car and some KY Jelly. So would that be enough for the CIA?
---> '''Receptionist:''' Yes sir...
---> '''Victor:''' Right, I've got a set of [[Literature/ISpy I Spy books]].
---> '''Receptionist:''' Sir, we don't deal in spy books.
---> '''Victor:''' Oh right, that's alright then, lovely. That's all I wanted to know. Oh before I go, there is one thing I have to say, I have to say something...
---> '''Receptionist:''' What's that, sir?
---> '''Victor:''' Well, I know you're going to think this sounds utterly ridiculous...
---> '''Receptionist:''' Yes sir, go ahead.
---> '''Victor:''' I know you're going to think this sounds utterly ridiculous but... alel blehr leh! Bhurdle addle ep!
---> '''Receptionist:''' Sir...
---> '''Victor:''' No! No, no, please don't go! I've always thought I've had a bit of private dick in me!