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Quotes / Uncanny X-Force

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Wolverine: [pinned by Holocaust] Get 'im off.
Deadpool: What, like, give him a lap dance? Show him a dirty movie? Best friend style massage?
Uncanny X-Force #2

Deadpool: [to Ozymandius] Hey mister, have you seen our dog? Bad breath, adamantium claws, a bit mangy...
Uncanny X-Force #4

Deadpool: [to Archangel] We should team up all the time. You're the perfect foil to my joker--like the Chuck D and Flava Flav of the super hero set!
Uncanny X-Force #4

Wolverine: Bringing that thing back with us was a moment of weakness that Fantomex saved us from.
Deadpool: He murdered a kid.
Wolverine: He saved the world. We saved the world.
Deadpool: That doesn't help me.
Wolverine: Nothing can help you, Wade, because you're in this for all the wrong reasons. Let me save you a few years of psychotherapy and boil down your real dilemma: you're a tick, a bloodsucking mercenary with no heart, motivated solely by money.
Deadpool: [as he leaves] Yeah. But I never killed a kid.
Wolverine: Cut him loose, Warren. Missions are delicate enough. Dirtbag mercenary can't be trusted.
Angel: He never cashed my checks, Logan. Working for me for over a year. Never cashed a one.
Uncanny X-Force #5

Deadpool: So you get a lot of... "private time"?
Fantomex: Private time?
Deadpool: You know, time with yourself... that's... private.
Fantomex: I'm going to stop talking to you now.
Deadpool: You ever get creeped out by the idea of The Watcher? Real-ly encroaches on Lil' Wade's private time. I get into it then—pow! The Watcher's face pops up. His big, fat, voyeuristic mug...
Fantomex: It must be exhausting to live your life so utterly entrenched in the war of manipulating other people's perception of you, Wade. You can't win my friendship with your quivering stream of desperation-banter.
Deadpool: You think I'm worried about winning your approval? I know how people see me. I know what you all think—but guess what? I choose to be who I am anyway. Can you say the same?
Uncanny X-Force #7

Deadpool: What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.
Wolverine: Great. Now, give with the report, ding-dong.
Deadpool: I told Her Majesty Elizabeth Braddock the XII, I have zero idea what "mysterious psychic emissions" look like. But, whatever she thought was going down at this military base, it ain't. Zero. Zilch. Nada.
Wolverine: So, you're just callin' me to tell me nothin'? That right? Do me a favor, Wade?
Deadpool: I can't kiss you through the monitor, hot lips.
Wolverine: You keep wastin' my time, I'll give you somethin' ta kiss.
Uncanny X-Force #8

Dark Beast: But then my scouts disappeared...
Deadpool: Oh, hey, I'm sorry, you must have us mistaken for people who care about your stupid fake world's history. You're wasting my time, and my time is money, and my mind is on my money and my money is on my mind.
Uncanny X-Force #11

Deadpool: [singing] My milkshake is better than yours. Better than yours. Better than yours.
Age of Apocalypse Iceman: A lone dolt and a sword... against the harnessed fury of an ice elemental... trés hopeless.
Deadpool: Seems like the polite thing would be to not rub it in. [narrative box] I think to my true love--waiting back home--
Iceman: You cannot outrun the living cavern of the Ice Men!
Deadpool: [narrative box] Try and cry out--the sounds won't come--totally frozen--locked in quivering darkness--only you on my mind.
Iceman: Batter up!
Deadpool: [narrative box] Mr. Crusty-Bottoms. My love. My cat. I didn't leave any food--the darkness will come for you next. I'll see you soon, my fancy little man. I'll see you--
Uncanny X-Force #16

Deadpool: Bathroom habits tell you more about a person than almost anything. That's why I set up a toilet-cam in the main john. Was watching you fight through that number two earlier and was surprised to see you use the "layer, fold an' hold" toilet paper method. Had you pegged as the "crumble an' swipe" type.
Age of Apocalypse Sabretooth: Buried two friends today, Wade.
Deadpool: I saw, couple o' real big'ns. Guess you post-Apocalypse types don't flush... Kidding aside, they seemed like good guys.
Sabretooth: Never had it easy, but never quit fightin'. Loyal to a fault.
Deadpool: An' you repaid Lil' Halitosis by keeping him on a chain like a dog. Controlling--classic "layer, fold an' hold" personality type.
Uncanny X-Force #19

"Magic land, eh? Well, I'm a sixteenth level ranger in Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. Chaotic neutrals. Saving throws o' plenty."
Deadpool, Uncanny X-Force #20

Deadpool: [as a severed head] Hey, Logan, do me a favor, reach into the third pouch over on my belt and grab my 20-sided die and roll to see which one of you I kill first.
Age of Apocalypse Nightcrawler: [holding Deadpool's severed head] Are you angry with me for continuing your sad existence, Wade?
Deadpool: Mostly I'm sore about you stabbing me in the head, plucking my noggin off the ground like a garbage man.
Nightcrawler: I'm glad the symbolism isn't lost on you.
Deadpool: You know what else isn't lost on me? Our idiot leader prepping me for the Shire then dropping me in Mordor. That was some gnarly battle back there. Those knights seemed to be out of their depth against Goat-Head and his menagerie of Frazetta van paintings.
Uncanny X-Force #21

Deadpool: Intense periods of anger--check. Antisocial personality--check. Depression and anxiety--check and check. Inappropriate intensity--yup. Highly sensitive to rejection. [cough] Jean Grey [cough] Suffered childhood neglect or abuse--checkity check one, two, yos. Irritable, mean, self-mutilation, substance abuse... It's like they created this disorder based on you.
Wolverine: I don't suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, Wade.
Deadpool: It's nothing to be ashamed of. Dr. Phil says most people suffering from narcissism can't detect it in themselves. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, you know? The thing is, what I was getting at, Dr. Phil offers a retreat--a group therapy sort of thing--in Hawaii. I was thinking we could go. No killing, just some getting-to-know-you time. Just the two of us. The island sun, just a couple of heterosexual dudes, floating in the ocean, laughing, gabbing, sharing about their feelings--
Wolverine: Like a team-building exercise.
Deadpool: Exactly!
Wolverine: I'm a member of too many teams as it is.
Deadpool: Yeah but... I sort of figured ours was the most important.
Wolverine: That's because you're a narcissist, Wade.
Deadpool: Me? No way. C'mon. I'm just trying to help you! I have excellent ideas! I'm tired of being rejected by you all! I'm tired of you never acknowledging my accomplishments! I had a rough childhood and deserve some special... treatment... ... oh... okay, I'm starting to see it now.
Uncanny X-Force #22

Deadpool: [propping up a burnt Wolverine] Lucky I found you, Logan. I only stopped because I thought you were some sweet, street BBQ shack. Almost took a bite before I realized it was my little snuggle cousin.
Wolverine: Never agreed to you callin' me that.
Uncanny X-Force #24

Deathlok: You are in Los Angeles, thirty years in your future. There is no need for secrecy. I am not here to hurt you. There are others who are. They anticipate your arrival. And we do not want to be here when they arrive.
Deadpool: I bet you were dying to say, "Come with me if you want to live" right then. And who are "they"?
Uncanny X-Force #28

Future Wolverine: We just can't tell you. Can't risk dinkin' up the time stream any more than we have.
Future Ant-Man: There are terrible dangers in the small pieces you've already learned.
Deadpool: Well, I for one haven't learned anything, if that helps any.
Uncanny X-Force #29

Wolverine: It ain't in 'im, Bets. Wade won't hurt Evan.
Psylocke: Wade is a mentally ill assassin who we put in this situation. Future Deathlok told him that Evan turns evil and war soon follows. Wade could well take that to mean killing the boy is the only option. Whatever he does... it's on us.
Uncanny X-Force #32

Deadpool: C'mon-c'mon-c'mon!
Evan Sabahnur: Why should I trust you? How do I know you and X-Force aren't here to kill me?
Deadpool: [quietly] What am I, some kind of unhinged psychopath covered in guns and swords? That's not the plan, okay? I'm not going to let anything--
Evan Sabahnur: I know why you're here! I know what you people did!
Deadpool: Shhhhhh--shush--shushy--shut it--I'm not here to kill you! Last time we killed you I was in the dumps for-like-ever.
Evan Sabahnur: You're just another liar--another villain! Just like my Uncle Cluster!
Deadpool: Stop that talk. Your Uncle Cluster was a good guy. No foolin'. He died to save Betsy. Did you know that? A guy like that giving his life to save somebody else... I mean, I'm no therapist, but that's growth. If he can lay down his life for someone he loves... there's hope for all of us.
Uncanny X-Force #32

"Before Logan invited me to join this idiot team he asked how many people I'd killed. Like a teenage boy wonders how many other fellows his girl's been with. It's not the kind of number you actually want to hear. How do you tell someone--one day you woke up--and realized--the only thing getting you out of bed was killing? Nothing else like it. The world has more colors, more sounds--every sensation is pure intensity. And I'm good at convincing myself the targets all deserved it. All but one. What we did to this kid last time around--it never fit any rationale I could cook up. It sat there--looking me cold in the eyes all night long. Going to make up for that--I'm going to die to protect this kid. Show Fantomex he's not the only one with a fully developed character arc."
Deadpool (narrative box), Uncanny X-Force #32

Deadpool: You don't want inside my head, ya'll. For reals. I know on the outside I'm all farts and jokes, but I got the broken mind of a deranged killer.
Shadow King: I'm quaking.
Deadpool: Seriously, it's not cute, self-applied ICP insanity. More like "kill your stepbrother and watch squirrels eat his eyes from a shallow woodland grave" crazy.
Uncanny X-Force #32

Deadpool: [after mouth-to-mouth resuscitating Wolverine] There you go, little baby. I wasn't worried for a second. Everyone knew you weren't going to die.
Wolverine: Everyone?
Deadpool: [seemingly pointing through fourth wall] Them. Watching us. See.
Deadpool: [actually pointing in-universe] Through the security camera. What did you think I meant?
Uncanny X-Force #34


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