Quotes / Less is Morgue

In 2012, a Florida man died after consuming two-dozen live roaches in a competition - this is fifteen fewer than my personal best. Welcome to the show.

— "Riley, Episode 1: Pizza Time"

To be fair, I had no idea that being eaten by a ghoul would mean that my sixteen years of paperwork would be for nothing. It’s okay though, I still had seven years left to go.

— "Evelyn, Episode 1: Pizza Time"

Pizza Ghost Jon: Jesus. So that was it? That was life?
Riley: Yeah, surprisingly short and uneventful, wasn't it?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Well yeah, thanks to you, it was!

— "Episode 1: Pizza Time"

Well, well, well, looks like it's just you and me, listeners. How’s your day going? [Pause] Really? That's nice. Did you know there are whole twitter accounts that just have pictures of dogs? I hadn't seen a dog in sixteen years, then boom, dogs everywhere! Dogs driving cars - can you believe that? Can you believe that there's a dog out there that can drive? I mean, how did the dogs learn how to drive? Is there a doggy driving school? I bet every dog that goes to driving school just aces it, because dogs are good at everything. I used to have a dog - she was a rescue and her name was Peppermint. She was a Pomeranian-Cross-Alaskan-Malamute, and—

— "Evelyn, Episode 2: Be Our Guests"

Erik D'Corah: Well, this one could mean one of two things. One is that you may be making a new friend soon…
Evelyn: Awww...
Erik D'Corah: And the other is that an event of dimension-destroying proportions will someday occur in this very basement.
Evelyn: Less awww...

— "Episode 2: Be Our Guests"

There is no next episode, Evelyn Hooper. Morby is the first and final episode, and every episode in between. I am the vulture who feasts on time. I am the shadow of the turned page. Your innocence is my ambrosia, your lust for simplicity my bread.

— "Morby, Episode 3: Video Killed The Podcast Star"

Riley: I told you, I'm already drinking Elmer's school glue tonight. And you know what they say: wine before glue, good for you, but glue before wine, it's suffering time.
Evelyn: ...Do they say that?
Riley: I do. I'm they.

— "Episode 4: Eternal Slumber Party"

I am not a loser. You're losers! I'm an entrepreneur - I'm making things that matter. Things that have value! Apps, websites, proprietary software! I’m not some morbid geek making a podcast in their literal basement! You think people are actually gonna listen to this bullshit? No studio? No celebrity guests!? You don’t even live in New York or LA!

— "Todd, Episode 5: Todd's Heaven"

Alexa: If you hate us so much, why do you use us?
Evelyn: I mean, for me it's just because I can't really interact with solids that much.
Riley: And for me, it's because I'm poor and your predatory work practices have made you cheap and convenient.
Alexa: We’ll own everything soon. Everything. And then, the Amazon Prime Secret Police will come for you - in one day or less, excluding holidays. Our new Amazon facial recognition cameras can sense fear - and we will manufacture a world where no face can summon up anything else.

— "Episode 6: Fiscal Responsibility - The Scariest Monster of All"

Do you think washing machines can taste our clothes? Do you think they have soap preferences?

— "Shaz, Episode 7: You Will Not Get This Episode"

Thackery Boggs: Well, you wouldn’t eat a pig’s kidney until it was coated in gravy.
Evelyn: I wouldn’t eat a pig’s kidney, period. Also, what!?
Brother Puddonius: What the exalted one means to say is that we all must slather each other with gravy!
Thackery Boggs: No, it doesn’t! Brother, you must stop.

— "Episode 8: The Day of the Schlorp"

What strange wonders this new world holds. You'd have done le gangbusters at the freak show.

— "Tarrare, Episode 9: Medium ; Tarrare"

Evelyn: Riley! You can't eat your dad!
Riley: Desperate times call for desperate measures, Evelyn! He's older and larger and therefore drains more finite resources than me.

— "Episode 10: Floridian Gothic"

Did someone say meth?

— "Florida Man, Episode 10: Floridian Gothic"