open/close all folders
Ancient Times
Death as Old as Time
Jack: Pamiu! You say your role in the palace is to protect, but Centurion <Name> knows you killed Caesar!
Pamiu: How dare you accuse me of such an act! I am Cleopatra's most trusted guard, I would never harm her guest!
Jack: And yet, you did! Tell us how it happened! Did you run into Caesar after lunch in the throne room? Did you two have words?
Pamiu (sweating): Wait, you... How do you know that? Did you... see me?
Jack: No, but we found the dagger you dropped at the marketplace after you fled the palace, horrified at what you'd done! Confess, Pamiu, you'll feel better!
Pamiu: Dammit, how can you know all these things? You'd think you'd found a CCTV recording!
(Pamiu facepalms.)
Jack: Did you say CCTV recording? Holy cow, you're from our present! You're an illegal time traveler!
Pamiu: What an idiot I am! I should've guessed that T.I.M.E. would send someone... This wasn't supposed to happen!
Jack: And what WAS supposed to happen, exactly?
Pamiu: I never intended to harm Caesar... I only wanted to bed Cleopatra!
Jack: You... You traveled back in time because you wanted to... sleep with the Queen of Egypt? Are you completely insane?
Pamiu: I knew it was illegal, but... I wanted Cleopatra! And I was making good progress wooing her! I would've succeeded, if it hadn't been for that idiot! Caesar started to get jealous of me! He cornered me in the throne room, and accused me of seducing his Queen! I couldn't have him jeopardize my plan, I had sacrificed too much to get here! So, as soon as he had his back turned, I killed him!
Jack: Do you even realize the mess you've made? Killing a historical figure, like Caesar, three years early can have ripple effects throughout time!
Pamiu: Of course I realize, I work for T.I.M.E., too! My real name's Benjamin Milo, from the research department. I've always worshipped Cleopatra. When I got the job at T.I.M.E., I had to come to see her with my own eyes!
Jack: So you stole a time machine from the agency and time traveled illegally, even though you knew better! And now WE have to fix YOUR mess!
Pamiu: What are you going to do with me? I guess I'll be sent back to the present?
Jack: Of course. But first, we have to show you to Cleopatra, so she won't alter history further by looking for Caesar's assassin for years!
Stranded in GaulPamiu: How dare you accuse me of such an act! I am Cleopatra's most trusted guard, I would never harm her guest!
Jack: And yet, you did! Tell us how it happened! Did you run into Caesar after lunch in the throne room? Did you two have words?
Pamiu (sweating): Wait, you... How do you know that? Did you... see me?
Jack: No, but we found the dagger you dropped at the marketplace after you fled the palace, horrified at what you'd done! Confess, Pamiu, you'll feel better!
Pamiu: Dammit, how can you know all these things? You'd think you'd found a CCTV recording!
(Pamiu facepalms.)
Jack: Did you say CCTV recording? Holy cow, you're from our present! You're an illegal time traveler!
Pamiu: What an idiot I am! I should've guessed that T.I.M.E. would send someone... This wasn't supposed to happen!
Jack: And what WAS supposed to happen, exactly?
Pamiu: I never intended to harm Caesar... I only wanted to bed Cleopatra!
Jack: You... You traveled back in time because you wanted to... sleep with the Queen of Egypt? Are you completely insane?
Pamiu: I knew it was illegal, but... I wanted Cleopatra! And I was making good progress wooing her! I would've succeeded, if it hadn't been for that idiot! Caesar started to get jealous of me! He cornered me in the throne room, and accused me of seducing his Queen! I couldn't have him jeopardize my plan, I had sacrificed too much to get here! So, as soon as he had his back turned, I killed him!
Jack: Do you even realize the mess you've made? Killing a historical figure, like Caesar, three years early can have ripple effects throughout time!
Pamiu: Of course I realize, I work for T.I.M.E., too! My real name's Benjamin Milo, from the research department. I've always worshipped Cleopatra. When I got the job at T.I.M.E., I had to come to see her with my own eyes!
Jack: So you stole a time machine from the agency and time traveled illegally, even though you knew better! And now WE have to fix YOUR mess!
Pamiu: What are you going to do with me? I guess I'll be sent back to the present?
Jack: Of course. But first, we have to show you to Cleopatra, so she won't alter history further by looking for Caesar's assassin for years!
Zara: Venextos, you're under arrest for the murder of Chief Katurix!
Venextos: Why would you say I murdered the Chief? I was going to profit from his negotiations from Romans!
Zara: Yes, that seemed to be your plan, until you changed your mind and followed him up to the dolmen. You picked up a rock and snuck up behind him, cracking him on the skull! Then you wiped your hands with his cape, hid his torc in a snowman, and fled!
Venextos: What?! How- how do you know that?
Zara: We've got you, Venextos. It's useless to lie!
Venextos: The Chief had forsaken us! He was going to leave us to be slaughtered! I kept an eye on him since he didn't pay me, and I saw him creeping out of the village... I followed the Chief up to the dolmen... and heard him ask the gods to provide him protection while he ran away and abandoned the tribe!
Zara: Chief Katurix wasn't going to stay and negotiate with the Romans?
Venextos: No! He was afraid of the Romans, and thought only of saving his own skin! I could not abide such a coward, such a traitor!
Zara: So something changed your Chieftain's mind and he betrayed the tribe... but aren't you also a traitor for turning against your leader instead of reasoning with him?
Venextos: Tribal matters aren't your concern, Romans!
Zara: No, and that's why we're going to leave it up to your fellow villagers to decide what to do with you!
When in RomeVenextos: Why would you say I murdered the Chief? I was going to profit from his negotiations from Romans!
Zara: Yes, that seemed to be your plan, until you changed your mind and followed him up to the dolmen. You picked up a rock and snuck up behind him, cracking him on the skull! Then you wiped your hands with his cape, hid his torc in a snowman, and fled!
Venextos: What?! How- how do you know that?
Zara: We've got you, Venextos. It's useless to lie!
Venextos: The Chief had forsaken us! He was going to leave us to be slaughtered! I kept an eye on him since he didn't pay me, and I saw him creeping out of the village... I followed the Chief up to the dolmen... and heard him ask the gods to provide him protection while he ran away and abandoned the tribe!
Zara: Chief Katurix wasn't going to stay and negotiate with the Romans?
Venextos: No! He was afraid of the Romans, and thought only of saving his own skin! I could not abide such a coward, such a traitor!
Zara: So something changed your Chieftain's mind and he betrayed the tribe... but aren't you also a traitor for turning against your leader instead of reasoning with him?
Venextos: Tribal matters aren't your concern, Romans!
Zara: No, and that's why we're going to leave it up to your fellow villagers to decide what to do with you!
Jack: Claudia Pulchra, we know it was you who killed your mother!
Claudia: Centurion <Name>, what ill thoughts you have! I may have resented my mother, but I wouldn't take her life.
Jack: We know you hated Flavia for forcing you to be a Vestal. She had a very full life, while you had to dedicate yours to a goddess! Which is why you cursed her, asking the gods to tighten a rope around her neck till she died! And when the gods failed you, you did it yourself!
Claudia: How... How do you-
Jack: After that, you realized one of your mother's earrings had gotten caught in your clothes! So you discarded it near the fountain in the square.
Claudia: I... Fine, I admit it, I did kill my mother! She had to die! Only Octavian understands.
Jack: Octavian? Why would he understand?
Claudia: Octavian's the one who makes my life worth living! He's been coming to talk to me. He sympathized with my hatred for my mother. He told me he had troubles with Flavia too... And said that if she were dead he'd free me from my Vestal duties and marry me! My love for Octavian opened my eyes! I never would've thought to free myself if it weren't for him!
Jack: Claudia, you think Octavian cares for you, but he just wanted Flavia dead for political reasons. He manipulated you into doing his dirty work.
Claudia: You're lying, Centurion <Name>. Octavian is good. He'll free me from the Vestal temple, we'll be together!
Jack: Well, he's the one who asked us to find Flavia's killer. We will bring you with him now.
Claudia: He'll pardon me, you'll see!
A Greek of DeathClaudia: Centurion <Name>, what ill thoughts you have! I may have resented my mother, but I wouldn't take her life.
Jack: We know you hated Flavia for forcing you to be a Vestal. She had a very full life, while you had to dedicate yours to a goddess! Which is why you cursed her, asking the gods to tighten a rope around her neck till she died! And when the gods failed you, you did it yourself!
Claudia: How... How do you-
Jack: After that, you realized one of your mother's earrings had gotten caught in your clothes! So you discarded it near the fountain in the square.
Claudia: I... Fine, I admit it, I did kill my mother! She had to die! Only Octavian understands.
Jack: Octavian? Why would he understand?
Claudia: Octavian's the one who makes my life worth living! He's been coming to talk to me. He sympathized with my hatred for my mother. He told me he had troubles with Flavia too... And said that if she were dead he'd free me from my Vestal duties and marry me! My love for Octavian opened my eyes! I never would've thought to free myself if it weren't for him!
Jack: Claudia, you think Octavian cares for you, but he just wanted Flavia dead for political reasons. He manipulated you into doing his dirty work.
Claudia: You're lying, Centurion <Name>. Octavian is good. He'll free me from the Vestal temple, we'll be together!
Jack: Well, he's the one who asked us to find Flavia's killer. We will bring you with him now.
Claudia: He'll pardon me, you'll see!
Zara: Zosime, you're under arrest for the murder of High Priest Pelagios!
Zosime: What? Why would I kill Pelagios? He was my husband! And a spiritual leader to our people!
Zara: We know you took some monkshood and ground it down to create a poisonous concentrate, and applied it to the head of an arrow. Then you waited, hidden near Apollo's Stairway until Pelagios approached, and you shot him in the heart! There's no question it was you, Zosime. Now, tell us why you did it.
Zosime: How do you know all of that? The gods have clearly sided with you and shown you all! I cannot deny it. I killed Pelagios because he was going to murder our baby!
Zara: What?! But you said Pelagios was framing your pregnancy as a "miracle from the gods." Why would he want his own child dead?
Zosime (crying): Because the midwife told me the baby would be a girl. Pelagios was livid that it was not a boy. He said the only child worth Zeus's blessing would be a son! He was going to force me to kill my own child! While it was still in my womb!
Zara: He wanted you to kill your baby because it was a girl?
Zosime (crying): He said he would tell everyone that Zeus took the baby from my "unworthy womb"!
Zara: I understand the situation felt desperate. But you've prevented violence with further violence. There is an innocent man facing retribution for this crime in your stead. I'm afraid we still have to notify the city guards.
Egypt is BurningZosime: What? Why would I kill Pelagios? He was my husband! And a spiritual leader to our people!
Zara: We know you took some monkshood and ground it down to create a poisonous concentrate, and applied it to the head of an arrow. Then you waited, hidden near Apollo's Stairway until Pelagios approached, and you shot him in the heart! There's no question it was you, Zosime. Now, tell us why you did it.
Zosime: How do you know all of that? The gods have clearly sided with you and shown you all! I cannot deny it. I killed Pelagios because he was going to murder our baby!
Zara: What?! But you said Pelagios was framing your pregnancy as a "miracle from the gods." Why would he want his own child dead?
Zosime (crying): Because the midwife told me the baby would be a girl. Pelagios was livid that it was not a boy. He said the only child worth Zeus's blessing would be a son! He was going to force me to kill my own child! While it was still in my womb!
Zara: He wanted you to kill your baby because it was a girl?
Zosime (crying): He said he would tell everyone that Zeus took the baby from my "unworthy womb"!
Zara: I understand the situation felt desperate. But you've prevented violence with further violence. There is an innocent man facing retribution for this crime in your stead. I'm afraid we still have to notify the city guards.
Jack: Queen Cleopatra, we know you murdered Mark Antony!
Cleopatra: Me, kill my one true love? How DARE you make such an outrageous claim!
Jack: You snuck up behind Mark Antony while he was praying to his lar... ... And then slashed his neck from ear to ear using his own sword! Why would you kill the man you love in such a cowardly fashion?
Cleopatra (crying): ......................
Cleopatra: Oh, you just don't understand, do you, Centurion <Name>? I gave Mark Antony the most honorable death of all!
Jack: Honorable death? What on earth do you mean?
Cleopatra: Mark Antony and I realized we were facing defeat against Octavian's army... and that all hope was gone for us and for Egypt. My love could not bear to give Octavian the satisfaction of capturing him! He could not bear the disgrace of being his enemy's prisoner, his enemy's slave! As Queen of Egypt, I could comprehend Mark Antony's desires. So I helped him die! To die on his own terms! I took some blue lotus to calm myself, and we had one final kiss.
Cleopatra (crying): I held Mark Antony tight as I took his sword and drew it across his neck. It was the most devastating moment of my earthly life.
Jack: Queen Cleopatra, this must have been unbeliev-
Regulus (with Cleopatra): Centurion <Name>! I come on behalf of General Octavian!
Regulus: Our Great Consul has caught wind of the Queen of Egypt's arrest, and demands to oversee her trial and ensure that justice is served! She's MY prisoner now!
Nebet: Centurion <Name>, did I just hear correctly? Please don't hand over Queen Cleopatra to that monster. He'll throw her to the crocodiles!
Cleopatra: Do not despair, Nebet. I am ready to face whatever punishment Octavian deems appropriate.
Cleopatra: Me, kill my one true love? How DARE you make such an outrageous claim!
Jack: You snuck up behind Mark Antony while he was praying to his lar... ... And then slashed his neck from ear to ear using his own sword! Why would you kill the man you love in such a cowardly fashion?
Cleopatra (crying): ......................
Cleopatra: Oh, you just don't understand, do you, Centurion <Name>? I gave Mark Antony the most honorable death of all!
Jack: Honorable death? What on earth do you mean?
Cleopatra: Mark Antony and I realized we were facing defeat against Octavian's army... and that all hope was gone for us and for Egypt. My love could not bear to give Octavian the satisfaction of capturing him! He could not bear the disgrace of being his enemy's prisoner, his enemy's slave! As Queen of Egypt, I could comprehend Mark Antony's desires. So I helped him die! To die on his own terms! I took some blue lotus to calm myself, and we had one final kiss.
Cleopatra (crying): I held Mark Antony tight as I took his sword and drew it across his neck. It was the most devastating moment of my earthly life.
Jack: Queen Cleopatra, this must have been unbeliev-
Regulus (with Cleopatra): Centurion <Name>! I come on behalf of General Octavian!
Regulus: Our Great Consul has caught wind of the Queen of Egypt's arrest, and demands to oversee her trial and ensure that justice is served! She's MY prisoner now!
Nebet: Centurion <Name>, did I just hear correctly? Please don't hand over Queen Cleopatra to that monster. He'll throw her to the crocodiles!
Cleopatra: Do not despair, Nebet. I am ready to face whatever punishment Octavian deems appropriate.
The 1960s
Summer of Death
Zara: Major Perkins, you're under arrest for the murder of Noah Lowe!
Perkins: I'm here to recruit youngsters, <Rank> <Name>, not kill them!
Zara: We know that you and Noah argued. He was a pacifist and you were trying to recruit him to your cause... Except it didn't work out as planned, did it? He wouldn't come around to your way of thinking, so you lunged at him, smashing him headfirst into that van! Then you fled the scene. But remorse got the better of you, so you came back and slipped that book quote into the memorial flowers. Did you feel guilty for killing him in a fit of rage?
Perkins: No! That... that's not how it happened!
(Perkins sweats, facepalms.)
Perkins: Alright, you got me! I killed him! But it's not what you think! I don't even know what happened! We were having a heated discussion about military intervention abroad... ... when I heard gunshots! Several in a row, like someone discharging an automatic rifle! It was exactly like being back in 'Nam! There was no time to think. I tackled Noah to the ground and we fell against the van. We lay there until it stopped... but something seemed wrong. There was no screaming, no people running for cover...
Perkins (sweating): And that's when I realized I was mistaken! It wasn't gunfire at all, just a car backfiring!
Perkins: I pushed myself up off the ground and went to give Noah a hand up... But he... he was dead! His skull was cracked from where he hit the van! I... I'd pushed him too hard!
Zara: So, Noah's death was a terrible accident! But why didn't you inform the police?
Perkins: Because.. Because I think I'm losing my marbles, <Rank> <Name>!
Perkins (crying): Things haven't been right since I got back from my last tour... I don't know what's happening to me!
Zara: Major, I'm afraid we have no choice but to hand you over to the army for Noah's murder. A military tribunal will try you for your crimes!
Gone in 30 SecondsPerkins: I'm here to recruit youngsters, <Rank> <Name>, not kill them!
Zara: We know that you and Noah argued. He was a pacifist and you were trying to recruit him to your cause... Except it didn't work out as planned, did it? He wouldn't come around to your way of thinking, so you lunged at him, smashing him headfirst into that van! Then you fled the scene. But remorse got the better of you, so you came back and slipped that book quote into the memorial flowers. Did you feel guilty for killing him in a fit of rage?
Perkins: No! That... that's not how it happened!
(Perkins sweats, facepalms.)
Perkins: Alright, you got me! I killed him! But it's not what you think! I don't even know what happened! We were having a heated discussion about military intervention abroad... ... when I heard gunshots! Several in a row, like someone discharging an automatic rifle! It was exactly like being back in 'Nam! There was no time to think. I tackled Noah to the ground and we fell against the van. We lay there until it stopped... but something seemed wrong. There was no screaming, no people running for cover...
Perkins (sweating): And that's when I realized I was mistaken! It wasn't gunfire at all, just a car backfiring!
Perkins: I pushed myself up off the ground and went to give Noah a hand up... But he... he was dead! His skull was cracked from where he hit the van! I... I'd pushed him too hard!
Zara: So, Noah's death was a terrible accident! But why didn't you inform the police?
Perkins: Because.. Because I think I'm losing my marbles, <Rank> <Name>!
Perkins (crying): Things haven't been right since I got back from my last tour... I don't know what's happening to me!
Zara: Major, I'm afraid we have no choice but to hand you over to the army for Noah's murder. A military tribunal will try you for your crimes!
Jack: Ellie Argent, you're going down for the murder of Billy Snapshot!
Ellie: What? I would never hurt Billy! I was in love with him!
Jack: So you say. But love wasn't on your mind when you followed him to Grand Central Station!
Ellie: I don't know what youre talking about!
Jack: Then you stabbed him in the femoral artery, knowing he would bleed out in under a minute! You even threatened to "end" him in exactly 30 seconds. Time to come clean, Ms Argent. You killed Billy Snapshot!
(Ellie facepalms.)
Ellie: Yes. I did kill him!
Jack: Was it because of his double identity? We know Billy Snapshot was really Rodion Rizovsky, a Soviet spy!
Ellie: He was a Soviet spy?! I had no idea!
Jack: So was it the rejection? Did murder help distract you from heartache?
Ellie: No! Don't you see? I was Sandy Lemko's protegee! ME! Then in walked Billy! He became the golden child. I dreamed of us being a "megastar" couple! But when Billy blew me off, so did Sandy. Then the others stopped talking to me at parties. It was like I was invisible! I HAD to get back in the spotlight!
Jack: And since you couldn't join Billy in the spotlight, you killed him! That's it, Ms Argent! We've heard enough! The courts will deal with you. You could face 20 years in prison!
Houston, We Have a ProblemEllie: What? I would never hurt Billy! I was in love with him!
Jack: So you say. But love wasn't on your mind when you followed him to Grand Central Station!
Ellie: I don't know what youre talking about!
Jack: Then you stabbed him in the femoral artery, knowing he would bleed out in under a minute! You even threatened to "end" him in exactly 30 seconds. Time to come clean, Ms Argent. You killed Billy Snapshot!
(Ellie facepalms.)
Ellie: Yes. I did kill him!
Jack: Was it because of his double identity? We know Billy Snapshot was really Rodion Rizovsky, a Soviet spy!
Ellie: He was a Soviet spy?! I had no idea!
Jack: So was it the rejection? Did murder help distract you from heartache?
Ellie: No! Don't you see? I was Sandy Lemko's protegee! ME! Then in walked Billy! He became the golden child. I dreamed of us being a "megastar" couple! But when Billy blew me off, so did Sandy. Then the others stopped talking to me at parties. It was like I was invisible! I HAD to get back in the spotlight!
Jack: And since you couldn't join Billy in the spotlight, you killed him! That's it, Ms Argent! We've heard enough! The courts will deal with you. You could face 20 years in prison!
Zara: Mr Hamilton, you murdered Mr Segan!
Hamilton: Me? Kill my chance to prove my greatness? You got the wrong guy, Officer <Name>!
Zara: I don't think so. You were angry that Mr Segan wouldn't see you for the hero you thought you were. You confronted him on the launch pad and pushed him to the ground! You used your strength to hold him there and make him admit that you're the star of the mission! And when he refused, you pressed a defibrillator against his head!
Hamilton (sweating): I... No, I didn't!
Zara: How could you kill him? You were both working on the same mission! Was proving your superiority over Segan really that important to you?
Hamilton: Stop it! Okay, I confess, I killed Segan! But not for the reason you think! I only killed Segan to stop the mission... to save myself from being sent to the Moon! Officer <Name>, I can't go to space! There's no air up there! And the Moon, are you crazy? What if I stay up there forever?
Hamilton (grossed out): Just thinking about it makes me feel sick!
Hamilton: I mean, it's SPACE! It's infinite and scary! And did you see the rocket? It's just flimsy metal... How is THAT going to get me to the Moon and back? But who could I tell my fears to? For months now I've been boasting about being a hero... I couldn't just suddenly admit that I was scared! I had to take matters into my own hands! So I went to the rocket early this morning, thinking I could tamper with it and cancel the launch. That's when Segan showed up. He saw me freaking out, and tried to calm me down... But his voice was extra noise, and I started getting dizzy.. Then I realized... HIS brain was behind the space mission. HIS brain was the reason I was being sent to the Moon. Get rid of the brain, and you get rid of the mission.
Zara: I... This is crazy! You've lost all control, Mr Hamilton. We're taking you to Agent Johnson!
What Happens in Vegas...Hamilton: Me? Kill my chance to prove my greatness? You got the wrong guy, Officer <Name>!
Zara: I don't think so. You were angry that Mr Segan wouldn't see you for the hero you thought you were. You confronted him on the launch pad and pushed him to the ground! You used your strength to hold him there and make him admit that you're the star of the mission! And when he refused, you pressed a defibrillator against his head!
Hamilton (sweating): I... No, I didn't!
Zara: How could you kill him? You were both working on the same mission! Was proving your superiority over Segan really that important to you?
Hamilton: Stop it! Okay, I confess, I killed Segan! But not for the reason you think! I only killed Segan to stop the mission... to save myself from being sent to the Moon! Officer <Name>, I can't go to space! There's no air up there! And the Moon, are you crazy? What if I stay up there forever?
Hamilton (grossed out): Just thinking about it makes me feel sick!
Hamilton: I mean, it's SPACE! It's infinite and scary! And did you see the rocket? It's just flimsy metal... How is THAT going to get me to the Moon and back? But who could I tell my fears to? For months now I've been boasting about being a hero... I couldn't just suddenly admit that I was scared! I had to take matters into my own hands! So I went to the rocket early this morning, thinking I could tamper with it and cancel the launch. That's when Segan showed up. He saw me freaking out, and tried to calm me down... But his voice was extra noise, and I started getting dizzy.. Then I realized... HIS brain was behind the space mission. HIS brain was the reason I was being sent to the Moon. Get rid of the brain, and you get rid of the mission.
Zara: I... This is crazy! You've lost all control, Mr Hamilton. We're taking you to Agent Johnson!
Nebet: Frankie Paisley, we know you shot Lorna Westerberg!
Paisley: Me? What reason would I have to blow away some Hollywood actress?
Nebet: You tell us. But we know you attached a silencer to your gun, then waited until she was in the confusion of a crowd of people... ... and when she was good and surrounded, you wiggled in near her, grabbed her arm, and shot her in the chest!
Paisley: Aw, how do you know it wasn't some psycho gettin' their kicks by killin celebrities?
Nebet: Because we found your lucky poker chip at the scene of the crime!
Paisley: I've been lookin' all over for- Argh! Okay, you got me, dammit!
Nebet: Why'd you shoot her, Frankie?
Paisley: Look, you already know she hated losing. And she was a capital-L loser, let me tell ya! I mean, she had money to spare, but it wouldn't last through a week of that kind of losin'! So she told me if I started helping her cheat, she'd split the winnings with me. But then the broad wouldn't pay up! She ignored my threat, and something had to be done! She owed me a lotta money! I put my neck on the line for her! Cheatin' in the casino? A guy can get his legs broke! Or WORSE!
Nebet: So you figured you'd kill her and destroy the evidence in her hotel room?
Paisley: Hey, if she thought she could treat Frankie Paisley Like that, she had another thing comin'! It was me or her!
Nebet: And now you've got another thing coming! Mr Paisley, we're taking you to the local authorities!
Crime and PunishmentPaisley: Me? What reason would I have to blow away some Hollywood actress?
Nebet: You tell us. But we know you attached a silencer to your gun, then waited until she was in the confusion of a crowd of people... ... and when she was good and surrounded, you wiggled in near her, grabbed her arm, and shot her in the chest!
Paisley: Aw, how do you know it wasn't some psycho gettin' their kicks by killin celebrities?
Nebet: Because we found your lucky poker chip at the scene of the crime!
Paisley: I've been lookin' all over for- Argh! Okay, you got me, dammit!
Nebet: Why'd you shoot her, Frankie?
Paisley: Look, you already know she hated losing. And she was a capital-L loser, let me tell ya! I mean, she had money to spare, but it wouldn't last through a week of that kind of losin'! So she told me if I started helping her cheat, she'd split the winnings with me. But then the broad wouldn't pay up! She ignored my threat, and something had to be done! She owed me a lotta money! I put my neck on the line for her! Cheatin' in the casino? A guy can get his legs broke! Or WORSE!
Nebet: So you figured you'd kill her and destroy the evidence in her hotel room?
Paisley: Hey, if she thought she could treat Frankie Paisley Like that, she had another thing comin'! It was me or her!
Nebet: And now you've got another thing coming! Mr Paisley, we're taking you to the local authorities!
Jack: Congressman Winslow! After all your talk about the ambassador's murder being a diplomatic crisis, it turns out you're the cause of it all!
Winslow: Well, aren't we in a tizzy! Why would you ever dream of such a thing? I'm no murderer!
Jack: We know it was you! Romanov's knowledge of your drug use threatened your career and your reputation... so you silenced him!
Winslow: You'd best have proof for these wild accusations, Officer <Name>! Remember who you're talking to!
Jack: We've got evidence alright. You sent the ambassador a coded message to meet him on the embassy driveway. Once he'd arrived, you snuck up behind and strangled him with your garotte watch... before stuffing his mouth with a page from your favorite book! Admit it, Winslow! We have you over a barrel!
Winslow: Alright, fine! I murdered that miserable Rusky! He had some nerve, daring to live on American soil. It's a national disgrace! There can be no peace with the Soviets!
Jack: You're saying you want a conflict with the Soviet Union?
Winslow: Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? Of course I want an armed conflict! We can't just sit back in this stalemate, this so-called Cold War could last decades! The Soviets with their space race and their nuclear arms... we must take them out, now! And I knew just how to do it! I knew killing Romanov would give the Soviets an excuse to launch an attack... And it worked! We're just hours away from an all-out war... and the US will emerge victorious!
Jack: That's insane, deliberately provoking a nuclear war! Surely the Soviets will see through your ploy!
Winslow: You're so naive, Officer <Name>! It doesn't matter what happens to me... the Soviets won't back down! There's no stopping this war!
Jack: I've heard enough, Congressman! You can tell it to the judge! You're going away for a long time!
Winslow: Well, aren't we in a tizzy! Why would you ever dream of such a thing? I'm no murderer!
Jack: We know it was you! Romanov's knowledge of your drug use threatened your career and your reputation... so you silenced him!
Winslow: You'd best have proof for these wild accusations, Officer <Name>! Remember who you're talking to!
Jack: We've got evidence alright. You sent the ambassador a coded message to meet him on the embassy driveway. Once he'd arrived, you snuck up behind and strangled him with your garotte watch... before stuffing his mouth with a page from your favorite book! Admit it, Winslow! We have you over a barrel!
Winslow: Alright, fine! I murdered that miserable Rusky! He had some nerve, daring to live on American soil. It's a national disgrace! There can be no peace with the Soviets!
Jack: You're saying you want a conflict with the Soviet Union?
Winslow: Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? Of course I want an armed conflict! We can't just sit back in this stalemate, this so-called Cold War could last decades! The Soviets with their space race and their nuclear arms... we must take them out, now! And I knew just how to do it! I knew killing Romanov would give the Soviets an excuse to launch an attack... And it worked! We're just hours away from an all-out war... and the US will emerge victorious!
Jack: That's insane, deliberately provoking a nuclear war! Surely the Soviets will see through your ploy!
Winslow: You're so naive, Officer <Name>! It doesn't matter what happens to me... the Soviets won't back down! There's no stopping this war!
Jack: I've heard enough, Congressman! You can tell it to the judge! You're going away for a long time!
Renaissance
A Tudor Murder
Nebet: Agnes Manners, you're under arrest for the murder of Queen Catherine of Aragon!
Agnes (laughing): Are you havin' a laugh?!
Nebet: Ms Manners, the facts are as clear as day. We found the morning star you used to destroy the queen's face, and it was covered with your red hair!
Agnes: Oh, I know, I'm just a lowly tavern maid. It's easy to accuse the likes of me of murder!
Nebet: When you hit her, you ripped her right ear off! We discovered this ear in the street right outside your tavern. Care to explain how it got here?
Agnes (sweating): I... er...
Nebet: We also found the handkerchief you used to clean your hands of royal blood after you killed the queen. But it wasn't able to clean away your guilt, was it?
Agnes: Aaaaooowwwww... you got me, Guard <Name>. I murdered Her Majesty! But I did it for England's sake!
Nebet: How would killing the queen help England?
Agnes: Because Catherine were a dirty traitor! She were havin' secret meetings with a French musketeer in me tavern, whispering about a truce and such nonsense! Guard <Name>, I lost two sons at the hands of French soldiers, and she was talking about forgiving them? My dead sons deserved more respect from their queen is what I told her, when I made me hot cross bun delivery to the palace this mornin'! And then - I just knew what to do! I grabbed a morning star that were lyin' in the throne room, and bashed her with it!
Agnes (crying): Before dying, she denied plotting with that Frenchie. But I knew it were all lies! She were going to betray my boys. My boys who DIED for their country!
Nebet: In actual fact, the queen was not lying. She rejected the truce offer, so you killed her for nothing! And you'll have to explain that to the king!
Agnes: Noooooo, anyone but King Henry!
Hell to PayAgnes (laughing): Are you havin' a laugh?!
Nebet: Ms Manners, the facts are as clear as day. We found the morning star you used to destroy the queen's face, and it was covered with your red hair!
Agnes: Oh, I know, I'm just a lowly tavern maid. It's easy to accuse the likes of me of murder!
Nebet: When you hit her, you ripped her right ear off! We discovered this ear in the street right outside your tavern. Care to explain how it got here?
Agnes (sweating): I... er...
Nebet: We also found the handkerchief you used to clean your hands of royal blood after you killed the queen. But it wasn't able to clean away your guilt, was it?
Agnes: Aaaaooowwwww... you got me, Guard <Name>. I murdered Her Majesty! But I did it for England's sake!
Nebet: How would killing the queen help England?
Agnes: Because Catherine were a dirty traitor! She were havin' secret meetings with a French musketeer in me tavern, whispering about a truce and such nonsense! Guard <Name>, I lost two sons at the hands of French soldiers, and she was talking about forgiving them? My dead sons deserved more respect from their queen is what I told her, when I made me hot cross bun delivery to the palace this mornin'! And then - I just knew what to do! I grabbed a morning star that were lyin' in the throne room, and bashed her with it!
Agnes (crying): Before dying, she denied plotting with that Frenchie. But I knew it were all lies! She were going to betray my boys. My boys who DIED for their country!
Nebet: In actual fact, the queen was not lying. She rejected the truce offer, so you killed her for nothing! And you'll have to explain that to the king!
Agnes: Noooooo, anyone but King Henry!
Jack: Señorita Vázquez, you're under arrest for murdering Mateo Arias!
Isabel: Me, kill Mateo? Didn't you listen to a word I said earlier? I need a husband. He's no good to me dead!
Jack: And yet, we know you gave him a sleeping draught, rendering him drowsy so you could restrain him! Then you used your knowledge of anatomy to torture him for hours, before slitting his throat and leaving him for dead! What we don't know is WHY you did it! Did you get cold feet about the marriage?
Isabel (crying): No, I did it because Mateo killed my father!
(Isabel facepalms.)
Isabel (crying): There's no point in lying anymore. I did kill Mateo. But he destroyed my family and ruined my life!
Jack: What do you mean Mateo killed your father? Was he executed by the Inquisition?
Isabel: It had nothing to do with the Inquisition! See, Mateo had proposed to me while my father was alive, but I rejected him. He was furious... And then, the day after I told him I'd never be desperate enough to marry him, my father was stabbed to death! His killer was never found... and my life fell apart around me! That was exactly what Mateo wanted. He proposed again and I accepted, having no idea that he'd killed my father!
Isabel (crying): But then I overheard him boasting to his friends that he was the one who murdered my father, forcing me into his clutches! I realized that, whatever might happen to me, I couldn't let him live after what he'd done! I seized my chance when Mateo invited me to his torture chamber, to "show off" his work. There'd be nobody there for hours, he said... So while we were there, I spiked his drink. And then I gave him exactly what he deserved! I hope his soul rots in hell!
Jack: We're sorry for your loss, Señorita Vázquez. But murdering Mateo to avenge your father's death wasn't the solution. You're under arrest!
Murder is No JokeIsabel: Me, kill Mateo? Didn't you listen to a word I said earlier? I need a husband. He's no good to me dead!
Jack: And yet, we know you gave him a sleeping draught, rendering him drowsy so you could restrain him! Then you used your knowledge of anatomy to torture him for hours, before slitting his throat and leaving him for dead! What we don't know is WHY you did it! Did you get cold feet about the marriage?
Isabel (crying): No, I did it because Mateo killed my father!
(Isabel facepalms.)
Isabel (crying): There's no point in lying anymore. I did kill Mateo. But he destroyed my family and ruined my life!
Jack: What do you mean Mateo killed your father? Was he executed by the Inquisition?
Isabel: It had nothing to do with the Inquisition! See, Mateo had proposed to me while my father was alive, but I rejected him. He was furious... And then, the day after I told him I'd never be desperate enough to marry him, my father was stabbed to death! His killer was never found... and my life fell apart around me! That was exactly what Mateo wanted. He proposed again and I accepted, having no idea that he'd killed my father!
Isabel (crying): But then I overheard him boasting to his friends that he was the one who murdered my father, forcing me into his clutches! I realized that, whatever might happen to me, I couldn't let him live after what he'd done! I seized my chance when Mateo invited me to his torture chamber, to "show off" his work. There'd be nobody there for hours, he said... So while we were there, I spiked his drink. And then I gave him exactly what he deserved! I hope his soul rots in hell!
Jack: We're sorry for your loss, Señorita Vázquez. But murdering Mateo to avenge your father's death wasn't the solution. You're under arrest!
Zara: Charles Ferrial, you are hereby arrested for the murder of your brother, Nicolas Ferrial, also known as Triboulet the Jester.
Charles: Me? Murder my twin brother? But this is pure fabrication!
Zara: Admit it, Ferrial. You came to Chambord to confront your brother and put an end to the threat he presented to the family once and for all!
Charles: No! All I did was write him a letter! I swear!
Zara: Don't deny it! We know it was you! You used your left-handed rapier! Admit it! You killed him!
(Charles stands, speechless.)
Charles: Yes! I killed him! I ran him through! Triboulet knew how jealous I was of him! He was always "the funny one"! Everyone loved him! I never wanted to be a bean-counter! I wanted to be a jester like my brother! Every joke he made, I knew I could've done it better! But the king could only have one jester! My dream of making the court laugh could never come true! I moved away because I couldn't stand the sight of my brother living the life I dearly wanted for myself!
Zara: So you killed your twin brother because you were jealous of his job?!
Charles: I wouldn't have killed him, but... my brother went too far! He mocked me! He took his... stupid... little... jester staff and started pretending to have a conversation with it about ME! Nicolas always knew exactly how to hurt my pride! The jokes were relentless and I LOST MY CALM! I took his staff and broke it! I ripped off his hat! But that didn't stop him! He kept making jokes! I had had enough! I took my rapier and stabbed him in the stomach, hoping to make it stop! But he KEPT TALKING. So I stabbed him in the heart! And do you know what he did then? He LAUGHED! Finally, I stabbed that idiot in the throat to shut him up forever!
Zara: And now you must face your fate, Ferrial! We shall now remand you to King Francis!
Pride Comes Before the FallCharles: Me? Murder my twin brother? But this is pure fabrication!
Zara: Admit it, Ferrial. You came to Chambord to confront your brother and put an end to the threat he presented to the family once and for all!
Charles: No! All I did was write him a letter! I swear!
Zara: Don't deny it! We know it was you! You used your left-handed rapier! Admit it! You killed him!
(Charles stands, speechless.)
Charles: Yes! I killed him! I ran him through! Triboulet knew how jealous I was of him! He was always "the funny one"! Everyone loved him! I never wanted to be a bean-counter! I wanted to be a jester like my brother! Every joke he made, I knew I could've done it better! But the king could only have one jester! My dream of making the court laugh could never come true! I moved away because I couldn't stand the sight of my brother living the life I dearly wanted for myself!
Zara: So you killed your twin brother because you were jealous of his job?!
Charles: I wouldn't have killed him, but... my brother went too far! He mocked me! He took his... stupid... little... jester staff and started pretending to have a conversation with it about ME! Nicolas always knew exactly how to hurt my pride! The jokes were relentless and I LOST MY CALM! I took his staff and broke it! I ripped off his hat! But that didn't stop him! He kept making jokes! I had had enough! I took my rapier and stabbed him in the stomach, hoping to make it stop! But he KEPT TALKING. So I stabbed him in the heart! And do you know what he did then? He LAUGHED! Finally, I stabbed that idiot in the throat to shut him up forever!
Zara: And now you must face your fate, Ferrial! We shall now remand you to King Francis!
Nebet: Serap, you said you owed your adoptive father everything, but you're the one who killed him!
Serap: Me? He saved me from a life as a street rat, Guard <Name>. No matter what Ibrahim did, I was better off with him in my life!
Nebet: Even after failing to kill the concubine, like he ordered you to? You met him in the library to confess, and that's when things went from bad to worse... Ibrahim lost his temper, which scared you. You hit him with a vase, and then pushed him off the balcony and onto the statue below! Tell us, did Roxelana play any role in this?
Serap: Leave Roxelana out of it!
Zephora (with Serap, sweating): Squawk! Roxelana and Serap in love! Squawk! Kissing, kissing, secret!
Serap: Stupid bird! Fine, I admit it. I killed Ibrahim! I did it to save Roxelana! Guard <Name>, I noticed Roxelana as soon as she joined the harem. She was so beautiful, so gentle... It was no surprise when she became Suleiman's favorite concubine! One night, I climbed the palace walls and entered the harem. Roxelana was awake and reading by candlelight. We went out to the courtyard and spent all night talking. We kept our affair a secret from everyone, including Ibrahim. We'd only meet in the dark of night, to be safe. But then Ibrahim ordered me to kill her. Just because the sultan appreciated her kindness and wisdom! I was torn between love and duty. I owed Ibrahim so much... But I simply couldn't hurt Roxelana. I made sure my arrow missed Roxelana's heart and hit her mirror, and even covered my own hand in acid to pretend that I really had tried to follow Ibrahim's orders... and failed... But Ibrahim would not believe that I could fail once, let alone twice. He was slowly uncovering the truth! I had to act before he killed Roxelana himself!
Nebet: So you murdered your adoptive father to save your true love... We'll have to see what Suleiman makes of this!
Till Death Do Us PartSerap: Me? He saved me from a life as a street rat, Guard <Name>. No matter what Ibrahim did, I was better off with him in my life!
Nebet: Even after failing to kill the concubine, like he ordered you to? You met him in the library to confess, and that's when things went from bad to worse... Ibrahim lost his temper, which scared you. You hit him with a vase, and then pushed him off the balcony and onto the statue below! Tell us, did Roxelana play any role in this?
Serap: Leave Roxelana out of it!
Zephora (with Serap, sweating): Squawk! Roxelana and Serap in love! Squawk! Kissing, kissing, secret!
Serap: Stupid bird! Fine, I admit it. I killed Ibrahim! I did it to save Roxelana! Guard <Name>, I noticed Roxelana as soon as she joined the harem. She was so beautiful, so gentle... It was no surprise when she became Suleiman's favorite concubine! One night, I climbed the palace walls and entered the harem. Roxelana was awake and reading by candlelight. We went out to the courtyard and spent all night talking. We kept our affair a secret from everyone, including Ibrahim. We'd only meet in the dark of night, to be safe. But then Ibrahim ordered me to kill her. Just because the sultan appreciated her kindness and wisdom! I was torn between love and duty. I owed Ibrahim so much... But I simply couldn't hurt Roxelana. I made sure my arrow missed Roxelana's heart and hit her mirror, and even covered my own hand in acid to pretend that I really had tried to follow Ibrahim's orders... and failed... But Ibrahim would not believe that I could fail once, let alone twice. He was slowly uncovering the truth! I had to act before he killed Roxelana himself!
Nebet: So you murdered your adoptive father to save your true love... We'll have to see what Suleiman makes of this!
Jack: Cardinal Cisneros! You are charged with the murder of Fiore Giovanna Piera Grazia de Medici!
Cisneros: Murder?! I am a loyal servant of the Lord!
Jack: Well, can you tell us which of the Lord's orders you were obeying when you snuck into Leonardo da Vinci's workshop, loaded a gun... ... and fired it through the window of Lady Fiore's changing room, sending the bullet straight through her heart?
Cisneros: How do you know that?!
Jack: The Swiss Guard works in mysterious ways, Cardinal. Now, why did you do it?
Cisneros: I wanted Fiore to marry NO ONE! That is why I killed her!
Jack: But... why didn't you want her to marry?
Cisneros: Before this wedding was conceived, Lady Fiore was chaste! She was pure as the baptismal waters, and wholly devoted to the Lord! And she was so beautiful. Many a time I confessed to having impure thoughts of her, but held my sinful desires at bay for fear of tainting the blessed virgin Fiore! Only the Lord deserves such perfection, so I knew I could not have her. And neither could Henry, the brute! So if I can't have Fiore, and if the Lord can't have her, then NO ONE can have her!
Jack: So you murdered her. As if torturing people wasn't bad enough. You're definitely not the holy man you profess to be!
Jack (pointing): Well, thou shalt not get away with murder, Cardinal! The Pope will determine your punishment!
Cisneros: Murder?! I am a loyal servant of the Lord!
Jack: Well, can you tell us which of the Lord's orders you were obeying when you snuck into Leonardo da Vinci's workshop, loaded a gun... ... and fired it through the window of Lady Fiore's changing room, sending the bullet straight through her heart?
Cisneros: How do you know that?!
Jack: The Swiss Guard works in mysterious ways, Cardinal. Now, why did you do it?
Cisneros: I wanted Fiore to marry NO ONE! That is why I killed her!
Jack: But... why didn't you want her to marry?
Cisneros: Before this wedding was conceived, Lady Fiore was chaste! She was pure as the baptismal waters, and wholly devoted to the Lord! And she was so beautiful. Many a time I confessed to having impure thoughts of her, but held my sinful desires at bay for fear of tainting the blessed virgin Fiore! Only the Lord deserves such perfection, so I knew I could not have her. And neither could Henry, the brute! So if I can't have Fiore, and if the Lord can't have her, then NO ONE can have her!
Jack: So you murdered her. As if torturing people wasn't bad enough. You're definitely not the holy man you profess to be!
Jack (pointing): Well, thou shalt not get away with murder, Cardinal! The Pope will determine your punishment!
Altered Present
Back to the Future
Amy: Abrax Tiakken! YOU were the one who killed your tenant, Christopher Scott! You entered his apartment, slashed his throat with an electric knife and left him to die!
Abrax: You think I committed murder? That's a fascinating theory!
Amy: We know you did it! We have a witness who saw you run out of the building, throwing away your blood-stained glove! You murdered our friend and we want to know why!
Abrax: Very well, telling you is of no consequence. I did kill your friend! I've been monitoring him for a while now. A real subversive, he was. Constantly refusing to toe the line, reading forbidden literature. I wasn't surprised when the order came down to eliminate him!
Amy: You got an order? From whom?
Abrax: Have you been living under a rock? From the Ptolemy family of course! They promised me a handsome reward to kill your friend! Mr Scott had failed to grasp that the only path to success and prosperity is unconditional obedience to the regime! And I've seen you on the news, you're wanted criminals! Now I can turn you in and claim a hefty bounty!
Abrax (holding a sword): So, let's go. And don't try anything, or I'll-
Kai (choking his throat): I'm afraid we're not going anywhere!
Abrax: I'm... choking...
(Abrax collapses.)
(Kai leaves.)
Amy: Nice work, Kai! Now that Tiakken's unconscious, let's get him tied up. Then we'll decide what to do next!
Rebel Without a PulseAbrax: You think I committed murder? That's a fascinating theory!
Amy: We know you did it! We have a witness who saw you run out of the building, throwing away your blood-stained glove! You murdered our friend and we want to know why!
Abrax: Very well, telling you is of no consequence. I did kill your friend! I've been monitoring him for a while now. A real subversive, he was. Constantly refusing to toe the line, reading forbidden literature. I wasn't surprised when the order came down to eliminate him!
Amy: You got an order? From whom?
Abrax: Have you been living under a rock? From the Ptolemy family of course! They promised me a handsome reward to kill your friend! Mr Scott had failed to grasp that the only path to success and prosperity is unconditional obedience to the regime! And I've seen you on the news, you're wanted criminals! Now I can turn you in and claim a hefty bounty!
Abrax (holding a sword): So, let's go. And don't try anything, or I'll-
Kai (choking his throat): I'm afraid we're not going anywhere!
Abrax: I'm... choking...
(Abrax collapses.)
(Kai leaves.)
Amy: Nice work, Kai! Now that Tiakken's unconscious, let's get him tied up. Then we'll decide what to do next!
Zara: Sadie, we know you murdered your boyfriend!
Sadie: <Name>, haven't I suffered enough without your baseless accusations?
Zara: There's nothing baseless about them! You attacked Storm with a laser gun at the black market, and then discarded your weapon in Anubis Square!
Sadie: Why would you think that has anything to do with me?
Zara: Because your skin cells and hair were all over the energy cell and protection goggles you used! What confuses us is why you killed the father of your child! Okay, he didn't let your son get vaccinated, but Aldo survived his measles. So no harm done, right?
Sadie: Oh, you have no idea! Measles was the least of it... I killed Storm because he was willing to risk our son's life for his insane plans!
Zara: What do you mean?
Sadie: Nobody notices a six-year-old kid, do they? So, Aldo was the perfect way for Storm to do things like spy on people, and to sneak into places and plant bombs! But you know the worst part of it? He was brainwashing our child! Aldo WANTED to help Storm. As a mother, I had no choice but to protect my son.
Zara: And so you killed Storm?
Sadie (crying): At first I tried to reason with him when I confronted him tonight. I grabbed him, begging him to stop! But he just wouldn't listen, so I did what I had to do to save my son. And I don't regret it one bit!
Zara: Sadie, what Storm was doing to Aldo was horrific, but we still need to inform Isabelle Huxley about what you did to her son!
Bash of the YearSadie: <Name>, haven't I suffered enough without your baseless accusations?
Zara: There's nothing baseless about them! You attacked Storm with a laser gun at the black market, and then discarded your weapon in Anubis Square!
Sadie: Why would you think that has anything to do with me?
Zara: Because your skin cells and hair were all over the energy cell and protection goggles you used! What confuses us is why you killed the father of your child! Okay, he didn't let your son get vaccinated, but Aldo survived his measles. So no harm done, right?
Sadie: Oh, you have no idea! Measles was the least of it... I killed Storm because he was willing to risk our son's life for his insane plans!
Zara: What do you mean?
Sadie: Nobody notices a six-year-old kid, do they? So, Aldo was the perfect way for Storm to do things like spy on people, and to sneak into places and plant bombs! But you know the worst part of it? He was brainwashing our child! Aldo WANTED to help Storm. As a mother, I had no choice but to protect my son.
Zara: And so you killed Storm?
Sadie (crying): At first I tried to reason with him when I confronted him tonight. I grabbed him, begging him to stop! But he just wouldn't listen, so I did what I had to do to save my son. And I don't regret it one bit!
Zara: Sadie, what Storm was doing to Aldo was horrific, but we still need to inform Isabelle Huxley about what you did to her son!
Jack: Monsieur Donkin, you are under arrest for ze murder of Gérard Arnault!
Eugene: Ha! Dear Mr Ambassador, let me guess, you've had a touch too much free champagne? I'm the face of the Ptolemy Dynasty, darlings. Life is beautiful - why ever would I murder someone?
Jack: Do not play wiz us, Monsieur Donkin! We know zat you sent ze victim a message telling 'im to confess his sins because you were coming for 'im! You waited for Monsieur Arnault to take a break from ze party... so zat you could sneak up on 'im and bash 'im over ze 'ead wiz zat cat statue!
Eugene: How dare you?! I would never befoul a cat statue in such a manner!
Jack: And ze icing on ze cake was zat charade you put on afterwards! Pretending you were afraid of ze killer striking again on ze roof!
Eugene: It WAS a fine performance, was it not?
(Eugene sweats, blushes.)
Eugene: I... I've landed myself in it, haven't I? Alright, you got me, I killed Gérard! But only because he was going to condemn me to the same fate! As I told you, Gérard never got over me poking fun at him on national television. He became fixated on finding ways to get back at me! For a long time, I took it in my stride. I'm one of the most famous men in New Cairo, so I've attracted my fair share of enemies! But then I discovered that Gérard had made a recording of me... taken during a moment of weakness!
Jack: And what were you doing in zis recording?
Eugene: I... I criticized our beloved and most devout Ramses XLIII! But I didn't mean it! I was just frustrated that my latest idea for a talk show had been rejected! The Ptolemy Dynasty doesn't tolerate dissent! If Gérard had played the recording to them, this gorgeous head of mine would've ended up on a plate!
Jack: Be zat as it may, Monsieur Donkin. I'm afraid we 'ave no choice but to turn you over to ze 'ead of intelligence for your crimes!
Fake NewsEugene: Ha! Dear Mr Ambassador, let me guess, you've had a touch too much free champagne? I'm the face of the Ptolemy Dynasty, darlings. Life is beautiful - why ever would I murder someone?
Jack: Do not play wiz us, Monsieur Donkin! We know zat you sent ze victim a message telling 'im to confess his sins because you were coming for 'im! You waited for Monsieur Arnault to take a break from ze party... so zat you could sneak up on 'im and bash 'im over ze 'ead wiz zat cat statue!
Eugene: How dare you?! I would never befoul a cat statue in such a manner!
Jack: And ze icing on ze cake was zat charade you put on afterwards! Pretending you were afraid of ze killer striking again on ze roof!
Eugene: It WAS a fine performance, was it not?
(Eugene sweats, blushes.)
Eugene: I... I've landed myself in it, haven't I? Alright, you got me, I killed Gérard! But only because he was going to condemn me to the same fate! As I told you, Gérard never got over me poking fun at him on national television. He became fixated on finding ways to get back at me! For a long time, I took it in my stride. I'm one of the most famous men in New Cairo, so I've attracted my fair share of enemies! But then I discovered that Gérard had made a recording of me... taken during a moment of weakness!
Jack: And what were you doing in zis recording?
Eugene: I... I criticized our beloved and most devout Ramses XLIII! But I didn't mean it! I was just frustrated that my latest idea for a talk show had been rejected! The Ptolemy Dynasty doesn't tolerate dissent! If Gérard had played the recording to them, this gorgeous head of mine would've ended up on a plate!
Jack: Be zat as it may, Monsieur Donkin. I'm afraid we 'ave no choice but to turn you over to ze 'ead of intelligence for your crimes!
Jack: Akhen Khaba, we've reviewed the evidence and we know that you killed Tabu Kebu.
Akhen: Me? But I'm just an intern!
Jack: An intern who cracked under the pressure of an overbearing star news anchor!
Akhen: No, I found ways to manage my stress! The last thing I'd ever want is trouble!
Jack: Admit it! You looked at your pet scorpion one evening and hatched a plan to do away with Tabu Kebu once and for all! You can't hide behind a mask now, Khaba! You killed Tabu Kebu!
Akhen: By Bastet, you lot don't know when to drop it, do you? Yes, I killed Tabu! I was paid to do it!
Jack: You were PAID to kill him? By whom?!
Akhen: I won't waste your time with a coy guessing game... Ramses XLIII! Who else? Tabu was just a talking head for the state propaganda machine, but he started getting crazy ideas that he was an investigative journalist! He started poking his nose around the re-education center, which is how he got flagged. Then he got the scent of some story about special technology that the Ptolemys were hiding from the public. He got too close for their comfort, so I got a phone call to liquidate Tabu! I didn't hesitate. Being an assassin pays far better than this internship ever could! I spent a day taking notes, trying to devise his demise, but then I found the perfect solution! I took my precious pet scorpion to Sphinx News the next day and, well, you know the rest!
Jack: Well, Mr Khaba, you're clever, but not clever enough! We've caught you, and now we're handing you over to the head of security!
Fool's GoldAkhen: Me? But I'm just an intern!
Jack: An intern who cracked under the pressure of an overbearing star news anchor!
Akhen: No, I found ways to manage my stress! The last thing I'd ever want is trouble!
Jack: Admit it! You looked at your pet scorpion one evening and hatched a plan to do away with Tabu Kebu once and for all! You can't hide behind a mask now, Khaba! You killed Tabu Kebu!
Akhen: By Bastet, you lot don't know when to drop it, do you? Yes, I killed Tabu! I was paid to do it!
Jack: You were PAID to kill him? By whom?!
Akhen: I won't waste your time with a coy guessing game... Ramses XLIII! Who else? Tabu was just a talking head for the state propaganda machine, but he started getting crazy ideas that he was an investigative journalist! He started poking his nose around the re-education center, which is how he got flagged. Then he got the scent of some story about special technology that the Ptolemys were hiding from the public. He got too close for their comfort, so I got a phone call to liquidate Tabu! I didn't hesitate. Being an assassin pays far better than this internship ever could! I spent a day taking notes, trying to devise his demise, but then I found the perfect solution! I took my precious pet scorpion to Sphinx News the next day and, well, you know the rest!
Jack: Well, Mr Khaba, you're clever, but not clever enough! We've caught you, and now we're handing you over to the head of security!
Amy: The game's up, Nebet! We know you killed your own father!
Nefertiti: Excuse me? You're forgetting that I'm the one who asked you to look into his murder!
Amy: I admit that's the one part I don't understand. Did you really think you could outsmart <Name>? Then you really learned nothing from your travels with us!
Nefertiti: And do YOU think my mother is going to believe your baseless accusations?
Amy: We have all the proof we need! Nail polish from the drone you used, as well as your DNA left on a gold bar that you didn't melt! I shouldn't be surprised by your lack of loyalty, given that you betrayed our team... But killing your own father? Why did you do it?
Nefertiti: Good God, keep your voices down! Fine. I did murder my father, <Name>! But only because he was going to get rid of me!
Amy: Get rid of you? What do you mean?
Nefertiti: My parents saw me as a liability. See, only Ammon and I know the truth about how the Ptolemy Dynasty rose to power through the centuries. Father thought it risky to keep me here in the palace, where the time machine was kept. He feared I might one day decide to go back and change history again. My parents agreed that they already had their hands full with the resistance, so they decided to send me away... back to Egypt, far away from the time machine! <Name>, I didn't go through all this trouble to be sent to freaking Egypt! I wanted to stay here, where I have real power!
Amy: And so you killed him? Wouldn't that be even more reason for your mother to send you away?
Nefertiti: No, because we wouldn't tell her it was me! You were supposed to accuse Ravi of the murder! I know he'd been planning on killing my father! Pin the murder on him and I swear I'll pardon you for your own crimes.
Amy: As if we could ever trust your word! Or send an innocent man to certain death! Have you really learned NOTHING from us?!
Nefertiti: <Name>, believe me, you want to be on my side when all this goes down. Do as I say or I'll order your execution myself!
Amy: We'll take our chances with the queen. Let's see how she reacts when we tell her you killed her husband!
Nefertiti: Excuse me? You're forgetting that I'm the one who asked you to look into his murder!
Amy: I admit that's the one part I don't understand. Did you really think you could outsmart <Name>? Then you really learned nothing from your travels with us!
Nefertiti: And do YOU think my mother is going to believe your baseless accusations?
Amy: We have all the proof we need! Nail polish from the drone you used, as well as your DNA left on a gold bar that you didn't melt! I shouldn't be surprised by your lack of loyalty, given that you betrayed our team... But killing your own father? Why did you do it?
Nefertiti: Good God, keep your voices down! Fine. I did murder my father, <Name>! But only because he was going to get rid of me!
Amy: Get rid of you? What do you mean?
Nefertiti: My parents saw me as a liability. See, only Ammon and I know the truth about how the Ptolemy Dynasty rose to power through the centuries. Father thought it risky to keep me here in the palace, where the time machine was kept. He feared I might one day decide to go back and change history again. My parents agreed that they already had their hands full with the resistance, so they decided to send me away... back to Egypt, far away from the time machine! <Name>, I didn't go through all this trouble to be sent to freaking Egypt! I wanted to stay here, where I have real power!
Amy: And so you killed him? Wouldn't that be even more reason for your mother to send you away?
Nefertiti: No, because we wouldn't tell her it was me! You were supposed to accuse Ravi of the murder! I know he'd been planning on killing my father! Pin the murder on him and I swear I'll pardon you for your own crimes.
Amy: As if we could ever trust your word! Or send an innocent man to certain death! Have you really learned NOTHING from us?!
Nefertiti: <Name>, believe me, you want to be on my side when all this goes down. Do as I say or I'll order your execution myself!
Amy: We'll take our chances with the queen. Let's see how she reacts when we tell her you killed her husband!
Age of Sail
Anchors Aweigh!
Zara: Officer Felix Humphrey, you are under arrest for the murder of Officer Barnabas Dycker!
Felix: Murder?! Privateers, I am the HMS Highmore SURGEON! I take this accusation as an unfortunate joke on my profession!
Zara: No jokes; this is a very real accusation of murder. We know you bound his hands and legs, then slit his throat with a straight razor. Then you wrapped Dycker in a fishnet, and dragged him onto the port. And to cover your tracks, you hid the fishnet and scrubbed his blood from the deck.
Felix (sweating): You have to understand... it was an accident!
Felix: You see... As the ship's surgeon, I naturally also serve as the ship's barber. When Barnabas returned from the governor's party last night, he was very drunk and decided he wanted a shave. He didn't have much in the way of facial hair, but I obliged, hoping doing the favor might help him overlook the debt he claimed I owed. But the boat rocked some against the port, and his intoxication only made it worse...
Felix (sweating): Then the blade slipped and opened his throat! I could tell immediately the cut was too deep to be mended, and the man died within seconds!
Zara: And then you did your best to hide the incriminating evidence. Well, I guess your best wasn't good enough.
Felix (crying): Please have mercy on me! I only tried to do good! If people heard of this mistake, my career would be finished!
Zara: We'll have to see what your captain has to say about all this. You're under arrest!
A Pirate's Death for MeFelix: Murder?! Privateers, I am the HMS Highmore SURGEON! I take this accusation as an unfortunate joke on my profession!
Zara: No jokes; this is a very real accusation of murder. We know you bound his hands and legs, then slit his throat with a straight razor. Then you wrapped Dycker in a fishnet, and dragged him onto the port. And to cover your tracks, you hid the fishnet and scrubbed his blood from the deck.
Felix (sweating): You have to understand... it was an accident!
Felix: You see... As the ship's surgeon, I naturally also serve as the ship's barber. When Barnabas returned from the governor's party last night, he was very drunk and decided he wanted a shave. He didn't have much in the way of facial hair, but I obliged, hoping doing the favor might help him overlook the debt he claimed I owed. But the boat rocked some against the port, and his intoxication only made it worse...
Felix (sweating): Then the blade slipped and opened his throat! I could tell immediately the cut was too deep to be mended, and the man died within seconds!
Zara: And then you did your best to hide the incriminating evidence. Well, I guess your best wasn't good enough.
Felix (crying): Please have mercy on me! I only tried to do good! If people heard of this mistake, my career would be finished!
Zara: We'll have to see what your captain has to say about all this. You're under arrest!
Jack: I've got to hand it to you, Matuszak. It's a bold move, murdering a pirate like Blackbeard in front of your own tavern!
Lincoln: What? You be sayin' I killed Blackbeard? I swear on the Jeezus man... I didn't murder anyone!
Jack: We know you planned it in advance. We read that sea shanty you wrote, as well as your plans to inject the venom into that orange! We even found your bottle of poison and the syringe you used to inject it with. You sure went to a lot of trouble to make a few extra pounds on beer!
Lincoln: You think I care about that? Blackbeard's murder be worth far more than that! I killed him so I could steal a map to Rackham's lost treasure!
(Lincoln sweats, embarrassed.)
Jack: Treasure? What are you talking about?
Lincoln: Geezum bread! I shoulda never opened my mouth! You see, dem pirates come in here, telling their tall tales; someone saw the Kraken, another says he's cursed by the devil. But Blackbeard was different. When he told a story, you knew he be telling the truth. So two weeks ago, when Blackbeard let it slip he had a map to Rackham's lost treasure, I knew it was no fairy tale! Blackbead trusted nobody, keeping that map in his coat. Stealing that was my chance to make a fortune! But I knew once I'd taken the map, I'd have to kill Blackbeard. He'd never be restin' until he got it back. So I bought that orange and injected it with poison, waiting for Blackbeard to return. When he arrived this morning, I snatched the map from his pocket while he ordered a drink, and I gave him the poisoned fruit!
Jack: And where is this treasure map now?
Lincoln: You think I be telling you that? I hid it where nobody will find it! Only I know the location of Rackham's treasure!
Jack: Well, it won't do you any good in prison. We're handing you over to the authorities!
Shipwrecked!Lincoln: What? You be sayin' I killed Blackbeard? I swear on the Jeezus man... I didn't murder anyone!
Jack: We know you planned it in advance. We read that sea shanty you wrote, as well as your plans to inject the venom into that orange! We even found your bottle of poison and the syringe you used to inject it with. You sure went to a lot of trouble to make a few extra pounds on beer!
Lincoln: You think I care about that? Blackbeard's murder be worth far more than that! I killed him so I could steal a map to Rackham's lost treasure!
(Lincoln sweats, embarrassed.)
Jack: Treasure? What are you talking about?
Lincoln: Geezum bread! I shoulda never opened my mouth! You see, dem pirates come in here, telling their tall tales; someone saw the Kraken, another says he's cursed by the devil. But Blackbeard was different. When he told a story, you knew he be telling the truth. So two weeks ago, when Blackbeard let it slip he had a map to Rackham's lost treasure, I knew it was no fairy tale! Blackbead trusted nobody, keeping that map in his coat. Stealing that was my chance to make a fortune! But I knew once I'd taken the map, I'd have to kill Blackbeard. He'd never be restin' until he got it back. So I bought that orange and injected it with poison, waiting for Blackbeard to return. When he arrived this morning, I snatched the map from his pocket while he ordered a drink, and I gave him the poisoned fruit!
Jack: And where is this treasure map now?
Lincoln: You think I be telling you that? I hid it where nobody will find it! Only I know the location of Rackham's treasure!
Jack: Well, it won't do you any good in prison. We're handing you over to the authorities!
Zara: Curly, we know you killed Evangeline Rousseau!
Curly: Why do people always blame the fat one for everything? I ain't done nothin', Privateer <Name>!
Zara: Look Curly, we found the death threat you sent Mrs Rousseau! Then, last night, you lay in wait for her on the beach... When she arrived, you argued, then threw the contents of the coconut you were drinking in her face, and stabbed her in the neck with your fishing spear!
(Curly is embarrassed.)
Zara: There's no point in denying it, Curly. But what we'd like to know is why you killed her!
Curly: Because the woman wanted to eat me, Privateer <Name>!
Zara: Come again? Mrs Rousseau wanted to... eat you?
Curly: We may not show it, but we're all starvin'! There's 'ardly any fresh fruit, and only Monday knows how to catch the few animals left on the island. And as I told you, Mrs Rousseau wouldn't stop blaming me for eatin' more than me share of the provisions... But then one day she went one step further! At first it were just the odd snide remark from the woman about how nutritious and delicious all me chubby bits would taste... ... And then I realised that she were actually being serious! And that she were tryin' to persuade the others into thinking that killin' and eatin' me was the only way to survive! It were either her or me, Privateer <Name> - she gave me no choice but to kill 'er!
Zara: Gosh, Curly, you sound like you've been through hell and back with Mrs Rousseau. But it still didn't give you the right to commit murder! We have no choice but to let the other islanders know what you did.
Bewitched, Bothered, BewilderedCurly: Why do people always blame the fat one for everything? I ain't done nothin', Privateer <Name>!
Zara: Look Curly, we found the death threat you sent Mrs Rousseau! Then, last night, you lay in wait for her on the beach... When she arrived, you argued, then threw the contents of the coconut you were drinking in her face, and stabbed her in the neck with your fishing spear!
(Curly is embarrassed.)
Zara: There's no point in denying it, Curly. But what we'd like to know is why you killed her!
Curly: Because the woman wanted to eat me, Privateer <Name>!
Zara: Come again? Mrs Rousseau wanted to... eat you?
Curly: We may not show it, but we're all starvin'! There's 'ardly any fresh fruit, and only Monday knows how to catch the few animals left on the island. And as I told you, Mrs Rousseau wouldn't stop blaming me for eatin' more than me share of the provisions... But then one day she went one step further! At first it were just the odd snide remark from the woman about how nutritious and delicious all me chubby bits would taste... ... And then I realised that she were actually being serious! And that she were tryin' to persuade the others into thinking that killin' and eatin' me was the only way to survive! It were either her or me, Privateer <Name> - she gave me no choice but to kill 'er!
Zara: Gosh, Curly, you sound like you've been through hell and back with Mrs Rousseau. But it still didn't give you the right to commit murder! We have no choice but to let the other islanders know what you did.
Jack: Mr de la Cruz, you're under arrest for the murder of Agwé! What do you have to say for yourself?
Jorge: Me, murder Agwé?! I wanted him to give me some space, but I didn't kill him!
Jack: Don't lie to us! We know that you struck Agwé on the head with your cognac bottle, killing him before he even hit the water. Then you ran away, dropping your lucky rabbit foot in your haste to flee the crime scene! But you felt remorse for your actions, didn't you? That's why you buried that voodoo doll of the victim among those reeds, to wish his soul safe passage!
Jorge: You... you must've been gifted with a vision from the voodoo gods to see things so clearly! I confess, I killed Agwé. But I only did it to protect myself!
Jack: What do you mean?
Jorge: I didn't lace that cake with laxatives because I wanted him to leave me alone... I did it because I was scared of what would happen if we spent more time together! I'd started having... feelings... for Agwé. I tried to ignore them, but it was impossible with him following me around! What I didn't realize was that Agwé felt the same way... until he tried to kiss me on the beach! But there's no tolerance for such unnatural acts among pirates, Privateer <Name>! If anyone had found out, they'd have killed the pair of us!
Jack: So your solution was to beat a 17-year-old to death with a bottle?!
Jorge (crying): Violence is all I've ever known. But I didn't mean to kill him, just to scare him off! I... I didn't realize I'd hit him so hard!
Jack: Be that as it may, I'm afraid we have no other option but to place you under arrest and inform your captain of your crimes!
Going Once, Going Twice, Dead!Jorge: Me, murder Agwé?! I wanted him to give me some space, but I didn't kill him!
Jack: Don't lie to us! We know that you struck Agwé on the head with your cognac bottle, killing him before he even hit the water. Then you ran away, dropping your lucky rabbit foot in your haste to flee the crime scene! But you felt remorse for your actions, didn't you? That's why you buried that voodoo doll of the victim among those reeds, to wish his soul safe passage!
Jorge: You... you must've been gifted with a vision from the voodoo gods to see things so clearly! I confess, I killed Agwé. But I only did it to protect myself!
Jack: What do you mean?
Jorge: I didn't lace that cake with laxatives because I wanted him to leave me alone... I did it because I was scared of what would happen if we spent more time together! I'd started having... feelings... for Agwé. I tried to ignore them, but it was impossible with him following me around! What I didn't realize was that Agwé felt the same way... until he tried to kiss me on the beach! But there's no tolerance for such unnatural acts among pirates, Privateer <Name>! If anyone had found out, they'd have killed the pair of us!
Jack: So your solution was to beat a 17-year-old to death with a bottle?!
Jorge (crying): Violence is all I've ever known. But I didn't mean to kill him, just to scare him off! I... I didn't realize I'd hit him so hard!
Jack: Be that as it may, I'm afraid we have no other option but to place you under arrest and inform your captain of your crimes!
Jack: Miss Severine, you're under arrest for the murder of Henri Pelletier!
Simone: MOI?! How DARE you accuse me of such an awful act!
Jack: We dare because we have proof! You left the victim a threat in French!
Simone: French is not uncommon among the well-to-do and educated!
Jack: Is an ink stain also a mark of sophistication? You not only have ink on your dress, but so does the cigar cutter used to prepare the murder weapon! Miss Severine, stop playing games. We know very well that you killed the victim!
Simone: Ha! You call Henri Pelletier a victim?! That man killed my family!
Jack: He what?!
Simone: I told you that I was once Pelletier's employee, but that wasn't entirely true... I was his slave! And so were my parents and my sister, until he sold my parents away from his tobacco plantation!
Simone (crying): After my parents were carted off like cattle, my sister and I tried to escape. We made it to the swamp nearby. But my sister was caught... From a distance, I saw Henri Pelletier himself whip my sister to death!
Simone: I swore that instant that I would be richer and more powerful than he ever was, and that I would exact revenge for what he did to my family!
Jack: Then you made a fortune in explosives...
Simone: Yes, I married well. My husband, may he rest in peace, taught me everything about gun powder and explosives. When the chance to host the auction arrived, I knew that Henri Pelletier would be called upon to act as auctioneer. Finally, I had my chance to kill the man who killed my sister! And that old monster only recognized me just as I struck the match... If only I could light that cigar one thousand times more!
Jack: Once was enough, Miss Severine. I'm sorry for your heartbreaking past, but you are under arrest. We will present you to the Tortugan legal authorities.
Simone: MOI?! How DARE you accuse me of such an awful act!
Jack: We dare because we have proof! You left the victim a threat in French!
Simone: French is not uncommon among the well-to-do and educated!
Jack: Is an ink stain also a mark of sophistication? You not only have ink on your dress, but so does the cigar cutter used to prepare the murder weapon! Miss Severine, stop playing games. We know very well that you killed the victim!
Simone: Ha! You call Henri Pelletier a victim?! That man killed my family!
Jack: He what?!
Simone: I told you that I was once Pelletier's employee, but that wasn't entirely true... I was his slave! And so were my parents and my sister, until he sold my parents away from his tobacco plantation!
Simone (crying): After my parents were carted off like cattle, my sister and I tried to escape. We made it to the swamp nearby. But my sister was caught... From a distance, I saw Henri Pelletier himself whip my sister to death!
Simone: I swore that instant that I would be richer and more powerful than he ever was, and that I would exact revenge for what he did to my family!
Jack: Then you made a fortune in explosives...
Simone: Yes, I married well. My husband, may he rest in peace, taught me everything about gun powder and explosives. When the chance to host the auction arrived, I knew that Henri Pelletier would be called upon to act as auctioneer. Finally, I had my chance to kill the man who killed my sister! And that old monster only recognized me just as I struck the match... If only I could light that cigar one thousand times more!
Jack: Once was enough, Miss Severine. I'm sorry for your heartbreaking past, but you are under arrest. We will present you to the Tortugan legal authorities.
Medieval Asia
A Mongolian Tale
Zara: Erhi, you killed your chief! You stabbed him in the neck, and then let Toduun blame us for it!
Erhi: <Name>, are you really trying to pin this murder on me?
Zara: We're not pinning anything, we know the truth! We know you sent Argat a threat, and then used your dagger to kill him! Why did you do it? You told us that Argat respected your decision of rejecting his marriage proposal! Did you lie?
Erhi: Argat is the one who lied! Yes, I killed him, but only after I discovered that he hadn't accepted my rejection, as I'd thought! A foreigner stayed with us and got close to Argat. Then one day he warned me that the chief was going to force me into marriage! I felt powerless, and the foreigner told me that the only way out was to kill Argat myself. It was such a horrible thought! But he was right... Argat was a stubborn man who wanted everything done his way. He did not even mind going against his own father! Who knew what he would do to me if I were to become his wife! I could have been locked in his yurt, my beloved horse sold to the highest bidder, and my life would have been over! The foreigner left the village, but his words stuck with me... I had to save my future, so I decided I would kill Argat!
Zara: Who was this foreigner, Erhi?
Erhi: What does it matter, <Name>, he is gone now! All that is left is this terrible deed I have done! I can barely believe it is all real!
Erhi: My conscience will torment me forever, but I had no choice!
Zara: And now we are the ones without a choice. We must take you to Toduun - he will decide your fate!
Fountain of DeathErhi: <Name>, are you really trying to pin this murder on me?
Zara: We're not pinning anything, we know the truth! We know you sent Argat a threat, and then used your dagger to kill him! Why did you do it? You told us that Argat respected your decision of rejecting his marriage proposal! Did you lie?
Erhi: Argat is the one who lied! Yes, I killed him, but only after I discovered that he hadn't accepted my rejection, as I'd thought! A foreigner stayed with us and got close to Argat. Then one day he warned me that the chief was going to force me into marriage! I felt powerless, and the foreigner told me that the only way out was to kill Argat myself. It was such a horrible thought! But he was right... Argat was a stubborn man who wanted everything done his way. He did not even mind going against his own father! Who knew what he would do to me if I were to become his wife! I could have been locked in his yurt, my beloved horse sold to the highest bidder, and my life would have been over! The foreigner left the village, but his words stuck with me... I had to save my future, so I decided I would kill Argat!
Zara: Who was this foreigner, Erhi?
Erhi: What does it matter, <Name>, he is gone now! All that is left is this terrible deed I have done! I can barely believe it is all real!
Erhi: My conscience will torment me forever, but I had no choice!
Zara: And now we are the ones without a choice. We must take you to Toduun - he will decide your fate!
Jack: Ayanchin, you're under arrest for the murder of Tangzi!
Ayanchin: What?! Why would I murder Tangzi? If I did that, Subutai would have my head!
Jack: And yet, you did. Had you planned it, I wonder? Or did you just see her sitting at the fountain, and decide on the spot to shoot her with your bow? Then you panicked, and hid the weapon under the fountain, knowing no one but Boucher and the slave ever went there.
Ayanchin: If Tangzi didn't take responsibility for her actions, neither should I!
Jack: You're referring to when she fired you, and then badmouthed you to everyone else?
Ayanchin: It was a long fall downhill for me. First I lost most of my animals in a blizzard, and then I lost my job! What little honor I had left went up in flames! I was going from being a provider of lifeblood to the capital city, to being a pariah with nothing to my name and not even a rotten scrap to eat! I begged Tangzi to stop, and she said she would tell the Great Khan of my inadequacy. But if she did that, I would surely be beheaded!
Jack: So you made sure she couldn't tell the Great Khan.
Ayanchin: It had to be done. She took everything from me! I had to take something of great value from her in return!
Jack: We'll see if the Great Khan shares your philosophy. Ayanchin, you're under arrest!
For Whom the Bell TollsAyanchin: What?! Why would I murder Tangzi? If I did that, Subutai would have my head!
Jack: And yet, you did. Had you planned it, I wonder? Or did you just see her sitting at the fountain, and decide on the spot to shoot her with your bow? Then you panicked, and hid the weapon under the fountain, knowing no one but Boucher and the slave ever went there.
Ayanchin: If Tangzi didn't take responsibility for her actions, neither should I!
Jack: You're referring to when she fired you, and then badmouthed you to everyone else?
Ayanchin: It was a long fall downhill for me. First I lost most of my animals in a blizzard, and then I lost my job! What little honor I had left went up in flames! I was going from being a provider of lifeblood to the capital city, to being a pariah with nothing to my name and not even a rotten scrap to eat! I begged Tangzi to stop, and she said she would tell the Great Khan of my inadequacy. But if she did that, I would surely be beheaded!
Jack: So you made sure she couldn't tell the Great Khan.
Ayanchin: It had to be done. She took everything from me! I had to take something of great value from her in return!
Jack: We'll see if the Great Khan shares your philosophy. Ayanchin, you're under arrest!
Zara: Shi Miyuan, YOU were the one who murdered Jin Bingxu!
Miyuan: Nonsense! Jin Bingxu did a good job keeping Princess Torgoljin prisoner. I had no reason to kill him!
Zara: There's no point lying! We know you'd planned to kill Bingxu ahead of time, sending him that threat! Bingxu obviously didn't go down without a fight, seeing that you broke your abacus during a struggle. After which you fled the scene in Bingxu's riverboat! And for what? Because he wanted more money?
Miyuan: I didn't care about the money! I killed Bingxu because he was jeopardizing the whole operation! He was going to take the princess back to Mongolia!
Zara: Take her back? Why would he do that?
Miyuan: He was going to pretend that he rescued the princess, claiming a hefty reward from Ogedei Khan! Which I obviously couldn't allow him to do. So I needed to eliminate him! I knew he was accustomed to visiting the opera. So I waited for him to arrive this morning, then attacked him with that bell!
Zara: You might've hidden your plans from the Emperor, but I think it's time we let him in on your secret!
Miyuan: Very well, but you're wasting your time. The Emperor always defers to my judgment. This won't be any different!
A Slice of DeathMiyuan: Nonsense! Jin Bingxu did a good job keeping Princess Torgoljin prisoner. I had no reason to kill him!
Zara: There's no point lying! We know you'd planned to kill Bingxu ahead of time, sending him that threat! Bingxu obviously didn't go down without a fight, seeing that you broke your abacus during a struggle. After which you fled the scene in Bingxu's riverboat! And for what? Because he wanted more money?
Miyuan: I didn't care about the money! I killed Bingxu because he was jeopardizing the whole operation! He was going to take the princess back to Mongolia!
Zara: Take her back? Why would he do that?
Miyuan: He was going to pretend that he rescued the princess, claiming a hefty reward from Ogedei Khan! Which I obviously couldn't allow him to do. So I needed to eliminate him! I knew he was accustomed to visiting the opera. So I waited for him to arrive this morning, then attacked him with that bell!
Zara: You might've hidden your plans from the Emperor, but I think it's time we let him in on your secret!
Miyuan: Very well, but you're wasting your time. The Emperor always defers to my judgment. This won't be any different!
Jack: Jyunpei Oyama, you said that being a samurai was all about honor, so why did you murder your shogun in cold blood?
Jyunpei: How dare you make such unfounded accusations!
Jack: There's nothing unfounded about them! We know that you snuck into the shogun's bedroom in the dead of night and confronted him... You had a scuffle, during which you yanked off his kimono belt. Then you grabbed his sword from its sheath and used your kenjutsu skills to slice him cleanly in half! And finally, in a fit of remorse, you ran to the temple and left an offering to the White Snake Goddess to beg forgiveness for your heinous actions!
Jyunpei: I suppose the only honorable thing to do now is to admit my crime. Yes, I killed the shogun! But once you hear my reasons, <Name>, I am certain you will agree that my actions were justified!
Jack: That's unlikely, but we're all ears, Oyama.
Jyunpei: The fact is, I'd become tired of all the fighting and bloodshed. I no longer wanted to kill anyone - whether guilty or innocent! Instead, I decided I'd live out the rest of my days as a quiet, peace-loving monk. But to do this, I had to ask the shogun's permission to leave his employ... and he outright denied my wishes! I begged and I pleaded with him, but to no avail! He said I was the best killing machine he'd ever seen, and that he had plenty more battles for me to fight in! So finally I realised I had no choice. I had to murder the shogun in order to save the hundreds of others I would have killed under his command!
Jack: Jyunpei, I'm afraid that killing one person to potentially save the lives of others still constitutes murder... You will therefore be delivered to the shogun's wife so that justice can be served.
The Wrath of KhanJyunpei: How dare you make such unfounded accusations!
Jack: There's nothing unfounded about them! We know that you snuck into the shogun's bedroom in the dead of night and confronted him... You had a scuffle, during which you yanked off his kimono belt. Then you grabbed his sword from its sheath and used your kenjutsu skills to slice him cleanly in half! And finally, in a fit of remorse, you ran to the temple and left an offering to the White Snake Goddess to beg forgiveness for your heinous actions!
Jyunpei: I suppose the only honorable thing to do now is to admit my crime. Yes, I killed the shogun! But once you hear my reasons, <Name>, I am certain you will agree that my actions were justified!
Jack: That's unlikely, but we're all ears, Oyama.
Jyunpei: The fact is, I'd become tired of all the fighting and bloodshed. I no longer wanted to kill anyone - whether guilty or innocent! Instead, I decided I'd live out the rest of my days as a quiet, peace-loving monk. But to do this, I had to ask the shogun's permission to leave his employ... and he outright denied my wishes! I begged and I pleaded with him, but to no avail! He said I was the best killing machine he'd ever seen, and that he had plenty more battles for me to fight in! So finally I realised I had no choice. I had to murder the shogun in order to save the hundreds of others I would have killed under his command!
Jack: Jyunpei, I'm afraid that killing one person to potentially save the lives of others still constitutes murder... You will therefore be delivered to the shogun's wife so that justice can be served.
Jack: Time's up, Ammon. You're under arrest for the murder of Santiago Sanchez!
Ammon: Alright, I see this little game of ours has come to an end, <Name>. I confess: I killed Sanchez. I'm sure you've found proof, like the good little detectives you are.
Jack: Yes, we have evidence that'll convince even the Khan of your treachery! We've got the letter you sent to the Chinese first minister, convincing him to kidnap Princess Torgoljin... ... and the message you delivered to the Chinese Emperor, suggesting he kill Sanchez! But what's more, we know we can convince the Khan that you handled the murder weapon!
Ammon: Ha! Good luck with that. Even if you do manage to convince the Khan, it won't make a difference. He'll never stand down this close to battle!
Jack: You think you're so clever! Ever since you sabotaged our time machine back in 47 BCE, you've been a thorn in our sides! But you didn't count on us fixing our time machine... or getting Nefertiti arrested, did you? And we managed to escape that twisted alternate present the pair of you had created! See, you aren't as smart as you think you are, Ammon! Not to mention that we stopped you from taking over the trade routes in the Age of Sail!
Ammon: I'll admit that you've been more challenging than Nefertiti or I expected. But none of it matters now! Say you do manage to get the Khan to call off his attack... I've changed the course of history already, you'll never be able to put it back!
Jack: We'll see about that! <Name>, let's get him to the Khan!
Ammon: Alright, I see this little game of ours has come to an end, <Name>. I confess: I killed Sanchez. I'm sure you've found proof, like the good little detectives you are.
Jack: Yes, we have evidence that'll convince even the Khan of your treachery! We've got the letter you sent to the Chinese first minister, convincing him to kidnap Princess Torgoljin... ... and the message you delivered to the Chinese Emperor, suggesting he kill Sanchez! But what's more, we know we can convince the Khan that you handled the murder weapon!
Ammon: Ha! Good luck with that. Even if you do manage to convince the Khan, it won't make a difference. He'll never stand down this close to battle!
Jack: You think you're so clever! Ever since you sabotaged our time machine back in 47 BCE, you've been a thorn in our sides! But you didn't count on us fixing our time machine... or getting Nefertiti arrested, did you? And we managed to escape that twisted alternate present the pair of you had created! See, you aren't as smart as you think you are, Ammon! Not to mention that we stopped you from taking over the trade routes in the Age of Sail!
Ammon: I'll admit that you've been more challenging than Nefertiti or I expected. But none of it matters now! Say you do manage to get the Khan to call off his attack... I've changed the course of history already, you'll never be able to put it back!
Jack: We'll see about that! <Name>, let's get him to the Khan!
The End
Time's Up
Zara: Takhat Wabet? YOU killed Nebet and Ammon?! But... why? How?!
Takhat (fading): Ah, so you figured it all out. I should have known...
Zara: Wait, are you... you're fading! <Name>, the priestess is fading, just like Theo did! What is going on here? Who ARE you, Takhat Wabet?!
Takhat: Don't you understand? I'm Nebet. A bit older than when you knew me, I admit! I've come from the year 2060.
Zara: You're... Nebet? Old Nebet? So... you're fading because... because your younger version is dead... which means she never got old and you can't exist... But if you're Nebet... why would you kill yourself? And why would you kill Ammon? He was your accomplice!
Takhat: Because they wouldn't listen to reason! <Name>, do you remember how my mother exiled me from New Cairo, in 2029?
Zara: Of course, we do! Justice was served for you killing your father!
Takhat: I killed my father because I couldn't bear to see what he'd become! And the long years I spent in exile just convinced me even more that I was right! I should have killed my mother, too, and rid the world of the Ptolemys once and for all! I realized you'd been right all along, <Name>. The drive for power had turned my whole family into heartless tyrants! That wasn't what I'd wanted when I set out to change history for them! In my exile, I also realized the only time I was happy was when I was fighting for justice by your side. I realized I'd been wrong all along.
Zara: So what, you decided to go back in time and give your younger self a stern talking to?
Takhat: Yes... But my younger self wouldn't listen! I used to be so selfish! Such delusions of entitlement! And Ammon wasn't any better! It was clear: the only way I could save the timeline from the Ptolemys was to kill them both!
Zara: How did you even enter our time machine to kill Ammon in his cell?
Takhat: I spotted Amy in the gardens, then I saw her drop her access badge... It'd been a very long time, but I still remembered the layout of the machine like the back of my hand! I went to see Ammon in his cell... the fool thought I was here to save him! But I cut out his heart, just like I had done to my younger self!
Zara: But if you did this to save the timeline, why did you deny both murders when you knew we were investigating? You could've told us it was you!
Takhat: I couldn't bear to be a disappointment to you once again, <Name>. I knew you wouldn't approve of my... methods. I hoped I would fade away before you caught up to me! But I can tell my time has come. I have many regrets, <Name>, but meeting you is not one of them.
Takhat (fades): I hope what I did has salvaged your timeline. Please forgive me for everything else... goodbye, <Name>...
(Takhat fades out of existence.)
Zara: Nebet! ... <Name>, she's gone! Just like she never existed! I can't wrap my mind around this! She killed herself, to save us? <Name>, I think I need some time to digest all of this, I'm sorry. Let's meet back in the time machine, alright?
Takhat (fading): Ah, so you figured it all out. I should have known...
Zara: Wait, are you... you're fading! <Name>, the priestess is fading, just like Theo did! What is going on here? Who ARE you, Takhat Wabet?!
Takhat: Don't you understand? I'm Nebet. A bit older than when you knew me, I admit! I've come from the year 2060.
Zara: You're... Nebet? Old Nebet? So... you're fading because... because your younger version is dead... which means she never got old and you can't exist... But if you're Nebet... why would you kill yourself? And why would you kill Ammon? He was your accomplice!
Takhat: Because they wouldn't listen to reason! <Name>, do you remember how my mother exiled me from New Cairo, in 2029?
Zara: Of course, we do! Justice was served for you killing your father!
Takhat: I killed my father because I couldn't bear to see what he'd become! And the long years I spent in exile just convinced me even more that I was right! I should have killed my mother, too, and rid the world of the Ptolemys once and for all! I realized you'd been right all along, <Name>. The drive for power had turned my whole family into heartless tyrants! That wasn't what I'd wanted when I set out to change history for them! In my exile, I also realized the only time I was happy was when I was fighting for justice by your side. I realized I'd been wrong all along.
Zara: So what, you decided to go back in time and give your younger self a stern talking to?
Takhat: Yes... But my younger self wouldn't listen! I used to be so selfish! Such delusions of entitlement! And Ammon wasn't any better! It was clear: the only way I could save the timeline from the Ptolemys was to kill them both!
Zara: How did you even enter our time machine to kill Ammon in his cell?
Takhat: I spotted Amy in the gardens, then I saw her drop her access badge... It'd been a very long time, but I still remembered the layout of the machine like the back of my hand! I went to see Ammon in his cell... the fool thought I was here to save him! But I cut out his heart, just like I had done to my younger self!
Zara: But if you did this to save the timeline, why did you deny both murders when you knew we were investigating? You could've told us it was you!
Takhat: I couldn't bear to be a disappointment to you once again, <Name>. I knew you wouldn't approve of my... methods. I hoped I would fade away before you caught up to me! But I can tell my time has come. I have many regrets, <Name>, but meeting you is not one of them.
Takhat (fades): I hope what I did has salvaged your timeline. Please forgive me for everything else... goodbye, <Name>...
(Takhat fades out of existence.)
Zara: Nebet! ... <Name>, she's gone! Just like she never existed! I can't wrap my mind around this! She killed herself, to save us? <Name>, I think I need some time to digest all of this, I'm sorry. Let's meet back in the time machine, alright?
