Martin: Not unless you started very young.
Douglas: I did.
Carolyn: All right, Biggles, you divert if something goes very, very seriously wrong. And I am talking "oh dear, surely we had two wings when we started?" wrong.
Carolyn: Arthur, you've been on hundreds of trips. Hasn't the novelty worn off a little?
Arthur: No, never! It's just always exciting, that amazing moment when twelve tons of metal leaves the earth ... and no one knows why!
Carolyn: Yes, we do.
Carolyn: There are four forces at work on the plane and as long as two of them are bigger than the other two, the plane flies.
Arthur: ... Mum, I don't mind that no one knows.
(on aerodynamics and why planes can fly upside-down)
Martin: Yes, Douglas. How does that work?
Douglas: (at a loss, to change the subject) Well, Arthur, there's a very simple explanation. But just to finish what we were saying, Martin, I think it's entirely up to you whether you let the cat in the hold freeze to death.
Arthur: What?! Skipper!
Douglas: No one wants to hear the explanation, what a shame.
(on who forgot to turn on the storage heater in the hold)
Douglas: Masterly use of the passive voice.
Douglas: I can't do that... for two reasons.
(Martin, driving a baggage carrier, has wedged it under a low bridge in the Spanish plains.)
Martin: I'm waiting — I'm waiting for Douglas to say something sarcastic and then sort it out.
Arthur: Ah, right. Of course, Douglas isn't here, skip.
Martin: I know that!
Arthur: I mean, I can try and fill in, but I don't know how good I'll be. (as Douglas) I'm glad we're stuck under this bridge. That's a good thing.
Martin: Stop it, you're not helping!
(during a training seminar designed to help first officers who might be "overly in awe" of their captains)
Douglas: Hang on.
Dr. Duncan: Yes?
Douglas: No, it's just this is going to need really quite a lot of imagination. Okay, got it.
Dr. Duncan: Okay. Step one —
Douglas: No, it's gone again.
(a full 'five-step statement')
Douglas: Well, frankly, it sounds like the biggest load of —
Dr. Duncan: No, no, that's what you might say. 'How does that sound to you?' So, do you want to role-play that through now, Douglas?
Douglas: I would love to. Hey, chief. I might be wrong but I think we're flying into a mountain. This makes me feel scared of the mountain. One thing we could do is pull up and fly over the mountain. How does that sound to — POW!
Douglas: I might be wrong — hahaha, I really must learn to say that with a straight face. I might be wrong, but I think Arthur is about to lose us all our jobs.
Carolyn: This is not —
Douglas: Hang on, I'm only on step two. This makes me feel ... unemployed.
The episode "Limerick", with the crew trying to one-up each other making limericks.
On your left, we're just coming in sight
Of Swindon or Stroud,
All covered in cloud,
And it's much the same thing on the right.
So stow away bags of all kinds.
Then make sure your tray
Is folded away
And your seatback no longer reclines.
Douglas: Excellent, I'm also sure it's going to be fine.
Martin: The thing is, though, I'm not sure it's going to be fine.
Douglas: What an exquisite paradox.
Carolyn: What? Why?
Douglas: Oh, I don't know. Just to see if I can.
Martin: Certainly he can. A man who can imitate a Spanish squirrel helping forty-eight men mow a meadow is capable of anything.
Douglas: Can't we sit in the car, or sit in a bar?
Douglas: Sorry, I thought we were staging an impromptu tribute to Dr. Seuss.
Douglas: Of course. The third one, I met at my wedding. Which was ... a trifle awkward.
Gordon: My hands! What the hell have you done?
Carolyn: Oh dear that does look nasty, Douglas! Could you come in here a minute? (flight deck door opens)
Douglas: Certainly Carolyn, what can I do for you! Oh hello Gordon! Look at you there, sitting in someone elses aircraft with your hands on the control column, for all the world like you were about to steal it. I might get a picture of that! (camera clicks) And another, dont take your hands away!
Arthur: Did Douglas do something clever and now everythings fine?
Arthur: There you are then! Exactly what I said all along. I wish you lot would listen to me sometimes!