- Pretty much anything Sue White does.
- This exchange:
- Alan: *On Mac's ear piercing* Some people find piercings repugnant. Fortunately, I am completely unpierced.Mac: Well, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes. *walks away*Alan: ''Exactly!'' *walks away too, stops, and does a double-take* You...YOU!Angela: ...Banter?Alan: ...Yes.
- One episode has Joanna complaining that Alan is never spontaneous. Later, he calls Joanna's office and tells her to come to his office. Harriet enters instead, and Alan bursts out of a cupboard and begins dancing around, in his underwear, playing the flute, while she stands there in shock.
- Caroline taunting Guy into signing a form saying he didn't sleep with her;Caroline: "Nope, definitely didn't know about the Sue White thing. Do now, though. What a lot of things I know! I'm a walking encyclopedia!"
- Jake takes Caroline home after their date, Guy is looking out at them through the window as they awkwardly talk while leading up to the "end of the date" kiss. In a fit of anger and jealous he opens up the Swiss Army Knife (that's attached to his keys) and throws it at Jake's head. Jake has absolutely no idea what's happening, except that he's in pain, and Guy can be seen running in front of the window throwing his arms up in glee.
- Caroline, who is a doctor, then tells him to get into his car and drive home with the knife still sticking out of his head.
- When Alan comes up with the medical alphabet song to try and impress the director filming at the hospital. He fails, and Alan is seen later venting his frustration.Alan: A is for appendectomy, B is for barium, C is for cystitis, defibrilate's for D. E is for echocardiography, F is for fucking director. G is for gobshite. Heeee, heeee, heee's a bastard. And I, I is bloody pissed off! J is for jiggly jugs, K is for kicking arse and lady lips is L... S is for shits and slits and and tiny tits is T and U is a bastard! V, W, is for wanky-wank and Y-fronts is for Y and... oh, cock off!
- Alan, getting angry at Mac and the surgeons in general, walks into the operating theatre and eats a gall bladder.Caroline: Dr. Statham is eating the patient!
- Angela asks Sue to lower her notice period to three hours:Sue: Do I look like a mug? Have I got a handle? Am I made of china? Am I kept in a cupboard or on a small wooden tree? Would you like to put your lips on my rim? You may answer that question, the others were rhetorical.
- Joanna bends over Harriet, wearing an unflatteringly low v-neck blouse, while Harriet is about to start eating a banana, and starts ticking her off about some intricate bit of administration on the computer. While Joanna's attention is on the screen, Harriet looks at the deep 'v' and clearly gets the urge to put her banana into it...and does so. Joanna freezes before quietly asking Harriet to remove it and then leaving.
- Martin and Guy discussing his love life:
- Martin: (On Karen) She's mad for it! She's like a wild animal!Guy: What, like a zebra?Martin: Wilder!Guy: A warthog?Martin: Wild!Guy: Fish?Martin: Exactly! ( Guy pulls a "WTF?" face at the camera)
- "I'll shoot your pointy face off!"
- Sue catches Guy crying in the cupboard. After trying (for Sue) to be sympathetic she cracks:Sue: Oh pull yourself together, you cretinous fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other peoples' clothes, rocking and whinging to themselves? I'll tell you what kind - a self-centred, egotistical wankpot! Now unhook yourself and stop being so weak. Men don't cry, they're strong hunter-gatherers. So go hunt, go gather, go and be a total cunt because that's what you do best.Guy: FUCK YOU, YOU UGLY BITCH! Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?Sue: I can't deny I'm tempted now that I'm all fired. But no thanks, I'd rather lick my own armpit.
- Martin eating Karen's phone, then later on while talking to Caroline at the pub, it starts ringing.
- Guy singing to the tune of Art Garfunkel's Bright Eyes. During surgery. "You've got a ginger chiiiiiiild! Flowing out of your peeeeeeeeenis! Following the river of sperm downstream... or is it... cream?"
- Mac and Caroline deciding on Geordie accents before a surgery, and Guy's attempts at it are appalling and hilarious. What's especially funny is that, when the scene is cut back to, it implies Caroline, Mac and the nurses have been doing surgery and discussing Martin's exam results the entire time. They only stop when Guy threatens to smother the patient.
- Also from that scene, Guy lights a fag and when Caroline and Mac stare at him in horror; "What? Does it say no smoking?"
- From the same episode, Joanna nailing Alan with a giant exercise ball, cutting him off mid-sentence when he tells the other women at the gym he's "not looking at their...leotards!"
- Mac refuses to sit down in Alans office. Alan responds that hes Macs superior, so... WILL YOU BE SIT?!
- Alan trying to intimidate Lyndon whom Joanna fancies. By wordlessly walking into Lyndon's office, doing some sort of martial arts gesture, removing his trousers and rubbing his bare bottom along the edge of Lynton's desk and walking out.Lyndon: (after Alan leaves) Fucking hell...
- Harriet the absent-minded mum has a few moments.Harriet: Oh, sorry Im late. The kids.Kim: Took forever to get ready?Harriet: Yeah, and the traffic.Rachel: Terrible?Harriet: Wasnt it. Then I had to stop off at... (she opens her bag and takes a cat out of it) Oh. Well who did I leave at the vets then?
- Martin has won money on the scratch-cards and has to Sue for advice. She is holding a ventriloquist's dummy. This scene was mostly improvised.Sue!Dummy: Give Sue White all the money! Come on, give it to Sue! Give it to Sue!(Martin picks up a stapler)Martin!Stapler: No, I don't want to!Sue!Dummy: Oh fuck ooooff, you fucking staplerrrrr.
Funny / Green Wing