Pannic Reads Stuff He Hates

Payday... Wish I got Paid.

Another day, another story about an idiot in a costume. Today's story is The Kings of Crystal, and there's a twist: it's not about an idiot in a costume. It's about multiple idiots in costumes.

I saw it made the feature box, and I just had to chime in. Granted, it's not fair to be prejudiced. Maybe the fic is actually okay. We'll see as I dive into this.

When the Crystal Empire reappeared, Celestia sent Cadance, Shining Armor, and the Elements of Harmony to reclaim it from Sombra, but what she doesn't realize is that... Sombra's already dead. And the new kings are... different.

It's been a while since I saw that episode, but... they weren't really reclaiming it from Sombra. They were more protecting it from him. He was the one trying to reclaim it for himself.

The protagonists of this story are apparently dressed as the SWAT dudes from Payday. I don't know anything about this game, but a cursory glance on wikipedia indicates that they aren't the player characters. They're in-game enemies, with the protagonists being the guys dressed totally not as the Joker's goons from the bank heist in The Dark Knight.

I'm kind of torn, really. On the one hand, maybe it's a good thing that they aren't doing something obvious and done to death. On the other hand, I have a little difficulty buying that this would be a prominent enough thing that four people would dress as these dudes. Then again, I don't play Payday and I've seen people dress as some fairly obscure stuff.

You know, that reminds me. At Comic-Con this year I saw someone dressed as Riley's Ideal Boyfriend, from Inside Out. I think a story with someone like that would be more entertaining. But nope. We only seem to get characters with superpowers and similar power fantasy trappings in these things.

It was a quiet evening in the Crystal Empire. Despair was at an all time high and there was a good chance of freezing to death. As the ponies exited their homes after being awoken from their stasis like slumber. A cry was heard. Everypony turned to look at the frantic pony, who was running down the road.

"The king is dead!" The pony shouted. "The evil king Sombra is dead!"

What? This was great news! Surely the pony does not jest. One does not simply jest about the king.

...huh? Do you even watch the fucking show? I'm in your fucking opening spiel here and already you've completely lost me.

For one thing, as mentioned before, Sombra isn't there when the Crystal Empire reappears. When we see the Crystal Ponies in the two-parter, they're disoriented and the business with being ruled by Sombra is treated like a nightmarish memory. They're not celebrating Princess Cadance for liberating them. Sombra being gone isn't a recent thing.

Furthermore, they wouldn't be a "good chance of freezing to death" because the Crystal Empire always has spring weather. Which should've been obvious by every time we've seen the damn place.

But nitpicking how the story lines up with canon is the prerogative of nerds. Let's look at the prose. "The frantic pony," it says. Which frantic pony? Who is it? Is he a guard? Is he a herald? Is it even a he? It could be a mare, for all we know.

Also, note that the last paragraph changes to present tense for no reason.

(Before the Crowning of the Four Kings)

We weren't even at the crowning of the four kings. What is the crowning of the four kings? Why are there parentheses in this? Why isn't it just "Earlier"?

Whatever. Let's just get on with the chapter. Our four main characters.

Thomas and his friends, Johnny, Francis, and Dominic we're just regular students.

This bodes well.

Okay. Obvious typos aside, we have four protagonists. Let's see what the fic does with them. The task, dear readers, is simple. All the author has to do is give each of the four characters their own distinct characteristics. Now they don't have to be particularly deep or fleshed-out characterizations, but they have to at least be distinct.

All of which attended the same college and were even roommates. As they all filed out of their dorm, everyone that didn't have their attention on them, soon did. Mainly because of the suits they were wearing. The group of students wore the suits of the special S.W.A.T units fro, the game of Payday 2. Thomas being the Taser. Johnny was Shield. Francis had self-designated himself as the Cloaker. And Dominic was suited up as the Skulldozer.

Now, this paragraph might look a lot of drivel, but it gives us some very, very important information: that this story had no editting or proofreading process whatsoever. I don't know what any of these designations mean. The author is assuming that everyone who reads this story is going to know exactly what he's talking about, but I don't. When you write a crossover like this (which you shouldn't), a good general rule should be "write it like you're telling it to someone who doesn't know what this is."

Now anyway, on to the characters.

Thomas is the prodigy of an engineer father. Building and taking apart machines and even helping his father out in an auto shop that he ran. Although Thomas didn't have the body to do the heavy lifting, he had the know how to fix almost any problem. Out of the group of friends, Thomas was the smallest. His small figure usually landed him in trouble because of his attitude towards people who decided to talk about it. He was exactly five feet tall and had pale white skin, granting him the infuriating nickname, 'Edward'.

Johnny, the heir to a large private military organization. He was quite average when compared to his friends, besides the fact that he basically ran a small army. His family had been on hard times until his father saved up enough money to start a small security business, his wife had been the one to keep him from making bad choices with their money. And from then on, their luck and fortune skyrocketed. Johnny was one of the tannest of the group, most that met him had usually mistaken him for being Spanish or Mexican. But sadly, he was not. Compared to Thomas, he was only half of a foot taller.

Francis was the strangest of the bunch. While his family was completely average, father was a banker and mother was a dentist. Francis was usually referred to as the groups 'nutjob'. He had the habit of being slightly bipolar. Not really staying one way for to long. This usually led to rash decisions being made in his life. He was quick to anger, almost as much as Thomas, but he was easy to calm down, one only needed to talk to him. Francis was only slightly shorter than Johnny.

Dominic had been the biggest out of all them. Towering over them at an impressive six feet and eleven inches. Dominic was the peacekeeper of the group. Dominic had always wanted to go into the line of something akin to a politician, but less corrupt. But his young age had kept him from doing so, after so long, he needed a way to pay for student loans and he ended up being hired by the father of Johnny. All though he hated what he did, he couldn't complain about the pay. He never spoke about his family, and his sheer size made him the scariest of the group, so nobody dared to ask, lest they anger the mortal titan.

So the author did put some thought into these people, what their backgrounds are, and their basic personalities. He gets a gold star, despite the fact that this is all laid out in very exposition dump-y paragraphs.

I am now under the distinct impression that English is not the author's first language. Let me check.

So blah blah blah, they're going to E3 in their elaborate costumes because they're rich.

There's a bit of a problem where the author doesn't designate speakers. For example:

"We all ready?!" Johnny shouted as they all gathered around the truck. Everyone raised a fist in a cheer.

"Okay, let's get going." They all went to their respective places in the truck.

So blah blah blah, they get into their truck.

As the group moved to the line of the convention, a single thought ran through all of their minds.

"Time." Francis pulled the pair of night vision goggles down and gave a spinning kick to the air.

"For." Thomas pulled his visor down and readied his unloaded taser.

"A." Johnny pounded his shield to hype up the onlooking crowd of people.

"Payday." Dominic pulled down the screen of his suit, obscuring his face and a skull taking its place.

I'm sure the author thought this was very cool.

So they arrive in Equestria apropos of nothing and inspect themselves. You get the drill. The descriptions are actually okay. There isn't an infodump of the gear they have. Well, there is some, but it's concise and clear enough for me to get what it's supposed to be. Cloaker's voice is filled with static and he has a nightstick. Blah blah blah.

"This is definitely real, or we're some freaky drugs..." Johnny hoisted his shield and CMP off of the floor and held both on either side of him.

"Let's find out where we are and get the hell out of here."

Oh wow. A reasonable reaction, like what an actual human being might do.

I realize I might be sounding a little too nice to this story, but it's at least bothering to try. On the other hand, despite the infodump paragraphs earlier, I don't get a really distinct sense from any of the four characters beyond "dude."

But moving on to having things happening.

Murmurs of agreement were made as the group of students made their way out of the bedroom. They immediately stopped as soon as they exited the room. The room they were just in was nothing compared to hallway they just entered. The ceiling was nearly twice as high. They looked obht left and right down the hallway, rows upon rows of doors lined the hallway. The only thing they noticed was a door that was bigger than the rest. They all decided to move towards that one.

With gear and weapons in tow, they trudged to the large door. And in no time they were already before it.

"Ready?" Dominic asked, his hand on the door and face plate down. The rest of them nodded. Dominic pushed open the door. What greeted them on the other side was one of the strangest sights they would ever see.

As they filed into the large room, only one thing caught their attention, the mini, grey horses that were in it. Most notably, a large dark colored one with a crown.

"What is this?!" It shouted. "How dare thee desecrate my sight with your presence, foul beasts!"

"What?" The group collectively asked, confused out of their minds.

"I am King Sombra! Ruler of the Crystal Empire. I demand to know who you are and what you are doing here!"

"Okay, this is definitely drugs." Johnny said under his breath.

"Answer me!" Sombra roared.

"Okay. Rude." Francis stated as he held up a hand "What the fuck are you? Some kind of tiny horse?"

1. Indentations are inconsistent as fuck. 2. Give me a second while I look up the episode.

Mmhmmhmhmmhmh... yep. "Turned to shadow" and banished into the frozen nothing of the north.

All the ponies in the room gasped and looked towards their tyrant of a king. Afraid of what he was going to do. But all they saw was a look of pure rage on the tyrant's face. Not a moment later, his horn began to glow a sickly black and he fired it at the group of humans. In the blink of an eye, Johnny was already in front of his friends with his shield. The beam hit the shield and did nothing but die on the jet-black metal.

"What!? That was supposed to destroy you!"

Yeah. No. Sorry, story, not buying it.

Everything went silent. And not a moment later Francis pulled the pin of a smoke grenade and tossed it at their feet. The smoke grenade hissed as the smoke almost filled the whole throne room.

All of the ponies coughed and tried to fan the smoke away from them, and over time the smoke cleared. Francis was gone, nobody noticed but the humans.

"Was that some cheep parlor magic? You'll have to do better than that!" Sombra said before laughing.

The group of students stood still unsure of what to do. Until a voice shouted over the intercom in their helmets. It was Francis.

"Hey Thomas! Can you taser him before I knock him down?"

Thomas raised his hand to the side of his helmet and pressed a button. "Yeah, I can do that." Thomas looked to Johnny and swung his head to the still laughing bad guy. Johnny nodded and moved in front of Thomas. The laughing stopped as Sombra noticed the movement.

"What are you doing now?" He asked slightly annoyed.

Both humans charged at the tyrant, one behind the other. Sombra was surprised that the creatures before him decided to attack, but it was no matter, he would make them an example. He fired more dark magic at the humans, only for them to die on the shield. They were only a couple feet away before Thomas stepped out from behind the shield and raised his taser.

And in that moment. The most terrifying noise

He actually links to a clip of the sound in question. Because why describe things when you have Youtube?

filled the entire throne room. The sound of a charging Cloaker. Sombra tried to turn to see what was making the noise but it was too late, he felt the impact of the tasers barbs in his side and he began to spasm as waves of electricity coursed through his body. He could only see from the corner of his vision, a black figure spin and he felt something connect with the side of his head.

"Stop hitting youself! THWACK Stop hitting youself! THWACK" Francis laughed maniacally as he beat the once proud King Sombra. Bruises started to appear long before blood started to be drawn.

So... does he say "thwack"?

I also notice that Sombra doesn't have any, like... guards. Or security. Or traps. The actual in-show Sombra had loads of traps.

He was finally stopped by Dominic. The group of humans looked at the ponies with slight fear in their guts that they might have went a little overboard on their king. But that was before the cheering started. No one could see the looks of utter confusion that adorned their faces.

"What the hell is this place?" Dominic muttered as he saw the cheering ponies gather around him and his friends.

I know that them killing Sombra is like the main setup for this story, but making him into a chump for your heroes to look good is bad form.

It's not as shit as the Not-Joker fic, I'll grant. There are way more typos, but there aren't infodump descriptions. Things happen. There's a bit of setup and the author at least tries to make his protagonists distinct. It's better than I was expecting it to be, at any rate. But that's not saying much.

I want to actually do something special for the hundredth entry, so we're going to go to the second chapter.

Oh. The second chapter is almost twice as long. Hold on. I'm not in a hurry today, so Imma practice Dota a bit.

As the ponies cheered for their frightening new kings. The kings themselves just watched with confusion on their faces. But the ponies couldn't see that. The group of humans heard a groan from behind them and the ponies all stopped cheering.

"You think it's so easy to kill me? I'll destroy y—" Sombra was silenced by hissing as Francis unloaded his submachine gun into the now dead king. He turned to look at the gaping mouths of the ponies. He shrugged and threw his hands up and let out a cheer. All the ponies joined him.

So there was literally no point to him not being dead. 'cause they just kill him again. I guess that Francis is the psychotic one.

"Excuse me." Thomas shouted, getting the attention of all the ponies, silencing them. "What's going on?" And to this, a pony stepped forward.

"You killed the evil King Sombra!" She said. "Somepony else must take the throne now."

"I say we put the ones who did it on the throne!" Somepony shouted from the crowd, and he was met with cheers of agreement.

Never figured the Crystal Ponies would be the type to go for a junta.

"Wait? What?" Johnny stopped them. "Us? Kings?" He looked around at his friends. Francis was frantically nodding his head. Thomas had his hand to his chin and was looking down at the floor. And Dominic was just standing there. He looked back to the ponies.

"Fuck~" He sighed. "Fine."

"Okay, we're going to need everyone to leave us. The ones who helped the king before stay here."

As all the ponies left. The humans noticed only two ponies that had actually stayed. One had a horn on her head. She had a head of wavy brown hair that was tipped with blonde. The same went for her tail. Her body was a brick red in color. The other one looked like a normal pony. No wings or horn. He had a dark blue coat with

With what? Did you just figure you'd go back to edit that later in the original document... and then forget?

"Wait. What were they all doing in here if they didn't help?" Johnny asked, watching the last pony leave and close the door.

"King Sombra had them here because of the annual drain."

"Drain?" Dominic stepped in.

"In order to keep himself strong he has all of the young ponies gather here and he drains them of their magic."

"Wow. Was he that bad?"

"He was a slave driver. He had ponies work in the mines day and night. But the ones that tried to stop working were ejected in the harsh winter outside of town, we don't know if anypony survived."

Pardon me, dear, I'm off to go see the exposition!

So Dominic asks them their names and then

Dominic stowed his KSP under his arm and clapped his hands together. "Let's get the word out that we're the kings now. Don't want any confusion."

Both Bit Coin and Peace Treaty bowed before leaving the room.

"Well... What now?" Dominic asked as he turned to his friends.

"Considering what we heard about the last king, I'm gonna say we have to get the morale around here up." Johnny stated. The other three kings murmured in agreement. This wasn't going to be easy, but they would make it work.

Jumping in awfully deep here, aren't you? I mean, you're in a world you know literally nothing about (I should give the author credit that the protagonists aren't bronies) and just deciding you can run the place? That, uh... I don't think I follow where you think this is a good idea.

Fun fact: I gave the Journal of the Two Sisters a read. Turns out that the first princess of the Empire was Princess Amore. The Crystal Ponies don't just have Cadence as their ruler 'cause no reasons. It's because she's like their old princess.

So, while unlike the other story, which has no real plot, this does have a plot and it's progressing. The problem is it needs to... kind of contort to get where it's going.

Also, one of the characters' names is Bit Coin. I don't know whether to say "that's kind of clever" or "fuck you."

"Okay, let me get the gist of it. What are you guys?" Dominic asked once more.

"Ponies." Bit Coin stated.

"Where are we?"

"The Crystal Empire."

"Okay, that's all I need to know."

"Are you sure sir? I can have Peace Treaty quickly write you a—" She was stopped by a raised hand.

"I got this." Dominic said before stepping out onto the balcony of the castle.

No, you idiot! You should probably listen to them. You don't know what you're doing. For all you know there could be a thing that strikes you with lightning if you use the word "mushrooms."

His friends followed him. Below them was, what they assumed, the entire town. There were so many ponies, they could feel a slight rumble as all of the ponies talked between one another.

"Hey, Bit Coin, could I get some help here? I don't think I'm gonna be able to get their attention."

Bit Coin smirked as she bowed. Her horn glowing a bright orange.

"Hello? Testing. Is this thing on?" The crowd silenced.

"Welcome, ponies of the Crystal Empire!" Dominic shouted. His voice booming as it was amplified by the spell Coin had casted. "We." He gestured to him and his friends. "Are your new kings."

"No, we didn't really think this through."

You know, the first chapter, in the infoblock paragraphs, described these characters (or at least a couple of them) as being pretty intelligent. But the problem is their decision is rather questionably. It makes more sense if they're idiots (this is, after all, an Idiot in a Costume fic) and they just jump into things without thinking about it. Because making the decision to become "kings" is a pretty big fucking commitment you're agreeing to. I mean, back when they were just declared king nobody said "wait, we gotta get back home."

So he finishes the speech, promising they'll make things good. Next scene is them on thrones deliberating with ponies.

"Sirs, ponies are here for your assistance, shall I let them in?" Bit Coin asked.

The kings looked at each other and towards Bit Coin, they nodded simultaneously. Bit walked to the throne room doors and opened them.

"Okay, single file, one pony at a time. No shoving please, thank you."

The moment she finished speaking to the ponies outside, a line of ponies marched in. They were all wearing some kind of armor.

"Welcome." Dominic greeted. "How might we help you?"

They bowed and one stepped forward.

"We came here to ask if you would reinstill the crystal guard. This would give a bunch of ponies jobs and allow—" Dominic cut him off with the wave of a hand.

"You don't need to tell us. Consider it done." He looked from left to right at his friends. "I don't think we could object to something like that. Right guys?"

Well, the author has established Dominic as the "diplomatic" one. Though I can't help but feel that these characters have... "roles" moreso than "personalities," if you get my drift.

They don't really have any reaction to their new position. There's no nervousness or excitement or anything. They just... settle into it. And I get the feeling that there aren't going to be any problems with their regime. We'll see if the author proves me wrong.

So then someone else comes in and requests they find the Crystal Heart. They agree to it.

We'll find it for you..." Dominic paused. "Francis." Francis sat upright in his throne and looked to Dominic.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"Try and figure out where the heart is. I'm assuming that this relic is important...?" Dominic turned his head back to the elder pony.

"Hm? Oh! Yes. Yes it is. Without the heart, the forces outside of the empire seep in and taint the land, we can't grow crops because of the cold and the weather is too unruly for any pegasus to control it."

Uhh... that's not how it works. I mean, it's not like I'm demanding people read the chapter books (I mean, I haven't, apart from the Journal of the Two Sisters), but just from watching the episode it doesn't make sense. It was bright and sunny springtime when everyone arrived. They had plenty of crystal corn and berries.

The kings were confused. Ponies controlled the weather? They mentally shrugged.

All of them, in a mental body. They don't have, like, unique reactions to things.

So anyway, they finish their conversation and blah blah blah.

Then we cut to...

(An Hour Later and on the border of the Crystal Empire.)

"There it is. The Crystal Empire." Twilight said as her friends looked out of the train windows.

There was a collective of 'oooh's and 'aaah's.

"That's weird though..." Cadance said, walking up next to Twilight. "The Crystal Heart is active... Why would Sombra..."

Cadance wasn't on the train with them... she and Shining Armor had been sent to there earlier and Cadance had been projecting a shield...

Also... uh... if it turns out that they, like, found the Crystal Heart off-screen, I'm gonna hurl.

As they got closer and closer to the city, the snow grew higher and higher, until the train slowed to a halt. Cadence got up from her seat and went to the head of the train. When there she looked around for the conductor who was nowhere in sight. When she noticed the door to the outside of the train was open she walked towards it and opened it further. Outside in the snow was the conductor, talking to what looked like a guard.

"You got to let us through, Princess Celestia herself sent a group of ponies to—" He was cut off as the guard spoke up.

"I know not who this 'Celestia' is, but I cannot let you simply wander into the city. By the decree of the kings, we are to watch the borders of the city and halt anyone that might try to enter without permission."

Uhh... you probably should know who Celestia is. She saved your heart in the first place when she first reigned Equestria, and she also kicked Sombra's ass. Oh, wait. The author isn't aware of this.

Blah blah blah, the ponies (mane six plus SA and Cadance) are confused at the mention of "kings," whose permission they apparently need to enter.

So we cut back to the Idiots in Costumes.

"Hello?" Dominic called over the groups radio chat. He walked through town with KSP in one hand and the other resting closer to his face-plate as he talked.

You know, if he's the diplomat of the group, wouldn't it make more sense for him to not walk around with a weapon? I mean, a weapon being present is going to make people more nervous around you and pose just a slight obstacle towards this sort of friendly and open thing you're going for.

He was met with with clear responses.

"Hey." Thomas greeted.

"Yeah." Johnny replied.

"What's up?" Francis asked.

Sometimes he indents, and sometimes he doesn't. It's very distracting.

"Can we all hear each other?" Dominic asked. He was met with quiet but clear murmurs of agreement.

"Listen, there's someone outside of town, I'm gonna head down there just to see who's tryin' to get in. I want everybody to be ready if something goes south."

More murmurs. "Keep close, just stay out of sight. Don't need to spook 'em." Silence. It meant they heard him.

So the guard comes and says who the strangers are, and they mention that one of them claims she's the rightful heir to the throne.

This gonna make Cadance out to be a massive bitch, isn't it?

"Greetings!" Dominic shouted as he raised his free hand. "What brings you here?" The only reply he received was stares, a couple of fear, some were shock, and the others were confusion. Some of the reactions one would have at seeing a Skulldozer for the first time.

A pink one with both a set of wings and a horn stepped forward. "Are you the king?" Cadance had to look up to him, he was maybe, twice her size in height.

Dominic heard a voice the feed. "We're right outside the gate, what do you want us to do?" Dominic held up a finger to the pony and brought the hand to the side of his head.

"Yeah. Stay where you are. I call when something happens." He whispered.

"Who are you talking to?" The pony tried to get in front of his face-plate but he turned back to her.

"Nobody, but to answer your question, yes, I am the king. One of four, actually. And you are?"

The pony stood up and puffed out her chest. "Cute."

You know, by formatting and context rules, that means that Cadance is the one saying "cute." I know that isn't what you mean, due to other context. Also, I was right. And my prize is I can eat a dick because fuck.

"I am Princess Mi Amora Cadenza, rightful ruler of the Crystal Empire. I am going to ask you to hoof over your position of ruler."

Dominic tried to cough and hide the fact that he could barely contain his laughter. But the it was to much, he bent over and laughed at the pony. As he looked up he could see some of the ponies to be offended by his reaction, one of them was down right angry at him.

"What's so funny?!" Cadance almost yelled.

"Yeah, not happening." He hoisted his KSP up into his other hand and got it ready. He clicked the safety off.

Because getting ready to open fire on people who are unarmed and have made no overtures of violence. So much for being the peacekeeper.

It's actually worse if you think about it, because the story has established that they can no-sell magic through the power of bullshit.

"Hey buddy! You better do what she says!" One of the ponies shouted. Dominic looked to who it was and hovering above the rest of them was a pony with rainbow hair and a sky blue coat.

"Or what? Are you threatening me?" Rainbow Dash glared at the "king".

Dominic looked towards Cadance. "Call off your attack dog or we're not gonna take this inside."

Rainbow Dash sputtered with rage.

"Rainbow Da—" Twilight was about to stop her but she rocketed towards the king. With her hooves in front she collided with the titan. Everypony gasped.

Rainbow Dash just bounced off of him and landed in the snow, he looked down at her. Dominic stowed the gun onto his back with the strap.

Oh. They can no sell everything. This is despite the show's numerous indications that pony magic is pretty powerful.

Also, smart move, holstering your weapon without turning the safety back on. Totally can't go wrong.

So his friends join him, Dominic announces he's arresting Rainbow Dash for assault, blah blah blah, they say that the others have the option of either leaving or going to prison with Rainbow Dash.

"Here's what's goin' to happen!" Dominic shouted. "I'm gonna take this one as a prisoner for assault. And the rest of you get to walk away."

Every one of them had some look or another. Cadance was a mixture of anger and concern, the same with her husband. But the group behind them had looks of anger, besides a butter yellow pegasus, who was closer to fear than anything else.

"Or! You all can share the punishment for your friend here. She has to watch each and every one of you get punished. This option gets you limited access in this kingdom. The other. Gets you none."

Francis spoke up from next to him. "Oooh~ Kinky." He said in a breathy tone of voice.

Francis annoys me.

None of the ponies said a thing as all of their ears folded onto the back of their heads. Even the lizard looked sad.

"Okay then! Any of you try to start something funny, I'll add it onto the punishment scale."

"Hey! Scaly!" Dominic shouted. Spike raised a claw and pointed to himself.

"Yeah you. Come here." Everypony looked on with concern and fear in their eyes.

Spike walked forward. "Assuming since you can understand me, means that you can talk right?"

"Y-Yes, I c-can talk." Spike shivered in fear.

"Good. You're comin' with us."

"W-What?!" Spike started to panic. "Why?!"

"You're gettin' the deluxe package!"

Spike was... confused. "What?" Was all he asked.

"You are granted full admittance to everything we have to offer!" He said with a smile on his face. But Spike couldn't see that. "May not be a lot, but we'll do what we can."

Uhh... why? This makes no sense.

"Wait." He stopped the weird creature. "Why am I not getting punished?"

"Kid—"

How do you know he's a kid?

"It' Spike." He corrected.

"Spike, sorry. Out of all of this, who acted out of turn?"

"Rainbow Dash?" Spike asked.

"Correct. And what is she?" Dominic used his free hand to gesture to the angry pony in his other hand.

"A pegasus?"

"Think more in a general term."

"A pony?"

"Yup! And as of now... I don't really want any of these ponies to be touching anything, not even with a ten foot pole. But you! Like me. Are not a pony... do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I guess." Spike said in a wary tone. He looked back to his friends who were all looking at him with looks of worry.

...

That's retarded.

Dominic tossed Rainbow Dash back to her friends and picked up Spike. "I'm gonna take Spike here, and we're gonna go get more acquainted. It seems that, he is more capable of listening than others."

"Spook." Dominic said. Francis stood to attention. "Get behind them and make sure they don't do anything." He nodded and walked to the back of the group of ponies. "The ones with the wings don't fly." He turned to Thomas. "And if the horned ones start to do anything..." He looked to the ponies. "Tase 'em."

So that's where our fic leaves off.

To be fair, it's not nearly as bad as the Not-Joker fic, and it's certainly better than I was expecting. However, it's hampered by its numerous typographical errors, it's flagrant and nonsensical disregard for canon, and the fact that things just seem to go too smoothly for its protagonists. It seems to think that its main characters are really cool, and seems to have them effortlessly breeze through the problems without any setbacks or anything, to the point it gets ludicrous when they just No-Sell what the other ponies do. While there is a sense of a plot and a sense of progression, and the characters are differentiated (well, Dominic and Francis are, kind of. The other two are kinda just in the background), they don't really feel like people, and they have no discernible, like... character flaws. The story would be better if they were presented as idiots.

Still, I guess that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man gets to fuck the bride on her wedding night.

And that was 99. The next update will be my 100th liveblog entry! And the fic in question?

Rose Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Comments

KuroiTsubasaTenshi Since: Dec, 1969

Aug 13th 2015 at 1:22:30 PM

I don't know if the role thing is even that accurate. At least, based on what you quoted, after the character profile infodump, I completely lose track of who's who. It seems like they're all the same guy who just sometimes performs different tasks because he has four separate bodies.

Them just trivializing everything also makes me shake my head. The whole thing screams "Gary Stus!"

Valikdu Since: Dec, 1969

Aug 13th 2015 at 2:14:22 PM

>> Rose Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

AND THE LIVING WILL ENVY THE DEAD!

IcyShake Since: Dec, 1969

Aug 14th 2015 at 5:36:25 AM

Today's story is The Kings of Crystal, and there's a twist: it's not about an idiot in a costume. It's about multiple idiots in costumes.

Joy!

I saw it made the feature box, and I just had to chime in. Granted, it's not fair to be prejudiced. Maybe the fic is actually okay. We'll see as I dive into this.

Ahem. http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/524665/is-there-finally-a-good-displaced-fic-in-the-featurebox

Johnny was one of the tannest of the group, most that met him had usually mistaken him for being Spanish or Mexican.

"One of the tannest"? There are four of them. Just say he's the tannest. Also, if we're going into stereotypes, I don't think Spaniards are considered particularly comparable to Mexicans in terms of skin tone.

Compared to Thomas, he was only half of a foot taller.

Ugh, the prose here is just awful. Try "He was only a half a foot taller than Thomas." Maybe wiht emphasis on "only" or "Thomas."

This usually led to rash decisions being made in his life.

Okay, I'll actually give this two things. It got the form of "led" right, which I've seen done wrong a lot. And in this case, the passive voice lends the sentence a sense of understatement that enhances the tone of the paragraph.

He was quick to anger, almost as much as Thomas,

This would mean something if you said anything about how quick to anger Thomas was.

Dominic had been the biggest out of all them.

Until one of the others grew? Or did he shrink?

Dominic had always wanted to go into the line of something akin to a politician, but less corrupt.

Ugh.

He never spoke about his family, and his sheer size made him the scariest of the group, so nobody dared to ask, lest they anger the mortal titan.

This would mean more if we knew anything about his family.

"Time." Francis pulled the pair of night vision goggles down and gave a spinning kick to the air.

If they're in line for a convention, doesn't this likely lead to him being blinded for as long as he keeps the goggles on?

So they arrive in Equestria apropos of nothing and inspect themselves.

I was thinking earlier today that the perfect ending for any Displaced story is "and then this asshole/these assholes got on with their convention."

"This is definitely real, or we're some freaky drugs..." Johnny hoisted his shield and CMP off of the floor and held both on either side of him. /
"Let's find out where we are and get the hell out of here."

Two things: I would like to be a freaky drug; and there are authors I respect who seem to dislike the use of speech tags, and this sort of thing just seems to weaken their argument.

Murmurs of agreement were made as the group of students made their way out of the bedroom.

This couldn't have been done in that active voice?

They immediately stopped as soon as they exited the room.

Oh my god. The redundancy here is terrible.

The only thing they noticed was a door that was bigger than the rest. They all decided to move towards that one.

Way to fall for the obvious Schelling point, guys.

Cutting people off is a well-known feature of "diplomatic" people.
Uhh... you probably should know who Celestia is. She saved your heart in the first place when she first reigned Equestria, and she also kicked Sombra's ass. Oh, wait. The author isn't aware of this.

Semi-related, this actually raises the point that it would be helpful to have dates more specific that "a thousand years ago," especially if those are approximations. Even "a thousand years ago, soon after the banishment of Nightmare Moon" or ". . . before Luna and I ruled Equestria" would help clear up relevant points like "was the Crystal Empire aware of the Princesses."

Oh. They can no sell everything. This is despite the show's numerous indications that pony magic is pretty powerful.

Tension, obstacles, what are those?

That's retarded.

And now they aren't trusting any of the Crystal Empire ponies?

Medinoc Since: Dec, 1969

Dec 10th 2015 at 3:20:51 PM

So these dudes, who were supposedly going to a convention, brought fully functional firearms with them?

Live Blogs Pannic Reads Stuff He Hates Pannic2015-08-13 15:53:59

Comments

Live Blogs Pannic Reads Stuff He Hates
Pannic2015-08-13 15:53:59