Turns out Fallout Equestria isn't the only story in this fandom that annoys me. There are others, which I wasn't really planning on commenting on, but I decided "screw it, I'm not reading this fast enough." So, I'm here to announce two stories that will be taking up update spots!
The first is titled The Ballad of Twilight Sparkle, which is a shipfic for the Twilight/Trixie pairing. Why this pairing is so popular I have no idea, but it happened, and it seems to be the most popular ship for both of them. This is in spite of the fact that the ship doesn't make sense. I mean, their actual interaction on the show (in an episode that wasn't particularly good) was lukewarm antagonism at best, not even reaching Foe Yay levels. I mean, it's not like there's any actual "chemistry" between them. But I guess "magic lesbian unicorns" is good enough for a lot of the fandom.
The second is titled Romance Reports. It's, um... porn. Well, I'm sure there are a lot of fans of the story that would heartily disagree with me, but, well, we'll get to that later.
In any case, I have read the first chapter of The Ballad of Twilight Sparkle and the first four chapters of Romance Reports. I will cover both of these here. First, The Ballad of Twilight Sparkle.
We start with Twilight Sparkle dictating a message to Spike, which is a reference to Dr. Strangelove. "And that is how I learned to stop worrying and love the Bomb." She is referring to Jaegerbombs, which-
Y'know, I often get annoyed at MLP fanfics that are for most intents and purposes set squarely in the world of the show... and then include booze, despite Word of God that indicates that ponies either don't have it or strongly disapprove. I am apparently the only one who remembers this, ever.
Anyway, Twilight is talking about her experience drinking with her friends, with what Pinkie refers to as "Friendship Lubricant." Not even gonna bother. Also, implied Appledash. Special deal: two overdone pairings for the price of one. Well, maybe this is a gag on the author's part and that ship isn't happening at all. Could go either way.
Anyway, Twilight receives a letter via Spike - a legal summons! Trixie and a ponified version of MGM studios requires her to be in Manehattan (I think, can't quite remember) post haste. Then another pony knocks on the door and is like "RIGHT NOW!"
That's a pretty rude legal summons that requires you to drop absolutely everything you're doing and go on a trip to another city. No chance to pack, even, leaving Twilight to make a very hasty arrangement for Spike. Anyway, she's provided with a chariot, and Rarity is "oooh, what marvelously rich stallion has sent for you?" It's funny because she ends up with Trixie who is completely not a stallion at all.
Anyway, Twilight gets on the thing, and it takes off, and she muses to herself. At one point, she thinks Speaking of beautiful unicorns... and finds herself surprised that she thought that. There's also a note that after the events of "Boast Busters," Twilight spent months trying to track Trixie down.
Y'know, I'm put off of a lot of Twixie fics - Of Mare and Magic, Out In The Cold, Teardrops and Snowflakes, etc. - because they seem to run the route of "Twilight inexplicably has 'feelings' for Trixie and hello shipping happens." I was led to believe that this story actually worked with character development rather than shipping contrivances. GUESS NOT.
Anyway, that's the first chapter. Alright. Now for Romance Reports. I'll keep it brief, which is easy given that the author has a marvelous talent for writing really long chapters in which nothing happens. Chapter 1 can be summarized as such:
- Princess Luna: "You're cute, but I don't date virgins. Learn about romance and get back to me."
- Twilight Sparkle: "So, girls, Luna has given me this assignment..."
- Rainbow Dash: "We should totally have sex."
- Rarity: "Help yourself to my porn!"
Truly an exercise in the surreal.
Chapter 2 basically amounts to: Blah blah Twilight wonders if Cheerilee is flirting with her, goes upstairs, masturbates, then writes a groan-inducing letter to Princess Luna.
Truly, an exercise in "why did someone write this?"
Chapter 3 takes place after a Winter Wrap-Up. Rarity chats with Twilight about how she's found a couple of dates and blah blah blah BOYS BOYS BOYS and ugh this fucking conversation goes on forever and I swear it starts over and goes through the same damn thing. Also, Fluttershy is being all Yellowquiet and acts like she's deeply uncomfortable with something. Something about Big Macintosh. Then Twilight dances with Braeburn.
Truly, an exercise in boredom.
Then chapter 4. Deeeeep breath...
Starts with bullshit conversation about Rarity talking about BOYS and the different types of BOYS and which race of BOYS she prefers while Fluttershy is being all Yellowquiet in her corner and generally acting like she's deeply uncomfortable with something just like she was in chapter 3 (which was so fucking boring) and Twilight is ogling Rarity which telegraphs exactly where this story is going and the conversation just goes on and on and on and please shut up and talk about something else for fuck's sake and then there's a time skip to after the date and bullshit bullshit bullshit now Rarity is making suggestive moans with the chocolates dammit this isn't fucking funny and now they're making out and hello sex.
Truly, an exercise in bullshit.
I've seen a lot of people talk about how Romance Reports actually has a really good story, buuuuuut I am over twenty thousand words into this thing and I'm sure not seeing it.
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